Rent

Oh my god, I could have sworn I blogged about this movie! lol, silly me. So friday night we went to see Rent at Alamo Lake Creek, because that was the only Alamo showing it. Apparently we can't see movies anywhere else now lol, we're totally spoiled. Where else can you get yummy chips and queso? :-)

Anyway, the movie...it's excellent. It stays true to the musical, even when it changes things a bit. For instance, the background of Joann is skipped, so that's a little odd. And Maureen and Joann's fight is in a completely different setting, but it's hilarious! The movie made us cry, a lot, which is a good sign. When someone can make you cry, even when you know what happens, then they did a good job.

I also think it's neat to see so many of the people who originated these roles. And the newcomers definately do it justice, so I didn't feel like anyone was 'wrong'. Rosario Dawson, a big kudos, she nailed Mimi.

Something I find interesting is comparing the original cast recordings to the movie versions of the same songs. Even though you have the same people, there can be some big differences in how they interpret the song 9 years later. Well, it's interesting to musical folks like myself lol. For instance, Without You is done a few steps lower in the movie than in the musical. I have no idea why, because Rosario clearly has the range. Maybe it will make sense after seeing it again. It may just set the mood differently. lol, maybe it will be explained in the special features of the dvd :-)

So, my final review is, excellent movie. Worth seeing, multiple times in fact. I want to go see it again, but I'll have to wait since we don't have the money. DVD now!!!

Indigo Lesbians

(as you can tell, I should be doing homework, so instead I'm rambling here lol)

Anyway, a few weeks ago already I received a random email from some indigo lesbians. Strangely enough, they were having trouble finding other lesbian indigos, and I was the only place that popped up via google. It seems strange, but then I thought about it more. Many of the people are gay or bi, but they don't use the language. Instead they talk about soul makes, and soul connections. Sexuality really isn't the issue for them, so it isn't discussed in the same way as other people would discuss it.

Anyway, today I im'd her for the first time, and it was very nice :-) I actually got an interesting feeling in my chest, which was...hotter...than what the warmth normally feels like. It's hard to describe, since it's not a true heat sensation since there's no burning involved, but it still feels hotter, and more focused. For instance, I usually feel warmth in my chest that takes up easily half my chest. This was more like an inch or so in diameter. More focused, which may be why the energy felt 'hotter', since it was compressed into a smaller space. anyway...time to shut of the logic part of me lol

When I felt that, I felt a great love. I've been having so many problems lately with frustration, etc (overstating the obvious, see previous posts) and in the midst of that feeling it all went away. Love feels great by the way! I was able to let go of all of the crap, and just feel it. And then I acted on it. I apologized to someone, and tried to make things right. I even consciously said, that's what love would do. :-)

I'm not saying this will stick around forever or anything, but it feels good now. And with that, I turn to my homework. Good night.

Finally!!!!!!!!

Sara Lee Foodservice� - Product Main PageAha! These are my favorites, and the one thing that disappointed me most about Texas, the inability to get Cheddy brats (as I call them, even though they're smoked sausage lol) But, the other day, I look over and, holy shit! Fucking Cheddy brats! I seriously picked up 2 packages and called home immediately! lol, my brother made fun of Texas for being like a million years behind the times, since we've been eating them all of our lives, but it doesn't matter. I'm just beyond happy they have them now! Woohoo!!!!!!

I quit

I quit all the stuff that is sucking me down. I will focus only on those things that are necessary. Those being:
1. Homework
2. Research
3. Teaching
4. Traditional training followups
5. Meditation

Do you think if I put it in writing, it will stick with me? lol rawr! so annoying!!!! what's annoying? everything lol, I hate this part of the school year where I get all stressed out and pissed off and it's fucking...grrrr...just yeah...it's obnoxious, this feeling. Need to figure this out...

when you say too much

It's funny what happens when, even though others agree with you, if you're the person who does the actual speaking up, you're the person that catches all the flak for it when it's not popular anymore. When others wouldn't speak up, either because they were too shy, or too busy, whatever, and I was the person who stepped up and did it. I think that's interesting...And kinda shitty really. But, whatever. Time to step back and become inconspicuous again. Maybe someone else will take control for once, as has been asked in the past.

mood: annoyed, slightly bitter, and frustrated

Time to do some homework.

I hate getting pissed

I really hate when someone finally gets to me enough that I get upset. It's like all that work I do to let things go flies out the window. It's annoying! lol, and then I have to waste time regaining my composure.

The way I usually avoid this is by trying to understand why someone is delusional, an asshole, whatever. But when I get to the point where I lose it, it makes it that much more difficult to care. What do I care if they have issues with being right, or if they were shit on by their parents? I often just say, I don't care.

And then, somewhere, that little sane part of myself reminds me that I do care. And as much as I want to hit them, I wouldn't because I do care. And because that would go against all my principles. To first remain in control of my emotions, not acting from them. And second, to help the world by bringing in love, compassion, and understanding rathering than adding hurt by bringing in frustration, anger, and fear.

So it turns into this whole big annoying thing of internal conflict, what I should do vs what I want to do, whether to act from my highest (or even slightly higher) self or from my lower self.

Constant lessons, that's what life supplies. Whether you like them or not, they are there for you, until you learn them. sigh...

To the anti-military recruiters

There's this whole anti-recruiter movement, especially on campus. I understand their point in a way. Their motto is books not guns. Basically that kids should be in college and not in the military and at war. I wonder if their concern is really for the people though. This is why.

Having been in the military, there are different groups of people. A vast majority of enlisted are poor or lower middle class. These are not people that were going to college anyway either for money or education reasons. If it weren't for the military they would be working a dead end job that in the end was meaningless. The military, therefore, provides a way out of their down, out of their dead end life, and into a family (hopefully) and a way to make a difference in the world (hopefully).

