Only in Texas

Why am I wearing shorts on December 31st?! Because Texas doesn't even know how to stay cool in Winter! I don't honestly know how I'm going to survive here for 5 years. I'm a true northerner. I love winter, even though it gets way too cold sometimes, but it's invigorating. I love to see snow, and there's nothing more beautiful than going for a drive after a big snow storm and seeing the sun reflect off the snow. I miss Wisconsin...If only Rochester had a program that I really wanted to go into, but their plasma physics program was mostly laser based, which isn't what I wanted. Oh well.

There are advantages to Texas winters, like the fact that my wife's knee doesn't bother her as much, but it's hard on me psychologically. Now I know I have to go home every winter for a little while in order to keep me happy. Once Carrie gets a job we can start saving and hopefully make early summer trips to Yellowstone which still has snow in June, or to Alaska or some other place suitably north. I'd go back to Antarctica if I wasn't in school, but that requires a few months comittment which I cannot do. Eventually though, because Antarctica is just beautiful.

Enough wishing I was somewhere colder. It doesn't do any good to wish for something that can't happen right now anyway. I'll just embrace the weather as it comes and try to enjoy it all.

Google Adsense

I don't understand this program. It keeps showing the same ads, having to do with something I have no affiliation with, and has only shown one other ad once, and it disappeared shortly after. I actually liked the new ad it put up, it was really useful information, so why can't I keep getting ads that are useful? I wonder if it's working right.

BBQ

And so it begins, the smoking of the pork butts. I didn't even realize I liked BBQ until Carrie made pork butts this fall. It's amazing! So in honor of the new year, we're going to smoke two pork butts, which will then be done tomorrow. On New Years day we'll make black eyed peas and cabbage (for good luck, Carrie's family tradition). A few friends are coming over, and it should be good food and fun for all.

I hope everyone else is having a good New Year's!

destruction

Last night, as I was sitting at the computer I heard a loud bang, then another, followed by the sound of glass breaking. I jumped up and looked out the window just in time to see a teenager running away from a car. I thought for a second to call the cops, but then I remembered that this is Austin and unless someone is dying the cops won't bother with you. So that threw me off for a minute. I also thought to just run outside, but then my fear got a hold of me and thought what would happen if he saw where I came from and wanted to come back and attack us. I'm not afraid of him attacking me physically, because I'm pretty sure I can take him. But I don't want all our stuff destroyed. How superficial is that? I wouldn't care if we had renters insurance, but we don't yet. And without a computer, schoolwork and TA paperwork is a bit harder. All excuses, but in the end, there's no substitute for the illusion of safety, which would be gone. All fears, and all silly, but real. Afterwards we did go outside, but didn't recognize the car and no one around us was home to ask. This morning a tow truck picked the car up, so whoever's car it was must have noticed it. I just wonder if it was a random attack or if this was something personal. Haha, I wonder if they caught it on video since they just put surveillance cameras in. I'll probably never know.

payday mess

How hard is it to pay people on time? Isn't that the whole point of direct deposit, I get paid on the same day every month? Apparently not at the University of Texas whose motto should be "we pay you...occasionally". Every other month I got paid 2 days before the first of the month, which should be today. I looked at my earning statement (which I didn't realize I could do for the next payday until today) and see I'm not set to get paid until Jan 3, which means no money until the first. What?! Direct deposit is not supposed to be affected by holidays, and if anything it should push the date up, not back! What is wrong with this university? They just can't get anything right when it comes to money. So now we have to go to a check cashing place to have money to buy groceries.

I'm not mad...really...

Homeless

Since moving to Austin I've dealt well with the homeless population. Everyone I've talked to is considerate and never pushy when you say you can't spare anything. But I just returned from Thundercloud Subs where a woman walked up to our car as we were leaving and would not leave us alone. This really annoyed me because we are flat broke. I had to take change out of are change jar to have enough money to buy our subs, which was only $6 because we had a coupon. So to have someone ask us, who are totally broke, and then not respect us when we say we are broke just pisses me off. I know I shouldn't be upset about it, she's trying to survive and the $1.75 means more to her than me, but why be so pushy? The reason Austin at large tolerates the homeless population like it does is because they aren't pushy and are usually considerate. When people act like she did, that's when you end up with mad people who try to pass ordinances targeted at the homeless.

In the end, I'll let this go after some time. I don't like feeling like I was taken advantage of, and that's how I feel. It's not the money, it's respect. I respect you, I help you when I can, please respect when I can't help. That's all I ask.

