Yet another strange dream

Two nights ago, I had yet another strange dream. This dream was made stranger by the fact that my wife dreamt a very similar dream, with a different location but similar issue.

The dream begins randomly, with me being at a house with my cousin and her new husband, apparently about to begin their honeymoon, or just moving in...I don't know, it was random and wierd since they've been married a year now. There were wierd jokes or inuendos about them having sex the first time, and I have no idea why that was in the dream. I leave at one point, and decide to go back in for some reason. When I'm inside a large group of people begin to surround the house. It's quickly evident they are here for me, religious zealots out to kill the queer. I move throughout the house, confused for one because it's out of the blue, and because my cousin is there and she is clearly straight. I have to stay low because they have weapons, but aren't trying too hard to get in. At one point two people are trying to break in the door, but are also shooting pistols also. I actually make the decision to stay inside rather than slamming the door open in their face and fighting to the death. I knew that while I could take out one or two, the numbers would overwhelm me. I also decided not to shoot back at them, but rather moved to a back bedroom. There is a woman there, clearly one of the zealots, but not quite so bad. I ask her, what is it she wants? She mentions things involving values and morals or something, I don't remember exactly, but I tell her that's the same things I want. We begin to find some common ground. I remember not being scared. However there were people beginning to realize where I was in the house, so time was running short. I knew I had to convince her to convince the others to leave me be. It basically ended there, which may or may not be good. I wasn't really scared though, just a bit confused. I knew I made a difference with that one woman, so that gave me hope.

I don't really know where this dream came from. I think the time with the woman comes from something I read in Tomorrow's God (by Neale Donald Walsch) about zealots. Zealots are people who feel they are not being heard. Their beliefs are discounted, and therefore they are discounted, so they react zealously. The best way to deal with them is to just listen to them, talk to them, make them feel like they are worth listening to. And that's how I dealt with that woman in the dream. I'm really starting to think my dreams are where I act out my new beliefs and behaviors. Sometimes my dreams show me a behavior that isn't what I want to have, and then I'm allowed to correct my behavior through these situations before it is real life. Did that make sense? Basically my dreams are practice for real life. When I behave in a way that shows growth in my dream I take it as a sign that I have grown in my beliefs and behaviors. It's rare my dreams are truly scary, and when they are I don't remember them anyway, so I tend to really enjoy my dreams. Unfortunately I tend to oversleep then because I want to see how the dream plays out, which can take quite a few hits of the snooze alarm.

My wife dreamt similarly, that religious zealots were attacking her, but she was in a warehouse. That's all I know. I just wonder who started it, or if we were both tapping into something. Hopefully we never find out though...

More Dreams

I keep having dreams, which is normal I guess, but the fact that I remember large amounts of them is not. What's funny is my dreams have been very action-oriented.

Two nights ago was my first action packed dream. As always the beginning is fuzzy, but I know I was part of a group of people on a mission or quest. The first part I really remember is knowing we had to jump down from a building, and I was hanging off a window ledge with a small creature holding on to my leg. I had to make the decision to jump, but I knew somehow that I wouldn't be hurt, that physics would not behave the way I expect. It felt very strange to let go of the ledge, because I felt myself accellerate in slow motion. Then I was right, and we didn't ever hit anything, I just was in a different section all of a sudden. Then we are all running very fast in a building. It's like an office building or something similar. We're looking for something in the building, though I'm not sure what it was. As we're running we cross tape, like the tape they put at finish lines, except it was red. That was really wierd, and it set off some sort of alarm and people started to chase us. We ran around a corner, and there in front of us stands "the bad guy"! I'm in front, and stand as tall as my little 5'2" self can stand, and open my arms, holding the others back, trying to protect them and draw his attention to me. He's speaking, but I don't remember what about, and I'm just thinking that we only need to get to the end of the hall to get what we came for. It was wicked! Unfortunately that's where the dream ends. But I was the hero!

Definately a fun dream, and revolutionary in two ways. I was willing to trust my gut and let go of a window ledge, and I was the leader and tried to protect others. I know this is just a dream, but I do have some conscious control, so my willingness to do this is a sign that I'm making the appropriate changes to my life.

Last night's dream was also action packed, but funny to me. It's an OC dream, which means I am just a bit too obsessed! Anyway, the part that I remember involves myself, Marissa, and Ryan (characters from the show) We climb up a ladder which originally was going to put us on a roof, but instead we end up inside a barn. As I'm climbing the ladder I feel like there is tension between the three of us, but it's not discussed. After a little time up there, a guy that was supposed to be a character from the first season, but who doesn't look like that guy at all, starts to pick a fight. He appears to be drunk, and he's very large and intimidating. But then it gets fun! What appears at first to be Ryan attacking him (defending by attacking) ends up being me. I take a flying leap and kick him in the chest, but he's huge so this doesn't do as much as I'd like. I knew that going in though, so it wasn't a suprise. This guy catches me, and picks me up like he's going to body slam me, but we're also falling so I'm thrown against the wall. Unfortunately the wall is thin so I feel the wood start to give way. I yell for help, because falling out of the second story of a barn doesn't sound too fun. Ryan comes to my rescue and finishes off the ass kicking I assume. Afterwards we are lying around after all the excitement. Then the strangest comment of the dream; "you're tattoo looked awesome when you were fighting" What the fuck?! I think that just means I was kickass fighting, because that's the feeling I got after the comment, but it's still wierd. Where did my mind come up with that one?

One thing that may have influenced my dreams (though it's doubtful) is that I took a tincture called deep sleep. It has valerian and chamomile and some other things. Unfortunately I took more than I needed so I really overslept. However the sleep I got was amazing! We'll see if it matters tonight, since I only took a third of the dose last night. I also have the other influences of my period and the full moon, plus the new awareness I'm gaining spiritually. Maybe I'll get to keep having fun dreams like this! I really enjoy the adventure!

FO103: Dialogue: Self-Image

FO103: Dialogue: Self-Image

Since I'm about to head to bed, I'm just going to include the results of a few online self-esteem test. I'm doing my best to not taint them to the results I want them to have, but it's tough. Anway, here's my results.

Self Esteem Test
Self-esteem is essential to our ability to function in a healthy way. Without the foundation of a solid sense of self-worth, we are unable to take the risks and make the decisions necessary to lead a fulfilling, productive life. A low self-esteem corrodes our love lives, careers, family bonds, and, most importantly, our internal sense of well-being. A high self-esteem, on the other hand, brings the high level of confidence, problem-solving abilities, and assertiveness needed to achieve what Maslow called "self-actualization"- a continuous desire to fulfill potentials, to be all that you can be. People who have positive self-esteem have healthier, stronger relationships with others. Positive self-esteem is not to be confused with self-centeredness or acting superior, which are actually attempts to hide negative feelings of self. A strong sense of self-worth actually creates a type of self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you like yourself, the more you begin to act in likable ways; the more you believe you are able to achieve something, the more likely it is that you will.

Your score = 73

What does your score mean?

According to this test, you have a reasonably high level of self-esteem. There is, however, still some room for improvement.

Test Cafe
Are You Self-Confident?

In our daily lives, it becomes increasingly difficult to decipher our positive attributes, and even more difficult to pinpoint the areas which need attention. This test is designed to help you focus on problem areas in order to correct your self-image and express your true inner self.

Your Self-Esteem Weakness is what restricts your overall self-image and causes self-doubt. Knowing your greatest weakness allows you to notice and actively improve your perspective in that area - therefore increasing your overall self-esteem.

