dream with shifting locations/weather

This morning was interesting, dream wise (but it always is if I allow myself to sleep into the 11am hour...what is that?!)

At first i think I was in a store, looking at old records and stuff, trying to find something Carrie would like (I was at a store yesterday doing that exact thing) The placed was very old, everything all wooden, as if it was an antique store, which I guess would make sense considering the old stuff there lol. But mostly I'm looking through records, of all kinds. There are these tiny tiny ones, an inch or 2 across, which I had no idea what they were for, but they were cute :-) As I kept digging it seemed like I was going through stuff that actually had belonged to her grandma, though maybe that was because it was old and stuff her grandma listened to. I don't know. I was grabbing some things to take home, don't remember what though. Then the scene changed, and I was still looking at this stuff, but it was in a bus. Clearly the bus was modified, because there were different levels, though it was a single level bus. Maybe that's just the confusion from the shift in the dream though. I realize I missed my stop, and run up to the driver and tell her so she can make an additional stop for me. We were on Riverside, the only part of the dream that actually matched my reality here. I scramble back to my seat because I'm not even wearing my shoes. I shove the records and books and stuff into a compartment above my seat (I have no idea why it's there) and say I'll get it when I ride this bus again, apparently not worrying much about it being stolen. Oh, and I stuffed as many of the things in my backpack too. She moves on though, before I can get off, though a few others did. Then she gets mad at me it seems, because she missed a stop earlier on the route, so we have to turn off and drop other people off. But I didn't make her miss anything! lol So she turns, and now we're not in anything remotely resembling austin. We turn off into a field like area within trees, where there is a small farm and another bus (or more) parked. The big bus is an old VW brand bus (but not like the microbusses). So I get off with another girl, who apparently lives at the farm. I drop my backpack for a minute. I see this goat like creature, and it starts running towards me. She says it doesn't attack unless you do something, which apparently I did, so it was running into me. I stopped looking at it, not even out of the corner of my eye, and it appeared to stop. I saw a little baby goat like thing. Then I saw a big dog that ran up to me, and again I didn't look, just kept walking, and then running. I turn left on the road, towards home (that is still accurate direction wise) but now it's a country road. But I realize, I'm running, where is my backpack? lol, so I return to the farm. As I get to the driveway, there are two african looking kids. I say hi, nothing major, just wierd that they were there. At first there was just one, and I thought 'exchange student' but then there was a second boy, so I figured they're whole family immigrated or something. Anyway...I meet up with the girl's dad in the driveway, I say I just need my backpack, and hurry to get it. Then I head out on the road again. But now, it's snowing! And it's not cold enough to be snowing! Just those light little flakes that aren't wet, just pretty. I know the temp hasn't dropped because I'm wearing shorts and a tshirt and not cold.

Then there's a big jump, because I'm now in a suv or something, still in my shorts, and it's snowing. I look at the temp, and it's 59 in the car, but 30 outside. How did the temp drop so fast? lol. And I'm apparently on my way to school, so I'm thinking I need some pants! Also, the location has shifted to back in wisconsin, apparently. I'm debating going to walmart and finding something that will work for now, or just going back home and finding my pants. It takes the same amount of time overall, so we end up back at 'home', though it really doesn't seem like my home in feel, but my laundry is there, along with carrie's, though she wasn't in the dream. So I find my favorite pants. In the search I find a pack of cigarettes with 4 still in the pack in carrie's shorts, they were intact but had still gone through the wash. I think that's residual because she lost a pack of cigarettes last night and we didn't find them yet. Anyway...so yeah, that's about all there is to the dream. It was wierd how I jumped locations so drastically, and then jumped temperatures/weather. Very interesting...but I tell you, I looooooooved the snow!!!!

discovering root issues

It's funny how you can know things, and yet not know them, until one day they jump up and smack you upside the head so you pay attention.

I've been on this Jedi Realist path for 3 years now. In that time I've learned a lot, mostly about mindfulness and consciously choosing what I do. Granted that doesn't mean I do it all the time, but I know that I should. And even when I'm not consciouly choosing my life, I know my subconscious is doing it. I am not a victim, I am a creator.

So lately I've been more and more aware of my two interrelated issues. The first is impatience. I rush into decisions or actions and that's not a good thing. It still tends to work out alright, but the outcome could have improved had I waited. This impatience affects my other main issue which is emotions. I allow my emotions to color my actions, which is not useful. I'm not saying emotions are bad, but the goal is to acknowledge the emotions, and then let them go so you can see a situation from a place of centered calm. Then you're seeing clearly, rather than letting emotions create blind spots. Right now I acknowledge the emotions, but I get impatient and don't fully let them go, thus they are affecting my actions.

