groceries

It's a wonderful feeling to finally pull up your bank info and see your paycheck in there after 2 days of waiting. We just got back from the grocery trip to end all grocery trips! We spent $150 at two stores, and only need around $40 more to finish off what we'll need for at least 3 weeks worth of planned and good meals. It's awesome! I'm so proud of Carrie for doing this. She made the list, then the menu for the next three weeks, and we'll only have to replenish milk and some produce like fruit. Otherwise we should be totally set up. Plus I'll have lunches to bring to school so I don't have to eat taco hell anymore! Yay!

One reason this is so exciting is that we are seriously budgeting for the second month in a row, and this will help a ton. Also, the meals are a lot healthier than convenience food or restaurants, which is key. We can control portions and fat/calories also. Granted, this is only possible thanks to my wonderful wife who can actually cook! If I were living on my own it would be a lot of spagetti, cereal, mac and cheese, and peas! lol

Tomorrow we'll finish up the shopping with a trip to another grocery store to get the stuff on sale there, which is only $10 worth of stuff or so, and then a quick trip to Sam's club. Then I honestly can't think of anything else we could possibly need! As long as I remain responsible, we'll make it through this month without going into the negative in the bank account again. That's the plan for now. However I'm still going to hit up the temp agency once I finish finals so I can make a little extra cash. We need to break even this month or the summer will not be pleasant.

Anyway, I'm quite tired now, so I should head to bed. Tomorrow will be another day of shopping, cleaning, and then jamming! Woohoo!

My dad's update

Well, Dean went to the New London hospital Monday morning for more tests. He got there at 7 a.m. and they couldn't find his orders. Turns out when they made the appointment for him, they forgot to tell him the tests were scheduled at Appleton Medical Center Hospital! So, the tests were rescheduled for Tuesday. He spent all morning Tuesday at the hospital undergoing some more nuclear medicine tests called a GI Bleed. That testing didn't show anything abnormal either. This is certainly puzzling. It's good that they are not finding anything bad. It's just a frustrating process trying to get to the root of the problem.

There is another type of test they want to do which would involve Dean swallowing a tiny camera. Not sure when that will be scheduled yet.

His hemoglobin is slowly coming up to close to normal levels. Two weeks ago it was at 12.9, then last week it dropped to 12.6 and this week it's all the way up to 13.1 So that is a very good sign even though he is still having bleeding issues.

Just a quick update to let everyone know what's been happening.

Hope all is well with everyone!

Leona

new ritual

I've decided that in memorium of my favorite band taking a hiatus, I will wear my Butchies wristband for the next 3 days. This brought up some really interesting questions in myself today. For instance, why do we as humans feel this need to create rituals when important things happen? For me in particular, why do I create a ritual for something that didn't have one before? Perhaps it is a throwback to ancient rituals, the memory of which are hidden deep in memory?

What I do know is I try to find ways to mark important important situations in my life. But, I don't want traditional rituals. I struggled to find a unique marriage ceremony before settling on something somewhat traditional because I just couldn't figure it out. It was probably just too important.

I'm sure there are many people who will think I'm quite silly for making a big deal about the butchies taking a hiatus. Honestly I'm a bit suprised how much it has affected me also, but it shows how important they were in my life. Music has always been something that affects me deeply. The Butchies were the first queercore band I listened too and I fell in love immediately. They're the band that I dropped everything for to see in concert. I drove many hours sometimes, braved a tornadic storm once!, because my life was never more fun than at a show. I was able to let go of all the crap going on in my life and just merge with the music. And yes, there will be other bands and other shows, but...the butchies were special. It's just hard to describe without experiencing them.

So I've created my own little ritual to honor the kickass band they are, and to allow me to work through the idea that I will probably never see them in concert again. Today I wore my shirt and wristband, but I got spagetti sauce on my shirt so it's just the wristband for the next 2 days lol! It's a good thing they don't care what I look like when I teach so I don't get in trouble. That has to look really wierd, a punk kid teaching physics! lol, it's hilarious!

The way I see it now, there is a gaping hole left in the music world that needs to be filled. I personally have no idea what band will fill that hole for me. Any recommendations? I need a queer punk/rock band! Guess I'll just have to create my own. Just need to find the right people and keep practicing my drums so I don't suck! oh well, enough ranting. Need to get ready for bed.

The Butchies will be no more

The Butchies Rock News

My favorite band, probably of all time, is calling it, well, not quite quits, but a hiatus. Which is pretty similar, except more open ended. In any case, I'm quite sad right now. I've seen this band perform so many times. San Diego, CA in 2000, Louisville, KY in 2000?, Chicago, IL in 2001, Minneapolis, MN in 2001, 2oo2, 2004...and now, never again? I really thought this band would be one that would be around forever. Honestly, I can't see them not being the Butchies. No more albums? No more shows, at least that I can get to? AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

However, I understand the need to move on, and let them live their lives. Besides, I can hold out hope for reunion shows and such. Maybe my dream of having a band and opening for them one day can still come true? I'll keep dreaming so it can. At least Kaia is still making music, because I don't know how long I can go without a new Kaia fix! lol

I guess all that's left to say is, Good Luck everyone. I'm sure Kaia will be happier back in her home state, because I know how much I love being back home. I can't wait to hear Mel the drummer slut on some other albums. I still have much to learn from her. And good luck to Al, going back to pursue her PhD after all these years. I remember her mentioning that to me a few years ago at the first Minneapolis show, and I'm proud of her for returning to it. Let this be an example for everyone that you can choose to go different ways, even when things are going well.