Your Self-Esteem Weakness is:
Rigidity

Utilizing your Self-Esteem Strength allows you to best achieve your goals and live free of self-doubt. Emphasizing your strength can help brighten your mood and may even improve your health.

Your Self-Esteem Strength is:
Shyness

What are the 8 Self-Esteem categories?
1. Procrastination - Is low self-esteem causing you to put off doing things that are most important to you?
2. "Shoulds" - Do you need a relentless moral list to dictate your every move?
3. Rigidity - Do you live in a rut because you are too afraid of failing?
4. Overgeneralization, Global Labels & Polarized Thinking - Does low self-esteem cause you to catastrophize and use the worst labels you can think of?
5. Self-blame and Personalization - Is everything your fault and everyone out to get you?
6. Shyness - Is your fear of being judged by others keeping you from making new friends?
7. Relationships - Is low self-esteem keeping you from having meaningful relationships?
8. Self-acceptance - Does rejection of who you are have you in an adversarial relationship with yourself?

I'm not sure how shyness is a self-esteem strength...maybe someone else can enlighten me on that one! But rigidity makes complete sense and it is something I've been working on for a while now.

Another test
Thank you for completing Self-Esteem Test
Your Score is 42 out of 50
Wow! You really rock!

Lol, that's quite amusing, and there's a pretty picture of forest on the results page. yay!

Well that's good enough for now, so I'm going to bed.

found?

Tonight I finally found someone I've been looking for since we left California in 1999. Well, I found her parents at least, assuming the phone number is still valid. I do this all the time, try to find old friends using the interent. It's amazingly hard, if you don't want to spend money. It seems the people I want to find do not want to be found easily, as they don't show up by googling, or white pages searching. Hopefully I'll be able to call them soon and at least know a few things about my friend and her family.

I'm not sure if it's healthy, my occasional obsession with people from my past. Most of the time I'd just be happy knowing how life is turning out for them, not necessarily needing to talk to them personally. Other times I really miss these people being in my life and would like to speak to them again. I know I should just let the past go, in all forms, and focus on the present, but it can be difficult. Mostly because I don't think I want to let go yet, not until I learn a few things. I've found that once I resolve old situations with people I am able to let go and move on. I did it with an ex, who I succesfully found through google. We simply updated each other, apologized for being assholes to each other, and moved on. Now I'm finally free of that. It's just something that happened. I don't really have other situations like that, but I'd just like to know that my old friend are ok and doing well in their lives. Perhaps I should just try trusting that they are ok. That would probably make all the difference in the world.

another military dream

It seems my dreams want to continue moving forward. Last night it appears I went to war. I don't know where we were, just that it was wooded, deciduous forests that is. And I had the impression we were fighting some Asian culture, though I have no idea what one. It was kind of wierd. Early on we were learning how the enemy uses fake bombs to flush us out of our trenches and foxholes. First they lob blanks, and then real ones. I don't know, was this an effort to save money in war?! But we were supposed to stay put, basically sitting there to die in the event a real bomb hit. I wasn't too happy about this! Then the dream continues on, we're moving through the forest. At some point I learn that we are allowed to run from the bombs, but only if we are behind a ridge or something where the enemy can't see us run. Strange. At some point in the dream I ran into an old friend from my A and C MOS school, Scott Demoulin. He was in another unit, but we took a minute to talk. I also remember at some point mentioning that we're basically the front lines, because I was expecting us to be attacked from the rear, which is where we were currently. I don't know why I felt this way, but I had a strong sense that the enemy was coming from the rear. That was basically the dream. There was never any combat, just waiting. I know I talked to people a lot, because I kept waking up to hit the snooze alarm and was able to return immediately to the dream, which is wierd for me. Usually if I wake up my consciousness kicks in and I'm not able to return or even remember what was so vivid moments ago.

What will happen tonight? I'm a little worried, because if things continue on this path, I think I'm going to war! It's wierd, because I tend to have vivid dreams at this time, a few days before I start my period. But they're not usually war or military dreams. I don't know what this means, if anything. Hopefully it is just my thoughts being on the war more than other times. We'll have to wait and see.

a writing from unknown

I found this as I was sorting through old papers. I don't remember exactly where I read it, but it was back in 97 or 98 during my freshman year of college. I just think it's beautiful.

If I could smell her hair just once, kiss her lips just once, feel the touch of her hand just once, feel her breath upon me once and her body next to mine, I could spend an eternity being alone knowing that I had that one special time shared with her. - Unknown

Embrace the moments around you, you never know when they will be gone. When I was in boot camp, there were many nights it was hard to fall asleep. Even in my exhaustion I felt the loneliness that comes from living with 60 strangers and having no contact with loved ones. The thought I most often returned to was one special night with my now wife, then girlfriend. The simple act of lying in her arms was burned into my memory. At night I would close my eyes and remember as hard as I could how she felt, until I could almost feel her lying there with me, and I could fall asleep. We weren't together when I left for boot camp, and honestly had barely talked to each other since February when I broke up with her. Yet she was smart enough to get in touch with my mother through email and to write to me. Though nothing was really said, her first letter came at the perfect time, which was at the rifle range. I remember that time as the most difficult because we as a platoon were doing good and very bad things, which made life very emotional. And it was the official half way mark through bootcamp. I'll never forget the day I got her first letter, because it was such a suprise. I found a relatively quiet corner in the back of the squad bay and tried not to cry as I read the random comic strips she sent. I believe that first letter is what brought us to where we are today. If she hadn't found the courage to find a way to contact me, we may have never spoken again. Instead we began the long road to friendship and ultimately to marriage. Wow, all those memories from a single piece of paper with a simple little statement by an unknown author.

dreams

I've begun having military dreams again. I don't know what triggers them, which would be nice. It just seems like there are times in my life when the military looms large, taking over my dreams and causing me to wander on campus and wonder things about the ROTC program. The dreams have a common theme, where I join up, somehow (because I'm not allowed back in the military) and have to go get things. I'm in boot camp, but not really acting much like a recruit, forgetting to say recruit instead of personal pronouns, not necessarily doing the activities we did in boot camp, etc. But it's clearly boot camp.

Last night was a little different. I had to go to supply and give them a list of the gear I needed. Specifics I remember were a flashlight and LBV (load bearing vest) and canteens, though there was more. When I left supply everyone was gone, so I had to look for them. Eventually I see them in the tall grass practicing squad maneuvers, the kind where you are sneaking around and using hand signals and pretending your hands are your rifle rather than carrying it. That seems to be a theme occasionally, of going to boot camp and there being a war theme to it rather than the standard drill aspects. Does this mean I want to be back in, or that I believe I'll be back in at some point? I don't really know. It could just be old demons popping back up. Really hard to know at this point. Maybe it will all make sense some day.

Thank you, Ellis

Connections are made
across rooms, across time
when hearts open wide
to let others in.
As humans we search for them,
yearn for connectedness
and yet we run from the experience
afraid of the emotions
or afraid of what's next.
We let fear destroy connections
But no more.
I will not let fear destroy
a beautiful connection
a moment in time
where we just exist
let things be
connect to each other
love each other
without anything in between.