Normally, I don't look to the the star wars universe for much, because I can find what I need in nonfiction. However, I've been entertaining myself with the Jedi Apprentice series and find it really useful. What it's made me realize is just how slow the solo method can be. When you have a person in your life to mentor you, they can give you that reminder to release your emotions. They can see when you are acting from them and intercept. Thus you learn much faster than if you have to see them on your own. However, since I don't have that, it means I need to focus that much harder on my goals.

No one can be mindful for you...but it sure helps to have a reminder around.

D.E.B.S.

I know this movie got bad reviews, but I thoroughly enjoyed DEBS! It's cheesy, and silly, but very cute. The main villian character looks a lot like a young Demi Moore, which is always nice. And yes, the movie is completely unrealistic, but the love story is cute! Besides, the girls are hot! haha, so yeah, we're going to buy this one because silly is always fun. And, there's the added plus of there being zero heterosexual scenes, not even kissing. That's always a plus in my book. I wonder what it would have been like if this had been a more independent movie instead of a bigger studio thing...haha, probably way hotter! :-)

interesting experience

Today I was just finishing up a nice conversation with my friend Spenser. Out of nowhere (probably literally lol) I felt my third eye open. It's the only way I can describe it. It felt like a flooding in of air or water, some kind of fluid of sorts. It was quite distinct, and quickly became bigger. I felt as if I had a hollow tube in me, from my 3rd eye down to my dan tien. A true vacancy in my body! I felt the energy going straight down to my center. I brought this up to Spencer, who was actually experiencing something very similar! Neither of us did anything consciouly. To be honest I'm not sure if either of us did it even subconsciously, but I have no idea. So I'm talking to Spenser, and trying to pay attention to this feeling when I notice my throat chakra, and there's a lump in my throat. This was interesting because Spenser tried to get a read on some activity in my house a few weeks ago and he got a lump in his throat when he tried. Wierd coincidence perhaps... After I said goodbye to him (he was late for work) I walked around a bit. My whole body was buzzing. I got a few random energy surges, where I needed to shake my arms and such. Umm...it's like when you get the chills, or some other involuntary bodily tremor. Very interesting. Also, definately got the giggles during this. It was an amazing and new experience.

But, what was it? who did it? why? how can I make it happen again? Questions that I may or may not get answers to. However, it doesn't change the experience. It seems to me that my mood and motivation issues are definately energy related, because I felt a great mood improvement from this. Which means I need to keep doing my qigong and riding the bike at night. I can't afford this lack of motivation during the semester. Anyway...no negativity. Today was interesting :-)

By the way, we had a monsoon quality storm this afternoon. It was amazing! Tons of rain, and lightning directly above the building that make you shake from the thunder. Hehehe, it was awesome!

I heart huckabees

Just a quick post before heading to work. Last night we watched I heart huckabees for the first time. It's quite amusing, even if you're not sure where it's leading half the time. Unfortunately it is one of those movies that you can't describe for people. However, it's very much worth watching lol I'll have to watch it again, but I think the most interesting part for me was towards the end when the main character sees that the two versions of existentialists are both wrong and right. one is too far to the happy side, the other is too far to the pain side. Put them together though, and you have a pretty darn good system! Lol, sounds like so many parts of our society today, separate they are wrong, but together they're pretty close.

Tonight we have What the bleep do we know to watch, and Lemony Snicket at some point this weekend. Oh, and we're finally working on Legend of Zelda 4 swords together. We've played it a few times, but never all the way through. Since I still have a month before school starts, now is the time. Lol, it's quite fun with two people because you end up hitting each other accidentally and stuff. Plus it's something we can do together, which is nice since otherwise I sit on the computer and she watches tv or plays games, and we say a few words every once and a while. This is my fault primarily, by the way. Someday I'll learn. But in the meantime, video games are fun! :-)

my theory on sids

Carrie and I were discussing how bizarre it is that some kids around 4-6 months just stop breathing for no medical reason. Some of them come back and have no other problems, and some never come back. That got me wondering why that is. A theory came to me, though I'll admit it's just something I thought up that happens to make sense to me.

Souls enter our bodies, who knows when, but at some point, souls enter the body, to experience something besides divine unity. While souls do this willingly, it isn't an easy transition to go from complete freedom in creation to limits. Souls often leave the body for periods of time, during our sleep, which is why babies sleep so much. But what if a soul forgets why it came into a body to begin with and decides to really check out, completely separating from the body? The baby in essence dies, and for no medical reason. One reunited with the divine, the soul understands where it was, and what it chose. At this point it has a choice. Does it remain where it is, leaving the body dead, or does it return, to live a full life in body?