The South-East Asia Earthquake and Tsunami

The South-East Asia Earthquake and Tsunami

This is the most useful site I've seen when it comes to getting aid to the regions affected. I hope no one reading this has to locate loved ones there, but if you do there are many links to help with that. I'm going to use the links for donating as soon as I get paid. It's so true that many organizations receive donations of goods, but it still takes actual money to get the goods to where they are needed.

It's shocking to think how many people died in those few short moments. The numbers continue to climb, 57,000 is the last I heard, but that's just a guess. No one will know for a long time. And how many people will die in the aftermath due to lack of food and safe water? I can't imagine how a person survives through this. There are not enough natural sources of food to feed everyone, and how many people are able to boil their water so it's safe to drink? I can't even begin to understand how this all works. How do you coordinate everything to make sure aid gets to the people quickly. Mind boggling...

Ten Tips for Donating a Computer

Ten Tips for Donating a Computer

This is a great daily action link from care2.com! Eventually I'll transfer everything I want off of my old computer and it'd be great if it went to good use somewhere. At least now I can try to find a refurbisher or recycling center now. I hate throwing things away, especially when then contain things that should be recycled. So everyone should check this link out, it's pretty handy!

The war

SSG Lazzari

This is a website by someone in my cousin's unit. I like it because there are pictures of everyone, including my cousin. It's always a conflict for me when I look at pictures of the war. If things had gone differently, I should have been involved in this war. My original discharge date was supposed to be 8 June 2002. They would have kept me in, and it's quite possible I would have gone. Instead I was discharged for homosexuality and they can't take me back without rewriting laws. My life is definately better for the route it's taken, but it can be hard to think about what I'm missing because of it. Do I want to go to war? No, I really don't want to have to kill people and have them try to kill me. But it's an experience...an experience part of me always wanted. So I follow the war and look at every picture I can, experiencing through those pictures. It's amazing how few of them there are...

adding a counter

I've decided I want to add a counter. My next step is to have links on the side, but I haven't gotten that figured out yet.

Fatum Operandi - Lyceum Dialogue: I will

Lyceum Dialogue

I guess I'll just make a list and say what I want out of each thing.

1. School
In school I'm starting my second semester of graduate school. This semester I plan to do much better than last. I learned that it's impossible to learn without doing homework as a group. You can't just think positively and get very far, you actually have to do a lot of hard work. So this semester I will work with others more. I also need to talk to Dr. Bengtson to get a summer research position so I don't have to find a summer job. It will also give me an idea of what to do my doctoral thesis on. I want to have my doctorate in 5 years, 6 at the most but I keep saying 5 so I don't get lazy. Once I have my doctorate I want to work in industry, but that leads us to the next area.
2. Work
Right now I'm a teaching assistant which allows me to teach undergrads, though I'm learning just as much as they are. Once I have my doctorate I want to work either with a company that makes plasma rockets or get into the fusion power projects. In the end I want to contribute either to our exploration of the solar system or the development of cleaner, more efficient energy. I can make a lot of money doing this, which is good because we've never been anywhere close to financially secure. I want to be secure so I don't have to worry about money and can finally give back to others with more than just my energy but also through money.
3. Family
I'm always working to make my family stronger. My wife and I continue to grow as individuals and as a couple which is so fulfilling! At the same time I try to give my parents and brother guidance in their lives, just enough to help them find their own truths. I've found it's hard to help family because there is always baggage that blocks communication. But I know I've helped them just like they have helped me. In the long term my wife and I would like to have a child. In spite of my wife's bad family medical history, she believes she would have a healthy child (her dreams have told her many many times) and I believe her also. In addition to having a child we will foster children, hopefully to adopt. There are so many kids out there that need good role models, and we want to help. We have no qualms taking older children, adopting kids who are teenagers, because they need families too. Family is very important to us, and we already make decisions for the children we will have even though they are years away! (I mean decisions of how to best provide for them, not deciding who they are or what they will be)
4. Fatum Operandi program
At Fatum Operandi I hope to gain a more focused insight into myself and also into how to train people. I want to raise my children with my beliefs but don't know how to do that, since I came to them as an adult. I'm saving all of the dialogues in a binder so I have a hard copy. In time I will begin to develop my own training program, though that is a long ways down the road.
5. Personal Expectations
Out of myself I expect to continue moving in the right direction for me. I don't like being a negative hurtful person. I really want to be one of those wise old loving people that people love and respect. I want to be at peace. Therefore I work at these courses, and I do my qigong (though sporadically) and learn all I can to find my truth. Now I just try to live it as honestly as possible. My immediate goals are to be more honest with people and to be more realistic and responsible with money. We've been lucky so far, but I don't like the stressful feeling that comes with too little money. We theoretically have enough, it's just a matter of managing it better.