How many others feel the same?
Changed by the experience
with a special person
brave enough to open to us
allowing connections
if we have the courage to create them
All I can say is
Thank you



-Jackie Meyer, 2005

Ellis at Momo's

Ellis is the most...words fail me. I've seen Ellis perform 4 times I believe, but tonight...tonight was just something special. It's impossible to put into words tonight's show, because it existed as pure emotion. More than once I felt as if I would cry, other times I would laugh out of joy, and still other times I simply felt connected. I thought my chest would explode twice. It was just amazing. I don't go to a ton of concerts, but most that I see are excellent. But tonight was an almost spiritual experience where I felt what she was feeling, or at least a taste of it. And she seemed to be feeling everything, more than any other show I've seen.

After the show I did my best to explain this, knowing that words really couldn't do justice. However I opened myself as much as I could, even saying that I really felt it tonight, and that it was really special. I've never opened up like that to someone after a show, but I had to give something back. Ellis is one of those people I would love to just sit and talk with, under a big oak tree ;-) Her wisdom shows through her songs, and I think I could learn a lot. Besides, she seems so eager to connect, conversations are just a joy.

Anyway, I urge everyone to check her out. Pay anything to see her if she comes to your town, you will not be disappointed.

Now this I didn't know

SistersTalk

It's funny how in the aftermath of the election, all we hear about is morality determining everything, yet the above post clearly does not support that idea. If everyone voted on morality, and gay marriage specifically, there is no way all of the public supporters of gay marriage would have been re-elected in states that elected George Bush. Think on that for a while.

thoughts on race and self-fulfillment

I'm currently reading The Celestine Vision by James Redfield, and came across an interesting section on the way home today. He discusses the idea that what we believe affects the world around us, which I understand. But for some reason, the way he discussed it caused me to think about race in our society.

There have been studies (or perhaps just observations, it wasn't clear) that show that if we have negative thoughts about a person, they pick up on these thoughts and act accordingly. I expanded this concept to a whole group, for instance Blacks, or Native Americans, or Mexicans, any group we hold down in America. For so long the idea that these people could only wallow on the lower ends of society has been the prevalent opinion, and for there part a majority did just that. And while these ideas have actually been voiced, even if they hadn't the same result would have occured I'm sure. The fact that a large number of people believe that minority groups are only able to accomplish very little in life creates that reality. It isn't until other people stand up and put their energy into the opposite, that people can raise themselves above the expectations of the world that true progress is made. Granted I know I'm speaking in generality, and there is always going to be a number of exceptions to generalities, but I hope I am being understood. For example, if you are walking down the street and people look at you differently, as if you are dangerous or could be dangerous, how would you react? Perhaps you'd ignore it or laugh it off if it were just one person occasionally. What if this happened almost every time you walked down the street? Eventually this treatment builds until you have to do something about it. Some people will rise above it, going out of their way to show they are not dangerous, and that they will not be the person others believe them to be. But another group of people will react the opposite and become what the other people fear. In all of these situations, words were not exchanged, but volumes were spoken.

As a personal example, I have to face situations daily when I have to go to the bathroom and other people are around. I never know if someone is going to see me and think I'm a boy, and thus creating either an embarassing situation or a confrontation. This creates some anxiety for me because I just want to go to the bathroom, not have to deal with a confrontation. This forces me into a decision every single time. Do I react by simply ignoring the person, by simply saying I'm a girl and moving on, or by making a scene, perhaps by lifting my shirt to prove my gender. All of these are viable options, and depending on my mood some are more attractive than others. Before you wonder too much, I've never lifted my shirt to prove anything, however it is tempting some days. What I've taken to recently is wearing a hoodie and putting the hood up so people can't see my hair. This tends to remove issues, though people look at me funny for wearing my hood up! Some people choose to deal with this situation by choosing to use the bathroom of their perceived gender rather than their actual gender. However this can be far more dangerous.

So what should a person do, conform to the ideas of those around them or continue acting in the way they always have? For me I have to maintain a strong sense of self to not let these situations adversely affect me. This is the key for any group that is oppressed. If you can maintain who you truly are, and keep that separate from what people perceive, you will be able to rise above whatever negativity heading your way. I believe this concept is being brought to the minorities, and we will continue to see improvement in equality.

all for a bottle

So today as I left for school I looked at our pretty little stream. I noticed a 20 oz bottle floating in the middle (it's only 2 foot across at most, so it wasn't far). I debated a bit, whether I should go to school or take a minute to get it out. I really didn't want the bottle to go downstream at some point, and the time it took really wouldn't matter in the long run. In light of my new goals of doing simple things like picking up trash, I decided to get it out. I left my backpack farther up the bank and walked down. Unfortunately I ignored the little thought in my head to get a stick and bring it closer to me, because as I tried to get close enough to step on a rock in the middle my foot slipped and I fell it! The stream isn't deep, so it was pretty funny. However I did retrieve the bottle. Of course this meant I had to go upstairs to change my pants, shoes and socks! Even so, I made it to school in plenty of time for my class. Was it worth it? Yeah, because not only was it hilarious, but I saved a bottle from washing downstream. Yay!

steps to mastery

There are many stages and steps to mastery. You could start listing some, but would they apply to everyone? Doubtful. However, I'm finding that while I can't define a step to mastery before hand, I know when I have reached one. For instance, in dealing with recent insanity I was able to maintain my composure, act from a place of peace and clarity, and act in a way I think is appropriate. Even in the eye of changes in this situation I remain calm. I was thinking last night, "what can I do to improve this situation? How can I not only not inflict hurt, but heal?" This was a step for me. There was no ego involved, just true concern. In this situation, I am not getting hurt, nor am I intending any hurt. However, I would still like to find a way to heal. The one idea I came up with is to send an email with the most healing thing I can think of.

"God loves you. God does not require anything from you to be happy. God does not judge you, and God does not punish. God is love, and love only in its purest form. Feel the peace and freedom that comes from this information. You do not have to do a single thing to make God happy, for God is always happy with you, no matter what. And God is happy with everyone. God is Love."

Unfortunately, the receiving party would not see these words as healing, only more hurt, more lies (not my belief obviously) and more of my blasphemy. So I haven't sent this email, because no matter my intentions, they will be twisted and distorted. When the time is right, I hope I know, and can then pass this along. Until then I leave my message of peace and freedom for you. Examine your heart and see if what I wrote resonates with your soul. It resonated with mine.

The Little Soul and the Sun part 2

There is a second half to the parable. Here it is:

"You may choose to be any Part of God you wish to be," I said to the Little Soul. "You are Absolute Divinity, experiencing Itself. What Aspect of Divinity do you now wish to experience as You?"

"You mean I have a choice?" asked the Little Soul. And I answered, "Yes. You may choose to experience any Aspect of Divinity in, as, and through you."

"Okay," said the Little Soul, "then I choose Forgiveness. I want to experience my Self as that Aspect of God called Complete Forgiveness."

Well, this created a little challenge as you can imagine.

There was no one to forgive. All I have created is Perfection and Love.

"No one to forgive?" asked the Little Soul, somewhat incredulously.

"No on," I repeated. "Look around you. Do you see any souls less perfect, less wonderfull than you?"

At this the Little Soul twirled around, and was suprised to see himself surrounded by all the souls in heaven. They had come from far and wide throughout the Kingdom, because they heard that the Little Soul was having and extraordinary conversation with God.

"I see none less perfect than I!" the Little Soul exclaimed. "Who, then, shall I have to forgive?"

Just then, another soul stepped forward from the crowd. "You may forgive me," said this Friendly Soul.

"For what?" the Little Soul asked.

