chart updates

--- Jackie Meyer wrote:

> Wow, thanks so much. I'm going to go through this
> step by step, figure
> that's the easiest. By the way, I knew this stuff
> was detailed, but not
> soooo detailed! haha
>
> On 5/30/05, MB wrote:
> >
> > Hi Jackie, I just did your chart. Okay firstly you
> > have your Moon in Gemini in the 12th house. This
> right
> > there tells me you try to find meaning to why
> things
> > happen, and why the world is the way it is.
>
> This is true. Part of the reason I became a
> physicist, and why I'm
> constantly reading.
>
> But since
> > the Moon represents emotions and its in the 12th
> > house, you feel emotionally isolated from the rest
> of
> > the world, true?
>
> I think so. For much of my life I was disconnected
> from my emotions, well,
> disconnected from people, and I've never been
> comfortable sharing my
> emotions. I often feel misunderstood when I speak,
> because so many things I
> just feel and don't have logical words for it, is
> this the type of thing you
> are talking about?


Well it sure sounds like that is what it means :)

>
> And your Moon is squaring Saturn
> > which makes me think you have many times you are
> > depressed. I have the same aspect and its
> miserable, I
> > know. Do you suffer from depression of any kind?
>
> I sometimes get into a random funk, but I've never
> been truly depressed I
> don't think. Even my mom said I had teen angst, but
> not depression like we
> think of. However, I was teaching karate in my teen
> years, and had some very
> positive friends once I hit high school so I think
> that helped. Also, I've
> always had this thing against suicide, which I think
> kept me away from
> getting too depressed. Like I wouldn't let myself
> get too depressed. And I
> kept a journal that allowed me to put out some
> things, even though it was
> rarely anything important. But I could use my
> journal as an outlet since I
> didn't feel comfortable sharing with people.


We also go through transits all the time, and the
transiting planets can shape that up too a bit but
what is in your natal chart is your basic nature. I
have this thing against suicide too. We chose to live
the life we are living, we chose it before being
brought into the world. We have a mission, a purpose,
we cant bail out when its not our time, grave
consquenses after can be expected as a result.

>
> You
> > desperately want to find emotional stability in
> > others, and have trouble relating but there is a
> > charitable side to you as well with this
> placement.
>
> I've always been a mentor to people, typically
> online but also offline. I
> rarely share myself emotionally, but I do share
> facts of my life. It's an
> interesting way to share experience but never share
> me. Make sense? lol

I sure know what you are saying

>
> You have a hard time dealing with the cruel world
> and
> > have a constant need to retreat, and someone with
> this
> > placement needs security.
>
> When the elections happened this past year, I shut
> down for days. It was
> strange, I wrote a lot, and eventually came out of
> it. However I've always
> limited my politcal intake, so I could still remain
> positive about the
> world. Otherwise it gets too much.

Understand..
>
> You also have Moon opposing
> > Mercury, Mars and Neptune. Relationships are tough
> for
> > you because of having a hard time settling and
> dealing
> > with conflicts, its hard for you to bring emotions
> > into balance and you even have a hard time
> wondering
> > what is real and what isnt, and can get sucked
> into
> > illusions.
>
> Oh yeah...Reality is a big struggle for me. I don't
> know that it will ever
> not be a struggle, except I should be able to
> improve by tapping in more to
> my divine. And yes, relationships have often been
> difficult with emotions.
> I've gotten a bit better, otherwise my wife would
> have had to kill me. But
> it's really hard, emotions...

Very good with getting better, but yes emotions really
can get into the way, your Moon is unfortunately
afflicted mostly, so yeah you will be dealing with
emotions a lot

>
> Unfortunately your emotions are not secure
> > and have a real tough time, the root of your
> emotional
> > confusion, any depressive feelings you have and
> any
> > emotional problems you have encountered in your
> life
> > are from your afflicted Moon in the 12th. Lets see
> > what else you have. Although your Moon is sextile
> to
> > Jupiter in your 3rd house meaning you are very
> > sympathetic and caring.
>
> This is true, but my ability to be caring is often
> hindered by the image i
> try to show people, of a hardass. It was the person
> I created when I was
> young in order to deal with people around me. I have
> stripped some of that
> away as an adult though.

Well thats good, with age, experience, maturity you
experience it all
>
> You definitely have the
> > ability to succeed and you are a greatful person.
> > Jupiter in your 3rd house, the house of siblings,
> > communication, early education, community and all
> of
> > that means you are the type that likes to be
> educated,
> > you probably have good communication skills, good
> > writing skills, and if you have siblings, usually
> > denotes a good relationship with them but not
> always.
>
> I've always been educationally focused. My
> relationship with my brother is
> complicated, but not terrible. He's
> just...interesting...and difficult to
> deal with sometimes. lol

Ahh I see, lol
>
> But Jupiter is opposing your midheaven meaning you
> > have so much potential but you are afraid to show
> the
> > world what you have to offer.
>
> I've never thought of this before. I have been
> afraid to suceed too much in
> my life. In school I would be harassed for doing too
> well in school. So I
> would try not to show my intelligence, but I
> couldn't help it most of the
> time. I'm thinking this is probably correct, but
> since it's so new I'll have
> to let it sink in a while. How do I go about
> correcting this?

Take it at a step at a time. Stay faithful with
yourself, with your potential, focus on your dreams,
remain spiritual and it will come to you, dont force
anything or else it will backfire
>
> This placement also
> > shows spirituality being very beneficial for you.
>
> I was raised Lutheran, which didn't suit me so
> well. I've spent the years
> since high school searching, dabbling with wicca and
> taoism and buddhism. I
> follow a mix of all of these in my spirituality, and
> I'm actively focusing
> on spirituality now over everything else.

You will find what is right for you in time. I have
been in the same predicament, so I know how
frusterating it is. That is why too there is such as
thing as syncretism

>
> Alright, you have Saturn in your 4th, within 3
> degrees
> > of your 5th house cusp. The 4th house is what
> rules
> > your home life. Did you live under a strict roof?
> Did
> > you have a tough childhood?
>
> No, and no. My parents gave us a ton of room to be
> ourselves, and i had a
> pretty safe and normal childhood. I was allowed to
> do any activity I wanted,
> basically.