Thanks for the tons of happy memories guys. I'll miss you.

[Boy on a Stick and Slither]

[Boy on a Stick and Slither]
This is so true...I love comics! And I love that I have a friend who cearly has too much time on his hands and sends me links like these! Too bad I am not artistically creative and can't make my own comic, they're so fun! Oh well, check this one out, it's priceless!

movies

Yesterday we watched Finding Neverland for the first time. I definately understand why it was up for so many awards now. It's a wonderful story that I hope everyone gets to see at some point. What I enjoyed most was seeing how much of an impact you can have by encouraging children to play and be creative. Do we encourage creativity much anymore? It doesn't seem like it. We certainly don't value creativity in adults, at least not if it gets in the way of earning a living and being responsible. It's just as crucial for adults to have fun as it is for children. I know this, but I often limit my own ideas of having fun and being silly. Would I ever think of painting my face, wearing a silly hat, and carrying a duck? lol, no, but I might now! So freeing...

We also watched the special features disk of A League of Their Own, which was hilarious! That movie has always held a special place in my heart, because it's based on real people. It always makes me want to go out and play baseball, which I rarely do anymore. The other interesting aspect of the movie is the behind the scenes stories. The movie was filmed mostly in Evansville, Indiana, my wife's hometown. I've driven past Bosse Field many times, so it's neat to see it in a movie. Apparently Evansville is none to fond of Madonna because of this movie. My wife told me that she offended the town by saying there was nothing to do there. I just laugh, because she's so right! There's basically nothing to do. In a town of 130,000, there's nothing. At night you can go to a bar, or walmart. And since people wouldn't leave them alone the few times they went out, I can see how life could get really boring to someone used to more activity. But in any case, many people still hold a grudge, which is sad. I'm certainly glad we didn't stay in Evansville for more than a year, or we'd be sucked into the black hole that happens when people are forced to work crappy jobs for little pay and can't escape the cycle.

We also watched Ocean's 12, even though we never saw Ocean's 11. It's a good fun movie, with plenty of laughs. No life changing moments or anything, but sometimes a good laugh is all I want from a movie. I think it's worth renting, but then again I didn't pay to rent it lol! Now I need to get to my homework and grading. I need to avoid the stress out I had last week, which means work my butt off on the weekend. Blah...someday I won't have to do this! lol, and it will all be worth it...

formerlyROSIE: GAY FOSTER MOM

formerlyROSIE: GAY FOSTER MOM

There are things that I read that once I am done I just stop. Everything stops, and all I can do is breathe, feeling the heaviness of what I have read. The first time was finishing Lord of the Flies in high school. A book that made me question the nature of humans, and children. And now, I can barely form words, typing slowly for once, struggling to describe...

Reading things like this, I am not angry, more stunned by reality. The reality that humans are capable of such evil, and such love. I just wonder how people can be so blinded by their illusions that this reality does not register with them. What do they see of the world? How do they feel when they hear these stories? Do they feel? How do they miss that it isn't gay parents and foster parents causing this abuse? How?

I know to combat hate with love. I just don't know how. It doesn't seem to matter, the hate contiues to grow, or at least get louder. We need to increase the love...

Good News!

Well, it seems I've had two pieces of good news today, thankfully! First, regarding my previous post, what Mr. Rodriguez has told me cheers me up and gives me hope. If there is enough sanity left in the legistlature, then this bill will not include the hateful anti-gay amendment. At this moment, protests are about to begin on the state capitol. I would be there if I didn't have class at 2. However I am with them in spirit and sending my energy their way. I believe we will be successful in this matter. I overhear people discussing this issue, not just queers, but other people without a vested personal interest. For instance in the union the three cashiers were discussing the topic, all of them apalled at the thought of taking kids out of good homes just because of an individuals sexuality. What also confused them was the amendment's sponsor saying that homosexuality was a learned behavior. How can it be learned? Almost every single gay person on the planet came from straight parents! I personally have straight parents, and never knew someone gay personally until I was in high school. I certainly never talked to anyone about sexuality, it really wasn't on my radar screen very often. And I came of age before I could watch openly gay characters on tv, not like today. So where did I learn it from? His comment was so off base I'm not even sure where it came from. But anyway, back to good news.

I had my meeting with Dr. Bengtson this morning. When I arrived there was another individual from the collaboration in there, Boris. Shortly after my arrival the phone rang. It was a woman telling them they got a $2 million grant! Boris said I was the reason they got it, that if I hadn't walked in the door she wouldn't have called! Lol, I thought that was amusing. With the new grant, Dr. Bengtson believes he'll have something for me to do for the summer, which wouldn't have been possible before that grant! This is a wonderful example of things lining up just right. For instance, if he hadn't been sick yesterday and delayed our meeting until today, he wouldn't have the grant yet. If I hadn't overslept and skipped my lab meeting I could have showed up too early to know about the grant. Hell, if I'd have talked to him at any point earlier in the semester this would have turned out differently. I'm very glad I paid attention to my gut and followed my instinct. Things are going to turn out just fine.

As a side note, I wonder how everything would have turned out differently had I not found the Jedi path 4 years ago? Would I have completely pushed the wrong issues, and destroyed the path I'm on now? Or would I have found myself here anyway? Lol, I guess it doesn't matter, but I'm sure thankful I'm on the path I am. Life is much more enjoyable when you walk with your path rather than against it.