"I will come into your next physical lifetime and do something for you to forgive," replied the Friendly Soul.

"But what? What could you, a being of such Perfect Light, do to make me want to forgive you?" the Little Soul wanted to know.

"Oh," smiled the Friendly Soul, "I'm sure we can think of something."

"But why would you want to do this?" The Little Soul could not figure out why a being of such perfection would want to slow down its vibration so much that it could actually do something "bad."

"Simple," the Friendly Soul explained, "I would do it because I love you. You want to experience your Self as Forgiving, don't you? Besides, you've done the same for me?"

"I have?" asked the Little Soul.

"Of course. Don't you remember? We've been All Of It, you and I. We've been the Up and the Down of it, and the Left and the Right of it. We've been the Here and the There of it, and the Now and the Then of it. We've been the Big and the Small of it, the Male and the Female of it, the Good and the Bad of it. We've all been the All of It.

"And we've done it by agreement, so that each of us might experience ourselves as The Grandest Part of God. For we have understood that...

"In the absence of that which You Are Not, that Which You ARE, is NOT."

"In the absence of 'cold,' you cannot be 'warm.' In the absence of 'sad,' you cannot be 'happy,' without a thing called 'evil,' the experience you call 'good' cannot exist.

If you choose to be a thing, something or someone opposite to that has to show up somewhere in your universe to make that possible."

The Friendly Soul then explained that those people are God's Special Angles, and these are the conditions of God's Gifts.

"I ask only one thing in return," the Friendly Soul declared.

"Anything! Anything!" the Little Soul cried. He was excited now to know that he could experience every Divine Aspect of God. He understood, now, The Plan.

"In the moment that I strick you and smite you," said the Friendly Sould, "in the moment that I do the worst to you that you could ever imagine - in that self-same moment...remember Who I Really Am."

"Oh, I won't forget!" promised the Little Soul. "I will see you in the perfection with which I hold you now, and I will remember Who You Are, always."

_____________
This ends the parable, but I want to include the next two paragraphs from the book to really sum it up
--------------
That is...that is an extraordinary story, and incredible parable.

And the promise of the Little Soul is the promise I make to you. That is what is unchanging. Yet have you, My Little Soul, kept this promise to others?

No. I'm sad to say I have not.

Do not be sad. Be happy to notice what is true, and be joyous in your decision to live a new truth. For god is a work in progress, and so are you. And remember this always: If you saw you as God sees you, you would smile a lot.

So go now and see each other as Who You Really Are.
Observe. Observe. Observe.
I have told you - the major difference between you and highly evolved beings is that highly evolved beings observe more.
If you wish to increase the speed with which you are evolving, seek to observe more.

-------------
From Conversations with God book 3 by Neale Donald Walsch, page 347 paperback edition

The Little Soul and the Sun part 1

There once was a soul who knew itself to be the light. This was a new soul, and so, anxious for experience. "I am the light," it said. "I am the light." Yet all the knowing of it and all the saying of it could not substitute for the experience of it. And in the realm from which this soul emerged, there was nothing but the light. Every soul was grand, every soul was magnificent, and every soul shone with the brilliance of My awesome light. And so the little soul in question was as a candle in the sun. In the midst of the grandest light - of which is was a part - it could not see itself, nor experience itself as Who and What it Really Is.

Now it came to pass that this soul yearned and yearned to know itself. And so great was its yearning that I one day said, "Do you know, Little One, what you must do to satisfy this yearning of yours?"

"Oh, what, God? What? I'll do anything!" the little soul said.

"You must separate yourself from the rest of us," I answered, "and then you must call upon yourself the darkness."

"What is the darkness, o Holy One?" the little soul asked.

"That which you are not," I replied, and the soul understood.

And so this the soul did, removing itself from the All, yea, going even unto another realm. And in this realm the soul had the power to call into its experience all sorts of darkness. And this it did.

Yet in the midst of all the darkness did it cry out, "Father, Father why hast Thou forsaken me?" Even as have you in your blackest times. Yet I have never forsaken you, but stand by you always, ready to remind you of Who You REally Are; ready, always ready, to call you home.

Therefore, be a light unto the darkness, and curse it not.

And forget not Who You Are in the moment of your encirclement by that which you are not. But do you praise to the creation, even as you seek to change it.

And know that what you do in the time of your greatest trial can be your greatest triumph. For the experience you create is a statement of Who You Are - and Who You Want to Be.

I (God) have told you this story - the parable of the little soul and the sun - so that you might better understand why the world is the way it is - and how it can change in an instant the moment everyone remembers the divine truth of their highest reality.
---------------------
from Conversations with God book 1 by Neale Donald Walsch, p 33-34 first hardcover edition

The only thing I'm willing to say on this matter

There are crazy things going on, that I'm choosing to not discuss because it is not appropriate. However, the one thing I can allow myself to comment on here is this observation. I believe we create our experiences, our entire lives, though we rarely realize we are doing this. But everything that happens, we have chosen on some level of consciousness. In this crazy situation that is occuring, I know that I myself chose it, but the majority of the situation is occuring with someone else. It's interesting to see myself as the "helping soul" in this, which is who I think I am. I say this because throughout all of this, I haven't really had to deal with much. I've stayed very emotionally stable and done my best to speak clearly and not attack. And then I stepped back and let it go because there is nothing more I can do. But it is interesting, to be the helper rather than the main soul involved. To clarify I will include the story this concept is based on in the following post. Besides, it's a very good story that really puts its point out there. I hope you can all gain some wisdom from it. It's called The Little Soul and the Sun. Enjoy.

vacation is over

In 7 hours I'll be waking back up to get ready for school. I wish I could say I was excited, but I'm really not ready. I've been having a lot of fun exploring spirituality and have so much more I want to do, and it's hard to switch gears to think about quantum mechanics and electromagnetism again. I'll probably feel different once I actually get to school after my chiropractic appointment, but we'll have to see. Actually, I just need to remember my attitude with depend on what I decide it to be. I just have to decide to be excited and I will be. I am not going to let me get myself down lol! So it's off to school tomorrow...way too early in the morning.

Astrology - Pluto in Capricorn

When reading The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need I found this short section fascinating. It explains the influence the planet Pluto has when it's in the constellation Capricorn, which occurs from 2009 to 2024. Here is the excerpt:

Because Capricorn is the sign of discipline and ambition, Pluto's influence here should stress responsibility and the ethic of work. Capricorn is the sign of government and long-term security, and Pluto may have the effect of bringing a new world order into being. Individual nations may join in a system of world government that leads to greater stability. Starwatchers are focused on the year 2012, which the Mayan calander marks as the "end of the world." Many spiritual movements believe this is a metaphor for a change in "consciousness" when the human race will adopt a more spiritual value system. Astrologically,Pluto in Capricorn holds out the hope there will be an end to war.

What does this mean to me? If I take the information in The New Revelations seriously, than humanity is about to make a leap in spirituality or be destroyed by their own devices. It seems to line up well with what this excerpt describes. There are so many things that line up with 2012 it will be interesting to live through, far more so than the year 2000. It would be interesting to know about this in more detail, all of the astrological affects, but I really can't make time for it right now. However it appears I have until 2012 or so! :-) If anyone knows more about this, I'd be really interested in hearing about it.