And finally, I will simply try to be, more.

SS102: Dialogue: Distorted Perception and Objectivity

SS102: Dialogue: Distorted Perception and Objectivity

It's interesting to look at this after being on my path for a few years. I used to be the judgemental one, quick to point out other people's flaws but hating anyone to see my own. This brought about hatred as a teenager because I seemed perfect. I knew I wasn't, and was frustrated that people thought that, but I couldn't see how I brought that on myself. Another example is my wife's old friends who thought I was trying to be better than them because I didn't talk a lot and didn't do the things they did. I know now I am not better than anyone, and do my best not to make it seem like I feel that way, but back then I don't think I was aware of how I made people feel. So I definately was the type of person who was judgemental.

I'm not so judgemental anymore because it's pointless. However, I hold high standards for people. I used to work at Burger King with a lot of teenagers. They would do so many stupid things, and I would talk to them about life and how they could lead it smarter. At times I would frustrate them because I would work with them to try to think more of themselves and reach for more than their friends and town was showing them. But I truly believe that people can live their lives better and will support anyone who simply tries. I know we fail at this, but it's the act of trying that I value. I hold my high standards but do not criticize for failure. I think this is the only way I can live. Doing anything less than what is in your highest good is going to damage in some way, therefore I try to elevate people towards their highest good.

The hardest lesson I've been learning is how to admit to my own faults. I use stories from my past whenever I can to get a point across. I remind people I work with that I screw up too. I don't like people thinking I'm more than I am, because then it is a lie. It's hard to admit mistakes and faults, and I have a long way to go (for instance simply saying I was wrong is difficult) The great thing about this path is that I will keep trying and in the end I'll be the type of person I want to be. In the meantime I work at forgiving myself for mistakes and shortcomings and continue striving for my ultimate goal as an enlightened human being.

Fatum Operandi - SS102: Dialogue: Perceptional Reality

SS102: Dialogue: Perceptional Reality

I'm going to do my best to make my ideas as clear as possible, though this topic does not lend itself to clarity! I have two main areas I want to discuss:
1. Your perception determines your reality
2. Time does not exist

My mentor told me the above idea many years ago and I've been working at understanding it ever since. The way I understand it at this point in my life is that thought manifests. Thoughts are energy, and energy in sufficient quantities makes matter. Therefore if you put enough thought energy into something it will manifest, unless someone else is putting more thought energy into the opposite. Therefore, if you're in a situation your perception of the situation can change the outcome. For instance, I used to worry about my then girlfriend leaving me. But all that worrying can do it bring about her actually leaving. If I don't want her to leave me, I should instead focus on her staying with me forever rather than worrying she will not.

Another example is when a person believes something is true or not true so strongly, that result becomes true for them. Humans convince themselves of things all the time. People used to believe the Earth was the center of the solar system, and they found ways to prove it! They ignored evidence that didn't fit their model and continued on their happy way. This did not change reality that the sun is the center, but it was real to them. In the end, reality will always win out, because truth remains truth and we at our cores want to be with the truth.

That sounds a little strange, so I'll elaborate. Our souls know truth and reality. They know we live in a relative world that exists with many illusions. These illusions serve a purpose, to allow the souls to experience things like disunity from the all and suffering and forgiveness and emotion...a whole slew of things. But the soul knows this and chooses to live in the illusion. We as humans however don't know this. We have to forget in order to live our lives. However, our soul is there to remind us what is true and what is real (or an illusion). When we get caught up in the illusion so that we believe it to be real this causes conflict with our soul. Most people just continue on when these conflicts arise, choosing to trust the illusion rather than themselves. They create elaborate arguments as to why the illusion is real, all the while ignoring the evidence that leads us to truth. These conflicts can be very harmful. This is one reason why teen suicide is such a problem. Teenagers are learning about themselves, and this is often at odds with what society has taught them. For gay and bisexual kids, it's even worse because they are told they are evil and going to hell for what they are feeling. Yet they feel in their soul they are right, and often times will go against that and try to convince themselves they are messed up and just need to act straight until they become it. This is just one overly simplified example (to save space). Another is to look at fundamentalism. Fundamentalism rises from an individual refuses at all costs to see what is around them and to stick with the one idea they decide to be real. They know it isn't true, but they stick to it anyway.