Eddie Rodriguez's email response

Ms. Meyer-

Thank you for your e-mail about Talton's amendment to SB 6 that would
ban gays and lesbians from becoming foster parents.

I am disgusted and appalled by this amendment. Not only does this
amendment legislate hate towards homosexuals, it also harms many of
Texas' most vulnerable children. The state foster care system is
already overburdened, and it is abhorrent that legislators would claim
that it is in the best interest of children to deny them the opportunity
to be part of a safe and loving family.

There's still hope-I have had personal conversations with both the House
sponsor and liaison from the Governor's office about taking Talton's
amendment out of the bill. As it stands right now, both the House and
Senate sponsors do not want it on the bill. Even the Governor released
a statement saying it "is not how we should be spending our time and
money". My hope is that the conference committee will decide to leave
this amendment out of the final version of SB 6.

It would be a tragedy if gays and lesbians felt they had to leave Texas
in order to be treated with dignity and granted their basic civil
rights. Radical hate tactics such as Talton's amendment are an insult
to our great state and shame us before the nation and the world. This
amendment is against everything I stand for, and I will continue to
fight passionately on behalf of the gay and lesbian community.

Thank you for sharing your personal concerns with me. My staff and I
welcome you to contact my office if you have any additional comments or
questions.

Eddie Rodriguez
State Representative

money

I really hate it when money issues catch up. Like when the car insurance is renewed and I have to start paying it again...and there isn't the money in the bank to cover it. I'm hoping the bank will cover it and I'll pay the fees because I don't want to go without insurance. The problem is that I don't know where the money to catch up will come from until june when I take out student loans again. I'm thinking about doing some temp work this summer to try to catch up, but it all depends on my schedule.

Tomorrow I ask Dr. Bengtson for a job over the summer. Pray he has one so I can focus on school and not working somewhere. Then I just work and take out the loans and we're perfectly fine. At least one good piece of news is that even without the RA job I will get instate tuition thanks to my McNair fellowship! Woohoo!

Anyway, I'm clearly not focused at all right now. I think I'll just cut my losses and head to bed, hopefully finish my book. I'm reading Daughter of the River by Hong Ying. It's a fascinating read about this woman's life growing up somewhere in China. I'm just fascinated by the lives these people led. I can't imagine such a difficult life. It puts true poverty in perspective. Most people in America have no clue what true poverty is. I'm not saying that people don't suffer, but the sheer numbers of people living this way, and the depths of their poverty is staggering. In spite of all that it's a good read. Definately broke up the school monotony a bit.

Bouncing Ball

Another Koan

One of the monks was troubled with his wandering thoughts. Not knowing how to deal with them, he had no peace and asked the Grand Master what to do.

The Grand Master said, "Thoughts come, and thoughts go. Just ignore them. Like a bouncing ball, if you don't hit it, it won't bounce."


Ha! Easier said than done! But a good, simple analogy.

Pick up the Beat - A Chan Koan

This Koan comes from the Chung Tai Koans - The Teaching Stories of Grand Master Wei Chueh. I received this at the Buddhism class I attended two weeks ago.

__________
Once during a morning service, the monks were all chanting with great concentration. Unexpectedly, the Grand Master walked in with his hands folded behind his back. His eyes were cast down looking back and forth across the ground. The monk on duty hurried over and asked, "Grand Master, are you searching for something?" The Grand Master replied, "The beats! Haven't you seen them? The beats are all over the floor! Go fetch a brrom and sweep them up!"

After the service, the monks who were responsible for playing the ritual instruments and leading the ceremony knelt in front of the Buddha statue in repentance.
__________

I chose this koan because I have a possible understanding of this one, rather than others I've read that totally confuse me! My take on this is based on the word concentration. I can see the monks focusing very hard, but concentration is a mental activity. Music should come from the heart. As a musician I know the difference it makes to play from your head versus your heart. Playing from your head is a poor imitation of that performed from the heart. So while the beats may have been technically correct, they weren't holding together like music that grooves from the heart. The monks were reminded of this difference by the master in a rather ingenious way, and thus repented.

Anyone else have a take on this?

LGRL :: Take Action - Action Center - WAKE-UP CALL - LGBT FAMILIES UNDER ATTACK!

LGRL :: Take Action - Action Center - WAKE-UP CALL - LGBT FAMILIES UNDER ATTACK!

I can't believe this is happening...a complete ban of homosexual and bisexual foster parents in the state of Texas. The bastards avoided the whole committee process, which I'm sure would have kept this from going to vote, and made it an amendment to the foster care restructuring bill. This is absolutely sick! It makes me angry, and sick to my stomach. Thankfully my representative voted against it, but I hope he can do more. This is what I wrote to him:

Dear Mr. Rodriguez,
I'd like to sincerely thank you for voting against SB 6, which includes a hateful and discriminatory ban on homosexual and bisexual foster parents. At this moment I'm sick to my stomach thinking I live in a state that will sink this low to legislate their morals. There are no children ''saved'' by this legislation, just children and adults who will be hurt by the breakup of their families. Thank you for seeing how hurtful this legislation is. I urge you to do your best to convince your fellow representatives to stop this bill in committee, where it should have started to begin with. You are our voice, please speak up for those of us who are good people who simply want to help children. My wife and I plan to foster children in the next few years, and if Texas makes that illegal I guarantee we will leave. No one will stand in the way of us having a family.