Pictures

New Page 1
These are pictures of my cousin Luke who's serving in Iraq. He should be coming home soon, hopefully another two months or so, don't know for sure. Oh, and take a look at the other photo galleries on the page. It shows some of the humanitarian aid the soldiers bring, like chickens! It's really neat to look at for me personally because I can feel some of the emotions through the pictures. They're definately helping out, though I'm sure they wish they could do more.

Edit: Due to recent events I'd like to include a disclaimer in this post. The beliefs I put forth in this blog are mine, and mine alone. Please do not assume that anyone else I discuss in this blog share my beliefs, including those in my blogroll. Thank you for your understanding.

we found lesbians!

Apparently if you want to find large numbers of all variety of lesbians, simply go to the UT women's basketball games. They key is to sit in the vacinity of the girls bench, for instance section 24-25 and the floor area. We were laughing so hard because we watched the first half of the game at the other end of the arena in the other general admission area. I suggested we switch ends so we could stay on the end of the court they were playing offense on. I think from now on we'll just stay in section 24! haha! Good fun for all.

Oh, and an update on the last post about basketball. Apparently they do sing "Eyes of Texas" after every game, win or lose. So I overreacted a bit, though I still think it's kind of cruel, but oh well. This school has many wierd traditions. For anyone who's never been to a Texas game, it's like a cult! Everyone putting their horns up, at the same time, specific times within songs...crazy. I'm resisting, but I'll give in before too long because you don't want to be the only person not doing it.

In any case, way to go UT. The win wasn't the prettiest, but it had it's moments!

Qigong workout

Wow, I can't believe I just finished a 50 minute (give or take a few) qigong workout, and all standing. I recently checked out Chi Kung: Way of Power by Cheun and finally opened it today. The first part is standing Chi Kung. you warm up with 6 exercises that are short but get you moving. That couldn't have taken much more than 5 minutes to do. Then there are 4 postures. First is called holding belly. You stand in a relaxed posture and hold your hands as if you had a very large belly and were resting them there. Since I didn't keep track of time I must have stayed there for more than 10 minutes based on my overall time and how long I was in each relatively. The next position is holding ball, where you hold your hands chest level as if holding a ball. Again this I held for more than 10 minutes. Also, I found myself rocking forwards and backwards slightly, in time with my breathing, which is something I used to find myself doing in my qigong class last year. I'm not sure why I do it, but it seems to help. Someday I'll try to ask someone. The next posture was trickier, open downward. You hold your hands down and to the sides as if held up by balls about hip height. This was hard at first until I actually visualized the balls, and thus they appeared. I could feel the energy pushing my hands back up, allowing my arms and body greater relaxation. That was a neat feeling. This position I held slightly less than the other two I believe, but hard to tell. The fourth position was the hardest, open outward. You hold your hands at face level and imagine pushing a ball forward. I probably only did this one a couple minutes at most before my arms were too tired. Also in this position you sink lower so my legs got tired also.

In all positions I noticed a similar pattern. First I would feel the energy moving, then eventually I would feel cool, then I held it until the warm feeling came back, along with a cascading feeling of water passing over me. Then allowed myself to switch. I don't know why I chose that, but it seemed to work. In the end, I was suprised to see I had to have done this all for 40-50 minutes. And I was worried about going too short! I want this to be part of my daily routine because it allows the energy to balance itself out, and it's good to do that at the beginning of a day. Plus it gets me up and moving a bit which should help me be more productive.

Blast from the past

I'm talking to a friend right now who reminded me of an incident that occurred while we were stationed at 29 Palms, CA, just a few months before I would be discharged under the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. There are many people who are still shocked that people are discharged for homosexuality in the military, and many don't understand what the atmosphere can be like. This situation just touches on some of the attitudes we both dealt with there. The situation involved a Lt. Col who chose to put his ideas forth to the entire command structure through email. Unfortunately for him, someone in his email list happened to be gay. He knew my friend was also gay, and also had the balls to do something about this. Chuck was given a hard copy of the email, which he then anonymously forwarded to the proper media. I remember the first time he told me about it, we were both really excited. It isn't often you can do something substantial about this problem in the military. And it's even less often you can get a Lt. Col fired. It's been many years since then, and I can see the good and bad of both sides of this. What comes back to me as the saddest aspect of all is that the chaplain of the school received this email and did nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The original email in question is linked in this article below.
05 OCT 00: Marine Officer Disciplined for Anti-Gay E-mail to Subordinates Take a look into one aspect of the military you will rarely see unless you are actually in it.

A disclaimer: I'm not saying everyone in the military thinks this, however it's important that people know the kind of things that happen. Nor am I asking that everyone agree or disagree, just wanted to put the information out there. In the end I'm still proud of my time in the Marine Corps and support my fellow marines. There are just some that don't deserve the title at times.

internal vs external

I'm finding it hard to focus on internalizing beliefs only, rather than spreading my beliefs to the external world. I think it's because I don't fully believe that if I change my beliefs, and thus my behaviors, that the world around me will thus change. I'm also impatient, because that seems to be a very slow way to do things. Perhaps it's slow because I haven't changed much, so my world isn't going to change much either. Makes sense to me at least. But I'm finding it really hard to trust that. I also think it may be easier to change if there are others around me who believe the same, thus the need for them to believe what I believe. So there's this internal battle between the idea that people need to come to their own beliefs, and my idea that they should believe what I believe. And then the conflict between wanting others to change, and thus making my change easier, or me changing first and thus changing the world around me. I know what is the right choice, but it's very hard apparently, because I keep choosing the wrong one! Perhaps the CWG meetup on sunday will bring clarity. Or I'll just do what I'm supposed to do, be the person I want to be, and all will be well in the end :-)

more than one blog?

I've been debating about making a new blog so I can separate out the deeper posts from the light "this is my life today" posts. But then I realized, all of those are me, and each affect each other. Besides, if someone doesn't care about me rearranging my living room, they won't read it, simple as that. And also, for the few people that do care, they can go to one simple location rather than linking to different blogs. Perhaps if I wasn't about to start the next semester I would consider it more, but I think this is the best option for now.

Hot Abercrombie Chick Posts: eliminate free exercise clause

Hot Abercrombie Chick Posts: eliminate free exercise clause

This is a really interesting idea, to remove the idea of free exercise of religion. What I think is funny is that religious groups get special rights due to their status as a religion. Yet, these are the same groups argueing against gay rights by saying that would give special rights. That's so hilarious to me! I never realized it before the author of this post mentioned it. I think I'm going to laugh about this for many minutes! :-)

Anyway, as to how this could actually happen, it comes back to what I've been talking about with needing to change beliefs to change behaviors. If we changed this whole idea of religion and religious people being 'better' in some way than other people, than all of the special rights churches get wouldn't be necessary.

"We Are All One."
"Ours is not a better way, ours is merely another way."

Two sentences, when spoken by religious leaders, could change the world and remove the idea of religious superiority.

I'm actually really curious what she's going to say next, and I'm definately blogrolling her.

The New Revelations

These are God's new revelations (from The New Revelations: A Conversation with God by Neale Donald Walsch)

1. God has never stopped communicating directly with human beings. God has been communicating with and through human beings from the beginning of time. God does so today.

2. Every human being is as special as every other human being who has ever lived, lives now, or ever will live. You are all messengers. Every one of you. You are carrying a message to life about life every day. Every hour. Every moment.

3. No path to God is more direct than any other path. No religion is the "one true religion," no people are "the chosen people," and no prophet is the "greatest prophet."