Then there are those who basically had the choice of military or jail. Now this isn't always a good idea either, but either they shape up or end up doing something stupid to send them to the brig. At least they are given a chance to go somewhere with their life this way. One example is Doc Therin (spelling is wrong I bet) who was in the Navy instead of going to jail. He was a corpsman, and going to college in his spare time to get his medical degree. The military gave him the chance to go to school and provide for his son. Jail certainly wouldn't have done that.

Then there are people like me. People who for one reason or another always wanted to be in the military. I went to a year of college, found it boring. It just wasn't where i needed to be at the time. No, I didn't know exactly everything before going in, but it was a decision I made, on my own. No one forced me, and no one convinced me.

So perhaps I'm more of the person these people are worrying about, those that are in college and leave for the military. The thing is, if you're in college, you're a somewhat intelligent person. The decision to leave college for military shouldn't be done lightly. But, I don't agree that anyone needs a group of college kids acting like a parent telling recruiters to stay away. What do these people know anyway? How do they know that college is really best for a person? Last time I checked a college degree doesn't guarantee anything, especially in Austin. Maybe the military is exactly where a person needs to be at that point in their life. I think it's highly arrogant to assume you know what's best for an individual.

Yes, I think there are recruiters who lie and really work kids to join. And there are some that really don't know what they're getting into. But, these are usually the poorest of the poor. What other option do they have? If you want the military to not be an option, find another one. Give these people another opportunity, because until there is one, the military is the best place to go. You are given everything you need to live. Yes, you may have to go to war, and that sucks. People need to know that before they sign up. But I think these anit-recruiter groups are selling people short in thinking they can't protect themselves from the predatory recruiters.

Who are these anti-recruiter people anyway? Seems to me like they're just some upper class kids who know nothing about struggle and survival. They have their ideals with no understanding of what those ideals mean to others. Most of the recruiters, I believe, are good guys just trying to do the best they can in a job that really sucks. But it's their job. And, if they're still in the military, they obviously think there's enough redeeming qualities to bring other people into service.

You don't have to agree with them. You don't have to join, but stop ragging on everyone who joins the military. We're not stupid. I don't think I met anyone in the military who got screwed completely. Also, it's up to the individuals to check facts a bit before signing on the line. We're all adults when we join. And those that aren't had to have parents who signed them in. If you don't want your kid joining the military, don't sign the papers. Make them wait until they're 18. Show them the other side of what the recruiters say. But don't put this all on the recruiters. It's a cop out. Personal responsibility is what everything comes down to. Try it sometime.

*note* I realize I have a somewhat tainted view since I came through the Marine Corps, and I hold them to a higher standard. I haven't run into anyone who is truly unhappy. I can't speak for the Army, which needs much higher numbers for enlistment, thus the recruiters are under greater pressure. In any case, my points still stand. If these people weren't getting something out of being in the military, they would be making a bigger noise about recruiting practices. But I think once you're in you let that go and just go with the flow.

Can a person have two souls?

This is now the second time I've had to confront this question and I still don't know the answer. Two people in my life had significant parts of themselves that didn't feel like them. The more extreme of the examples is the person who feels like most of their life up to age 13 they spent watching their life from outside their body. As if they didn't actually inhabit it until they were 13. The difference at 13 was that they were put on ritalin and went to a camp where he met the trees.

Now, I did find a reference to soul braiding, where two souls inhabit the same body, but that's the only reference I found online. And it didn't appear to fit him, he said. I found another reference from a man who said his spirit guides said that two souls couldn't inhabit the same body because it violates the free will of the souls, which is impossible. I'm inclined to agree with him. I can't imagine how two souls could coexist, and certainly not in a way that's so destructive.

What does make more sense to me is that his soul was not grounded to his body. Therefore, much of his life was spent outside of his body. Bad things could happen because there wasn't anyone 'home' protecting from outside influences. So manipulative people could take control of him without his being able to stop them.

The difference at 13 is the trees called to his soul, grounding it to earth. With the soul more firmly rooted to the body it could dispell the manipulative forces and stay in control. I don't honestly know how the ritalin contributed, though it probably prevented astral episodes since it seems to shut down other metaphysical gifts.

So why would this be happening again? Perhaps it's mismanaging of the new energy on earth. If someone is not taking time to align themselves they could be thrown so out of whack that they're a mess. Perhaps he's not following the path he needs to right now. I really don't know. And even if I'm right about all of this, he'll disagree anyway lol But if anyone knows, I'm all ears.

Thanksgiving

Carrie cooked our first, all alone, full Thanksgiving feast! It was excellent! We had so much food, I'm just now beginning to be a little hungry, and we ate around 4 lol. The turkey was perfect, plus we had real mashed potatoes, real gravy from the bird, green beans seasoned with smoked sausage, and real made from scratch dressing. Plus some corn because it's a rule, and my favorite jellied cranberry sauce (ocean spray only!) Hehe, it was nice. We both ate a bunch, and then felt quite sleepy. But I opted for a little drum time, since I haven't played in weeks and missed it. Unfortunately my endurance is crap, so I only played a few songs before my brother called and I quit for the evening. I'll definately have to make time more often.

I hope everyone had a good Turkey day. I already decorated the tree, and it looks so nice! And the blue icicle lights are up on our balcony. I feel much better now :-) I can't wait to see what Carrie does with the Christmas village hehe, it's a suprise. I still want a mini tree for all of our mini ornaments and a tree skirt. Usually I put the mini's on the tree, but this year the tree is already full since it's tucked into a corner. See, in our family our parents gave me and my brother hallmark ornaments every year as we were older. I also have ornaments from my babysitter when I was really little. So there are a few groups on the tree. The stuff from my childhood, including my first christmas, painted ceramics from my babysitter (which I absolutely adore!) and the halmarks that just say daughter and the year. Then there are the star wars ones, which are fun. Then the Harry Potter section, and finally the space section. I like it, though very few ornaments are Carrie's. But, mom and dad keep getting us little personalized ones so we have matching snowmen and such, and she has her own colts ornament, which goes right next to my packers ornament. hehe :-) I love Christmas, and just because of the family stuff, not gifts. It's just nice. :-)

Why I like Texas this week

Notice I didn't say love? I don't think I can ever love Texas. But there are some nice things about it.

