Scary Chick-Fil-A

I'm starting to remember all the things I wanted to pass along from the past week.

I think it was on thursday when we drove to north austin to run errands. We enjoyed the beautiful drive of 2222 west, all the trees and rocks and elevation changes. We were both reminded of california driving to san diego. It would have been awesome to drive that in a sports car though :-) The reason we drove 2222 was to pick up some stuff in Steiner Ranch, which is an intersting planned community. Very pretty, and not as scary as I would imagine a planned community to be. The houses didn't all look the same, it wasn't solid houses like subdivisions can be, and you could see Lake Travis which was quite beautiful. I guess if you choose to live in a community, it wouldn't be a bad way to go, though I'd still prefer land out of the city.

On our way home we took loop 360, which is a very long way home, but I didn't want to backtrack. We stopped at Chick-Fil-A in Beecaves (I think that's what it's called). After a minute of sitting down Carrie realized they were playing Christian music on the radio, which was odd. It wasn't bad, but unexpected. I got up at some point, don't even remember why, but I fel really uncomfortable. I realized we were surrounded by people in Jesus freak shirts like "I'm a warrior of God" and stuff. We both just ate as quickly as we could and got the hell out of there. I've never felt so uncomfortable in a regular fast food restaurant. It literally made my stomach churn, I really don't think we were welcome there. Thankfully we were soon gone and back in Austin proper. But it was a wierd experience, especially considering we didn't see any churches or schools nearby. Very bizarre...

So if you're queer, don't go to Chick-Fil-A in Beecaves.

Trans

I forgot to mention the coolest part of shopping yesterday. The last place I saw was a Jansport sign. My backpack from last year is useable, but the padding in the back is scrunched so there's no padding for my hip which is annoying. So I go to this store hoping for a backpack. I found one that not only looked cool but it was only $15 and had the fancy shock absorbing straps. The best part of it all? I realized it says Trans all over the thing. It's funniest thing I've ever seen! I have a trans backpack hahahaha

I just realized that some random people won't understand the joke, so I'll explain quickly. I consider myself transgender, but of the more gender neutral variety. I don't have desire for hormones, have only halfway thought about having a breast reduction/removal, and definately don't want to grow a penis. But I'm definately genderqueer, and thus consider myself trans. So to walk aroung with a backpack that proclaims it this way is ironic and quite amusing :-) Yay Jansport! hehe

shopping!

Holy week of shopping! That's what happens when financial aid hits. So this has been our past week:
Fixed the car - $440
Bought a couch - $500
We also bought numerous small things to make our house feel more homey. We've been out and about every single day, and it's a bit exhausting. Today we drove to San Marcos and hit the outlet malls for clothes and shoes. Now I have a cordless drill that actually works and has some power! And we have pretty new shoes and clothes. Yay!

I never realized how exhausting it is to be out and about every day. Our house needs some serious cleaning and straightening. And I really need to do some work before the boss returns next week. Unfortunately school starts on wednesday, so I need to get in gear. Good think I don't have class until thursday!

All of this running has messed up my moods. I've lacked motivation and slipped back into blahness. However, I think I'm coming out of it again, probably the pressure of knowing I'm out of time to slack off! hahaha

in any case, that's been the past week. Busy, confusing, draining, but at least it's over.

originally a response to a student: a personal understanding

I think sometimes this is the most difficult to apply in life, the knowledge that people aren't going to be open to our ideas and beliefs. We want so badly to help others understand what we've understood, to find the peace we have found, that it's hard to remember in the moment that they may never be ready to hear our message. And that's ok. It isn't a hit on us, we haven't failed, they just walk a different path. Living this knowledge can be hard, but thankfully we get a lot of practice trying!

I need to remember to incorporate patience. With patience this knowledge can bubble to the surface and push away the thoughts of frustration, removing hurt feelings, and bringing forth clarity. Patience is the key to everything I believe. Patience allows mindfulness, and mindfulness allows patience. With both come peace.

late night basketball

There's something about watching great basketball that makes me want to play basketball. We're literally watching basketball games every day there is one thanks to webcasts and nba tv. So tonight, I'm sitting around, wanting to do something, but really not wanting to ride the bike. I finally just say screw it, if I want to play basketball, I can play basketball. Thankfully we have one of the infusion balls, so even though it was flat I could pump it up in a few minutes. Then I headed out to our crappy little hoop. The rim's bent down from those people who think dunking is just the greatest thing on the planet, but it's not that bad. I was quite suprised to see my shot wasn't horrible, especially considering I haven't played in more than a year. Carrie came out to play with me, even though her ankle is pretty messed up lately. We had fun, and she helped me with my shot. I needed to widen my stance and get my arm motion better coordinated with my body. The last thing was running lay ups. At the end carrie just stood in front of the goal so I could get used to having a person in front of me. It was really fun, in spite of my lack of fitness. I'm now very very sweaty, but quite happy :-)

I attribute my half assed shot ability to all the basketball I watch. The mind takes in what it sees, and tries to make the body do the same. Since I'm not really thinking about what my body is doing, I think it's trying to recreate what it's been seeing. It's the same idea as running techniques through your mind when you can't practice, your body still improves.