4. God needs nothing. God requires nothing in order to be happy. God is happiness itself. Therefore, God requires nothing of anyone or anything in the universe.

5. God is not a singular Super Being, living somewhere in the Universe or outside of it, having the same emotional needs and subject to the same emotional turmoil as humans. That Which Is God cannot be hurt or damaged in any way, and so, has no need to seek revenge or impose punishment.

6. All things are One Thing. There is only One Thing, and all things are part of the One Thing That Is.

7. There is no such thing as Right and Wrong. There is only What Works and What Does Not Work, depending upon what it is that you seek to be, do or have.

8. You are not your body. Who you are is limitless and without end.

9. You cannot die, and you will never be condemned to eternal damnation.

-------

These are things I completely and fully believe, and not because God supposedly said them, but because they make sense like nothing has ever made sense before.

There are things I believed before reading Neale Donald Walsch. I believed that I wasn't going to hell because I was gay. I'd read enough to know that the bible is not infallible, and thus the passages about homosexuality meant nothing to me (among other reasons). Also, I believed that we were truly one with everything thing in the universe. Everything is energy at it's most basic, and thus everything is one. I wasn't sure about reincarnation, but had a hunch it happened, though not necessarily in the way that other religions describe it. And the last big thing I believed is that your perception creates your reality. These were the ideas I had when I came to these books. I found these concepts validated by God (I believe) in these books. But not the God I grew up with, but the God I'd come to know more recently. I used to call it the Universe, the Force, Energy, but these are all the same, they are all God. We are all God, parts of God.

While I believe all of these revelations, there are still things I need to internalize fully. Knowing we are all one, and truly believing it at my core are two different things. Perhaps it's an issue of remembering...so my new goal is to decide who I want to be before I head out the door every day. Rather than reacting, I simply be who I want to be. Simple things like picking up trash I see and throwing it away. Something so simple, yet it takes conscious effort.

It is my hope that others by way of reading this will at the very least be intrigued and look into these ideas further, perhaps reading these books. There are many who will not allow themselves to look into this, many who will not have the courage to face what they've been told and see how it doesn't make any sense. But for those with the courage, I encourage you to check these books out as they can change your life. They certainly have mine.

If you can admit that our world is not working, that is the first step to peace. Look around you, and you will see that more of the same ideas is not going to fix anything. Beliefs change behavior. It is the only thing that does. To change behavior, look at your beliefs. Do not worry about others, because by changing your own beliefs you will find the world around you changes without your trying. Your influence will be enough.

projects

Well, apparently we felt super motivated lately because last night we completely rearranged the living room and today we built a cat toy. It's great fun, and we feel so much better about the room overall...except now there's a bunch of random stuff I need to put away and clean up. At least we did it before the school year so I still have a few days to straighten out the house before classes.

Also, today I saw a chiropractor for the first time in many years. She used the activator or actuator or something like that, and did electric stem on my back. It definately helped, though we'll have to see how much more it does on monday when I have my next appointment. I just feel better knowing I'm getting everything taken care of so I shouldn't have headaches and back pain anymore. And she's planning on ordering me massage so my insurance will cover it! hehe...

wierd day

As happens occasionally, I had a wierd afternoon. My head was very cloudy, feeling like I was being messed with in some way. This makes me want to just sleep, so I took a short nap when I got home. In my half-sleeping state was when things got really wierd. I heard many different voices, mens voices, but even though I could tell what they were saying from time to time nothing seemed to relate to me, almost like overhearing a conversation. But then, out of nowhere it felt like I had been kicked in the head. It felt like a sharp blow, but inside my psyche rather than my physical body, and it was in the location of my third eye. I woke up a bit, and tried to remember anything leading up to that moment, but I couldn't figure it out. So I went back to sleep and it happened one more time, though not as sharply as the first. I thought for a second that it could have been the sound of banging pots, but that's a different feeling when it wakes me up. So this was quite strange. Now I wonder if I happened to pick up on something, or if this was directed specifically at me. Or was I just an innocent bystander? I will probably never know...

The Return

Well, we made it back, dirty and tired but in one piece. So now it's time for an update.

The journey north
Upon arrival at Austin station we learned there are no checked bags. This was very suprising, since you'd think they would tell people that when they buy tickets, and we were worried about our bags being too large. However, there are locations on the bottom of the trains for large bags so we were fine. We were on a superliner, which has two levels, with bathrooms and handicapped seating on the bottom and everyone else on the top. We chose a seat in the back, right behind to kids that were 12 and 13 or so and their father. It was interesting watching people interact. The two mexican boys that sat near us made friends with a 13 year old black kid (I don't know their names, and race is the easiest description right now) The boys alternated the whole trip between tripping over themselves trying to impress the two sets of girls (who also happened to be 11 and 13) and to what equated a pissing contest involving beating the crap out of their respective little brothers. Sometimes it was cute, othertimes it was obnoxious. It was certainly an interesting look into the lives of pre-teens.

We learned quickly that trains induce sleep very very well. There is constant white noise from the air circulating, and the gentle rocking is all you need to pass out. I found I could stay awake better in the sightseeing car since I didn't have to crane my neck to look out, and it had more natural light. We tried to watch the movies, but the sound wasn't high enough to hear easily. The first night we did eat in the dining car since it was a better deal to get a whole dinner for $11 than to spend $7 for a sandwhich and chips at lunch. It was very good food, my half chicken had an interesting buttery type flavor to it that I loved, and Carrie got the alfredo. All in all it was a good meal and only $22, which is how much we would have paid to eat at denny's or something similar.

Sleeping by the way isn't as bad as on a plane. You have a huge amount of space with extra supports for your upper legs and feet. It wasn't as comfortable as a bed, but definately better than a plane. Oh, we also realized that while it seems like a good idea to play cards, they all slide around due to the motion of the train so it's a bit difficult!

The train from Chicago to Milwaukee is very different because it's a commuters train. The seats are like plane seats, but there were power outlets so we could charge our phone. That's the biggest improvement Amtrak could make is including more power outlets throughout the train, especially by the seats or even just in the lounge car. However we slept so much we didn't go through many batteries at all.

At home
My mom and brother picked us up from the train station and we drove the 2 hours back home. Both my parents have been fighting a real bad cough/cold so they weren't the most entertaining, but it's ok. Saturday Nate was allowed to have Brilee so he was lots of fun. That kid's pretty smart, and definately understood opening presents, which amused me. You never know what kids will do at 14 months, but he's making lots of noises, almost sound like words at times. He also has the cutest little singing type thing he does. We took a little video of him so we can make a dvd and send it home. Then when nate's lonely for Brilee he can watch the dvd.

Christmas with the Nollenbergs wasn't bad. I talked to Grandma and Angela and Mark and Barb, who always makes the effort to talk to us even though we rarely see her. I spent a lot of time chasing after Brilee also. But it was fun.

We splurged a bit for Christmas and bought my parents a Terry Redlin print. They really like his work, but really can't afford to spend money on them. But this one was super discounted, I think around 75%. Besides, it can go on the wall and not take up more space, which is important.

Saturday night we hung out with Luanne, which is always fun. We caught up on all the New London drama and got the whole story about her meeting Barry Manilow which was hilarious. She's going to be in San Antonio in February to see Mike in a play so hopefully we'll get a chance to see her again because she's very fun.