There is also the added element of the souls involved, particularly the parents. There are times when souls only come to this earth for a short time so the parents can experience something. I'm not going into this, because it's beyond my understanding, but I just felt it needed to be added into the theory.

Now I may be completely wrong. If so, that's fine. In any case it's an interesting theory to me, and it makes sense according to my belief structure. Also, the idea came out of thin air, which is usually a good sign. It will be interesting to see if I ever know the actual answer to this.

DIRELAND: IRAN EXECUTES 2 GAY TEENAGERS (updated)

DIRELAND: IRAN EXECUTES 2 GAY TEENAGERS (updated)

This stuff deeply saddens me, and angers me. That this happens, and then the countries lie about it trying to add charges to defend their actions...clearly they know they were in the wrong as far as international law is concerned. In any case, I'm feeling better now, because I wrote to our Secretary of State. Here's what I wrote to her. It really helped me through this.

Honored Secretary of State Rice,

I just read the articles regarding Iran's execution of two homosexual youths. These children did not konw what they did was wrong. They were executed anyway, against international law. While the US does not have a good track record with homosexual rights, at the very least people are not executed by the government for following their hearts. We can't allow gross injustice to persist in the world, especially in those countries trying to be a greater presence in the world. Freedom should belong to every human being, not just those that agree with the group that has power within a country. Please do what you are able with this situation. Whether you agree or disagree with homosexuality does not change the injustice of these boys' sentence. Of this I'm sure you're aware. I'm sending strength to you, that you will be able to handle this situation in a way that is appropriate for international politics without missing the point.

The best of luck in all of your endeavors,
Jackie L Meyer
Austin, Texas

My best friend - Ash Riot

Ash Riot
I just wanted to bring everyone's attention to my best friend in the whole world (beside my wife obviously) who finally has her professionally designed website up. Her first full length album is about to be released up there in Canadia, and I can't be more proud of her. She exudes talent, and she's one of the most amazing people I've ever met. :-) So take a peak if you have the chance. And I won't be offended if her music isn't your cup of tea, I love her just the same. But if you do enjoy her music, be sure to let her know. :-)

brother

I don't remember if I talked about my brother's sentence or not. Doesn't really matter though lol

So yesterday was his second huber/child care release day. I didn't talk to him on the phone, but we chatted a little online. He's actually reading Coversations with God book 1. I'm going to do my best to not bug him about it. But I really hope he gets just a little out of it, ease his frustration and pain. And hopefully this will be the start of a journey towards understanding about life, maybe he won't have to search so hard for what he's looking for. I guess it's a wait and see situation. Hopefully he's doing alright sitting in jail till wednesday. At least he gets out 3 times a week, I think it'd be much harder doing it all at the same time. He's definately lucky, far luckier than he realizes.

students and religion

Last night I got a message from my main student, who has started a 30 day bible study through her church. As part of it, she is on a 21 day media fast, whic means no tv, no internet, and no music, except for christian or instrumental. This is all I know. However, the music issue raises a big red flag. I think it's hypocritical to tell someone not to listen to anything else, but they can listen to christian music. What is the point of this then? To make sure the only thing going in is what you want them to believe? Really makes me wonder. Also, she said they have a book to read, which also worries me. Of course this is her choice, but I can't help but distrust a book that is these kids only real input for a month. People are getting so good and figuring out just the right things to say to people so they'll keep swallowing the lies, and do it happily. I also dislike that I had zero warning of this. For one, we had just, literally just, started a walking meditation program, so she can meditate without some of the issues that come with sitting meditation (her seeing visions and such), because she was just not meditating before. Also, she was taking the spirituality course already, and now she's not going to finish the course for a while. This may be a good thing, who knows. I know I need to trust her, and hope that her connection to the universe will allow her to question on some level the things she's being told now. And who knows, maybe it's not as bad as I'm imagining...but it's hard to not worry. Hopefully without the tv and internet she'll spend more time meditating, and continue with what we've been working on. I hate to say, but part of me hopes things get too tough and she goes online anyway. The problem is she doesn't have anyone offline to talk to about a lot of the issues she's dealing with. What if she gets angry and loses control of her abilities? But all of this is just fear. And this is her life, her path...hopefully she'll stay on the path that's best for her to learn who she really is.

You know, this crap wouldn't happen if religions didn't think they had all the answers and the only way to heaven...

Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior

There are so many things I want to say...and it's not in any order yet. This will be a train of thought post, with the train probably derailing a few times along the way...