What does this all mean as far as perceptional reality? There is an ultimate reality and an ultimate illusion. The ultimate reality is that we are all one, with every thing in the universe. We were all one at one time (though time doesn't really exist) before the big bang. But in order to continue to experience oneness, we needed to experience disunity. Thus the big bang, and we get to experience separateness. At any moment we can choose to return to the one, which would be considered dying in our illusionary world. This cycle continues forever. The illusion is the world we live in. It is a place of relativity, therefore the need for the illusion of time. I'm not going to go into the time issue today because I'm not feeling like the ideas are coming to me so I'll have to do it a different day. However, I have come to an understanding. Your perception determines your reality, but it's your reality within the illusion. We change things within our illusion. That's the way things are with illusions, they are constantly changing and evolving to remain an illusion. But we don't change things with the ultimate reality. This is how we can have the ability to change while maintaining an ultimate truth.

I've had to unlearn a lot of what society has taught me. At 18, a senior in high school, the realization hit me (like a big truck) that I was gay. It was a realization that should have hit me much sooner, but my perception did not allow it to be reality. The fact that denial is so strong is a testament to the power of the mind! But in the months following this realization I spent much time trying to figure out whether or not I was really going to hell because of my sexuality. Over the years I've learned a lot of things, all of them being that my sexuality is who I am. I love my wife very deeply and believe we were meant to be together. I am not going to hell, now for the simple reason that I do not believe in hell. But also because God does not care about these petty things. God is simply love, not a character that judges and interferes and controls are lives. God is the ultimate oneness, and my sexuality in no way changes that. All that matters is that I do what is in my highest good for me. I cannot harm others if I do that, because harming others harms me. Therefore, following my soul it is impossible to do 'wrong'. It would have been nice to know this from the beginning, but having come from a religious background I can understand where homophobic people and religious zealots come from. And the more that I know me, the more I can tell what is real, and what is the illusion.

Care2 - the global network for organizations and people who Care2 make a difference!

Care2 - the global network for organizations and people who Care2 make a difference!

This is a super easy and fun way to help make a difference in the world. All you do is click to have businesses donate to each cause. Of course there are links for people who can help more, but if you're poor like me, at least you can do a little without costing a dime to you. So please, go to this site and click to donate. I don't understand why so many people I send invites to don't do this simple thing, but I'm hoping more will do it now. Thank you.

Fatum Operandi

For a quick explanation of how quickly all my posts were made, realize that I printed off all of the dialogues over the summer and have read them multiple times. My subconscious has been working on many of these ideas for a while, so they come out quite easily. I'm stopping for tonight because perceptional reality will take a fresh mind because mine is getting quite tired. But there is definately quite a bit of thought in all of my posts. I think of it more like this is a huge final exam; I'm just writing what I believe. Please feel free to comment on anything I wrote. Thank you!

SS102: Dialogue: The Path Least Traveled

SS102: Dialogue: The Path Least Traveled

Guilty as charged! I'm so terrible about being lazy. Take this winter break for instance. This is the first winter break in 3 years where I did not have to work during it. I've been resting, relaxing, spending time with my wife, fun stuff. But I have not worked out or meditated. It took me 2 weeks to catch up my errands so I would clean at home. Now i'm close to finishing my cleaning, but still have a lot to do. I fell into a slump where I just didn't want to do anything, and I'm finally sick of it and getting things done. My next step is to get up in the morning...preferably before 9 am! If I can find the discipline to do this, I can do anything! Then I can find time to play my drums. Really, I need to clean that room and then I'll feel like playing I'm sure. It's just so cluttered in there...

It's funny, I've always had this problem. If I don't have forced structure, I do nothing. I broke my toe this fall in karate. I haven't practiced once. Literally, I've done nothing. I'm getting more out of shape when I need to be strengthening. I let myself get lazy. And this semester when I return to karate...it will hurt! Another instance, I said I was going to study this break so the semester wasn't so hard, but I haven't. I've avoided anything scientific altogether actually. But I believe this will prevent burnout. The point is, I'm very bad with self discipline. Will I ever change?

SS102: Dialogue: The Laws of Effort and Choice

SS102: Dialogue: The Laws of Effort and Choice

I'm a little torn about this. For one, I acknowledge the point this dialogue is making, that we have to work for what we want, not just sit around and wait for things to happen. However, I also believe that if you have to fight for everything, perhaps you are not paying attention to what the universe is telling you. So far nothing in my life has been very hard. I have had to work, but things always fall into place. I take this to mean I'm on the right path. If things seem to not work out continually they are not meant to, and I choose to follow a different path. So I guess that's how I view effort and choice. I have goals in life, but I keep them simple. Like, getting my phd in physics. Attending the University of Texas. Simple goals that came to manifest I believe because I kept them simple. I think some people get lost in detailed goals because it's hard to focus on many details. This works for me at least!