Tonight I thought back to my childhood and sports. I didn't really watch sports, well, besides football and tennis. They didn't show many basketball games on tv, so I don't know that I watched enough. Also, I grew up in the middle of nowhere. I do mean that literally. So while city kids had other kids to play against, I had, well, me and my family. Plus, all my friends were pretty sports inept. We preferred football to other sports. At school I played football, at the babysitters it was football, at family functions it was usually football. So my entire grade school sports career was on raw talent only. I wonder what would have happened had I grown up in a situation where everyone played basketball. Granted, at some point my height would have been a big issue, but I could have been better at least. However, there's nothing stopping me from improving now, right? So that's what I do. I may have horrible independent practice habits, but, when I practice, I make it count. It's how I got my black belt as a kid, it's how I was a state musician, it's how I get anywhere.

Basketball is good for the soul :-)

more military dreams

Last night was the second night in a row of having dreams involving me returning to the military. They're always in a different setting, but always the same point. I show up, somewhere obviously military, I'm clearly re-joining, but it isn't necessarily boot camp. For instance, last night I just ended up at a barracks. And as always, I didn't have all my gear. I was missing a cover, then I realized I was missing my boot blousers.

The real question is, why do I have these dreams? I haven't even been thinking about the military really. Is it as simple as there being a war on? Do I personally feel like I'm at war, and my mind turns that into military? Maybe my ego wants to fight the changes I'm making, and thus has me preparing in my dreams. Yet I'm never ready. Hmmm...I should probably just try to recount the dreams.

Two nights ago, I was arriving at a receiving station of sorts. It was all female marines, and corporal stone was there. She was one of my leaders at MCT and was way hard core. I don't think I talked to her though. There was a lot of activity, and the only thing I really remember was remembering to look and see if my chevrons were on. I was relieved to see they weren't, I was chevron-less. Another Marine saw me do this, and I told her that no, I wasn't stripped of my rank. But I also didn't want it on. So that's a bit wierd. I think it was a reaction to the expectations attached to having rank, but I'm not sure. Or maybe I was trying to hide that I'd been in before. I can't remember enough to know.

Then last night the dream actually starts as me wanting to find a bathroom in this huge building. On the left there is a door for a training room (like physical therapy). I go to the right, there is a room for women, and a room to the left wall that has a boy and girl symbol on it. I went to the women's room, and it was full or something, I didn't want to go in there. I was hesitent to go in the family room because you never know what's in there. I think I end up back and forth for a bit. I go into the family room finally, and all I see are urinals, but it's pretty dark, so hard to see. I leave I think. Then at some point the rooms all change. The women's room becomes a women's barracks, though a bit mish mosh, as there is a double bed. Carrie is with me, and I have her go there. I think we even lie down a bit, but I feel uncomfortable with so many people around and able to see us. I take my stuff and go to the other room that was just a bathroom. There are 2 teenage boys it looks like. I ask where I can put my stuff, they aren't real helpful. Then they lie down on the floor because of lack of bed space. But there are enough beds. So I tell them the beds are more comfortable and they look at me like I'm crazy, when they're lying on concrete! haha I go drop my gear, and then someone that I think is my 2nd cousin comes in. He's retired air force and an asshole, but I'm still excited to see him. I'm only half in uniform, meaning cammie pants and boots, but a red shirt. I follow him outside, and he doesn't say anything, but also doesn't make me go away. There's a small formation, maybe 8 people. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable being out of uniform, though others don't seem to care. two other girls run back to the barracks, and I ask one if I can borrow a cover. She goes to carrie's barracks, and the other girl is actually a bunkmate. I'm scrambling to find a green shirt, then I keep looking, but I can't remember what I'm looking for. I keep looking and looking...and I think that's where the dream shifts. Perhaps that's the key actually...my looking for something but not knowing what it is. Haha, but how is that helpful?!