Okay well... I was hoping that my initial
interpretation was right :( but...I didnt want to get
to the other meaning of the 4th house, because the 4th
house also relates to old age. You may have things
getting into your way in the future, but... dont focus
on that right now, or you may feel when you are older
that you are somehow restricted, but dont focus on
that at the moment. There are always ways by going
about this if you were to encounter such emotions or a
situation that could be holding you back, as far as
what it could be, I cant say, but you will experience
some kind of restriction
>
> Something having to do
> > with your home life or childhood is affecting you
> > today, especially with Saturn squaring the Moon in
> > your 12th, its like... you cant get something out
> of
> > you that you really want to.
>
> Could this be my issue of once seeming to have
> gifts, and then losing them,
> with no memory of it happening or why? I have many
> gaps in my childhood
> memories, and I've wondered if something happened
> that I've repressed, since I know I have repressed
things (it happened once in my adulthood). It really
bothers me that I have such a lack of connection to
the universe, and I really want that to be strong. I
think that block was put up in childhood.

It could be, in order to remove those blocks you may
have to do several things, find a hypnotist, or even
try to remember, write it down if you remember
something....or if you know how to, meditate pay
attention to dreams you may have

- Show quoted text -

The 5th house is about
children, creativity, entertainment. Saturn is
very
close to this cusp, this makes me think you are
afraid
to use your talents. Well actually I think you
should
use your talents and creativity, and just enjoy
life
because your north node is in this house, the 5th
and
that tells you that you need to concentrate on
YOUR
enjoyment, and not worry so much about everyone
else.


I've learned to do this in the past years actually.
Even in my marriage I focus on keeping myself happy
and that keeps the relationship happy. Of course I
pay attention to her also, but I know if I focus on
her at the expense of myself it won't work anyway. I
think the key to this was when I decided to get out of
the military. It was all for me, and it was a turning
point for me. And I have been slowly using my
creative outlets and actively pursuing them. I'm
often suprised at how well they turn out at random
times. Though creativity is finicky for me.


Well have faith in your creativity because that is
where your north node is

Pluto in your 5th house, hmm have you had a
miscarriage by any chance, this CAN mean that. But
not
always. Also do you have a tendency to overspend
and
overindulge? This placement can indicate that. It
also
shows that if you have kids, they may be very
strong
willed!


No miscarriage, no children, though that'd be
funny...strong willed, as if kids are strong enough
willed! By the way, does that only apply to
physically having children? We plan to adopt, or my
wife will have a child, but I won't. Yes, I do
overspend and overindulge. I'm horrible with money,
but am slowly learning to control those impulses.
That's probably the _expression in my life.

Nope not physically at all! Well Pluto in that house
can indicate miscarriage or sometimes no children, but
not always. If there are children then they are strong
willed. But thats good you are doing better with
money!

You have a stellium in your 6th house, the
house of work, health, service of the Sun, Venus,
Uranus and Mars. You must really focus a lot on
your
work and even keeping yourself healthy. This is
what
this means to have a heavy 6th house.


Just to clarify, does this mean I tend to focus on my
work, or that I need to focus on them? As a child I
was ill often, but once I got into my teens I rarely
got sick. So my health tends to be quite good.

Yes focus on your health and work. Good you are
healthy, stay that way :) Perhaps take vitamins, eat
well, there has to be a reason for a stellium to be in
this house, you are needed for a reason. And you must
stay healthy

Your Mars and
Uranus this house trines your Jupiter in your 3rd.
This means you really enjoy your freedom and hate
anything getting into the way of it, you know what
you
want in that regard which is good.


oh yeah...I'm sooooo into my freedom! Why did I join
the military? lol

Ahh Mars, well aspected, definitely military material
:)

If something is
important to you, you will go for it. However, be
careful, again Venus squaring Jupiter, this can be
an
indication of self indulgance and carelessness.


That makes sense. I can have tunnel vision, which is
what got me to grad school against many odds, but with
smaller things it just causes me to waste money at
times. I'm getting it under control though.

Good for you!

Oh I
forgot to point out that Pluto in your 5th trines
your
Moon in your 12th. Yes it shows you have emotional
issues but you have the STRENTGH to deal with
things,
probably a lot more than you give credit to
yourself
for.


That's good to know :-) I tell others that all the
time actually. lol

And we all can give advice but not take our own! lol

You have Mercury and Neptune in your 7th house,
the house of relationships. You prefer to be with
those who are good communicators, with your Moon
in
Gemini and your ascendant in Gemini also supports
this. You cannot stand ignorance of any kind, no
patience for it, I know how that is, I am the same
way. You need those who are capable of providing
intellectual conversations, who are deep thinkers.



Oh yeah. I've found I don't want boring small talk, I
want to talk about big things and big ideas. And
ignorance drives me insane! I'm trying though,
remembering that not everyone is as evolved as others,
and they're doing the best the can in the moment.

Remember, Mercury RULES you, and this is a big
thing
for you. However with Neptune in this house, you
may
have certain ideas of how a relationship should
be,
and also can be deceived at times by others.


Not sure what this means.

Mercury rules thought, communication, logic,
intelligence even, so now you know :) Well okay, your
ascendant being in Gemini, Mercury is the ruler of
Gemini, therefore it rules you. What you said in the
above paragraph says it all :) You hate ignorance!
Thats Mercurys influence

Neptune
in some cases can be quite malefic. And
unfortunately
in your case it appears to be afflicted by the
Moon
and Saturn. This also can cause depression and
cause
you to find comfort in a fantasy situation, that
is
what these aspects indicate.


I'm pretty sure this is a pattern for me. It
works...but isn't always the best.

However your Neptune and
Mercury are sextile to your midheaven, which means
when you are in tuned, you are also intuitive to
others and what they are doing. But those other
bad
aspects can cloud over that at times.


So if I can control some of these emotional issues and
such, my intuition would improve?

Oh absolutely! You are so capable and its in you. I
have a retrograding Neptune in my 12th house, that is
a huge placement for psychic ability, I have problems
myself with emotional issues that have clouded my
ability, I am trying to get that under control and you
know what, it IS working!