Thank you again for standing up for equal rights, and against hatred and bigotry.

I told carrie, and all she said is "I still can't figure out what's so evil about me" and I agree. This is getting out of hand! These people are completely and utterly insane!!! They conveniently ignore the fact that a majority of homosexuals had heterosexual parents. it's not contagious people!!!! Get a grip! God, when will rationality return to our society? Was it ever here in the first place? We need to fight fear, because fear is what drives these people. How do we fight fear...

In Tomorrow's God, god talks about how we'll either move forward into an evolved society, or destroy ourselves. I firmly believe we will evolve, but right now it's hard to see that. Instead I almost feel panic at what is happening around me. It's sad, and scary. I don't really know where to go with this, except to write about it here. How can people do this, and honestly believe it's the right thing to do? How! I think I hate them right now...I know I shouldn't but it's so hard when they hate me. They've personally attacked me, and my right to have a family, to help the world, to help a child. Because it's the children that really lose out.

I read about a study about lesbian relationships, and how they turn out with children involved. They found that the same percentage of lesbian couples split up 10 years into the relationship as heterosexual couples, but there was a big difference is the reasons. Many times it was because the women focused too much on the children, at the expense of the relationship. This almost never happens in straight families. And even after the breakup, they focused on the children and stayed cordial. This should be a model for straight families, not something that is banned and feared. AAAAHHH!!!!! I just want to beat the shit out of them! I never would, but right now it feels like a good idea. Anger is one emotion I haven't learned how to deal with very well. So powerful, you physically feel it throughout the body, sending energy to places unique to anger. Like arms, that need to hit. Or legs that need to kick. Or lungs that need to scream. This is anger. I feel it, I use it, I release it. Right now I am releasing it, in the only way I will let myself, nonviolently. I could try to replace my anger with love, but damn if that isn't hard! Instead I validate it, focus on it's physicality, and release that energy, disipating throughout my body. Release the urge to hit, release the urge to kick, release the urge to scream. this is why anger is powerful. It sits in so many places in the body, you have to focus much more to release it. It's time for me to focus now. But for those of you still angry, please, especially if you live in texas, contact your representative. This is important for all of us, gay or straight.

Lol, why can't Rosie live in Texas and fight this for us?

drums = focus

There are some days where playing drums is more beneficial than any amount of meditation. Today is one of those days. I was dragging, simply due to lack of sleep and the sugar low from dark chocolate star wars m&m's (they're evil!) but a half hour of playing drums and I'm ready to go again! Tonight I played the first couple of songs off Winger - Pull and then the first songs off Green Day - American Idiot. I have to play more punk stuff so I get the style in my head so I don't play rock when I have my own punk band. They're similar, but there are some differences. In any case, definately fun!

While I was drumming I thought of my jr. high band teacher. I've been wanting to call her for years, but never had her phone number. I stalked her on Google and have her number at school, but never remember during the day! Since VH1's Save the Music concert was the other night, I think I'll talk a little about her, because she set me on the right path to be a good musician.

In 7th or 8th grade, we got a new band director, Ms. Roberta Cherry. She had a love hate relationship with us, which is understandable since most 7th and 8th graders are assholes. I was a totally hardass back then, wearing my Bon Jovi jean jacket and bandana! (come on, it was the early 90's) She said I was scary, which is funny to me. But, I was first chair percussion, in a section of mostly guys. That gave me a little excuse to talk to her more than other students. Besides, I liked to talk to her because I love music. In that first year we made her cry, more than once, and yell a lot. Sometimes it was my fault, like not getting on people for throwing sticks which would inevitably hit the ground and annoy her. But usually I just did what I was supposed to. She was great, musically, because she starting teaching us jazz, first just the most talented kids, and eventually building a true junior high jazz program, unheard of in small town wisconsin. She let me play trumpet one year, even sitting in on a song for the winter concert! Lol, she was so happy for me the day I called her to say I did 2 whole octaves on the c scale! She also encouraged me to play bass, which was my claim to fame in high school. I just took to the instrument quickly. Through bass I played in 3 rock bands, jazz band and show choir, went to camp, and was in the wisconsin state honors vocal jazz choir as part of one of the best rhythm sections they had. It was an amazing time. She really made the difference for me, pushing me to learn new instruments and styles, and making sure we listened to real jazz. We never played this new crap, but the good stuff, straight out of the fake book. A great education. In this time she got married, changed her name to Roberta porfilio-sawall, got divorced, and eventually got married to a semi famous trumpet player Terrel Stafford. Now she lives on the east coast and teaches middle school, which has to drive her nuts. But I know those kids are blessed to have her. She's an amazing person and I miss having her in my life often. Everyone has a certain teacher that changed their life, I've been lucky enough to have a few. Roberta was definately special, and I hope to see her again relatively soon. Besides, she has yet to tell me her middle name, and she said she would after we graduated! lol

It's over

I had my final meeting with Dr. Rowen today. I'm glad it's over, because it just wasn't very fun. I hate working on projects where all I do is computer stuff. Hopefully Dr. Bengtson will have something available with funding for me this summer, though I'm already looking for a job otherwise. This is scary...to not know what is going to happen this summer. It's not like undergrad where you can work part time all year and then just kick up your hours in the summer. I'm not allowed to work during the school year, so this is really just a summer job. I just plan to go to the temp agencies, unless something else comes up. But how do I make the $1500 a month I need to make? Eeek...

