Decisions

I'm really starting to think that I need to find a new martial art. I left class tonight just depressed. I missed all last week due to being sick, and part of the week before because I had other things to do. Tonight sensei wanted to talk to the people who weren't at class last week. I just reminded him I was sick and he was fine. The problem is that it isn't his place to decide how much time we devote to karate. I am a graduate student, which takes a huge chunk of time, and I'm a wife who needs to spend time with her wife. On the grand list of priorities, it's definately after school, Carrie, meditation (Wild Divine), my family...basically I'm just trying to maintain right now so I don't have to start all over when I finally have a little time. However, I don't think I like the club. I really miss my old dojo, and I never felt like I was doing something wrong for choosing school over karate.

My other issue is that I think my beliefs are changing. I don't know that a strength based martial art is what I need anymore. At first I liked that it was fewer techniques but you learned body control and how to focus all your muscles to maximize power. The implication is that you use that maximum power if you are attacked. I don't think I have the heart to hurt someone like that, even if they're trying to hurt me. Besides, there's so little practicality in this that I don't feel I could do shit if I were attacked. I'd just rely on my self defense from what I studied as a kid. I'm thinking I might make the switch to aikido, which lines up with my belief structure far more. I'm not going to decide until after this semester, but it's hard. I don't like to be looked at like I'm less than someone else because they come all the time. But the other students in the class aren't first or second year graduate students! In undergrad it wasn't so hard to balance courses, and once you're done with the first two graduate years it isn't so bad either. I just don't want to deal with this anymore. Besides, it's a huge time commitment that could be spent at home with carrie. I can still work out by riding our bike and hitting the punching bag, plus I can play drums. But there's no one to give me crap for not going to something.

I'm willing to admit part of this mood is due to my low energy night, still recovering from being sick and not getting enough sleep. That's why I'm not making an immediate decision. But this has been bugging me for a while, so I think it's time to make a decision. Soon...