Your midheaven
also trines Pluto which is a good thing, you do
have a
lot of power when it comes to others. You CAN make
yourself heard if necessary. But Venus is quincunx
to
your ascendant which also can be an indication of
issues with self esteem. Am I on the right track
here?


Self esteem has always been weird for me. I tend to
have relatively high self confidence, but definately
have my moments of low self esteem. But at some point
I had to have learned that most people disliked me
because I could do something they couldn't, either in
school or with karate or music, and it wasn't my
fault. So self esteem really only hit with
relationships, when I either doubted a person liked
me, or thought no one would like me. I'm glad I don't
have to worry about that as much any more. It still
pops up with friendships though. I thought it was a
wisconsin thing, that everyone needs to like me.
haha, now I just prefer they don't hate me, I don't
care if they like me.

Well that is what we all want, everyone to like us.
Unfortunately, that doesnt happen. but just know you
are a good person, you never did anything to hurt
anyone (unless by mistake in the past you did, and
believe me i know how that is, but I always apologize
for my actions), but even so and if someone cant get
over it, that is THEIR problem, NOT yours! So just
know you are doing the best you could, and if someone
doesnt like you, screw them! Dont let it influence you
in anyway! And they could be just jealous like you had
hinted! Your self esteem should not be based whether
someone likes you or not, because I am sure more
people will like you than not!

Thanks so much. This has to take a ton of time. By
the way, why do you need to know names when you do
charts? Just curious. Wow, thanks a ton again.

Happy to do it. This is my passion and I only need
names to do numerology charts, not astrology. Sorry
for not specifying! if you need anything, let me know!

My astrological chart

Hi Jackie, I just did your chart. Okay firstly you
have your Moon in Gemini in the 12th house. This right
there tells me you try to find meaning to why things
happen, and why the world is the way it is. But since
the Moon represents emotions and its in the 12th
house, you feel emotionally isolated from the rest of
the world, true?

And your Moon is squaring Saturn
which makes me think you have many times you are
depressed. I have the same aspect and its miserable, I
know. Do you suffer from depression of any kind?

You desperately want to find emotional stability in
others, and have trouble relating but there is a
charitable side to you as well with this placement.
You have a hard time dealing with the cruel world and
have a constant need to retreat, and someone with this
placement needs security.

You also have Moon opposing Mercury, Mars and Neptune. Relationships are tough for you because of having a hard time settling and dealing
with conflicts, its hard for you to bring emotions
into balance and you even have a hard time wondering
what is real and what isnt, and can get sucked into
illusions. Unfortunately your emotions are not secure
and have a real tough time, the root of your emotional
confusion, any depressive feelings you have and any
emotional problems you have encountered in your life
are from your afflicted Moon in the 12th.

Lets see what else you have. Although your Moon is sextile to
Jupiter in your 3rd house meaning you are very
sympathetic and caring. You definitely have the
ability to succeed and you are a greatful person.

Jupiter in your 3rd house, the house of siblings,
communication, early education, community and all of
that means you are the type that likes to be educated,
you probably have good communication skills, good
writing skills, and if you have siblings, usually
denotes a good relationship with them but not always.

But Jupiter is opposing your midheaven meaning you
have so much potential but you are afraid to show the
world what you have to offer. This placement also
shows spirituality being very beneficial for you.

Alright, you have Saturn in your 4th, within 3 degrees
of your 5th house cusp. The 4th house is what rules
your home life. Did you live under a strict roof? Did
you have a tough childhood? Something having to do
with your home life or childhood is affecting you
today, especially with Saturn squaring the Moon in
your 12th, its like... you cant get something out of
you that you really want to.

The 5th house is about children, creativity, entertainment. Saturn is very
close to this cusp, this makes me think you are afraid
to use your talents. Well actually I think you should
use your talents and creativity, and just enjoy life
because your north node is in this house, the 5th and
that tells you that you need to concentrate on YOUR
enjoyment, and not worry so much about everyone else.

Pluto in your 5th house, hmm have you had a
miscarriage by any chance, this CAN mean that. But not
always. Also do you have a tendency to overspend and
overindulge? This placement can indicate that. It also
shows that if you have kids, they may be very strong
willed!

You have a stellium in your 6th house, the
house of work, health, service of the Sun, Venus,
Uranus and Mars. You must really focus a lot on your
work and even keeping yourself healthy. This is what
this means to have a heavy 6th house.

Your Mars and Uranus this house trines your Jupiter in your 3rd.
This means you really enjoy your freedom and hate
anything getting into the way of it, you know what you
want in that regard which is good. If something is
important to you, you will go for it. However, be
careful, again Venus squaring Jupiter, this can be an
indication of self indulgance and carelessness.

Oh I forgot to point out that Pluto in your 5th trines your
Moon in your 12th. Yes it shows you have emotional
issues but you have the STRENTGH to deal with things,
probably a lot more than you give credit to yourself
for.
You have Mercury and Neptune in your 7th house,
the house of relationships. You prefer to be with
those who are good communicators, with your Moon in
Gemini and your ascendant in Gemini also supports
this. You cannot stand ignorance of any kind, no
patience for it, I know how that is, I am the same
way. You need those who are capable of providing
intellectual conversations, who are deep thinkers.

Remember, Mercury RULES you, and this is a big thing
for you. However with Neptune in this house, you may
have certain ideas of how a relationship should be,
and also can be deceived at times by others. Neptune
in some cases can be quite malefic. And unfortunately
in your case it appears to be afflicted by the Moon
and Saturn. This also can cause depression and cause
you to find comfort in a fantasy situation, that is
what these aspects indicate. However your Neptune and
Mercury are sextile to your midheaven, which means
when you are in tuned, you are also intuitive to
others and what they are doing. But those other bad
aspects can cloud over that at times.

Your midheaven also trines Pluto which is a good thing, you do have a
lot of power when it comes to others. You CAN make
yourself heard if necessary. But Venus is quincunx to
your ascendant which also can be an indication of
issues with self esteem. Am I on the right track here?