Fatum Operandi - SS102: Dialogue: Self-Analysis and Finding Your Path

SS102: Dialogue: Self-Analysis and Finding Your Path

I just realized I hadn't thought about my path so much lately. Graduate school has a way of focusing your thoughts on just your classes and how to survive. But I do have a destination in mind. I want to end up with a lot of land, a ranch, where we can homeschool our children and have a recording studio. I want to be able to relax, be in nature, raise conscious kids and grow. I don't want to be stressed out, I just want to be. So how does this happen? I figure for the next 20 years I'll be a research physicist and probably a professor. Then I'll retire and work on my own little projects and help carrie with the studio. We won't have bosses, and we'll be able to live free.

But how do I actually reach my goals happily? I continue working towards a less stressful life. I embrace my personal truth, which involves actually finding it! I work towards living honestly, which can be hard. I try to find balance, doing qigong to have good energy, pay attention to my wife so I have a good relationship, and focus on my studies. I simply do what needs to be done and things will work out perfectly fine. I get better all the time, but I still screw up. That keeps me humble, but I know I'm improving. And I stay this path because it is the only path I know, the only thing I can do.

There are some definate 'rules' to my path however, though they come from knowing myself and my soul. I do my best to not harm another individual. Harming someone only harms myself. I try to help others, because helping others helps myself. This sounds selfish, but it isn't, just insight gained by the understanding that we are all one, and what we do to others we do to ourselves. And beyond people, I do my best to not harm other creatures, including animals and plants because it hurts me. I'm trying to stick to a light path, though I believe the shadow path is the best, because I need to know I can walk light before I even try to walk shadow. Does that make sense? It does to me at least. My mentor said to me, one day way back, that I have the potential to be one of a few true 'form 6' people. Basically the highest light, encompassing pure love and acting from it. But I have a lot to do before I can even come close. I should talk to him about that next time I catch him online because I need to be reminded of what that all meant.

In short, my path is of that towards full consciousness, therefore I call myself a student of consciousness. I'm moving towards highly evolved being status (see conversations with god books) and we'll just have to see where I end up!

SS102: Dialogue: Archetypes

SS102: Dialogue: Archetypes

Since I recently had an acupuncturist do my elements, I'm going to add them here. I don't have references for many of the others, though I plan to buy a book to do my natal chart when I get my student loan money and will add that to my blog later.

My scores were:
Wood 2
Fire 3
Earth 5
Metal 5
Water 10

And the description of water:
As a water type, you embody the archetype of the Hermit. The Hermit wanders with his lantern, looking through the darkness for the light of truth. Water types are spiritual seekers, but they are private about their quest. You tend to have a few close friends, and enjoy solitude. You avoid situations with stimulus and crowds, seeing beauty in simple things. When out of balance, your need for solitude turns into suspicion and avoidance behavior. If your fear seems like just a little fear, try to stretch your tolerance sometimes, and be open to the new.

Although water types can be lazy, if involved in meaningful work, you are capable of laboring long hours, and have high levels of endurance. You also know when you have reached your limit. Water represents the storage of resources. In the same way a tiny seed contains the blueprint for the entire species, so water contains the energy of all your ancestors. To picture it more clearly, you could think of it as your DNA, although the Chinese referred to it is essence. You intuitively know that this energy is not something that can be replenished. It must be conserved like a precious treasure.

If you are feeling cold and insular, try to let yourself bask in some sunshine or by a fire. Although you are naturally reluctant to be in social situations, sometimes it can be fun, so don’t prejudge too quickly.

Liam Neeson and Uma Thurman seem like water types. Kevin Spacey in the movie “Shipping News” was an example of an unbalanced water type that grew into more harmonious expression.


So how accurate is this? Dead on. Especially the part of me being spiritual but private about it. I've always been a quiet spiritual person. I'm in a Conversations with God study group, and I find myself very uncomfortable meeting in public and discussing my beliefs, even though the other people (not in the group) are strangers. In any case, I'm pleased with this archetype description of myself. However, to be more in balance I'm supposed to add more fire to me. Here is the description of fire:
As a fire type, you embody the archetype of the lover. You are joyful, entertaining, and passionate. You may have a way with words. You are responsive and sensitive to others, but your attention and moods fluctuate like the flickering of a flame. Although you enjoy people you need some time to rejuvenate your energies too. However, you are always willing to connect and extend understanding. You are energetic but like to be playful and relax too. A balanced fire type can concentrate well, and achieve great understanding.