Time to relax, truly relax, and just trust that this will work out. Things always do. I think I'll play wild divine for a little bit and then hit the homework. I haven't started em and it's due friday. At least I don't have to worry about research now! What a relief!

Decisions, decisions

I'm questioning my career path at the moment. I mean, I'm still interesting in fusion, but I don't think I'm a good fit for the group at UT. The guy I've been working for is definately not impressed with what I've done, and neither am I. I've been busting my ass, but not accomplishing much. Right now I'm pretty stuck, and have no idea where to go next. If I can't figure out this, how can I be worthwhile for them?

The other issue is that the professor is the most boring human being I've ever met. ok, maybe he isn't boring, but he has made no move to be personable at all. How am I supposed to know if I will be able to mesh if he is so closed off? I'm really questioning whether I want to work for him for 5 years...right now it sounds rather unpleasant. Especially when I know Dr. Bengtson is far more fun.

I've been in this type of situation once before, where I went for something that I thought was previously unavailable to me. When I was in high school I looked into the military and military academies, but felt I couldn't do it because I had asthma. So I went off to college, until I talked to some recruiters and realized I could just not tell anyone about my asthma and be fine. So I joined the Marines, and while some good things came out of it, things definately didn't turn out as planned. Well, with fusion I thought I couldn't work on it unless I went to Princeton or MIT. Then I talk to people in the department and learn there are people doing fusion, but they work on projects at MIT. So once again, something I thought unavailable to me becomes available, and it isn't going the best. Perhaps it would be best to learn from past situations and quit while I'm ahead. I just don't know how to deal with this tomorrow in my meeting...

formerlyROSIE: sneakers

formerlyROSIE: sneakers

Everyone should read this story...it's a great example of what I just discussed, how we choose who we are in each moment. I read rosie because I'm fascinated with who she chooses to be each day. I mean, we always hear about the bad decisions rosie has made, but that's clearly not all of her. Of course, niether is all of this, but it's interesting to me to see someone else put in these situations that I can see myself in also. No, I'm not in the position to hand a child a $100 bill, but we all end up in situations where we can choose to help, and get involved, connect with someone, or we can walk away, pretending nothing happened.

The important thing to remember is that even when you choose something, you are not bound by that choice beyond that situation. Every day you start fresh, free to make any decisions you wish. If you make a decision you aren't proud of, don't dwell on it, just choose differently next time. Ha, I make it sound easily, don't I! But I think we're taught we can't change who we are, and that's a terrible fallacy. We can change as soon as we decide to. Just remember that you are choosing...

late night lessons

Driving to Taco Hell tonight I saw the homeless guy that is normally on my corner on a different corner. I felt sorry for him, having to ask for money at 10:30 at night. Then I realized how silly that was. I can't feel sorry for someone I have yet to give money to. Sorry doesn't help anything, so if I truly feel badly, I will help. I haven't helped in the past because he seemed drunk half the time, and I passed judgement. Yet it isn't my place to decide what this guy should do. I don't know how anyone else is using the money I give them either.

Every moment of every day we decide who we are going to be in that moment. We are constantly inventing ourselves through our choices, and these homeless people are opportunities to create ourselves every day. Perhaps we will never eradicate homelessness because there will always be people who need to learn a lesson through their existance. I know I learn something new all the time. For instance, the other day I gave a man some change and chatted with him. He seemed very excited to talk to someone, and I got to hear a cool story. It turns out he has a friend who is heading to Austin who did 3 tours in Vietnam, which always impresses me. Apparently this guy is pretty badass and got him out of a potential brawl in New Orleans. All this game up because I was wearing cammie pants and he asked if I was in the military. Since I was in the Marines he figured I knew some badass moves, and thus the story of his friend. Now the cutest thing, beyond his story, was he ran in front of my car and made the sign of the cross and appeared to bless or do a protection type spell. I was like, awww...that's so sweet! I'm pretty sure he would have done that even if I hadn't given him my 75 cents, because conversation can be more valuable than money some days. Remember that...

The path to mastery begins with consciously choosing who you are in every moment. Or is that simply mastery? lol, hmm...

nomination

Wow, so I just opened my email, and it seems I've been nominated "as one of the Blogs by Women Favorite blogs in the Philosophy & Religion Category for the Week Ending 4/17/2005!" How unexpected! That means someone actually read my blog and thought I said something worthwhile! hahaha! All joking aside, it's great that someone thought I had something useful to say, since that was the whole point of starting this blog in the first place.
So, to whoever nominated me, thank you. I don't know what I said that touched you, but I'm glad I did. Not because of this nomination, but because connection is why we exist as human beings. We live our lives contantly trying to connect, to people, to nature, to the universe, to whatever spirits or gods we believe in. So just keep connecting.
Oh, and visit the nominations page to check out the other nominees and vote! blogs by women

first swim

first swim of the year
april 15
unheated pool
outside
what?!
amazing
in wisconsin
no one swims before may
it can still snow in april
or even june
and i just swam
well, walked around
in april
ok, it was chilly
but warm enough
and freeing
saving my inner child
from certain death
by research
while my feet are still cold
my spirit is warm
and i'm happy
my stress washed away
in a small pool in austin
sometimes, texas can be
beneficial

children

I seem to be on a kids kick lately, which I blame on Rosie. And the neighborhood children. And my friend's kids. I guess kids are just everywhere right now. But it's Rosie's blog that makes me think most of all.