Awareness Hands

Last night I did this exercise before bed:

Awareness Hands Exercise:
The following exercise demonstrates how energy is raised with awareness hands: Close your eyes and relax, while sitting or lying comfortably. Take both your awareness hands down to your left foot, as if you were grabbing hold of it. Scratch or rub the top of your left foot and wiggle it a bit to highlight it first, to make this exercise easier. Draw your awareness hands through your left foot, to your ankle, and then slowly take them on up through your leg. Feel your whole leg, inside and out, as you move your awareness hands upwards through it. Draw your awareness hands all the way up your shin, through your knee, up through your thigh and on up to your hip. When you get to your hip, flick your awareness hands instantly back to your toes again and repeat the upwards stroking, energy raising action. Do NOT stroke your awareness back down your leg. Repeat this action over and over, taking several seconds per stroke, feeling the whole of your leg each time. This action forces energy to flow into your foot and up through your leg. You may feel some peculiar sensations as you do this, like tingling, buzzing, warmth, cold, pressure, heaviness, or even a bonedeep tickling. These sensations can be unbelievably strong in some people.
Repeat the above exercise with your right leg.

With my awareness hands I visualized a massaging of sorts, circling my foot or leg, working my way up to my hips. It worked pretty well. I could easily keep track of where I had gone with the energy, though I ran into a problem on my left leg (the first one i tried). Just above my knee I lost my focus a bit and the energy started slipping. and it kept slipping, the more I tried to get below it and push it back up lol, it was actually kind of funny. Like people tracking to grab a greased pig. So instead of trying to get below it I stayed just above and pulled the energy up until it caught up with me. Sort of...lol, hard to describe. I did finally make it to my hip, and then tried to do it a little faster which worked. Then I switched to my right leg. It went smoothly, which was good. But it was funny because my upper thigh started to tickle sort of...i know the sensation, but can't describe it well. So that was kind of annoying, but i know it's good. I just had to shake off the feeling a bit so I could sleep. Also, in light of yesterdays energy blockages, I focused a little extra on getting energy to those areas. I need to read more from the website though, because there is specific information on removing blockages somewhere.

In any case, this was a fun little experience that I haven't done in a while. Visualizing hands definately made things a bit easier. It's rather useful.

Tactile Imaging experiment

This is from astraldynamics.com

Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The best way to learn Tactile Imaging is by doing it. Rest your hands comfortably in your lap, or on the arms of your chair, palms down and fingers slightly spread. Close your eyes and relax, then shift your point of body awareness to the base of your right thumb, topside. There is an important secondary energy centre (small Chakra) in each of the thumb joints, and you are now going to stimulate one of them. Most people will feel one of their thumb centres activate noticeably the first time they work on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The area to be worked on first is on top of the large joint where the thumb joins the right hand. If you have trouble locating this joint (the second joint in from the thumbnail) flex your thumb while pressing this joint between your other fingers until you can feel it. Lightly scratch a circular area clockwise on top of the thumb joint, approximately half an inch (1.5cm) across, to highlight it with your awareness. Slowly trace a fingertip around this same circular path while following this touch with your point of awareness. That point of touch must become your point of awareness. Continue following this action until you can remember the exact feel of this circular movement, and can recreate this action with your point of awareness alone.
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Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feel the tingling target area on top of your thumb joint with your point of awareness. Recreate and feel this circular action inside your skin. Move your point of awareness in a small clockwise circle in that area, as if you were stirring it with an imaginary pencil or awareness fingertip. Concentrate and feel this action, continuing the motion with your point of awareness alone. Keep stirring this centre around and around with one or two circling actions per second. After a short time this action will gain its own momentum. It will then become almost automatic and take very little effort to continue.
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Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a while (anything from a few seconds to a few minutes during a first attempt) you should begin feeling a slight localized heaviness or pressure, or a tingling, buzzing or bonedeep tickling or fuzzy sensation in your thumb joint and thumb. This sensation indicates the energy centre there has been successfully stimulated into increased activity. Once you feel this, immediately move onto the next exercise. If you feel nothing after trying for a few minutes, move onto the next exercise anyway.
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Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Change the awareness action and move your point of awareness in a straight brushing action, up and down along the top of your right thumb, from just below the joint to just above the nail tip. Move your point of awareness continually back and forth through this area. You are now stimulating your entire thumb, including all the small energy centres within it. Feel this brushing action through the whole of your thumb as you do it. The sensations you may have felt earlier will intensify and spread throughout the whole of your thumb as you do this, as more and more small energy centres there are stimulated into increased activity.
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Pyro sent me a link to this website, and I began reading through the NEW (new energy ways) tonight. I tried this tactile imagine, described above. It was quite interesting. I didn't even need to touch the thumbs to stimulate them. It came very easily, both the circles and the sweeping along the thumb. However, I tried doing the same thing to my big toe, as recommended. I found even with rubbing my toes it was very very slow and difficult to feel anything where they meet the foot. When I moved to sweeping my right foot only stayed stimulated at the tip. I believe this is because there is a blockage at the location I broke my toe in last year. In my left toe it was the opposite. It felt like the energy couldn't reach the tip of my toe. Very interesting. I plan to try this again and see if it improves with practice.

So far I love the approach this guy uses. I haven't gotten very far, but it makes sense. He warns against trying to fill higher chakras without starting with lower energy points. For instance, if we try to put energy directly into the third eye we can throw ourselves out of balance. We deplete our energy storage and tire. But if we work on all the connections the energy will flow easily and we'll progress faster without depleting our energy stores. It makes a lot of sense to me. And while this is faster overal, it is not a shortcut. Just wanted to make that clear :-)

vision

I apologize for the lack of updating. I've kept myself quite busy with a student. I'll have to write up the experience later because it's been interesting. I've also been spending a lot of time reading the posts on the indigo adults yahoo group. It's opened my mind up to some new possibilities, though I'm not sure all of them are things I believe or understand. All of these experiences are leading me towards working on my own abilities again. Hell, I need to have some way to relate to my student if nothing else! And I need to conquer my fear.

Last night I was lying down, just trying to relax so I could sleep when out of the blue (or black I guess) I saw a short vision. It was first of a big stone wall. Initially I thought the great wall of china, then as I continue to watch it was like I was panning very slowly down. The wall turned into a bridge that crossed a river, and then turned into a castle. Granted, my mind may have distorted what the vision was because my initial thought was great wall. I'm not sure if i thought castle once i saw more or once i thought more. In any case I don't think it matters much because that's all there was to it. No people, just a place. Actually, both places may have been accurate. But it truly was a vision in the sense that I wasn't looking for anything, just lying there and my eyes 'snapped' to this visual, though my eyes were closed. It was interesting.