If you let your boundaries lapse though, you will feel scattered and overwhelmed. In an extreme case, you may even feel mentally unstable. Be sure to make time for the artistic pursuits that feed your soulful nature. Be aware of a tendency to have brilliant ideas, but not follow through on the manifestation. This will lead to depression. Also check your thoughts before you open your mouth

When you feel flushed and sweaty, your body is signaling you that it is time to by lower your activity level.


I know my wife will agree with the idea of increasing my passion and sexuality, and that does tend to balance me out more. Looks like this person knows their stuff. I'm definately going to contact her about acupuncture when I have the money.

Fatum Operandi - SS102: Dialogue: How You Think

SS102: Dialogue: How You Think

Wow, it's hard to figure out how I think, because I don't think I've figured it all out yet. But I'll put down what I've determined.

1. The best way for me to sort things out is to have another person to bounce the ideas off of. My wife is great for these things. I've worked through some really emotional things with her help because she would allow me to work past the lies I tell myself until I hit on truth. It's very effective for me personally.

2. In lieu of a person, I will often write. This allows me to carry on a dialogue with myself. I tend not to get as deep into myself this way, but I can certainly work through some surface things, or through things that I don't feel comfortable talking to individuals about. I recommend this to everyone else I know, writing until you are exhausted. The great thing about writing is after you have exhausted yourself, you can burn what you wrote, releasing you from those emotions and allowing you to move on. It's very freeing!

3. If I'm unable to talk to someone else or write things down, then I need to move. I try to walk somewhere. I don't know what this helps, but I think it allows my mind to focus on the issue at hand, rather than many other things.

4. Unfortunately meditation works terribly for me. I don't know why, it just does. Hopefully in time this will change, but for now, I use meditation only for relaxing and calming my mind.

Fatum Operandi - SS102: Dialogue: Between the Spheres

SS102: Dialogue: Between the Spheres

This is a little hard for me to discuss because it's so thorough. I've been working on objectivity and perspective with my mentor from day 1, so it's been a work in progress. I really like the spheres idea, I'll definately have to remember it.

I've used spheres in a different way in dealing with other students of my own. We live in a binary culture, so we're used to the idea of looking at one side or the other of a situation. But I tell people to imagine the situation as at the center of a sphere. We need to come from as many different angles as possible to get a grasp of it objectively. It's a visual that works well for me.

What I find interesting is trying to see things from other people's point of view. There are many times when I can do it and come to something close to their truth. But there are times when I can't fathom where someone is coming from. That scares me because it tends to be with people like serial killers or some really wacko things. I believe my inability to understand comes from a lack of information however, and believe I could come to some sort of understanding about anyone if given enough information. I've always had a talent for it, perhaps the one innate 'jedi' gift I have.

In my life, I haven't had to use objectivity and perspective so much to determine my path, but it often is used to help others understand a situation they are dealing with. It's how I find the answers when others are still wandering. I have a long way to go, but I'm getting better and better as time goes on.

Fatum Operandi - SS102: Dialogue: Nature of Language

SS102: Dialogue: Nature of Language

This dialogue brings many things to mind, so I'm going to lay them out there quickly.
1. We are creatures of emotions and communicate most effectively through them. Language will always be a poor substitute. In Conversations with God, God mentions that saying something is actually the least effective way of communicating because it is so open to error and misunderstanding. And we've all seen this. Online, most people are limited to just the words on the screen. This often leads to misunderstandings that would not have happened face to face. Humans read so much from facial expressions and body language, though it's not conscious usually. And honestly, when did humans develop speech? Clearly we were 'humans' before we had a well developed vocabularly and got along fine, evolving into who we are today.

2. I just read a book called Bleachy-Haired Honky Bitch: Tales from a Bad Neighborhood by Hollis Gillespie. In it she talks about being a translator in Germany. She can't determine if she's a good or bad translator. For one, she doesn't translate very naturally, meaning her translations are simple and very literal. For instance, on page 4 she is supposed to ask when a patient had her last bowel movement. What she says is "Madame, when was the last time you went to the toilet solidly?" Or the time she couldn't find the metal end of the seatbelt and told the taxi driver "Pardon me, but I am missing the penis of my seatbelt." Clearly these aren't the way natural speakers would say things, but she gets her point across and gets a good laugh in the process. So is she a good or bad translator? Language is so flexible, that I think she gets her point across and is therefore reasonably good. Granted she would not be considered good for a political situation that involves so many subleties. All depends on context. But her situations show how language is not an exact science.