Then the dream shifts and becomes quite funny at times. I don't remember much, but at some point there is a giant wrestling match between basktball players. It's hilarious. First pee wee jumps the pile, then it's just pure insanity, with basketball all stars wrestling, but not harming each other. Bizarre! perhaps I'm watching too much basketball? hahaha

note to self

don't sleep on your stomach when you have a nice tempurpedic pillow. your neck will thank you.

Saturday Basketball

Yesterday we went to the Silver Stars/ Shock game. We had a blast. First off...we learned from last game, when construction was so bad on I-35 we were late for the game. I decided to take smaller highways, and hit I-10 instead. Well, that should have been easy, since I-10 runs east/west and I was driving south. We stopped in Nixon, Texas for gas. Took a look at the map, and carrie realizes we missed 10. How the hell do you miss an interstate! It's not physically possible. I'm honestly still confused about this. So we take 87 over and then hit 410 up. The problem is, we were starving because in the middle of nowhere Texas the only places to eat are Dairy Queens or scary random places...and not even many of those. We were soooo happy to get into San Antonio! We hit McDonalds, which was actually good, and still made it to the game with a half hour to spare.

Our seats were amazing! Section 2, row 4. To give you a visual...We were 10 feet from the court, to the left of the basket. The Stars bench was not more than 20 feet away from us. Holy crap are those women tall!!!! Hahaha It was intense. It was like I could feel what they felt, and I saw the intensity in their eyes. Man was that amazing. Now I understand why people get seats like that!

Before the game started they handed Shannon "Pee-wee" Johnson her olympic ring. Then, unfortunately I left to get soda, but I'll pass along what my wife witnessed. Pee-wee walks over to a pretty woman directly across from the bench, front row. She hands her the ring, the grabs her chin and kisses her. No one seemed to react, which is good. And no, there is no way it was a relative.

This makes me wonder, how many players are sorta out, where the local fans know, but not others. I found a website where people just gossip and post theories or questions...there are only maybe 10 confirmed lesbians in the league. Yet, there are apparently fewer straight women than there are lesbians or bisexuals in the league. Quite a disparity. And it's sad really. These women are professionals and still having to hide because of stupid homophobia. Little girls are not going to be gay because their favorite player is. That doesn't even make sense! It's sad, and crazy, and stupid. Someday this will change.

Anyway, that was our fun yesterday. I'm seriously thinking about getting tickets for the last game now...but only if I get my loan consolidation check first.

Packers Win!

Packers win, packers win, packers win win win *do a little dance*
Haha, yes, I know it's only preseason. But it feels good to win. Especially when your kicker knocks down a 53 yarder in the rain after the other team's kicker missed 3 from 40+. Yay! Besides, it's fun to listen to people talk about how good Brett is going to be. And, it's great to hear my people back home :-) Man I miss wisconsin sometimes! But it's getting better, overall. I think it's really sinking in that I'll only see home once a year, and I'll be here the rest of the time, so just settle in. At least I don't feel like crying when i go to culver's or dairy queen anymore. Definately an improvement. And now I get to see green bay every couple weeks!!!!! Yay :D

late night talks break blocks

Last night was fun! Carrie and I went to bed around 1am. This is still really early, considering we'd stayed up till 4 or 5 the past few days. At first we were just lying there, listening to Melissa Etheridge Your Little Secret, which I haven't done in forever! It was great, remembering how I used to listen to that cd so intently in college, trying to understand what my life was supposed to be like. We mostly sat quietly in the dark. I was lying with my eyes closed for quite a while. My eyesight is so poor it doesn't do much good to open my eyes anyway. But when I did open them, my vision was odd. Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see, or maybe sense, motion. But I couldn't really see it. Also, twice I saw a shadow move over my head, again towards the edge of my vision. I thought it was carrie's arm, but she hadn't moved. We started to talk about it, she mentioned there was a lot of energy in the room. Quite a few bright light creatures and such. Perhaps they liked the music, because they were more active than usual apparently. I couldn't see them, perhaps because they're so small my eyes can't resolve them with my poor eyesight. I was also focusing on the constant sense of motion coming from carrie's body. My theory is that since I was lying in her aura, that's what I was sensing, the constant motion of the aura. It was quite interesting.

We've also had fun playing with energy. I've learned that i can still feel her, even when she isn't touching me. It's the old "I'm not touching you" routine, but even with my eyes closed I know she's doing it. It feels like someone just lightly touches the arm hairs, tickling me. I did the same to her last night, but a few inches away from her arm. It was funny, because you would swear someone physically touched you! It's quite interesting.