Last night must have been a real open night, because once I woke up with a start, thought I saw someone in the room. Turns out it was just the exercise bike lol. But, Carrie said where'd they go? I was confused, I thought she meant our cat Monkey, so I said he got up and left. She said no, there were three of us. I asked who. apparently there was another woman in the room, and she answered all of carrie's questions. She was quite pleased at this, though I don't know if she'll remember that today. I wasn't scared for once, because carrie had such peace in her voice. Too bad she couldn't maintain it, because as the night went on she woke up scared a few more times. I wish I knew what was going on and how to help.

And yet anothe thing to address, so far everyone woman I have asked has had their monthly cycle messed up in some way. They've gone from regular to irregular, irregular to regular, early to late, etc. All for the past 3 months. What happened around 3 months ago? The lunar eclipse. Funny huh? The women at the indigo board pointed out that. It allowed me to also realized that the last time I got bad cramps was during the solar eclipse. Quite literally during. I almost couldn't drive home I was getting so sick. It actually sucked because I didn't get to watch it. Now I understand how powerful the influence of the sun and moon are over our systems. Is there any way to negate that, to balance out the imbalances that are caused? I don't honestly care that I bleed during the full moon, hell, makes it easier to remember. But the cramping during the solar eclipse, not something I want to go through again.

Well, I think that's a good update for now. Better get some food in me and get moving. Wasted too much time lately and we have lots of things to catch up around here. Besides, it's about time to start working out and studying for classes next week. yay school...

booklist

Books that have helped me on my journey

The Star Wars books – I personally have read the books that come after the original movies, and really enjoy the New Jedi Order books, and also highly recommend the Jedi Apprentice series.

Dan Millman:
Way of the Peaceful Warrior (ISBN: 091581189
No Ordinary Moments (0915811405)
Everyday Enlightenment (0446522791)

I recommend all of his books, however these were personal favorites of mine.

Neale Donald Walsch:
Conversations with God: Book 1 (0399142789)
Conversations with God: Book 2 (1571744002)
Conversations with God: Book 3 (1571744010)
Communion with God (0399146709)
Friendship with God (0399145419)
Tomorrow’s God (0743456955)
What God Wants (0743267133)

These books have made a huge impact on my spiritual outlook, as they resonated deeply with me. These are not books about religion, but the true nature of god, which also provides great insight into the force as they are one and the same to me.

Benjamin Hoff:
The Tao of Pooh (0140067477)

This is a good introduction to the concepts of taoism. I used this book to teach Taoism to a class of college students and it seemed to work pretty well to open them up to a foreign concept. Definitely an entertaining book.

Harriet Beinfield:
Between heaven and earth: a guide to Chinese medicine (0345359437

This is an excellent reference for delving into Chinese medicine.

Bob Flaws:
The Tao of Healthy Eating (0936185929)

This teaches the basics of healthy eating from the Chinese perspective. Quite helpful, though like all books needs to be applied to be helpful :-)

Will Johnson:
Aligned, Relaxed, Resilient (1570625182)
Helps to teach the physical sensations of mindfulness, which can be a great help in meditation.

William Reed:
Ki: A Practical Guide for Westerners (087040640x)

This book has an aikido focus, but is useful for those who never study a martial art. Includes applications of mindfulness to calligraphy and the game Go. Definately an interesting read for those who want to learn ki cultivation in life.

Ilza Veith:
The Yellow Emperor's Classic of Internal Medicine (0520021584)

This is the book on chinese medicine. This is the oldest known documentation on chinese medicine, but is still entertaining. It's not necessarily an intro book, but a fascinating read, especially for those with a true interest in the healing arts.

Qingshan Liu:
Chinese Fitness: A Mind/Body Approach

This is the easiest introduction to qigong that comes in print form, in my opinion. Of course, videos or classes are better, but we don't always have those resources available.

another contribution to JRA

On Love
By Jax

One of the biggest misconceptions about the Jedi is that we are not allowed to be in loving relationships. While this was true of Lucas’s creative vision of the Jedi, this does not mean it is a good idea for most people. While there are a few spiritual traditions that teach celibacy as the only way to reach enlightenment, there are others who advocate the opposite of embracing sexuality as the highest spiritual expression. As always there are no clear cut answers.

Humans are emotional beings. We communicate, truly communicate, not through words, but through emotions and body language. How many times have you noticed that words do not describe an experience accurately, especially when it affects you deeply? Language is inherently limited. How do you feel when you know your words are not being understood? If you are anything like me, you find the experience frustrating. This is because humans have a deep need to connect to others around them. We connect by understanding others, sharing a moment together. It is through these connections that we truly experience ourselves.

How so? Well, imagine you are locked in an isolated room, completely silent, solid white, with no way to distinguish one wall from the next. First you may lose sense of the room, where it ends and begins, which way is which. In time, you begin to lose sense of yourself, because you have nothing to compare yourself to anymore, besides the room. Short of knowing you aren’t a room, who or what are you? It becomes impossible to know because you do not experience yourself as anything except not a wall. However, if you were released from this room, you would immediately begin to find yourself again, having a myriad of things to compare yourself to. So interacting and connecting to other people is a way of finding and defining ourselves.

In my experience, finding a person to connect with on a long term basis, possibly for a lifetime, is the ultimate experience in the self. While I knew many things about myself before meeting my wife, it was only through my relationship with her that I really started to see. For instance, issues with jealousy and fear of loss cannot show up until you have someone to lose and be jealous of! Also, you learn selflessness on a new level, learning to take into account someone else’s desires in addition to your own. The other thing I have found is that she grounds me to reality. She has helped me work through so many of my own issues, simply because I knew she was here if I needed her. I truly feel as if we were meant to find each other in this life and travel this path together. Otherwise how could we possibly have worked for this long considering how different we are?!