3. We are constantly making up words. How often do you find yourself looking for a word to describe what you mean, and you make up a whole new word, or at least alter a normal word to give it an emotional aspect. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a prime example of this. They are constantly making up new words, which I love! I think the evolving nature of language is what makes it exciting, and allows you to own it rather than letting it own you.

4. Though making up words is fun, when dealing with people that are not native english speakers it's important to stick to words they understand. I had a conversation with Belete Muturo's wife, who is from Ethiopia and doesn't speak much English, and I had a great time with it. They were about to leave Wisconsin for Missouri and we talked about how there are giant mosquitos, but less snow. She was glad to be leaving the cold, though I warned her about humidity. She said Ethiopia has beautiful temperatures, always around 70 and that she misses it. And she was hoping she would be closer to her family that's on the east coast. All this was spoken with less words then I used to describe it I'm sure, but it was a lovely conversation and a great learning experience. I definately missed out on things living in a very homogeneous part of Wisconsin, but I'm catching up little by little.

Language is easy to forget about since we use it so often, but it's important to look at how you use language. It can make all the difference in the world.

clutter

I hate clutter, but can't seem to get it under control. I thought I had it when I bought hanging file folders from Sam's the other day, but then I realized the bottom drawer in my file cabinet doesn't have the rails to hang them. So close! I just want to get everything into folders...then I should have my random stuff down to one box. It would be so amazing if it was! To finish up the rest of the mess I'm going to buy a shelf from target. Since it has to go in front of a window I'm getting the open back heavy duty type which will still allow the energy to flow, rather than standard bookshelves which totally block the energy. Now if I could just get paid! Or if someone would just buy my bass amp, that would work too.

Anyway, back to clutter...

My mom is a total pack rat, which I seem to have inherited. I'm very sentimental about silly things. Part of it is because I never had many friends, so momentos from friends mean a lot to me. Also I have a terrible memory. I have problems living in the moment, so a lot of my childhood is forgotten. Keeping things around reminds me of the past. However since I hate clutter, something had to give. I've learned to determine what's important and/or irreplacable and what is something I'll be able to find again if I need it. And the things I keep around I simply need to organize. For instance, my writings are slowly ending up in the same place. Eventually I want them in a safe electronic location so if my house burns up, they survive. Granted, if that did happen, I would be ok. I really can survive without stuff and can go quite a while without buying things. It's just hard sometimes to get rid of things voluntarily. The farther I go on my path, however, the better I am. And my mom is improving also. She's learning to work through her issues, removing emotional clutter, which allows her to remove physical clutter. I'm proud of her.

tsunami

I love waking up and seeing that thousands of people were killed by a tsunami triggered by an 8.9 earthquake. It's so sad, so many people, killed so fast. Granted I know they aren't sad now, but it's still amazing to think about. One minute your sitting on the beach, next thing you know a huge wall of water just wipes out everything. I wish everyone affected good luck and hope they an bounce back from this quickly. How's that for a day after Christmas?

post election song

Wake up, look around
open your eyes and see
this is the state we're living in
the home of the free?

We're choosing our leaders
with fear and hate
to protect us from things
that aren't a threat
while threats go ignored
along with reason

Wake up, look around
open your eyes and see
this is the state we're living in
the home of the free?

America has spoken
or so they say
voting morality
the American way
with intimidation dishonesty
and the law on their side

Wake up, look around
open your eyes and see
this is the state we're living in
the home of the free?

What is the solution
not lying in wait
4 more years
will be too late
there's power in violence
but what about peace?
(there must be a different way)

Wake up, look around
open your eyes and see
this is the state we're living in
the home of the free?

Maybe I'm overreacting
is there such a thing?
but I've opened my eyes
I don't like what I see
Canada really looks
good to me

Mental Illness

How much of mental illness is permanent, and how much is fixable? From what I read, these are causes of mental illness.

1. Energy imbalance. If you really screw up your energy it will mess with your mind. This of course will lead to moments of insanity, issues with depression, and probably many other problems with the mind.

2. Fighting truth. In reading Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch the idea is brought up that sleep is the time when our soul leaves our body to experience freedom. When we are children we sleep a lot because the soul can only tolerate a short amount of time cooped up in our body before it needs to leave. While it loves the new experience of being in a body, it still takes time to adjust. Then as children we need a little less sleep and have boundless energy. At this time we just live and learn. Then as we're older and more conscious, like in our teen years, we are fighting many conflicting ideas. For one we have all of those ideas we learned from society, but we also have what our body and soul tells us, which often conflicts the rules society has put forth. So we need to sleep more again. The conflict between truth that our soul knows and what society says is truth just wears the soul out. Finally in old age, when we've given up a lot of rules and just live again, we tend to need less sleep. But back to mental illness...it seems to make sense that if you are more awake than normal, that you can sense the conflict between society and soul, that could mess with the mind, the place where soul and consciousness meet. Therefore it would make sense that if a person with mental illness were able to throw away all society has taught them and just live their truth they would not have the illness anymore.