Two big ideas were presented in this book. First, the idea of the three selves, which is our basic self, the conscious self, and the higher self. It's an idea you can find in many places, but since I'm not into psychology or philosophy that much, I'll stick with this terminology. The basic self takes care of us, heals us, lets us know what's going on. It's our inner child also, easily frightened. But it's our roots to the earth, an important function. The conscious self is obviously our consciousness. It takes in the data of life around us and interprets it. It calms our inner child when it's scared by things it doesn't understand. The higher self deals with...well, higher things. It's our spiritual place, transcending the illusions of the world to see the bigger picture. It is our bridge to the higher realms. Seemingly less important, but that's only because I'm not really there very often :-)

I think many of my problems exist because I'm stuck mostly in the conscious self. Which leaves me without roots, leaving me to float about wherever the wind blows. Sometimes I think they're there, but perhaps they're small and weak, so I can move more than I should. I'm not really sure. I know my conscious self takes control too much, bringing in doubts occasionally, questions more often. And questions destroy the process. Thinking destroys the process. You just do.

This all makes more sense to me in the archetype of the human being 7 floors.
First Floor: Personal Survival
Emotions: Fear, paralysis
Issue: Taking care of self

Second Floor: Sexuality/Creativity
Emotions: Sorry, weakness
Issues: Reaching out, embracing life, energy and relationship

Third Floor: Personal Power
Emotions: Anger, tension
Issues: Discipline, commitment, will

The Great Leap

Fourth Floor: Transpersonal Love
Pur compassion, open heart, ego no longer center
Emotions: Love, hapiness
Issue: How best to serve

Fifth Floor: Mystical Revelation
Pure Inspiration, eyes turned towards spirit

Sixth Floor: Unity
Pure Light, communion with spirit

Seventh Floor: Pure Being and Bliss
Pure Spirit, no self remains

- Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior, Dan Millman, page 95

Much of Dan's journey involves these floors, and I actually understand this explanation. At one point, Dan tries to go to the fourth floor, in a vision, but when he got to the door he was kicked out, his psyche wasn't ready to go there yet. I think that's where I am, and why I'm not progressing as I expect. I've only superficially worked through the ground levels, so that leap is incomplete. The deap seated fears of the first floor left relatively untouched, though there has been improvement over the past 3 years. The guilt and shame that still taints sexuality, and feelings of weakness leave part of me trapped on the second floor. That also has shown improvement, large improvement in some areas over the past 6 years. The third floor tends to kill me. My will is weak, leaving many things done half assed or not done at all. I'm left spinning my wheels, if I ever got to pushing the gas pedal to begin with. I don't believe I ever had true discipline. I did things because I didn't want to disappoint others, and I wanted my reputation. I've done so little for myself, truly for myself, and even those I do I still have trouble maintaining. My focus is lacking, thus I can't even remember what my will should be doing! I'm too easily distracted by superficial things, like a video game. It's simple and fun, and easy draw for me right now.

These three floors are enough to keep me fully out of the fourth floor. I visit, but can't stay all of the time. I do feel a pull to help people, to ease their pain and suffering (self caused mostly). But I also slip easily into feelings of judgement, impatience, and frustration at their lack of change. So while I start there, I tend to fall out too often. The upper floors are even more tenuous, blocked mostly by fear. I really think this is my psyche saying we're not ready yet, you have too much work to do below before you spend any real time up above. I've spent so much time focusing on the higher things, spirituality, but without really working on the lower floors, which is probably why I haven't gotten very far experientially, just gained a bunch of information.

Where do I begin? And how do I proceed?

so much...and so little

It's wierd to have chaos relatively close to you, but to not be in it. My brother reported to jail today, the start of a 4 month sentence that will really be 3. Assuming my mom can get a copy of Brilee's birth certificate he'll be out tomorrow to take care of him. So he actually will get wednesday, friday, and sunday off during the day because those are his child visitation days, which is good. He had huber, but his job fired him, which sucks. It was a crappy job at Dollar General, but jeez. They knew this was going on, he's a good employee, but whatever. It's just going to be difficult to find a job after...However I do believe this will all work out, if he takes advantage of the situation to improve himself and begin to learn from his mistakes. I just don't know how to help him at this point in time. I'll figure it out though.

I'm hoping with this part behind her, my mom can relax a little bit. She just takes everything on...she needs to learn to let go. Stressing yourself to death is not fun, but it's a tough pattern to get out of. In time I'll find the way to help her too. Because if I can't help my family, what good is all this training? To help the whole world, but not my family is a failure of a sort, because it means I wasn't able to figure this out. I know it isn't all up to me, but I think for most people it's easier to help strangers than those closest to us. Which is why it's a failure of sorts if I can't get past that, because it means I couldn't get over myself.