1. Texas renaissance fair - We went for a few hours on sunday, which is the last day, thanks to some free passes. It's huge, for one, and quite amusing. People not even in costume walking around with swords, because, where else can you walk around with swords? hehe Also, some costumes were amazing! And...best of all...I got to eat some homemade pierogie! Yummy!!! So many different foods, you can't go wrong.

We also saw some great crafts, including these amazing amulets made out of clay and with symbols inscribed. I've never seen such nice amulets, between the colors and unique symbols. Unfortunately he only sells at ren fairs, but I will return next year for them. We also got this super cool looking dragon carved from wood (we think) that was only $10. Definately a good deal. So, if you have money to burn, the ren fair is a good place to do it at.

Ooh, and I almost forgot the best part. We went in this little haunted house like thing, and the two girls ahead of us freaked out. They seriously waited so we could catch up, then had us go ahead of them. They were literally hanging on carrie and screaming. It wasn't really that scary either. lol, very wierd and funny and worth the $3 hehe

2. It's finally cooled off. It feels like fall! It's a miracle! Granted, back home they had snow for my birthday, but cool weather is good enough for me. Now if only the packers could manage to win! Stupid vikings and their last second field goals. :-P

3. Hmm...guess I'm a little short on the liking stuff today. I'm not going to force it, just get ready for bed and let tomorrow be better. We plan to go to the Ansel Adams exhibit at the Ransom Center. I can't wait!

Why I hate Texas this week

Here's my rundown:

$151 - the cost of the new taillight needed to pass inspection because you can't have tape or anything over a working light, even though you can in Wisconsin. That does not include the gas it took to run to north austin (spicewood springs) and then back to far south austin (almost slaughter lane) just to end up at the dealership.

$40 - the cost of the vehicle safety and emissions test. this doesn't include the hour waiting around for it

$172 - the suprise cost of changing my registration over. this includes a $90 fee for new residents. How's that for a welcome to texas? Yeah, not so fucking funny when you're basically broke now

Over $350 when my car is still legally registered in wisconsin until june. Why the fuck do they require this crap? It's a giant conspiracy.

Hmm...and if you can't tell, the stress of the past few days has left me irritable, quick to lose my temper, and speaking in quite piss poor language. Sometimes I really fucking hate texas.

Season Opener - UT vs NM

It's officially college basketball season again, as the UT women opened against New Mexico tonight. I went by myself since Carrie is sleeping off our exhausting week, which meant I had an extra ticket. After watching people for a bit I walked up to 2 women who were waiting for tickets and asked if they wanted a free ticket since my wife couldn't attend. Lucky for me, they invited me to sit with them, if I didn't have anyone to sit with. It was cute, one of the women even said 'we're family'. Haha, it's been since the military that I heard queers referred to as family. :-) They were all nice, and definately better than sitting alone.

As for the game, there were some definate high points. The defense rocked the last 10 minutes of the first half. Ariaran got hot somewhere in the middle and ended up with quite a few points. She also decided to wear her hair slicked down which really threw me off! I think I like it better though, she looks more serious and hard core. Cortijo also made some things happen at the end, but it wasn't enough to win. I wish Norman could have played more, especially in the second half, but I'm guessing her knee was acting up. The second half wasn't as good, which is probably just inexperience. I can see the potential in this team, it's just a matter of how fast they get it together. It should be exciting :-)

Harry Fucking Potter!

Oh my god, they seriously can't make a bad Harry Potter movie! This movie is so awesome. So, we went to see Harry at the Alamo Drafthouse, which is the greatest movie theater on the planet! We got there when the doors were supposed to open, yet the theater was already full...wierd huh? lol So we were pretty close up front, but it was fine. Before the movie they showed random clips, including a bizarre interprative dance film, he-man, super chicken, fantasia, and then bizarre low budget witch films. Interspersed was Harry Potter trivia, both on screen and as a contest. The approx 10 year old girl just kicked everyone's ass, she knew stuff that no one should know lol

As always we ordered chips and queso, because it's damn good. We also ordered a non-alcoholic butterbeer, because quite simply, it's a must try. Apparently everyone agreed because they got very backed up. But when you have 6 theaters showing Harry Potter, that's a lot of butterbeers to make! By the way, it's pretty good. It's a spiced sweet drink, and the only thing that threw me off was the carbination. Carrie liked it quite a lot also.

The movie...just awesome. The dragons were great, and the elements at school we really nice. Snape smacked the kids up a bit, which was hilarious, and the growing tension between hermione and ron worked well. Oh, and before I forget, the quidditch world cup...I couldn't stop smiling. I mean, ear to ear grin! It's as if you're there, even though it's just a movie. So amazing! And so much of it was as I imagined, or pretty close. They did a great job. I even shed a tear in the end when Harry is crying over Cedric's body. He's really growing as an actor, which is good.

Now if only I had the money to buy tshirts! Lol, they have the coolest glow-in-the-dark dark mark tshirt, and it's badass. They also have one that just says "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good" and "Republicans for Voldemort" hahaha! Though I probably would get the cute red shirt with a simple drawing of harry.

So yeah, obviously, this is an awesome movie. And yes, it's very dark. But it's necessary, and really sets the tone. The lighthearted moments definately balance it out though. If there's any doubt in your mind about seeing this movie, it should be gone. Go see the movie! You won't regret it (but realize it's 2hrs 37 minutes so be prepared) :-)

Happy Birthday to me!

I was totally suprised to come home today to my birthday package that UPS said was still in Louisville! I got the Advance Wars DS game I asked for, and my mom found the perfect shirt. It's got a wisconsin license plate that says gr8 st8 on it, with a map behind it, though that's subtle. So fuck all that texas pride shit, Wisconsin's where it's at! hahahaha They can make me change my license, but I'll never ever claim this state as home.