The trip south
Sunday we headed back to Milwaukee. It's too bad my parents were so sick because we really didn't get to spend much time together. But it's ok, we're planning a long trip in the summer so we can help fix up the house. Anyway, the train to Chicago was very empty compared to the ride to Milwaukee. In Chicago we only had a short layover, so that wasn't bad, though there were tons of people! We were hoping to get a seat with an outlet but no luck. However this time we sat in the front of the car right in front of a bunch of kids. One woman was travelling alone with 3 kids, one a young toddler, maybe 2 years old, another toddler about 3, and the oldest boy about 5. The kids cried at times which sucked, but otherwise it was fine. I talked to that lady about religion, which was interesting. She got off at Longview, then it was just the woman behind us with her 3 or 4 year old, who was just adorable. He kept saying 'let's go home' and wanting to just get off the train. He didn't understand that home was far away, not just a matter of getting off the train. But we had fun with them all.

I had breakfast monday morning, which was pretty good french toast that filled me up. Carrie was feeling all crampy and sick so she didn't eat until lunch. I spent a lot more time in the sightseeing car because carrie was sleeping so I didn't feel bad leaving her alone. There are so many pretty places. My favorites were any that had a stream or river and big hills. That probably sounds wierd, but I know what I mean!

We arrived back in Austin on time to be picked up by our neighbor who was also nice enough to check on the cats. They weren't very happy with us for leaving, but they're getting back to normal already. All of the presents made it safely home with us, though we'll have to wait for my mom to ship a few others that we didn't have room for. The coolest one is the UConn basketball from last year. It has the men's and women's schedules on it, but the case just has the women's championship information. It's really neat.

Well this is certainly a long post, so I'll cut it off now. Only one week left before classes start...eeek!

going back

Tomorrow morning we head back to Milwaukee. It's gone so fast, which is sad, because there are plenty of things to do here, but we have to get back. However we're planning a long trip in the summer. We'll drive so we can bring my old stuff back, plus we can stay and try to make sense of this house. It's the one big thing that would help my parents out.

However, this trip has been fun because we hung out with my good friend Luanne tonight. More on her another day probably, because I need to get some rest. She'll be coming to San Antonio in February to see Mike's show, so hopefully we'll also go to San Antonio and all hang out. It certainly would be fun.

Well, off to bed. Up at 8 and a quick run to the grocery store and then on to the train station. Woohoo...

5 steps to peace

1. You can choose to acknowledge that some of your old beliefs about God and about Life are no longer working.

2. You can choose to acknowledge that there is something you do not understand about God and about Life, the understanding of which will change everything.

3. You can choose to be willing for a new understanding of God and Life to now be brought forth, an understanding that could produce a new way of life on your planet.

4. You can choose to be courageous enough to explore and examine this new understanding, and, if it aligns with your inner truth and knowing, to enlarge your belief system to include it.

5. You can choose to live your lives as demonstrations of your highest and grandest beliefs, rather than denials of them.

These are the Five Steps to Peace, and if you take them, you can shift everything on your planet.
--The New Revelations: A Conversation with God by Neale Donald Walsch

These are the steps to fundamental belief changes, changes that are absolutely necessary to bring about true peace in our world. We cannot bring peace by changing our behaviors, though this is what we've tried to do for millenia. It is as simple as it is profound, that beliefs create behaviors.

If you don't believe this, think about the worst behaviors and what beliefs produce them. Muslims suicide bomb people because they believe they will be rewarded in heaven. What a strong belief to override the natural part of humanity that seeks to survive at all cost! Christians murder abortion doctors because they believe God has told them to do it. Again, a belief so strong it allows them to kill another human being, which goes against human nature. It also goes against the 10 commandments, but logic is clearly not involved here. Think of smaller behaviors. Your feelings towards a person completely change by something you believe happens, even if it doesn't. Why do we do anything? We believe something exists and react accordingly. Thefore, change the beliefs and you change the behaviors.

We are all one. We are not separate from each other or God. This fundamental fact can change everything. Would you hurt another being if you believed that person was a part of you, and thus hurting them hurt yourself? If we are not separate from each other, than no one is above or below another. How can you look down on another if you believe them to be equal to you? How can you treat another anything less than equal once you believe them to be so? There will be no need to legislate equality because equality will come naturally.

There is no one right way to God. We all know that most wars are fought over religious ideas. If we believe that we are one with God, then we realize we do not need any particular religion or ritual to return to God, because we are already with God. The ability for any religion to then say they are right is taken away, and thus cooperation can begin. When will Ireland see peace? When they realize they are fighting over nothing, that no one is right, that they are all one. When will the middle east have peace? When they accept that the God they all worship (take your pick which one it is) is not God, but a God they made up many millenia ago to control populations.

It is simple. God is all. Therefore God does not require anything from us, because by definition God is all. We are also God because God is all. We are not separate from God, we just perceive it as such. God is joy, pure love. God requires nothing, loves unconditionally. Think about this, feel it in your heart to be true, and come to your spirituality. For that is where true peace and joy come from.

made it

Well, after 34 hours, 2 trains, 1 car, and 1400 miles we've made it to Wisconsin. It's now time for a nice hot shower to remove the travel stink and rejuvinate the body. As for now I'm just happy there are no more 11-13 year olds running around crazy, and that we'll be able to lay all the way down rather than 3/4 of the way. I'll try to actually update tomorrow, though it will be hectic. How could I have thought 2 full days would be enough here? Silly me. Tomorrow I plan to head to my old high school and see a teacher or two, and run a few little errands like figuring out what to get my parents at the last minute. Should be fun. Well, off to the shower and bed.

only a few hours left

Our train leaves in the morning...just a few hours to go. We're packed now, except for the food that needs to go in the cooler. I'm still amazed at how many cds fit onto an mp3 disk. It's saving us a ton of room! Our neighbor is keeping an eye on everything for us when were gone; she's very sweet. We're planning to videotape our adventure, which will hopefully make the trip go smoother for Carrie since she's afraid of trains. In any case, I'll be back in Wisconsin soon, where seasons make sense. I can't wait to see snow!!!!! And not be hot!!!! Then we'll come back and it will hopefully back to normal temps in the 60's. Only a week left of vacation once we return, which sucks, but hopefully I can get a few more things done before it's back to Jackson EM and Sakarai QM. Blah...

comment/contact free blogs

I completely understand that some people need the freedom to write without worrying about what others say back, but it's really hard when I want to give them information that could really help them! This woman's blog/, which I have in my blogroll, is so interesting to me, I want to just sit and talk to her for hours about the things she discusses in her blog, but there is no contact information! lol, I know it's her choice, but it's a wierd feeling, like I'm pent up with no where to go. It's how I felt last summer in my women's literature class. We had a final paper that involved, among other things, to write a letter to one of the author's we read, including their response. I chose to write to Carson McCullers after we read The Ballad of the Sad Cafe. In the process of writing that paper I found a wonderful piece of insight that may or may not have been intentional on the part of the author. Unfortunately, she's been dead for some years now so I couldn't get any feedback on my ideas. It was so frustrating, feeling like I really hit on something but couldn't know for sure. It simply had to be enough that I opened the minds of a few of my classmates when they read my ideas. It was also nice that the professor had never noticed what I noticed in the story either, and she's a brilliant woman.