So there's a lot going on...and nothing at all. My life is pretty mundane, but not in a bad way. It just is. Even this doesn't phase me much, though it's hard to not get frustrated at the whole situation. I know I'm not really dealing with it...but I'm not really sure how. I can let go of the feelings for a time, but they always come back. Does that mean I'm not really letting go, or that I'm just going to have to keep letting it go until the situation doesn't come up anymore? This is where the lack of a mentor is felt, because I don't know. I have an idea...but I'm goingto write a separte post because it's going to be long I'm guessing :-)

catch up

So I've been in a bit of a funk lately, lacking motivation to do things until they are unavoidable. Thus nothing has gotten accomplished besides video games, and a little work, with the occasional chore like some dishes or laundry. I don't understand what triggers this, or even how to stop it. Apparently my will slowly gains power until I dig myself out. In any case, that's why I haven't posted in a while. Time to catch up.

Most exciting thing to happen: RAIN!!!!!!! It finally rained last night, first time in 34 days or so. And boy did it rain! I got off the bus, and was instantly drenched. It was raining so hard I couldn't blink fast enough to see, my eyeballs were still getting pelted. It was insane! I just walked through the door and stripped. But it was exhilerating and so much fun! And, we have a running stream, with water that didn't come out of the sprinklers. hehehe It's awesome. I just hope we don't have to go another month before more rain. However, I noticed our pool is a few inches deeper than it was before, so that's also amusing...lots of rain!

Fun Basketball things: We went to the San Antonio Silver Stars vs Pheonix Mercury game on tuesday. We had fun. The game was slow at times, especially in the first half. D got screwed by three bad calls in a row and had to sit for around 8 minutes, which sucked. We saw Ivanyi hit a brick wall in Vodichkova! It was the funniest thing I'd seen in a while...though I bet it hurt. But I've never seen someone run into someone, and be stopped dead, plus lifted off their feet, and the other person not even flinch! No foul either, which was the appropriate call. We laughed for minutes. Don't get me wrong though, I haven't been so impressed with a guard I wasn't familiar with in a while...Ivanyi is fast as hell, and damn fun to watch! She's great. I'm going to buy tickets for the next home game, which is also against Pheonix. The plan is to bring my UCONN championship ball and have D sign it after the game. We'll also bring one of the good pictures we have from 3 years ago at the sweet 16/elite 8 in Milwaukee. Apparently they'll sign out at the busses after the game, according to staff at the arena. Yay!

Unknown things: Wierd things are happening around the house with carrie. Not going to say any more since it's long, complicated, and her private matter. I just wanted a record of this and hopefully I'll remember what I mean. Haha

Busy weekend: Tonight is going to be the first band practice ever for the newly forming riot grrl band. Last week Jinx had to run to San Antonio to pick up her kids from her ex even though she doesn't normally pick them up till saturday. So tonight is the first time meeting this guitarist, and actually playing. Here's to not sucking too bad!
Then saturday we're smoking 4 pork shoulders, two for us and two for friends. It won't be that much work until it's time to pull the fat off...I might actually have to help this time. Sunday, crap, if I call them and ask at least, Ian and Tir are coming over. Tir ships out to Iraq in about 2 weeks, and it would suck to not see her before then. And then sunday night we will probably go see a movie. Mr. and Mrs. Smith perhaps? It's always nice to get an angelina jolie fix. And it looks awesome.

I think that's it for now. I'll try to update more. But the fire alarm is going off, so I should leave. hahaha

video games are evil!

So I bought Knights of the Old Republic friday night. In the two days since I've logged around 12 hours of gameplay...which means I haven't done any of the other things I should do, like meditating, lifting, riding the bike... So I declare fun video games to be evil! we must ban them, to save humans from themselves, before civilization crumbles around us! Act now to save humanity!

Hehe, so yes, I really enjoy kotor...too much. However, if I wasn't playing this game I'd have the same problem of not doing anything. I think I'm heading into a summer funk, where I lack the motivation to do the things I need to do...you know, like work... This happened 2 years ago when I spent the summer in texas, but I thought it was because I was away from home and just off. I'm starting to wonder now. I go through this every so often, where I just don't have the motivation to do things. This is a sign of depression, but I'm not sure because I don't feel sad...just not as up as usual, and definately less energy. I think I need to see an herbalist or something. Too bad I don't have a friend that does reiki or medical qigong, because that would be very helpful. Even if this is technically depression, I feel it as an energy related illness of sorts. If my energy was flowing properly, I wouldn't be down. Quite simple in my mind. Now I just need to fix it...