Also, she included a super cute picture of my nephew in his bee costume. His birthday is Oct 30th, so it makes sense to get pictures in his costume. Here's the picture


Click on it to see it larger obviously :-)

So even though Carrie is passed out on the couch, it's been a good day. I got a few cards, and last night Ash's mom sang happy birthday to me on the phone :-D Plus, talking to Ash is always awesome! So hooray!!!

I better figure out what to eat. Later!

Secret pasts

I've been feeling this sense of displacement lately. It's only way I can describe it. I'm sure plenty of people know what I mean, but I need to talk about it. For me, the Marine Corps was a culmination of a lifelong dream to join the military. It was the first decision I made that I didn't consult with anyone else about. I just knew that's what I needed to do instead of college at the time. And even though it scared my mom, and people didn't understand it, I did it. I did the work to get in shape before boot camp, I busted my ass when I was there, and I made it without being the worst recruit!

There is nothing like the feeling of making it through the crucible, and seeing the Iwo Jima memorial statue. It means you only have a few blocks to go to become a Marine. I started to lose it as soon as I saw it, though I tried not to cry. I wasn't the only one. We formed up on the statue, in rows according to our crucible teams. I was towards the back, since I was one of the shorter ones. By the time SSgt Whitebull came to me, the irony was not lost. She said I was always her strong one, as I'm just crying like a baby. By the way, it's hard to cry with bearing lol. But that moment meant the world to me. It was the release of 3 months of stress, loneliness, and hard work. And I did it. I said I was going to do this, and I did! And SSgt was proud of me, which you crave to hear. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. After everyone received their eagle, globe and anchor we sang the Marine Corps Hymn with more gusto than ever before. When the last line comes around "You will know the streets are guided by United States Marines" we were all shouting. The most amazing release.

From there it's downhill. You just can't create that experience again. I enjoyed school, met some great people, including my most confusing relationship. I graduated number 2 for A school and number 1 at C school. And then, I made the fateful decision to request a west coast assignment. This was the decision that took me out of the Marine Corps in the end. It also woke me up to the reality of what Don't Ask Don't Tell created, an atmosphere of distrust and isolation. But that's detailed a few days ago.

So now, I've been out of the Corps for 5 1/2 years now. In grad school people don't question why I'm older, nor do I look 27. People only know that I was a Marine if I mention the military. And even then, they can't understand the importance of that title and experience to me. No one can understand the feeling I get inside when I think about it, except someone who's been there. I mean, for three months it's all you think about, and after it's still your whole life. And you're a part of something, something with history and tradition, and that means something. Nothing compares to that feeling. Even though it sucked, I knew that I was a good Marine. Even if those around me didn't, I lived the core values of Honor, Courage and Commitment. I still have my card they gave us in boot camp to remind us. Even saying this now I'm sure most can't understand the depth to which this affects me. At my core I am a Marine.

But no one knows. And that is a wierd feeling. I cherish my Marine buddies because those few people also know and understand. They lived it too. They don't look at me like I shouldn't be proud of being a Marine, and I don't have to explain what happened. I'm just me. And they understand that it never leaves you. That is why they say "Once a Marine, always a Marine". That core element will always be with you. It makes you try harder, hold yourself to a higher standard, because that's what a Marine does.

I guess I just really needed to say this. It's been coming up a lot recently, and like all synchronicities needs to be addressed. Thanks for listening to my rant. :-)

Semper Fi

Synchronicity

It's absolutely fascinating to hear when someone else has a whole string of synchronicities. Tonight Ash told me about the most amazing messages she received this past weekend in Seattle. I can't wait to see what it all means. But, I'd be willing to bet there will be some amazing songs that come from it.

Even without this, I just know that Ash is going to explode onto the scene soon. When is soon? lol, who knows. Relative to a lifetime, it will be soon. hahaha And when it does, everyone will know the brilliance that is my best friend Ash. :-)

Photobucket

For those who are interested, I got a scanner today, for free, thanks to freecycle. I've spent a lot of time scanning in pictures, and have thus opened a photobucket account. It's public, so feel free to head over there and take a look. I'll keep adding as time goes by. :-)

Memory

Memory is a funny thing. As time goes on we tend to forget all of the bad things that occured in a situation and are left with the good. Which is why we always want to return to the 'good ol days', we've forgotten they weren't really good!

The reason I bring this up is because of the Marine Corps Birthday, which makes me feel that pride of being a Marine, even if it's tainted by situations. For instance, I'm not really retired, though I was discharged honorably. Last night I decided to call myself Lcpl Meyer, USMC queerly retired. It amuses me, and it's accurate lol So that's one thing that taints the whole Marines thing. But I so easily forget the reasons why I left when I did. Thankfully, I saved the letter that I wrote (with the help of sldn) to my CO to begin the discharge process under Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I'll include it here, because I think it puts things into perspective.

And before anyone thinks it's an easy thing to do, decide to come out and get discharged, it's really not. I was scared to death, paranoid of getting caught before doing this on my own, and needed constant encouragement from myself to maintain the courage. It sounds silly, but the Garth Brooks song 'Do what you gotta do' was played every single morning on the way to work to get me in the right mindset. And, before this happened I tried to get a transfer to another area, at least temporarily via the chaplain. But I wasn't able to voice my concerns and explain why, so it didn't happen. I really wanted to stay in the Marines, but knew I had to leave. It's a crappy place to be in. But it's where I ended up. People can agree or disagree, but they can't take my title away from me. I earned it, blood, sweat and tears, and am damn proud of it.

----------------
29 March 2000

LtCol. Shaw
MWSS-374
29 Palms, CA 92278

Dear LtCol. Shaw:

1. I am writing this letter to you because I have finally reached my breaking point. I have been under a lot of pressure for the past year and a half trying to keep my sexual orientation a secret. I can no longer live a lie. I must tell you that I am a lesbian. I don't look straight, I don't act straight, and I am concerned that it would only be a matter of time before I am investigated for being who I am.