An important thing to remember about relationships is that they do not work without honesty. If you are with someone who you don’t feel comfortable sharing your Jedi life with, then you are not in an honest relationship. My wife may not share my views and beliefs on everything, but she gives me the room to grow and believe what I wish. I afford her the same courtesy. If both individuals in a relationship do not feel free to grow, the relationship is doomed to fail. However, a relationship that allows growth and encourages honesty is well on its way to being strong and healthy. Granted, not all relationships are meant to last lifetimes. Remember that each connection we make happens at the time we needed it, and lasts as long as we need it. Sometimes people come into our lives for moments, others for many lifetimes. If you live in the moment you can enjoy each one no matter how long and learn.

Recent contributions to JRA library

How do I view the Force?
By Jax

I have a fairly simplistic view of the Force. The Force is everything that exists. Everything. It is, in its simplest form, energy. We can tap into this limitless energy because we are not separate from the Force. How can we be separate from something that encompasses everything?

The Force does not have a will beyond that which we give it. Some people will not like this idea, but that does not make it less true. If the Force had a will, what stops it from exercising its will on the universe? How could something happen that is against the will of the Force? What does this mean to those people who have given themselves over to the will of the Force? The Force is made up of everything that exists. When you give yourself over to the will of the Force you have left yourself at the mercy of the predominant thought in the universe. The most dominant thoughts will be those closest to you, which are yours. You have in effect given yourself over to your will, but you have not realized it. But, you have also given yourself over to the will of everyone else around you, which may be the exact opposite of your direction. This can lead to great conflict and confusion in life. Realizing the Force does not have a will however can clear this up. Understanding that your life is created by you gives you power and freedom. You choose your life, in every moment, so choose consciously and wisely.

That having been said, we can still use the Force for guidance. We use meditation and other techniques to tap into the vast amount of information present in the universe. Some people see into the future, others the past. Sometimes we just want to know answers to those universal questions of life. We can simply ask, and often times find the answer presented to us, in many different ways. Many of us have forgotten how to do this, though in time, with practice, anyone can learn.

I personally find the idea of the Force being there, but not interfering in my life, rather freeing. I know that my life is my choice, and that whatever I choose is ok. Because of this I try to choose consciously how I live my life, in all moments, rather than letting others choose for me. I hope the same for everyone around me. The Force will always be with you, and you will always be with the Force. Enjoy exploring and experiencing it.

cycles

I've noticed that for the third month in a row my menstrual cycle has lined up with the full moon. I wish I'd noticed when exactly this started, but it's interesting anyway. Did this happen because I've been more in tuned with the universe? Or is it just coincidence that I'm lining up and will eventually be out of sync later. I'm also trying to figure out how this affects me, whether it makes things easier or more uncomfortable, or perhaps it stabilizes my energy. Unfortunately it seems like it makes my energy more unstable but it's hard to know. Eventually I'll figure it out I'm sure though.

Torn

It's very hard sometimes to admire a person's writing, and disagree with their personal viewpoints. I just read the latest in the Ender's Game series by Orson Scott Card, Shadow of the Giant. The book was excellent, like all of the books in the series. The way he deals with politics and relationships just fascinates me. However, I'm always suprised by his personal beliefs that I don't really pick up on within his writing. He is an LDS member, conservative, and not for gay rights. I don't want to say anti-gay, because I'm not sure he's anti-people, but definately not for gay marriage. And that's disappointing to me. A man so intelligent, who really has to see relationships and people in order to write them so well, yet he can't get past his own religion. I guess it just shows how even the most genius of people can get stuck in religious ideas that seem to contradict themselves.

I don't want to sound judgemental...it really just makes me sad. However, I have a feeling I could still get along with him if I knew him. I've learned in the past few years that not all conservatives are idiots lol! But it's hard...I respect this man's writing so much, I devour a book in a day, and then visit his website and realize he is so different than what I expected. Sometimes more information is not a good thing in life...ignorance probably would have been bliss. At least I won't run my mouth about anything except the quality of his books since I know a little more of his beliefs. Though even now I feel like I'm putting my foot in my mouth just a bit. Eventually I might make sense or at least peace with this information. Until then, I'll just stick to his books.

childhood memory

Lying in bed, I would close my eyes and look. I could see through the darkness, as if looking through a long tunnel into the distance. At the end of the tunnel was a civilization. I never got close to enough to see details, but I watched anyway. Just observed. When did I start doing this, and why? Where was I going? I was not dreaming, of that I'm certain. I can no longer remember exactly what I saw...but I remember the experience. I remember feeling that only I could see this place, which made it more fun. What I don't remember is when I stopped, or why. Why did I lose an ability for seemingly no reason? Am I just overthinking? Probably, because I'm quite good at it. But I'd like to return to this place again...perhaps I can learn, or simply observe again. I just have to remember...

Support Kraft Foods

Support Kraft Foods

Well, the religious freaks are at it again. They want to boycott craft foods (but how will they make grilled cheese sandwhiches...) because they're a financial supporter of the gay games in 2006. Not because they're sponsoring gay athletes in the olympics where straight people could be exposed to the evils of homosexuality, the gay games. Our games, which should not have any of those homophobes at anyway. Tell me how this affects them? They just can't leave stuff alone that they have no business messing with. It's insane. Way to go kraft...now just don't backout because a few people are trying to boycott. I'm sure they'll stop once they're kids bitch about their cheese tasting wrong. Hmmm...that wasn't very nice. Oh well...Fuck them. Let them boycott, it's their right. I can just think they're stupid for believing all of their anti gay propoganda, cause that's my right. ha!

studying, the lack of

Today's final went pretty well I think. If I get a B I'll be disappointed. So we'll have to see. Tomorrow is a whole different situation. I don't know much of anything, I have no idea what the final will be on, and so I am simply not studying. I know, seems counterproductive, but the studying is getting me nowhere. We'll just see how it goes tomorrow and pray for a B. Actually, I'm going to go review my midterm quickly, along with the sheet of equations to memorize for the exam. I can't just not study at all tonight. But tomorrow...I'm done!!!! Woohoo!!!! I've never been so happy for summer vacation. lol, grad school is tough. way too tough...

