Memory

Memory is a funny thing. As time goes on we tend to forget all of the bad things that occured in a situation and are left with the good. Which is why we always want to return to the 'good ol days', we've forgotten they weren't really good!

The reason I bring this up is because of the Marine Corps Birthday, which makes me feel that pride of being a Marine, even if it's tainted by situations. For instance, I'm not really retired, though I was discharged honorably. Last night I decided to call myself Lcpl Meyer, USMC queerly retired. It amuses me, and it's accurate lol So that's one thing that taints the whole Marines thing. But I so easily forget the reasons why I left when I did. Thankfully, I saved the letter that I wrote (with the help of sldn) to my CO to begin the discharge process under Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I'll include it here, because I think it puts things into perspective.

And before anyone thinks it's an easy thing to do, decide to come out and get discharged, it's really not. I was scared to death, paranoid of getting caught before doing this on my own, and needed constant encouragement from myself to maintain the courage. It sounds silly, but the Garth Brooks song 'Do what you gotta do' was played every single morning on the way to work to get me in the right mindset. And, before this happened I tried to get a transfer to another area, at least temporarily via the chaplain. But I wasn't able to voice my concerns and explain why, so it didn't happen. I really wanted to stay in the Marines, but knew I had to leave. It's a crappy place to be in. But it's where I ended up. People can agree or disagree, but they can't take my title away from me. I earned it, blood, sweat and tears, and am damn proud of it.

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29 March 2000

LtCol. Shaw
MWSS-374
29 Palms, CA 92278

Dear LtCol. Shaw:

1. I am writing this letter to you because I have finally reached my breaking point. I have been under a lot of pressure for the past year and a half trying to keep my sexual orientation a secret. I can no longer live a lie. I must tell you that I am a lesbian. I don't look straight, I don't act straight, and I am concerned that it would only be a matter of time before I am investigated for being who I am.

2. About two months ago I went to speak to the chaplain for an hour because I was so upset by the anti-gay climate I am forced to work in. The people I work with are very homophobic. I hear the word “fag,” “buttpacker,” “buttplate,” and other degrading anti-gay comments constantly throughout the day. I also am forced to stay silent while my coworkers talk about how they hate gays and that if their kids end up gay they'll disown them and kick them out. I know I can't speak up because if I spoke up and told my coworkers how wrong they were, the rumors about me would get a millions times worse. But it's very hard to listen to those comments and not let it affect me. I've tried. Every day I try. It's not fair that because of the Marine Corps’ “Homosexual Conduct Policy” I have waived all of my first amendment rights while my co-workers can speak so hatefully.

3. Most people I work with assume I'm a lesbian. When I was at medical one of the doctors asked me why I had such short hair. I told him I like it that way. He then told me that a lot of people talk about me and about my sexual orientation. He said that most people think that I'm gay.

4. I don't associate much with the other people in my squadron so they end up making things up about me. I have one close friend who has told me that people ask him all the time if I'm straight or gay. He doesn't answer their questions, but it is clear that everyone I work with speculates about my sexual orientation.

5. Recently, there was an incident where I was walking to my car and I heard someone say, "get a haircut marine." I assumed that they were talking to me because I then heard them call me “he/she” as I opened my trunk. Following that comment someone said “ma’am” in my direction. But by the time I got back to the barracks I couldn't tell who made those comments. These comments, and others like them, make me distrustful of most of the Marines in my barracks.

6. It became clear to me that I needed to tell you that I am a lesbian when Capt. Campbell gave us our training on the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. The first statement Capt. Campbell made after reading the policy to us was that homosexuality is incompatible with Marine Corps’ core values. If that is the way the Marine Corps feels, I can't survive under this policy. Particularly when after the training there were a lot of anti-gay jokes by the guys.

7. There were also anti-gay jokes and teasing about the Department of the Army Inspector General’s harassment survey. The day before the survey we were to send a person on a working party to set up the room where it was going to be held. People made jokes about needing to put up pink streamers or something since we didn't know what the set up was supposed to be. When the time came to send someone, I was chosen to go since I wasn't busy. I actually made a joke about having to go put up streamers. I felt bad since I was playing along with their game but I didn't feel like I could control it. Most of the time I feel like if I don’t play along with the jokes and comments, I will become even more of a target then I already am.

8. I am forced to remain silent while all of the comments and jokes I hear at work contribute to the overall difficulty I have living a lie. I try my best to be brave and live my life as I am. It's hard, too hard. I will no longer deny to anyone that I am a lesbian and that I want to have honest relationships with women without having to hide or live in fear.

9. Although my coworkers are already discussing my perceived sexual orientation, I request that you keep this information as confidential as possible. I am very concerned about what might happen to me if their suspicions are confirmed. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Jackie L Meyer