2. About two months ago I went to speak to the chaplain for an hour because I was so upset by the anti-gay climate I am forced to work in. The people I work with are very homophobic. I hear the word “fag,” “buttpacker,” “buttplate,” and other degrading anti-gay comments constantly throughout the day. I also am forced to stay silent while my coworkers talk about how they hate gays and that if their kids end up gay they'll disown them and kick them out. I know I can't speak up because if I spoke up and told my coworkers how wrong they were, the rumors about me would get a millions times worse. But it's very hard to listen to those comments and not let it affect me. I've tried. Every day I try. It's not fair that because of the Marine Corps’ “Homosexual Conduct Policy” I have waived all of my first amendment rights while my co-workers can speak so hatefully.

3. Most people I work with assume I'm a lesbian. When I was at medical one of the doctors asked me why I had such short hair. I told him I like it that way. He then told me that a lot of people talk about me and about my sexual orientation. He said that most people think that I'm gay.

4. I don't associate much with the other people in my squadron so they end up making things up about me. I have one close friend who has told me that people ask him all the time if I'm straight or gay. He doesn't answer their questions, but it is clear that everyone I work with speculates about my sexual orientation.

5. Recently, there was an incident where I was walking to my car and I heard someone say, "get a haircut marine." I assumed that they were talking to me because I then heard them call me “he/she” as I opened my trunk. Following that comment someone said “ma’am” in my direction. But by the time I got back to the barracks I couldn't tell who made those comments. These comments, and others like them, make me distrustful of most of the Marines in my barracks.

6. It became clear to me that I needed to tell you that I am a lesbian when Capt. Campbell gave us our training on the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. The first statement Capt. Campbell made after reading the policy to us was that homosexuality is incompatible with Marine Corps’ core values. If that is the way the Marine Corps feels, I can't survive under this policy. Particularly when after the training there were a lot of anti-gay jokes by the guys.

7. There were also anti-gay jokes and teasing about the Department of the Army Inspector General’s harassment survey. The day before the survey we were to send a person on a working party to set up the room where it was going to be held. People made jokes about needing to put up pink streamers or something since we didn't know what the set up was supposed to be. When the time came to send someone, I was chosen to go since I wasn't busy. I actually made a joke about having to go put up streamers. I felt bad since I was playing along with their game but I didn't feel like I could control it. Most of the time I feel like if I don’t play along with the jokes and comments, I will become even more of a target then I already am.

8. I am forced to remain silent while all of the comments and jokes I hear at work contribute to the overall difficulty I have living a lie. I try my best to be brave and live my life as I am. It's hard, too hard. I will no longer deny to anyone that I am a lesbian and that I want to have honest relationships with women without having to hide or live in fear.

9. Although my coworkers are already discussing my perceived sexual orientation, I request that you keep this information as confidential as possible. I am very concerned about what might happen to me if their suspicions are confirmed. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Jackie L Meyer

bizarrre mix of dreamspace

Wow, the mix of dreams last night/this morning. All I'm remembering are little bits and pieces of each. There was a whole section involving the main female character spencer from south of nowhere (on noggin) I think...And all I want to say right now is there was a lot of sex...but, not with me lol, it was just wierd. There was a section involving the apartment complex, but it was too wierd to really remember. That was probably due to the people taking out a freakin window directly below the one where I was sleeping. Nice...

The parts I remember clearly I'll try to describe. I hopped in the car with what seemed like my parents, and my brother, and the south of nowhere chick. I asked in some way if I could come in, and got in the passenger side (back) sitting next to spencer. By the way, we are all by Grace Lutheran church in sugar bush (my childhood church). So we get onto the road that goes between 45 and D or whatever that road is on the other side of sugar bush. Anyway...spencer tries to hold my hand, but it's really bright and I feel self conscious, so I work my arm under hers and then hold her hand, and we both sort of settle and lean on each other for a nap. Then the car pulls over, following a line of other cars already pulled over. This is where the dream gets symbolic perhaps, so it gets a new paragraph :-)

I look out the window to the right, and first I see a small dog/wolf. I say that because I haven't seen many wolves in my time, but it didn't look like it was actully a dog, and definately wasn't a coyote, which I've seen many of. Then, it's like there's a split in the earth. Like if you were looking at the scene, and you cut horizontally across the view, then just sort of shift it up, leaving just a dark spot. It was also kinda like looking at a small bridge that was black underneath. Anyway, under that came a much larger wolf. I mean the difference between a smaller medium sized dog and a very large rottie. And then a few more wolves came out, not a whole lot, but more than 3 total lol. There was also a woman, standing and watching from her yard. By the way, only the big one came from the wierd dark place. None of them were scary, just random.

So that's all I really remember. Very wierd. And what's with dreaming of 16 year old girls? eeek! haha, subconsciously fighting a birthday perhaps? Accept the age jaxson! hahaha

but now I need to get clothes and to school. Going to be late!

Earth meditation

Tonight begins 11/11, a powerful date due to it's numerological significance. I won't pretend to be able to explain it or really understand it. All I'm focusing on is the shifting of the earths energy. What it means is those who are aware are feeling a pull inward, to do the work necessary to align with the new energy. Blah blah blah lol anyway...

I just spent 25 minutes outside sitting against a tree next to our little creek. I brought a sage smudge stick with me, and smudged the apartment before going outside. It just felt like the right thing to do.

Once again, as like the other times I sat on the ground to meditate I felt like my whole body was vibrating with the earth. I literally felt like I was part of the earth, rather than a human sitting on dirt and grass against a tree. It was like I was a tree or grass, because I felt the energy was the same. It's a great feeling.

In that state I could hear the creek, which is very low so very quiet. It makes a sort of tinkling sound through the rocks. The leaves, as light as they are, still make noise as they hit branches and the ground. And when a nut falls, even louder. But nothing compares to human sounds. None of the previous sounds interrupted my state, but a car, walking, those almost hurt with the shock. I'm not sure why that is. Is it just volume, or the source itself? Probably the volume.

