Secret pasts
I've been feeling this sense of displacement lately. It's only way I can describe it. I'm sure plenty of people know what I mean, but I need to talk about it. For me, the Marine Corps was a culmination of a lifelong dream to join the military. It was the first decision I made that I didn't consult with anyone else about. I just knew that's what I needed to do instead of college at the time. And even though it scared my mom, and people didn't understand it, I did it. I did the work to get in shape before boot camp, I busted my ass when I was there, and I made it without being the worst recruit!
There is nothing like the feeling of making it through the crucible, and seeing the Iwo Jima memorial statue. It means you only have a few blocks to go to become a Marine. I started to lose it as soon as I saw it, though I tried not to cry. I wasn't the only one. We formed up on the statue, in rows according to our crucible teams. I was towards the back, since I was one of the shorter ones. By the time SSgt Whitebull came to me, the irony was not lost. She said I was always her strong one, as I'm just crying like a baby. By the way, it's hard to cry with bearing lol. But that moment meant the world to me. It was the release of 3 months of stress, loneliness, and hard work. And I did it. I said I was going to do this, and I did! And SSgt was proud of me, which you crave to hear. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. After everyone received their eagle, globe and anchor we sang the Marine Corps Hymn with more gusto than ever before. When the last line comes around "You will know the streets are guided by United States Marines" we were all shouting. The most amazing release.
From there it's downhill. You just can't create that experience again. I enjoyed school, met some great people, including my most confusing relationship. I graduated number 2 for A school and number 1 at C school. And then, I made the fateful decision to request a west coast assignment. This was the decision that took me out of the Marine Corps in the end. It also woke me up to the reality of what Don't Ask Don't Tell created, an atmosphere of distrust and isolation. But that's detailed a few days ago.
So now, I've been out of the Corps for 5 1/2 years now. In grad school people don't question why I'm older, nor do I look 27. People only know that I was a Marine if I mention the military. And even then, they can't understand the importance of that title and experience to me. No one can understand the feeling I get inside when I think about it, except someone who's been there. I mean, for three months it's all you think about, and after it's still your whole life. And you're a part of something, something with history and tradition, and that means something. Nothing compares to that feeling. Even though it sucked, I knew that I was a good Marine. Even if those around me didn't, I lived the core values of Honor, Courage and Commitment. I still have my card they gave us in boot camp to remind us. Even saying this now I'm sure most can't understand the depth to which this affects me. At my core I am a Marine.
But no one knows. And that is a wierd feeling. I cherish my Marine buddies because those few people also know and understand. They lived it too. They don't look at me like I shouldn't be proud of being a Marine, and I don't have to explain what happened. I'm just me. And they understand that it never leaves you. That is why they say "Once a Marine, always a Marine". That core element will always be with you. It makes you try harder, hold yourself to a higher standard, because that's what a Marine does.
I guess I just really needed to say this. It's been coming up a lot recently, and like all synchronicities needs to be addressed. Thanks for listening to my rant. :-)
Semper Fi
There is nothing like the feeling of making it through the crucible, and seeing the Iwo Jima memorial statue. It means you only have a few blocks to go to become a Marine. I started to lose it as soon as I saw it, though I tried not to cry. I wasn't the only one. We formed up on the statue, in rows according to our crucible teams. I was towards the back, since I was one of the shorter ones. By the time SSgt Whitebull came to me, the irony was not lost. She said I was always her strong one, as I'm just crying like a baby. By the way, it's hard to cry with bearing lol. But that moment meant the world to me. It was the release of 3 months of stress, loneliness, and hard work. And I did it. I said I was going to do this, and I did! And SSgt was proud of me, which you crave to hear. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. After everyone received their eagle, globe and anchor we sang the Marine Corps Hymn with more gusto than ever before. When the last line comes around "You will know the streets are guided by United States Marines" we were all shouting. The most amazing release.
From there it's downhill. You just can't create that experience again. I enjoyed school, met some great people, including my most confusing relationship. I graduated number 2 for A school and number 1 at C school. And then, I made the fateful decision to request a west coast assignment. This was the decision that took me out of the Marine Corps in the end. It also woke me up to the reality of what Don't Ask Don't Tell created, an atmosphere of distrust and isolation. But that's detailed a few days ago.
So now, I've been out of the Corps for 5 1/2 years now. In grad school people don't question why I'm older, nor do I look 27. People only know that I was a Marine if I mention the military. And even then, they can't understand the importance of that title and experience to me. No one can understand the feeling I get inside when I think about it, except someone who's been there. I mean, for three months it's all you think about, and after it's still your whole life. And you're a part of something, something with history and tradition, and that means something. Nothing compares to that feeling. Even though it sucked, I knew that I was a good Marine. Even if those around me didn't, I lived the core values of Honor, Courage and Commitment. I still have my card they gave us in boot camp to remind us. Even saying this now I'm sure most can't understand the depth to which this affects me. At my core I am a Marine.
But no one knows. And that is a wierd feeling. I cherish my Marine buddies because those few people also know and understand. They lived it too. They don't look at me like I shouldn't be proud of being a Marine, and I don't have to explain what happened. I'm just me. And they understand that it never leaves you. That is why they say "Once a Marine, always a Marine". That core element will always be with you. It makes you try harder, hold yourself to a higher standard, because that's what a Marine does.
I guess I just really needed to say this. It's been coming up a lot recently, and like all synchronicities needs to be addressed. Thanks for listening to my rant. :-)
Semper Fi
posted by Jaxson at 23:13
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