Today, reading the way children can push issues, ask questions, and never realize the emotional baggage that goes with it, makes me wonder how it will be for us. We know we'll adopt children, even if we're able to have a child, which depends on carrie's health. I'd like to adopt at least 2 kids, preferably siblings because they're harder to place. And we don't plan to adopt a baby. But at some point we're going to have to deal with questions like those shared by Rosie today.

To be honest, reading it brought up fears that children want to meet their birth mother before they are old enough to understand. It's that fear of losing the children you worked to hard to raise, but because you aren't the birth parent you are somehow less. It isn't really true, a good parent is a good parent, whether or not they have any blood relation to a child, but it's still a fear.

Especially since I will never have a child. I'm just not meant for that. In my dreams I acquire children, never have them, and I know I received them by some adoptive type means.

Even if Carrie has a child, unless they have worked out the ability to take my dna and merge it with hers in an egg, I will still have no biological connection to it. I'll really need to focus on releasing my own issues and just love it. Wow...it's a good thing I have a few years before we even think of fostering or adopting. It feels like a huge issue right now...insecurity, trust, love. Big, big issues that I need to tackle.

I will not be one of those uninvolved or overinvolved parents. That is my goal.

fucking sexist kids

I really hate some people sometimes...

Quote: I know a really sexy drummer chick. I hate butchy drum chicks tho. I also hate annoying nub drummers that think they are the shit and cant even keep a straight 4 count beat. Endquote.

Since when are women who play drums meant for your visual enjoyment? People play an instrument because they like it, and they can express themself, not so you can get off watching. The world doesn't revolve around your 17 year old white boy ass! Do you judge male drummers on their looks? How a person looks has no affect at all on how well they play. A good drummer is a good drummer, period.

What's more sad to me is all the girls that play to this bullshit. You do not have to play this game! If that's the only way to get a guy, they're worthless! Just be good, people will respect that in the end. If you lose a few shallow pricks along the way, who cares! I can't even count how many times I see this crap happen. A guy shows up in a girl drummers forum or something similar and says ______ are hot!
And I'm like, really? Fuck you. Your perverted little version of _____ is what you think is hot, not reality. Now get the fuck out of my space! But there will always be girls that are 'oooh, I think _______ guys are hott' (and of course they mispell it) or thanks! blah blah blah. These people don't know you! They have no idea if you're really hot, and you have no idea if they're not some creep. It's just stupid! Why play these games, they're all complete lies! I hate lies! Tell the truth for once. How about having a discussion that doesn't involve someone chiming in "I think girl drummers are hot" whatever dude! Grow up and lets talk about something actually important.

It's just sad...so sad.

Rescuing turtles

Today I was quite surprised to see a turtle in the landscaping bed of our building! It was pretty large, about 8-10 inches wide, which is good size for the turtles around here. It seemed to be digging a hole, probably to lay eggs, but the location was terrible! The problem is all the kids around. There's no way they'd leave the eggs alone, and I'm sure they would be destroyed. I picked up the turtle, carefully, and set it under our little bridge so it could go somewhere else. By the time I walked 10 feet it had popped it's head out and jumped back into the stream. I just hope it finds a more suitable place to lay eggs, if that's what it was doing.

It's sad that I can't trust the neighborhood children, but they've proven themselves not friendly to wild animals. For instance, one day I came home and they were shooting rocks and water at the bees pollenating the tree out front. Just this week the six year old killed a small snake. He was proud of himself too! It just makes me sad. I've never liked killing things, and that dislike has grown as I've grown more aware of life. These children have no idea. I just don't think it's natural for six year olds to even think of killing a snake, much less do it with no one around to encourage them or tell. He did it all on his own. It's just sad. How do we raise children that don't have the urge to kill things smaller than they are? I need to figure this out before we have children. Especially since Carrie keeps having dreams that we have a boy. I don't believe there are many intrinsic differences between genders, but society is pretty good about telling boys to be 'manly' and kill animals. I don't want that. I need to instill compassion. Maybe I can figure out how to start with these neighborhood children...

judgement day

Tomorrow I discuss with the professor I've been doing research for whether or not he's willing to pay me this summer. This is huge. If I do not get a paid research assistant position, we have zero income for the summer. That would mean I would go to the temp agency and work in some factory, praying I make enough money to pay rent and bills...definately scary. But, if he does pay me, that means I have income, plus I can take out student loans that will balance out the extra money we've spent visiting Carrie's dad, who by the way is still too stubborn to die! (not that I want him to die, but it's inevitable, and he's suffering so much, I want him to have peace finally.)

Tonight and tomorrow I'm doing nothing but research. Well, research and swimming and watching the OC. Lol, but those other two only take up 2 hours out of the next 24. I know I can do well though, I have to. I will work my ass off so I can get paid this summer. What choice do I have?

And in new developments, just to show how brilliant UT can be...Plasma physics I is not offered in the fall...or the spring. However, plasma physics II is offered this spring and next spring. How does that work? Who will take plasma II next spring when they should have taken it this year already? Do I get to take any plasma courses before I qualify?! Sometimes I think that with all those brilliant people around, they become more stupid when it comes to this. It's just dumb. Maybe it's a typo?