During a time when I was remotely focused I set my intention for the next day. I asked chukma and any other spirit guides to help me align to the new energy. I asked that I be helped so I can bring love, not hate. remove fear rather than add to it. bring truth rather than illusion. let me be the person I want to be, that I need to be. Let me overcome the stuff that drags me down. This is my focus. This is my goal. This is my destination. When I get there is up to me, somehow.

Happy Birthday Marines!

To all Marines former and present, happy birthday! I can't believe the date slipped my mind until now. Just too much stuff going on regarding November 11th, just overshadowed the 10th. To those who are confused, the officially recognized birthdate of the Marine Corps is 10 November 1775. So today is a time for dress blues and balls, cake and dancing. And more than a little drinking I'm sure lol

My only ball was during A school in Pensacola. It's such a wierd atmosphere because people are dressed up, and it's formal, but still a party. And for so many, their first real formal occasion. And seeing 1st Sgt dance is always a bit unnerving lol

One interesting tradition is the cake ceremony. The first piece of cake goes to the oldest Marine present, and the second to the youngest. I wonder who has to go through the records to figure that out lol.

Anyway...happy birthday Marines. Oorah!

low vs high - venting vs inspiration

I just realized something, and would like to share it. For those who follow the news, you have probably heard that Texas in it's infinite wisdom wanted to reinforce their law that defines marriage as between a man and a woman by amending the state constitution to say the same thing. It passed, easily, except in Travis County, which is where Austin is, and where I live. A funny little island of sanity amongst the sea of insanity. Last night, and still today I was quite angry for many reasons. You can read my blog entry regarding it to see why. (though it's not for those who dislike the word fuck)

As mentioned, I used my blog as a way to begin to vent and put words to what I was feeling. I find that helps clarify a situation for me, to just write out what I'm thinking as a train of thought thing. However, it did not release the anger for me, just put more words to it. So this morning when I awoke I was still angry under the surface.

Then, on the way to school, I was thinking about a conversation my brother and I had a week or so ago. We've both been marginalized by society in different ways, and he was talking about making a shirt that said villian and offender. I thought it more interesting to make a shirt that said scapegoat. Well, on the way to class today I thought about it more. While my students finished up lab I got out my colored pencils and started drawing. I realized I could write out the word so it formed a cross (scape down, goats across) and the letters would be the colors of the rainbow. I have a picture if anyone wants to see. So the front is scapegoats in the form of a cross, and then the back just says "Taking the world's shit since the dawn of Christianity". Now, before the christians get upset, this is a statement on the history of the church, and that it's religious arguments being used against the idea of gay marriage. I'm not saying all christians are doing this, I know they aren't. Which is why I'm not mentioned christians, but christianity. It's all in the history.

Anyway, after coming up with that design I felt instantly better. And I mean completely better, in a very different way then I ever felt after a rant. And I believe I know why, at least for me. Maybe this will help you guys with things too.

When I vented, I was coming from a very low place, a place of anger, hurt, fear. It was lashing out, and definately not the place of my highest being. But, with this shirt the intention is not to hurt others, but to point out a truth. There is always a marginalized group that is the scapegoat for people. Christianity had many scapegoats: pagans, women, homosexuals - all demonized by the early church (again, it's in the history). And, you can generalize this concept more, just saying scapegoats - taking the world's shit since the dawn of time. Same concept, just pointing out a truth to people. And this is coming from a higher place, from my higher being. Not my highest, but definately higher. Thus, not acting from a place of anger, but truth (at least as I see it).
Wow, that was long :-) Do you guys see the point I'm making? This is honestly the first time I've released something so effectively I think. I don't know how this is applied to every situation, and I didn't do it consciously. The shirt idea came in a flash of inspiration. I just went with it.

I just wanted to share that with you all.

But

I thank all of you who tried, even though you're straight. We will keep moving, we will fight, and we will win in time. It is inevitable, and these people will all look like the fools they are when we look back on this. I hope they enjoy being the prohibitionists of the 21st century. Idiots.

I'm going to vent

For all of you who don't give a damn enough to stop people from writing hate into the consitution - a big fuck you. Fuck you and your selfishness, for not giving a damn about the families that are being attacked for no reason. Forget the fact that the lame laws in texas and most places in this backwards country already define marriage as between a man and a woman. Let's just go one step farther and make to constitution about denying rights to people. So fuck you. Fuck you all who lie to yourself to think this has anything to do with anything besides vindictiveness. I'm damn fucking proud to not be from Texas. So fuck you, I'm from Wisconsin, where we have the idiots, but we balance them out with people who give a damn. We give partners the right to see their loved ones in the hospital. Basic fucking rights. Fuck Texas. Fuck you and your god damned self righteousness. I can't wait till this all backfires on your blind asses.

I also can't wait to see what happens when people push the issue that you just nullified common law marriage - that's right, what happens when 2 straight people live together for more than 7 years. OH, but I guess they should just get married right? Just force them into it, I mean, it's your right to tell everyone what to do anyway right? And just since I haven't said it in 3 sentences...fuck you.

I know that I shouldn't feel this, but I feel like I need to get a little angry about it for a little while. Obviously I was a stupid niave person to think that maybe we had moved far enough forward that stupid hicks wouldn't win this battle, but I was wrong. God forbid I have more faith in humanity than I should. I'm so glad that we are the most backward fucking advanced country in the world. And I really can't fucking wait until I'm done with grad school. NOTHING will keep me in this state. And I'm not sure if anything will keep me in this country. I think a few years in Vancouver could do us both some good.

FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

Pow wow

Tonight I went to the Austin Powwow for only a little while. I wanted to go earlier, but got caught up doing chores. There were a ton of art vendors, but I really didn't have the money to spend on anything. I should have just got straight into the burger center so I could see more dances though. I caught 4 competitive dances, which were interesting. Everyone has different costumes, and their own individual take on the same dance. I really enjoyed the fancy shawl dance, which is uptempo and has a lot of spinning :-)

But even more than the dancers I like the drummers. They control the energy, which is fascinating to me. As I sat there I just let myself be, which meant interesting energy fluctuations on my part. At one point I was literally becoming teary eyed, though not from sadness or anything, just a flood of feeling. I wish I knew why I reacted that way, because it happens at really odd times. In general I felt like this place was just really positive, and it felt really good. So outside of driving, life has been really nice today.