After all this, we just had a blast being silly and laughing. At one point we had been talking about writing, other thoughts on our minds, struggles, when I got the urge to write. I'd been so blocked lately, but really had things I wanted to get out. After a few false starts I was able to write pages of poetry/journaling stuff. It was funny, because as I wrote, carrie felt like writing too. So at 2:30 in the morning we turned the light on and both wrote a bunch. Very artistic :-)

Last night was really nice, allowed us to reconnect on an interactive friend level, which doesn't happen enough. We'll have to make an effort for more quiet time together. It was really nice. :-)

Football!!!!!

Fall is when I really feel the distance from home. Yesterday (friday night/saturday morning) we didn't go to sleep until 5 am because I really wanted to see the story on the Packers. I know we could have just seen it later, but I thought it would be on earlier in the program rather than the last story! So I lost an hour of sleep, but it's ok. Then, we changed the channel and watched a little of the Colts game from japan. Sad, but it's exciting...football season!

There's a Packers game actually on Thursday....I get to watch a horrible preseason game! yay! But it's a chance to hear the names of the backups and stuff. Besides, bad Packer football is still packer football. It's been a part of my life since I was a baby. I'm not sure what fall and winter would be like without football.

thanks to tivo, we don't even have to worry about missing games. Just hope we don't have conflicts between watching colts and packers games. Oh well, that's why we have 2 tvs. hahaha

Amazing band - The Weekend

The Weekend
I've fallen in love with this band! They have the closing song in DEBS (obsession...) and it's wicked cute. All their songs are catchy as hell, and great fun. Come the end of august we'll be buying at least one album, possibly more depending on money. So check them out. Music is on their myspace page here. You can also watch the music video for Into the Morning, the song on DEBS.

Ok, I think I'm done with DEBS, at least on my blog... :-)

I'm a gay boy magnet!

Haha, today has been the day of the gay boys. First, I was sitting on the bus talking to carrie when I mentioned DEBS, because, as you can tell, I'm obsessed for now. He perked right up and said "I love that movie!" haha, it was so cute! Then I mentioned the Erasure song and he started singing it. :-) So after I hung up with carrie I started talking to him again. We chatted the whole way home, so about a half hour. He's a theater guy, auditioning for a play here. He's learning shakespeare on his own. apparently he's learned more about acting on his own than he ever did in college. His boyfriend's name is Bach, which is his real name. Oh yeah, and his name was Mark. I gave him my email because we had so much fun talking.

Then tonight, out of the blue came an im from my favorite person from my freshman year of college, David Obrien. He is the sweetest boy on the planet. I hadn't talked to him since I was moving to california for the Marines. haha, so quite a lot to catch up on! He's working as a massage therapist on cruise ships which is quite interesting. Lots of pretty places to see, it'd be pretty cool to do. Anyway, it was great to hear from him again, because he's such a great guy. Definately the most sane of all my old friends there lol!

The funniest thing of all is that I'd been thinking I needed more gay friends lately, and today I discover two! Hahaha, life is awesome sometimes!

Melissa Etheridge - Refugee cover

Melissa Etheridge

There are some songs that are good from the get go, and some that are transformed by someone else's interpretation. And there are some that are both. Tom Petty's Refugee is one of those songs. It was always a great song, but Melissa Etheridge took it to new heights. I don't know what she does, but when she sings a song I feel it at a new level, believing it in my soul.

The song can be played from her website (linked above) and is well worth the listen. So take 4 minutes out of your day and give it a try. I know it just brightened my day at work :-)

a realization

I have a hard time letting go after seeing a movie that involves new found love. I thought it was because those feelings are fun and exciting, and I missed that. But it appears that wasn't the case. Last night I realized it's the feeling of someone being totally into me that I miss. Not to say that my wife isn't, but it's different. The newness is one element, and then there's the realization that someone likes you and you didn't realize it. lol, this isn't a very formulated thought obviously, but I know the general idea is right because once I realized that I was able to release all of the feelings of yearning that I'd been experiencing.

What's funny is that for carrie it's the opposite side. She misses the getting to know someone new part, not the part where someone else is into her. It's kinda funny.

How do people keep that new feeling going? I mean after 6 years there's a little that's new, but not so much. We're very comfortable, which is good. But it's easy to become complacent, which isn't as fun. Hmm...

and I repeat...

DEBS is a totally cute movie :-D Hot girls falling in love, it's just cute hahahaha

I know, I'm a complete dork, but it's ok.