It certainly is interesting how people can affect us with just their thoughts and written words. It makes me want to be a better writer/communicator. In the meantime this woman will simply be an inspiration to me, triggering ideas anonymously.

qigong

I bought a book at Half Price Books the other day called The Qigong Year by Michael Bruney. It's an interesting approach in that he introduces one exercise per month, but each exercise includes an basic, an advanced (which is way harder) and a sitting version. In addition he introduces a breathing technique and a few other key concepts each time. The idea is to learn one move very well and get more benefit than to do many movements poorly and get little benefit. The past two days I've woken up and done the first exercise, holding the heavens. It seems like a simple exercise, except it's difficult for me to stand on my tip toes while my arms are above my head. Plus my right shoulder does not go straight up well because it slips in the joint, so I can't do it exactly correct. However, just doing that one exercise 10 times makes me feel more alert. I'm also learning how to relax my body more to keep my balance. This must be what he's talking about. With only one exercise to focus on I naturally take more time to do it right. After doing the exercise you're supposed to follow with a breathing meditation. Today I simply stood there with my eyes closed and my hands at the lower dantien and just breathed. I was suprised how long I could keep my focus, it's so much better than when I started! I didn't keep track of how long I did this, basically until I decided to stop. After just breathing I also starting adding hand movements to the breathing, moving out towards the sides on inhale, and in on the exhale. Just to practice I sent energy to my hands and could feel it, though not enough to make an energy ball. I also switched to doing the same thing vertically, opening my hands on the inhale and closing them on the exhale. Overall I had moments of excellent focus, and moments of some drift, but not bad at all. Very enjoyable!

Naked

I like being naked.
But not in front of strangers.
Clothes can feel so restrictive. I'm not saying physically, but energetically. Right now I'm sitting in front of the window which has been open for days thanks to the Texas heat wave, and the breeze feels wonderful! The problem is, in order to have it open I have the blinds only open a foot or so and I sit with my chair shielding me from the outside. I can't wait till we have a house somewhere where I can be naked and have the windows open and it not matter! But this is a huge improvement over living with other people where I can only be naked in my room!

I was raised in a family that didn't make nakedness a big deal. There really weren't rules about shutting the bathroom door, or wearing a lot of clothes around the house. This may not seem strange to some people, unless you know my family! My family doesn't talk, about much of anything important at least. So I never had the sex talk with my parents, or the drugs/alcohol talk...not that I needed it. I got that at school and karate and from my own brain. But it's interesting that we had this freedom in nakedness but we never talked about it. It just amuses me. I think my family is a good example of how kids learn values without having been told them though. Would more communication have been a good thing? Probably, but it may have made things worse also. When there were things I wanted to talk about, I found a way to bring them up, and vice versa. At least things weren't pushed. No awkward and demeaning moral talks, which I'm thankful for. And at least with the no talking there weren't opportunities to say things that hurt people's feelings. Well, except for my brother who excels at talking and being offensive. :-) In the end I think we turned out pretty good, with the freedom to be who we are, in spite of our flaws and mistakes.

In other words, naked=freedom=good :-)

Project Entropia

Project Entropia

I heard about this game...I don't know, somewhere. Basically it's a MMORPG where you can earn real money. You can transfer money in, and it turns into game money, and you can earn money in the game and transfer it out. I figure hell, if I'm going to play a video game (though they say this isn't a game) I might as well earn some money at it.

Well, first off, if you aren't going to start with money, you have to really work your ass off to earn money. But I signed on and got a mentor right away who gave me a gun and ammo and is going to give me armor. Problem is I haven't been able to sign on. It's a bit annoying since someone is willing to make things so much easier for me. The game has a steeper learning curve than final fantasy because controls take longer and it is a combined effort between mouse and keyboard to maneuver. The only issue is I'm not sure I want to keep playing any video games that are time intensive. But I'll give this a try for a bit, you never know.

If anyone else has played this game, please leave a comment, I'm interested in learning more.

back to karate

Tonight was my first karate practice since breaking my toe this fall. Since it was just myself and Patrick it was real informal, just us talking and working on things. It was good to get back, work out some of the rust, realize how many katas I forgot! Sensei will be back next week, but at least I got a little work in tonight. Unfortunately Sensei tends to do hard workouts after a break, which makes it hard to want to go. But I'll go, because I have to get back into it. I'm far too lazy lately and far from mentally tough. At least I know that I have to test in front of Sensei Nishiyama for 1st brown, so that's next fall. Plenty of time to get my speed and kime up.

Completely cruel

Today we went to the University of Texas vs Rutgers women's basketball game. It was a sloppy game, very low scoring and not typical January basketball. In the end Texas lost, which is always a bit sad, but then something suprising happened. The whole team stood at center court and was force to sing with the crowd "The eyes of Texas". For those who don't know, the song is:
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
All the live-long day.
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
You cannot get away.
Do not think you can escape them,
At night or early in the morn.
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
Till Gabriel blows his horn.

Ok, so now imagine you just lost a basketball game, and had to hear this song. How cruel?! I mean this just shocked me. It's just a game people! To humiliate these kids...it's terrible. I know I'm making this sound really bad, but it really amazed me. How do you do this to someone? Maybe I'm misunderstanding the tradition, but it seemed really mean spirited. Granted the crowd didn't feel mean spirited about it, but those kids looked terrible. Is this really necessary in this day and age? I mean seriously...it's just a game!

Amtrak

I'm taking Amtrak for the first time on Wednesday. It was only $200 to go home to Wisconsin (round trip) and gets me within an hour and a half of my parents. It takes almost 30 hours total, but I'm excited. I've never been on a train before, but I read a few books about train trips. For instance, Paul Thereoux writes great books about his trips on trains. I've been curious ever since. Besides, trains take as long as cars but are far more comfortable since I can walk around and stretch, and not have to focus on driving. It's also cheap, and trains can't fall out of the sky. I know trains crash, but there's a better chance of surviving in a train than a plane. Now the only real question is whether I'll get motion sick and whether I'll be able to sleep at all. I already have my main activites planned: final fantasy tactics or advance wars 2 on my game boy advance, and transcribing drum parts for the zeppelin songs I need to learn and a few others just for fun. I'll also bring a book or two and my journal once I find it! How could I lose that? Once I find it, that should be plenty for me to do. I also bought a gi gong book today that I can do when I get stiff or bored on the train.

I can't wait to update after the trip!

Astrological Charts

Yesterday we went to Barnes & Noble because we were bored and it was the only bookstore open that late on New Years Day. We bought The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need, which was recommended when I went to Natural Magic a month back or so. I really want to learn about my chart and figured it would be best if I learned to do it myself. So we picked it up, then went to IHOP for some yummy fruity pancakes!

I tried doing the charts when we got home. One problem is my lack of memory regarding my birth time. I know it's around 7:30 but I don't remember if it's am or pm, which makes a huge difference for your ascending. And I've discovered it's hard to know what to take from each one, how heavily to weight...I definately have a lot more reading to do. Hopefully I'll find someone with more experience to discuss this with also. It is very enlightening though.

randomness at HEB

Tonight I ran to HEB (grocery store) to grab some stuff for Carrie and to get snacks for my trip home. As I was going in, a completely random woman smiled at me and said hey, how's it going? It took me a second to realize she was talking to me, since I don't know her, but she was looking right at me. Then I realized, shit, she's hitting on me! lol, it's been so long I forgot what that was! I kept walking, though I did respond, but I then wondered after if she realized I was a girl or if she saw me as a guy. I have no idea, since I honestly couldn't tell if she was gay or straight. And since I'm wearing my best androgenous shirt, she could have thought either gender. In the end, it doesn't really matter, and it was a slight ego boost :-)