I forgot to mention before, during the entire time I was picking up trash I was just enjoying it. I didn't get frustrated or mad at anyone for throwing things out. I went in there wanting to come from a loving place so I was really giving back to the earth and water. It's been a good day, even if I'm already tired and couldn't get enough of a nap in earlier. :-)

garbage stinks

I'm stinky, sweaty, and wet. But, Waller Creek is a heck of a lot cleaner than 3 2 hours ago! We only worked a small section, from the cooling building on san jac to dean keaton, which is only 2 blocks or less. In just the first half we took out a full large bag of garbage between myself and another guy down in the creek. Total we filled 4 or 5 bags. Mostly it's plastic bags, cans, cups, random articles of clothing (like socks), but also 2 sardines tins, which annoyed me. I mean, aren't sardines gross enough without then littering?!

I'm glad I wore cammies and my safety boots because I got dirty, digging around brush and very wet walking in the stream. But I didn't want to leave a big grocery bag there just because it was under a foot and a half of water. Ooh, I also made friends with a big 6 foot stick that was very functional, and also pretty. All the bark was stripped off. I wonder where it came from, because it didn't look like the branches nearby. Anyway.

I feel really good for doing this. For one, I was out in the fresh air for a while, and up quite early. And I did something tangible for the environment. Plus, I cleaned up the creek that I pass on the way to school every day. The poem I wrote about winter in texas (months ago) is about that creek. So I'm glad I could give a little back to the stream that gave me so much joy and inspiration. I'm definately going to do it next april. :-)

last night's meditation

I ended up meditating for about 13 minutes based on the clock. I tried to move as much of the energy I was feeling in my gut to my chest, though I doubt I got it all because I kept feeling it in my gut too. However, it did seem to help. Once I released a bunch of junk I just laid there, in a meditative state. I again because to here voices, first just vaguely, like wispering in the distance. Eventually one would start to come through more strongly. This time the only clear voice was a man's, and he appeared upset. I spent little time in this place though, because a noise shook me out of it. It was as if I heard a whooshing sound, but it wasn't from my room. It was loud and scared me, though probably because it was so different. I was able to calm down after a bit of breathing and return to that place, where I was again distracted by a non-talking sound. However it didn't scare me as much, which is good. At that point I decided it would be a good time to go to sleep, so I did.

It appears my theory of the voices is correct, because I'm hearing them more and more, as I continue on the integration of what I know to be true. This is my litmus test for right now it seems, though I'm still never actively searching for voices. it just happens, which is probably the only way it would happen right now anyway. figures lol

I better get to school. Don't want to be late! And I am feeling better about last night, a bit. I've decided to go back to the spoonbender's course, which is meant to do just what I want to do, and integrate these truths. I didn't really stick with it before, because it takes a lot of work that I don't have a lot of time for, but I think it's time to return and try again. If anyone is curious, it's a course at Emissary of Light which is James Twyman's website. Enjoy!

I feel betrayal...

in my gut. Literally, it's right above my belly button. I can feel it there, just waiting for me to do something with it. In the book is an exercise where you first locate the feling, then release all of the emotional signature, so you just feel the energy itself, without judgement. then, move it to the heart, allow it to be transformed. Visualize a door in the chest and let it out, as a bright light. I'm going to go do that. I think I have to try. Because it still sounds like somethign that makes sense, and that I've heard slightly different in other places. Besides, no one wants to go to bed like this. So I'm going to go meditate, and try to get to a peaceful place before sleeping.

blurring the lines of fiction and non

I read, a lot. And most books are fiction, which is fine. I learn all sorts of neat lessons, but to me it's not the same as non-fiction. What I learn in non-fiction seems to be more real, at least for me. While I know that truth can be found in many ways, and that fiction can tell truth just like non-fiction, I really hate when people blur that line. I was prepared to write about the latest book I read, which was just amazing. Then, I read a review that said parts of it were embellished or completely made up, which made me mad. I'm now sitting here feeling betrayed, because I took it as non-fiction, and then told others about it as such. I just feel foolish for believing it.

I know that fiction or not, the lesson is still important. But things I liked about this book were that is included some concrete examples and exercises to do. And now I'm left doubting everything, because I don't know what to try. I don't know what to believe, and I hate feeling like I've been lied to. At least in his other book it was made clear that parts were embelished for the story. There was no warning with this. Some will say I was foolish for believing...thank god I didn't start talking about this to people who would think that. It just makes it harder then. I hate feeling like I'm naive. I've always been trusting, and still am. And when people betray that trust, I just feel stupid.

I'm sure once I let this go I'll still be passing it along to others. But man...why do people keep doing this? Just tell the story, as it happened for once. Please. Or state explicitly that parts have been modified. For those of us who are trusting, if nothing else.

The book, by the way, is Emissary of Light by James Twyman. It's worth the read really. I just feel stupid right now. But up until 5 minutes ago, the book was just what I needed to hear.

My midterm

By the way, I got a 20 out of 30 on my midterm, which is exactly the average. In grad school, if you get the average for the course, that's a B+, which is the average you need to carry to qualify. Thus, B+ is good. I was worried a bit, so very happy I got that score. There once was a time when B's were disappointing...oh how things change! It's definately a good lesson in understanding and humility.

damn quizes

Gee, thanks lionmom for a distracting survey! lol

And in case you didn't know, I'm from Wisconsin. Funny how it came up so often? :-)
I bet if I changed the house option I would get different results, but amusing enough as it is.