Now, if my ideas are correct, is there a true mental illness that cannot be cured if the person is willing? I understand if a person doesn't want to, but I really believe most mental issues can be 'fixed' with soul searching and energy work. Drugs are not needed and are definately not good for most people. We need to do something new. I think this will be the way to go.

friendly mexicans

I can't believe how nice our neighbors are. They're this mexican family...though I'm still not sure how many people live in the apartment. I know there are at least the two kids who are cute but all boy, and the parents. I think there is another younger guy in there, and maybe another girl, all in at most a 2 bedroom. But they had Christmas last night, brought over 4 mexican tamales and beer. I tried a tamale...it smelled so good...but didn't taste so good. It had corn meal mush, a spice that made it spicy, then random pieces of pork and chicken including skin and some bones. I just couldn't do that. However the beer killed the taste so it wasn't so bad. I wish I would have liked it though. The neighbor kept bringing over 2 beers every half hour or so, since he had way too much. I drank one, carrie had 4 or 5, so she got a bit buzzed lol! He's a nice guy. This morning he brought over 4 plates with mashed potatoes, turkey legs, carrots, green beans, corn meal stuff and a pasta type salad. I'm going to try it all in a little bit because at least half of that has to taste decent! In return all we could give them was some cookies for the kids. But new years we'll have to make extra black eyed peas and cabbage and give them some. It's the least we can do. And hopefully I'll learn more spanish soon, probably this summer so I can talk a little in spanish so they aren't trying to do english all the time. They've only been here 3 years so it's hard. But the kids are totally bilingual so they translate when necessary. I just feel bad...need to learn spanish. Nice neighbors are cool...

journey to wild divine

If only I had an extra $160 sitting around, then I could totally buy the Journey to Wild Divine game. It looks amazing. You use biofeedback to control the game. Things like lowering your breathing rate and pulse rate to aim a bow and arrow. You get a true visual of what you're doing with your body. And no guessing as to whether you are imagining it or if it's real, the computer tells you! I wish they would just sell extra sensors and then people could pitch in and we could share. Either way, I want to get this when I get my tuition money in January or February. As long as Carrie gets a job soon, I can definately do it. I can't wait. Definately better to spend my time doing that rather than final fantasy xi.

cramps suck

I really want to know why cramping always comes with bleeding. It seems like it has to be that way, but there was one time when I didn't cramp. I was taking an herbal blend from the acupuncturist and had one whole month without cramps. I could have kissed him (which is saying a lot, since I don't kiss strangers, especially boy strangers)! But since I don't have the money for acupuncture or herbs or anything right now, I can't just get them taken care of. I really need to find out more about this, from the chinese perspective since that's the one time I didn't have cramps. You know what they need to make? A qigong or tai chi workout for women during menstruation. I know you're supposed to alter how you do things, like focus energy to the middle dantien instead of lower dantien, but there's not a lot of info out there. Stupid male focused society...grrr... :-) growling is fun! I think it's time for some moon cycle tea.

family

Holidays make people think about their families. I've spent a few holidays away from my parents now, some spent completely on my own, some with other friends, but I always got to talk to my parents and see them shortly after. I'm really lucky. Carrie is not. This is her first Christmas without her great-grandma, who she's come to realize is the only person that truly loved her in this world. Her father does not seem to. He gives what little energy he has to his wife and her kids and grandkids. Carrie is his only child and yet she does not get attention. He called a few weeks ago, after not calling for another couple of weeks and it seems like he just wanted money. Except we have no money to give. So now he didn't call today, and he always calls on Christmas. It's so hard on her, not having her family. She does have her mom, but there's so much crap from the past that she's not ready to love her or trust her yet. She's just working on letting her in a little at a time. At least her mom seems to be truly trying. But right now, Carrie feels really alone. I can only be so much for her, but I do my best. It's just hard, seeing her struggle without having that family behind her like I have. Hopefully I'll keep doing the right things and we'll slowly build a great family. At least I know she'll never treat her kids like she was treated. I'll struggle with showing affection, but not her. It will be interesting to see what kind of family we become.

first post

So I decided to enter the world of blogging. Why? I have livejournal, but just don't use it. So will I use this? We'll see. You never know, maybe the newness will make this more interesting for me so I'll use it more...