So anyone who reads this before friday at 3, think positive thoughts for me getting this job. Thanks!

simple pleasures

finishing one half of one third of a homework problem (sometimes that's all you can ask for with jackson em)

Watching zebra danios play tag, follow the leader, hide and seek, I swear, they play these games all the time! It's hilarious!

Watching my oldest cat perk up at a treat

watching my youngest cat run away from small children

hearing a 12 year old say "do you want to see me become mr. pain?!"

friends randomly calling and stopping by just to hang out

Just a few fun and random things for today. I have to focus on the small pleasures or I'd be swamped by everything else in life right now.

waiting on hold

I've been on hold for just over 2 hours. Yes, 2 hours! I'm trying to talk to an actual person at MAP, so that we could possibly get in to do the screening before carrie's knee just falls completely apart. This is the most insane thing I've ever seen. People wait on hold for over 2 hours, just to be screened? Yet again, if she were homeless she could walk in to a place and get a card. How does that work? Why can't other people just walk in and wait all day to get screened? I'd do it at this point. Sure, waste a day but at least it's done. We're just waiting, and waiting, for nothing! So much bullshit. and texas wants to make everything a call center, so you'll never get to talk to people. This clearly does not work! grr...stupid crap. I just want to help carrie...why won't anyone help me help her? Or just help her! lol, that works too. I have to go to class...I mean, who knows. I could stay on hold for more hours, miss class, and get nowhere. Or I could hang up right before someone would finally pick up. I hate having to make decisions like this. Three more minutes, and then I'm off. Someone please pickup...

medical care is a joke

A few numbers for you:
28 - the number of days since carrie first went to the hospital for her knee

6 - the number of muscles in the knee (according to her chiropractor)

3 - the number of muscles that carrie has probably tore in her knee

3 - the number of times we have called MAP, left a message, and waited for anyone to call us back to set up an eligability screening so we could see an appointment

2 - the number of people I've contacted outside of the eligability phone number to try to get some help

0 - the number of doctor's/medical professionals willing to help us so she can see a doctor

countless - the number of times this makes me want to scream!

Why doesn't anyone call us back? What the hell is going on with this system? If she was homeless she could just walk right in, but since we happen to have a home, nothing. Her knee is NOT improving...that is a very bad sign. If it were a sprain, she would show improvement by now. We know because she's done it so many times. But now, a serious injury, and nothing. We can't get an appointment until she is MAP eligible. She can't get the screening until someone from the fucking office calls us back! I've sat on hold with them for an hour between two different calls and still never got to a person. I tried calling the patient line, and only get an answering machine there also. I fucking hate these people!!!!!! No one cares. If they did, they would call back. Or let her make an appointment without the fucking screening! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Just once, I'd like to see someone treat my wife with respect. She is not a junkie, she is certainly not faking it, she just doesn't have a job. You try to get a job when you have half a knee and know skills besides working fast food. She's not stupid, just give her a fucking chance! We're doing everything we're supposed to. We haven't filed for food stamps or anything else, we're simply budgeting our income, which is not a lot. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking graduate students make money. It's all about the loans. This summer, hopefully carrie will start her recording school, but that all depends on how much loans I get back and whether she is physically up to the task of riding the busses to north austin and walking a bit for the days I can't drive her. But she will do it, at least in the fall. We're both doing what we need to survive and prepare a future that will allow us to have children and help the world. When will the world help us. When?!

I know I should replace this thought with something else, in order to release this anger, but it's this anger that reminds me to do something. I just don't know what to do beyond what I have done. I feel so helpless when this shit happens...what do you do in a self-suffienct culture when you finally need somebody but don't have the money to buy services? This is such a fucked up culture...when can we move to canada?

formerlyROSIE

formerlyROSIE

Last night we watched the 20/20 interview with Rosie and Kelly. It was very interesting, especially since I've never really seen Kelly talk before. She doesn't do many interviews, and I clearly don't pay enough attention! The interview was quite enlightening though, for me, to see how they function as a couple. I still can't imagine raising four children, but it seems to work well for them. It's also scary to see how big the kids are since we last saw them on Rosie's talk show.

I've read Rosie's blog before, but completely forgot about it in the hustle and bustle of school. Last night i spent quite a while catching up, which is an experience. Check it out and you'll see the free-form writing style she uses, which, as we're reminded multiple times, is not poetry! I think it's great, more like thoughts exactly as they come to her. Some people think in complete sentences, others in fragments, just big enough to get the point across. I could be totally wrong, but I still think it's amazing. Probably because I'm the complete sentence type of person, mostly, and I find it hard to leave my own rules and habits to allow myself the freedom free-form allows. Even in my creative writings I can get stuck in the number of syllables and lines, even if I think something else should be done. It can be very hard to undo what the schools have done.

As for Rosie, some people are more pissed off than ever about what she is writing, but I've never been more impressed and amused. There's nothing like total honesty to make me pay attention. The people in life I most appreciate are those who live as honestly as possible: Melissa Etheridge, Rosie, Ellis...and more that I can't think of because I only woke up recently. They're shining examples of how I wish to live my life, once I finally give up fear and embrace honesty.

So here's a big thank you to Rosie, and all those other individuals brave enough to say what they want, live as they want, in spite of what others say.