teenage relationships

Tonight has been an odd one. First I talked to a jedi student who I speak with quite often. She is 15, and quite talented actually. She comes from a very religious family however and has to hide all of her training from them. She's in the midst of a spiritual turning point, made harder by her father being a minister. Talk about fun! However, tonight became a big issue regarding dating. Her father invited over a young man from their church, who happens to be 20. Don't get me started on how wrong I think that is, but anyway. The boy, asks her to go on a walk with him. Her mother accepts for her, which is also quite wrong. Isn't she allowed to make her own decisions? Clearly no. So she goes, after I remind her to breathe and everything. They come back, everythings fine. Then he asks her to a movie tomorrow night with a group of friends. Again her parents are practically accepting for her, rather than letting her decide. Both her parents and the young man are pressuring her into going, but thankfully she stood her ground and said to give her time to decide. So this whole situation freaked me out a bit, that parents are pushing their daughter to date someone who is way too old for her. Apparently age means nothing if the guy is a good churchoer. So while all of this disturbs me, there isn't anything I can do about it, except wonder at what is going through these people's heads. However, the last thing we discussed was that she made the decision to turn over her personal life to god, completely, and not date. The next person she dated would be her husband. I'm thinking, what?! Don't you realize you're trusting yourself to even understand the message that a person is the right one for you? And that this little plan does not solve the real problem, which is that she keeps getting hurt when she gets emotionally attached to a guy and then when she doesn't want to have sex he breaks up with her. Hopefully we can work on this issue in time. But it was kinda crazy. However, it's better that she not date than be pushed into situations with older men, who could too easily take advantage of her.

Then, I get into a discussion with another young teenage jedi who says she swore off love to focus on work and helping people. Which is fine, but her reason is more that she doesn't feel pretty or skinny enough for a boy to like her. I reminded her that not everyone is like that, and to not count anything out in the future.

What bothers me about this is that teenage girls are getting so frustrated with dating that they are already giving up on love before they even know what it is! It's sad! My hope is that this will allow them to survive the teen years and then realize they can open up a bit as they are older.

I also can't help but think back to how I was in high school. I didn't date, and the few people I dated lasted a few days, literally. I had crushes, though mostly on my friends, or on girls without realizing they were crushes. Of course I have to wonder then if these girls are making these rules because their subconscious is finding a way to keep them away from boys until they realize their sexuality? It's certainly a possibility, and a common experience for many lesbians I know. That doesn't necessarily mean anything though, so I work hard to remember that they are probably straight. In the meantime I'll work with my student to make her a strong woman capable of standing up for herself and making good solid decisions. Her strong connection to the force can guide her as long as she learns to trust it. If only her parents would leave her alone! I hope she survives the next 3 years living with them. I would hate to see her lose her way just to find it again in her 40s with a midlife crisis. Too many people get lost that way...and it's not necessary.

So that's my calling it seems. Saving one child at a time via the internet lol

redefining the Qu clux clan

Yes, I know that is horribly misspelled, but I'm hoping that will keep google from triggering on a search. Anyway, tonight I watched a documentary on trio that attempted to show the "new clan" that doesn't use the N word (no relation to the L word) or hates blacks and minorities. They just want to preserve their heritage and love their children (unless of course their children are gay). They simply want to promote a white, christian, straight country. Funny huh? They work so hard at this new public image, and yet a few protestors at a rally (if you can call it that) can rile the leader enough to blame the degradation of society on "faggot slime" Hmm...and what's his defense? Faggot slime is a less offensive word than nigger. Really?! What jacked up reasoning does that come from? In the end, this guy is clearly full of shit. He's not less hateful, just more intelligent about what he says in public. It's sad...

The thing that scares me is that these people pray, and pray a lot. This means they focus their thoughts on specific outcomes. Focused thought increases their power. We all need to focus our thoughts to counter them. We need to bring love, acceptance, freedom to the world through our thoughts. Maybe that's why we don't get farther? Not enough people focusing on their desired outcome. It's easier for them because there tend to be more religious zealots on the "other side" that pray, a natural form of focused thought. And yes, we have people who pray on the left, but what if you aren't religious? There's meditation, but meditation usually involves a clearing of thoughts, not a focus on one particular outcome. Perhaps I should change my evening meditation to that? I can choose one loving thing to focus on as I go to bed. Hopefully my subconscious will continue in that vein as I sleep, increasing the power of my thoughts, and improving the world around me.

Anyone else have any ideas of how to combat all of this hate and fear? I'm open to anything right now.

meditation

I realize I haven't updated on my training in a while. I've decided to focus on meditation more. Since I don't have tons of free time I'm meditating on the bus and before I go to bed. The bus is good because it's 15 minutes in the morning and afternoon, and then I meditate while on my back massager before bed. It's working well because I don't get so bus sick (always a plus) and I'm getting a little better at the whole meditation thing. My preferred method is still the counting method, which I learned at a buddhism class. (see this post)

Once I finish with finals I plan to start a meditation and energy training regimin, hopefully gaining some skill and control. Besides, if my mentor Brandon visits sometime this summer I want to be as far along as I can be.

Ok, enough, it is time to study. Only 3 more homework sets to work through before trying a final exam. Probably won't do the final until tomorrow since I'm pretty tired and wore out from studying. Then it's on to studying for EM, which I have no idea what to study besides the sheet he told us to memorize. Eeek!

finals

enough said. probably won't be around much, unless i'm slacking off. time for bed, long day of studying ahead of me, and an early meeting. later!

finally!

We have a MAP eligibility appointment! It's a miracle! (if you're confused, go back through my posts for the past month and a half) I've written countless emails to get this all to go through, and finally on monday she should be qualified. We're using Texas to our advantage so I have no relation to her, but I'm paying all the bills. So Carrie is unemployed and should get free medical care now. hooray! It's only been 7 weeks since she injured her knee (and it's still fucked up, definately not a sprain) One more thing out of the way, and we can get her all fixed up hopefully.