My results:
Williamstown, Massachusetts Old New England At Its Best
This town's Clark Art Institute features one of the largest collections of Renoir and other Impressionist artists in the world...
Population: 8,400 | Average Home Price: $227,000 | Precipitation: 45" | Snow: 64"

Northampton, Massachusetts Arts Town Extraordinaire
This small town at the foot of the Berkshires has been recognized for its cultural offerings, many of which are supported by the area's five colleges…

Population: 29,000 | Average Home Price: $227,000 | Precipitation: 41" | Snow: 48"

Johnson, Vermont The Heart of the Green Mountains
The Lamoille and Gihon rivers, crossed by antique covered bridges, meet in this Vermont mountain town…

Population: 3,300 | Average Home Price: $140,000 | Precipitation: 40" | Snow: 60"

Middlebury, Vermont Progressive College Town
This recreationally lucky spot is located in Vermont's Champlain Valley, between the Green Mountains and Lake Champlain…

Population: 6,250 | Average Home Price: $179,000 | Precipitation: 40" | Snow: 60"

Eagle River, Wisconsin Snowmobile Capital of the World
This Wisconsin spot is the home of Carl's Wood Art Museum and its Translucent Wood Room, showing 120 backlit wood veneers…

Population: 1,440 | Average Home Price: $221,000 | Precipitation: 31" | Snow: 38"

Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin Black Hawk Country
Eleven ancient burial mounds in various animal and reptile shapes can be found in this Wisconsin town…

Population: 11,600 | Average Home Price: $160,000 | Precipitation: 33" | Snow: 37"

Williamstown, Massachusetts Old New England At Its Best
This town's Clark Art Institute features one of the largest collections of Renoir and other Impressionist artists in the world...

Population: 8,400 | Average Home Price: $227,000 | Precipitation: 45" | Snow: 64"

Northampton, Massachusetts Arts Town Extraordinaire
This small town at the foot of the Berkshires has been recognized for its cultural offerings, many of which are supported by the area's five colleges…

Population: 29,000 | Average Home Price: $227,000 | Precipitation: 41" | Snow: 48"


Johnson, Vermont The Heart of the Green Mountains
The Lamoille and Gihon rivers, crossed by antique covered bridges, meet in this Vermont mountain town…

Population: 3,300 | Average Home Price: $140,000 | Precipitation: 40" | Snow: 60"

Middlebury, Vermont Progressive College Town
This recreationally lucky spot is located in Vermont's Champlain Valley, between the Green Mountains and Lake Champlain…

Population: 6,250 | Average Home Price: $179,000 | Precipitation: 40" | Snow: 60"

Eagle River, Wisconsin Snowmobile Capital of the World
This Wisconsin spot is the home of Carl's Wood Art Museum and its Translucent Wood Room, showing 120 backlit wood veneers…

Population: 1,440 | Average Home Price: $221,000 | Precipitation: 31" | Snow: 38"

Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin Black Hawk Country
Eleven ancient burial mounds in various animal and reptile shapes can be found in this Wisconsin town…

Population: 11,600 | Average Home Price: $160,000 | Precipitation: 33" | Snow: 37"

Woodstock, Vermont Prettiest Small Town in America
Wrought iron lamp posts can be found on cobblestone streets in this quintessential New England village resort…

Population: 3,200 | Average Home Price: $232,000 | Precipitation: 34" | Snow: 60"

Ashland, Oregon Gateway to the Pacific Northwest
This gorgeous spot boasts the West's only operating water-powered grist mill, located on the banks of Little Butte Creek since 1872…

Population: 19,000 | Average Home Price: $388,000 | Precipitation: 19" | Snow: 8"

Milwaukie, Oregon City of Dogwoods
This "City of Dogwoods" is home to an extravagant Bing Cherry festival each year, complete with pie-eating and cherry-pit-spitting contests…

Population: 20,600 | Average Home Price: $199,000 | Precipitation: 37" | Snow: 7"

Gardnerville-Minden, Nevada Nevada’s Garden Spot
These twin towns in western Nevada rest in a green valley below the Sierra Nevada and Pinenut Mountains…

Population: 6,000 | Average Home Price: $237,000 | Precipitation: 9" | Snow: 19"

Kankakee, Illinois The Midwest’s Rising Star
With a 4000 acre state park and a the beautiful Kankakee River running through town, residents of this spot have plenty of opportunity for fun…

Population: 27,500 | Average Home Price: $105,000 | Precipitation: 34" | Snow: 24"

Elkhorn, Wisconsin The Christmas Card City
This Wisconsin town hosts the Walworth County Fair, voted one of the top 25 county fairs in the country...

Population: 7,300 | Average Home Price: $166,000 | Precipitation: 30" | Snow: 39"

Taos, New Mexico Soul of the Southwest
Padre Antonio Jose Martinez started the first newspaper west of the Mississippi in this town, an offshoot of which is still in existence today…

Population: 4,700 | Average Home Price: $250,000 | Precipitation: 13" | Snow: 40"

LaPointe, Wisconsin A Great Island Escape
This spot lies on Lake Superior's Madeline Island, the only one of Wisconsin's Apostle Islands with a year-round population…

Population: 250 | Average Home Price: $400,000 | Precipitation: 33" | Snow: 60"

Amador County, California California’s Gold Country
You can still pan for gold in this scenic spot, the starting point of the California Gold Rush…

Population: 37,300 | Average Home Price: $313,000 | Precipitation: 30" | Snow: 14"

Dunsmuir, California Secluded Mountain Paradise
This small, old-fashioned town in northern California doesn't have a single stop light…

Population: 1,900 | Average Home Price: $160,000 | Precipitation: 37" | Snow: 80"

Berkeley Springs, West Virginia The Country’s First Spa
George Washington soaked in the hot springs that gave rise to the country's first spa here in this West Virginia town...

Population: 663 | Average Home Price: $165,000 | Precipitation: 37" | Snow: 30"

Joseph, Oregon The City of Bronze
Each week during the summer, this northeast Oregon town puts on a reenactment of the town bank's dramatic robbery in 1896...

Population: 1,055 | Average Home Price: $150,000 | Precipitation: 16" | Snow: 53"