Buddhism

Last night, after a bit of prodding, I finally went to the Buddhism class held at Casa de Luz. I was hesitant because it is a 2 hour class, and I didn't want to commit to 2 hours. Also, I didn't know how many people would be there, what was going to happen...basically I have issues with starting new things all by myself. However, I'm quite glad I went. First we learned Chan meditation. There is a hand position that I don't remember the name of, but it's interesting. Then we sit in half or full lotus, or in my case, dreaming of the lotus because I'm inflexible. We use counting breath technique to focus our minds, which is nice. It's actually different than the way I had previously learned it. You don't count each breath, you count how long each breath is, so you have multiple numbers in each breath. While not easy, it is effective. By the end my hips were in much pain, along with my feet for having supported my legs. That is what makes meditation difficult for me, the painful positions. They say it gets better after a week or so of practicing, but it's hard to believe them at this point!

After meditation we had a short break, and then listened to the master speak. It was very difficult to understand his point sometimes, mostly due to his lack of english which limited his vocabulary. Basically, the point was that to control your emotions, you must control your mind and thoughts. You don't have to worry about releasing negative thoughts, simply replace them with something else. He used a great analogy. If you are holding a cup, and you want to put it down, zen buddhism doesn't teach you how to put it down. Instead they teach you to pick up a watch. In the act of picking up the watch you already put the cup down, without worrying about how to actually do that. Brilliant! I've spent so much time worrying about how to release things, but haven't paid attention to something I've sort of figured out already. Just replace what you don't want with something more desireable. I already do that with songs, because I have a terrible trouble with songs being stuck in my head until I explode. So I found a song that once started would continue to play, but was a better song, and one that tended to fade away because I knew it so well. It works like a charm! Also, I've been reading that if you are angry, choose love, because you can't hate someone and love them at the same time if you truly embrace love. It's the same thing! Though that one is a bit more difficult than switching songs in my head... But if you control your thoughts, you control your mind, you control your life.

During the last part we read a Koan, about wild ducks. Well, not really about wild ducks, more about awareness, and living in the present, I think! Koans are notorious for being difficult to understand, but when you do it's a huge aha! moment. I still don't know what the right answer is, but I'm pretty sure now that the point was being aware. Lol, good thing they gave us a whole book of Koans by the master, so I can be this confused anytime I want!

The other aspect I really liked is that he stressed that you do not have to believe in Buddha to become a Buddha. Buddha merely showed us an example of how to attain enlightenment. Sounds like another religious figure I know...hmm..maybe Jesus! or Muhammed! Or...(insert any religious figure here)! I tried to explain that concept to a friend last night, and she wasn't really buying it. That's a realization that can take a lot of time to see, because it takes so long to unlearn everything we've been taught. I think she'll get it in time though.

Wow, I haven't had this much to say in a while. It's a good thing I realized the other day I hadn't stopped to take much of a breath in a few weeks due to school. Now I can do research all day and be relaxed, and continue my focus and relaxation until the semester ends in a month. But for now, time for a shower and breakfast! Thanks for listening, and tune in next time for "rants with jax" goodbye. click.

Haircut

It's amazing how much a haircut can change my mood. Everytime I cut my hair I feel renewed and ready to do whatever task I need to do. It's so wierd. Haircut=do homework better. Hmm...however, I will not complain. Today I got so down after over 5 hours of solid research just for mathematica to start screwing up. The kernel in that program is just horrific! I'm back at it again, and it's working better, but there's still so much to do. What scares me is that I haven't started EM, which is due monday and only one question has a solution online. This might be a low homework grade for me, I don't know. But I need to have significant progress for my meeting on monday. At least yesterday was basically a day off as far as thinking goes. This will probably be the rest of my semester: bust ass until friday, take the night off, bust ass all day saturday, and most of sunday until the L word. At least it's one day off...And it's only for another month. I can do it...really...

The song, after first real edit

I have to admit, writing is very difficult for me. Even if I have a rough finished product, editing is slow and painstaking. Thankfully my wife is more than willing to pick things apart and let me know where she doesn't think they work. More often than not she dislikes the same section that I do. So after a day of editing I have a new draft. We both agree that the first verse needs a complete rewrite, but I'm keeping it in there for now until I think of something else. Also, I'm thinking a bridge will help in the middle rather than another chorus, but that's in the planning stages. So without further ado, edit number 1.

Walking the gauntlet of tables and flyers
Advertising groups, parties, ideas…
I move quickly, without looking
Trying to avoid what they are selling

Suddenly a flyer invades my space
Fuck, I’m seen but keep my pace
I take the flyer and shove it in my pocket
Wishing I had the balls to avoid it

Is there anyone left who hasn’t heard?
Do you really need to pass the word?
Is there anyone left who hasn’t heard?
Do you really need to pass the word?

A safe distance away I pull it out
Another flyer reminding me of sin
And how close hell is if I don’t repent
Laughing I find the nearest recycling bin

As time goes by, flyers mature
Becoming posters of written word
The road to hell is easy and wide
How else could I enjoy the ride?

Is there anyone left who hasn’t heard?
Do you really need to pass the word?
Is there anyone left who hasn’t heard?
Do you really need to pass the word?

I don’t believe in the hell you sell
But I believe in the state of mind
And all the trees that you kill to tell
Say more to me than you ever will

So excuse me as I blow you off
Walking quickly as you try to talk
You don’t want to hear what I have to say
Or understand what I believe anyway

Is there anyone left who hasn’t heard?
Do you really need to pass the word?
Is there anyone left who hasn’t heard?
Do you really need to pass the word?

1 April, 2005 Jackie Meyer