On a random funny note, a classmate of mine asked me what would happen if a boy wore my shirt. I looked down and realized I was wearing my butchies shirt. ha! I'm like, actually, it's a band. But I'd probably question his sexuality a little lol, or wonder why he liked lesbian punk. then I explained that they actually have a more varied fan base than you would expect, so it wouldn't be too wierd. I just thought it was cute, because he'd clearly been thinking about it since right before class because I sit behind him. Burton is a goofball! lol

winter in texas - 25 January 2005

There are these perfect days
where light plays with water
and I want to play too
I want to feel the water
cool and soft around me
I want to be the water
flowing over rocks
through soil and trees
letting the light play with me
making me sparkle with beauty

Poems for my wife - 2 December 2004

It's 2 am
and I'm writing
even though I should go to bed
but the thought of sleeping without you
makes staying up the better option.
Without you this house feels empty
the bed too big and cold

a part of my heart is always with you
right now I can feel it
pulled tight by the distance between us
but strong as it has ever been.
How can I sleep so stretched out?
I can't, unless I fake myself out
surround myself with pillows
and thoughts of you
until I almost believe you're here
and finally fall asleep, exhausted.

It's only been a day
but this is my second night without you
It feels like an eternity
saturday can't come soon enough

Amazing that I feel like this
after more than 5 years
I love you even more today
My heart yearns for your return
and I know we'll never truly be separate
----------------------------
We are one
connected by our love
it cannot be destroyed.
I guard it with my whole being
I don't worry about others
they can't compare to us
to the deep bond we share
a bond that will carry us through time
to eternity together.
I can't imagine a greater love
with a greater human being
I give you all of my love
my beautiful wife.
---------------
Day 2

the bed is still cold
the house too quiet and empty
it's wierd how your mere presence
makes my existance complete.
When I leave school each day
I feel a rush at knowing
you are home and I'll see you soon
But when you are not here
the rush turns to sadness
remembering for the moment
you are doing what you need to do
and I won't see you until saturday
I know I sound over dramatic
but i feel what i feel
I continue living my life
and no one notices the change
But I feel it
part of me is with you
thus I cannot be completely here
I know I'll learn to manage
in time I'll be more attuned
and feel the distance less
until then I'll do my best
I will live my life
send my love
remember everything I'm feeling
so that once I see you again
I'll appreciate you
love you
enjoy you
as intensely as I feel
so you may never doubt my love.

softball

There's something very cleansing and calming about throwing a ball around. In order to throw accurately, you focus on your body mechanics. But only for the moment you are throwing. In between there is good conversation between friends. This is why baseball is america's pastime. It is relatively simple to learn, and can be played with little exertion (catch that is).

We played catch yesterday with the neighbor kid Alexia. He's pretty fun, and definately has energy so he doesn't care if he misses and has to chase down the ball. It's funny, because even though I love playing, I never remember to go out and play unless we sit and watch a league of their own. That movie always makes me want to play, no matter what the weather. It must have been amazing to play professional baseball in a time when women weren't really allowed or encouraged to play sports. It's inspirational. And it's a damn cute movie! :-)

I pray we have kids who are into sports at least a little...otherwise we'll just have to play without them! haha

birthday poem - 15 November, 2004

we get bogged down in the small shit
can't see what's important
can't see what's real
we just can't see
so we wander in the darkness
not realizing we're lost
running into walls
and cursing our luck
until someone hits a switch
flooding us in light

but we've been in darkness so long
the light blinds and burns
until someone hits the switch
bringing the darkness back
the instant relief of pain

but our shortsightedness keeps us
out of the light,
never to know
what is real
what is important

but occasionally someone finds the door
and opens it
to be shocked by light again
most recoil
shut the door and return to the
darkness
save in their little world
but the brave
the person sick of the darkness
understand the pain and
walks through that door
waiting out the blindness
until sight comes for the first time
bringing joy
and the experience of a new reality

they open the door to tell others
but it is slammed shut again
for the pain of the light
is too much for the others to bear

sometimes that person forces their way
believing their experience too important
they tell everyone they run into
but few listen
content in their world
used to the darkness
afraid of the light
but when they find someone who listens
Oh the joy!
sharing everything with the open mind
the new person gains excitement
they build the courage to open the door
and pass through again
joining the master in the light

so this cycle continues
darkness to light
slowly through time
until there is no one left
in darkness
and all are in light
then the cycle beings anew
everyone is returned to darkness
to experience the joy
of first light

Post election reaction - 4 November 2004

Wake up
stand up
the time for revolution is here
turn your anger
into fuel
and use it to propel us
forward
not backward
don't let them drag us down
4 years too long
we won't wait to create change
power
the gift
that we can take away
take it
own it
control our lives and future
one battle
not a war
and we've not get begun to fight
take stock
prepare
this battle may be long
be we cannot
will not
let them take us down
so grab pen
paper
write everything down
your anger
your pain
let it remind you why we fight
spread it
like fire
let the revolution take hold
we will stand
victorious
begin the healing process
we come with love
not hate
and bring true freedom to all

Without Mythologies - 1 November 2004

Without Mythologies

A culture without mythologies
what would that leave?
No illusions
No cultural lies
just 'that which is'
truth
a freedom of living
in the present
not the past
no need for myths to explain
everyone already knows
they see the illusion
for what it is
and therefore control it

So there is no creation myth
you are the creator
there is no controlling myth
you are in control
no myths
just being

Disappearing Mythologies - 1 November 2004

Disappearing Mythologies

We're taught as children
the stories of the gods
of zues and athena
hercules and medusa
the myths of greece
those of native americans
or africans, egyptians
and Romans
Were told the myths of
paul bunyan, abe the ox
george washington and
the cherry tree
all of these stories
now merely entertainment
but once serving to explain
the world around us.

We're told they're just stories
myths that are not true.
We look back on these myths
and the people who believed them
as foolish, ignorant, primitive.
How ironic that we live
in cultural myths just as foolish
with vengeful gods and devils
fighting over our souls in the classic
good versus evil war

We fail to see any contradictions
between our "beliefs" and our
experiences.
We fail to see the similarities
between our "truths" and the
myths we claim as false.
This defines us as primitive.

A primitive culture
believes they are
right
and everyone else is
wrong
But in the midst of all this
evolution occurs
moving individuals out of the
primitive

With evolution comes change
and the disappearance of
mythologies
or rather,
the disappearance of
"truth"
and the appearance of
mythology
for it is the highly evolved that
sees
the truth for what it is -
mythology
and as the myth is discovered
it can be destroyed
or maintained as what it is -
mythology
taught to children so they may know
who we were
so we may never return
to that primitive state again
as this society