Searching for my truth...

I'm moving my blog

2006-01-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

After some discussion with my wife, I realized the only way to be fair to both of us is to get a blog where I can post privately. I've started a blog that is now http://butchjax.wordpress.com/ I'm going to keep this one up until I can import it to the new one. But with all the fancy features, it will definately be an improvement. It might be another day or so, but I'll be posting there from now on. I hope to see everyone there!

More 'coincidences'

2006-01-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

Someday I'll get to writing about our trip...maybe. lol

Anyway, the other day we went to eat at joy east. Carrie's ankle started really hurting, so we hopped across the parking lot to her chiropractor, who is also a physical therapist. He felt around, and then yanked the hell out of her foot! It was crazy to watch lol The next day he had to adjust it another way to get the foot back to where it belonged. And now it is, but it's still swollen so he took xrays. We'll know more tomorrow. But, that's not the point of this story lol

While we were waiting I picked up a random Austin magazine that had pictures of pretty houses in it. I showed carrie a picture of this house, and all she says is "that's our kitchen!" I'm like, what?! lol Seriously? And yes, she said that's exactly what our kitchen looks like her all her dreams. So I have her look at the other pictures of the house, and it's just the kitchen that looks like ours. How interesting is that? An unscheduled stop at the chiro, picking up a random magazine for 4 or 5 months ago, and we find our kitchen? That's so amazing! lol So that's our little 'coincidence' for the week.

Also, Carrie's having dreams still. The other night she had a dream where he was older, around 18 or 19. She walks to the entry way and just sees muddy footprints, which pisses her off a bit lol. She yells "Ri!" and he comes right away. they have a discussion about taking off boots right away and stuff. But it is funny. So new details. He's wearing a union jacket, so he works a trade of some sort but is also doing music. Also, carrie went to the garage and saw his car. His license plate has a thing that says Riley on it, so I guess we're back to that name :-) But she has the sense this car was hers, and she sold it to him. It's a beautiful classic mustang in a pearl purple. Which also fits with her idea of getting a classic car and converting it to biodiesel. lol, which is hilarious. Also, we must live in a climate that gets a bit cold cause Riley is wearing a heavy jacket. Oh, and the last thing is that throughout he's just a good looking kid. She's just suprised we have such a good looking kid lol, self esteem issues popping up eh? ;-)

by the way, she hates that I write about this stuff, but I don't care. I mean I do, but I need to write about it to organize my thoughts about it. So I'm being a bit selfish, I know. And if it became a real issue, I'd stop. But I'm not writing about anything truly personal. Like my bendable morals? lol, at least I know I do it.

Today on the bus I saw this kid and I just looked at him, wondering if that's what Riley would look like. I don't mean this in a wierd, you could be the father thing, but if he's similar looking.

As time goes on, I'm more and more comfortable with the idea of having a boy by the way. I've been learning more and more about how to raise a well adjusted boy, and I think we can pull it off. Though we're still knee deep in the circumcision decision. But other than that, I really look forward to this. I just feel like my life is just going to be more and more joyfull, because I want it to be. I'm finally moving into that headspace and beliefspace to make it all happen. One step at a time, but it really feels good. :-)

visions of the future

2006-01-11T20:35:00.000-08:00

I think I discussed a little in the past about Carrie's dreams, and how they can be prophetic. Well, lately she's having consistent, vivid dreams that take place in our future. And as she tells me what happens, I feel them, like they're really happening to me. My heart fills with joy and love, for a child I have yet to meet. I want to share some of those stories now, because they make me so happy. These stories take place in all different time frames, from him being a toddler up to around age 8 or 9, though they are infrequent in comparison.

In many of the dreams we're playing. He apparently likes to climb all over me, which is fun but not fun at the same time lol. But I certainly love to play with fun kids, so this doesn't suprise me. Ok, real stories :-)

in one dream, carrie is hearing this thumping sound, over and over again. She has no idea what it is, so she leaves the studio, and lo and behold, there's our boy running up and down the stairs! She asks him what he's doing. What's his answer? "Exercising" :-P what a little snot haha apparently he was bugging me, and I told him to do it. But, I did not tell him to run up and down the stairs above the studio, which would bother carrie! But it makes me laugh like crazy hehe

Another time, he wants to play my drumset in the studio, which involves moving things around. Anyone who knows a drummer knows you never move things without permission, never! But, he really wanted to play. So I sat down, and he sat on my lap. I worked the feet, and he played away with his hands. But he could barely reach, so it was hilarious she said. Just super cute! And, he's pretty good. :-)

One story isn't so fun. We send him to school at some point, and he's not doing well. I want to pull him out, but carrie wants him to stay to learn how to sit still and pay attention. We have a huge fight about it, apparently. So that'll be interesting...I'm a staunch supporter of home schooling, so I don't see this position changing anytime soon.

A funny element to all of this...we don't know his name. He's never had a name in any dream. We call him boy, or other nicknames. Carrie's even asked him what his name is, trying to get him to spill it, but he says he doesn't know. Sometimes he's called dean, but otherwise he doesn't know. And this is what makes me laugh, because we used to have a boys name picked out, until my brother named his kid. Carrie doesn't want to have a brilee and a riley in the same family, so now we don't have a clue. But, we'll still keep dean for a middle name, which is why that'd be the only thing mentioned. At least we have some time before we have to come up with one lol

Another little change is that sometimes this kid is a girl, but only occasionally. However, it's always the same soul, the same little person inside, just a different body. I think it shows some of the flexibility in this future yet. We have a good chance of getting a boy, but it could still be a girl. In any case, carrie feels that this soul is already hanging around, just waiting for the chance to be born into our lives. And I think she's probably right. Her gut instinct tends to be correct on this, and I feel so much love for this soul that I've never seen or met, it's hard to imagine feeling it for someone who isn't ready.

Anyway, what this all adds up to for me is this: I feel that our path before us is clear. I don't mean clear as in easily seen, but free of major obstacles. It feels that between carrie and myself we've managed to removed the major belief blockages that were keeping our dream away from us. Now that we're becoming 'blended beings' as abraham says, our path is opening wide for us. It really felt, yesterday especially, that all we have to do is put in the time to make it reality. A little school, opportunities fall into place...and it's all there for us. I finally understand what god talks about in the conversations with god books. Believe and feel as if you've already received what you're asking for. Because I can feel it...I already have it. I already love this child, he's real to me. This house, this studio...it's all real. and it's all with us now, and in time it will be physically with us. It's beyond exciting to me, and I feel so much gratitude when I think about it. The stuff that abraham is sharing with us is true, and it works, boy does it work. I encourage everyone to read the books Ask and it is Given and the Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent by Esther and Jerry Hicks, and Abraham. All of the books I read before helped me reach this place, but these are the ultimate key to life. You can check out some stuff for free on their website . They have free mp3 tracks that serve as an introduction to all of this, which are quite interesting. When I listen to these, I'm filled with so much joy and energy...I hope they can bring everyone else the same.

drum heads

2006-01-11T20:02:00.000-08:00

There's nothing better than new drum heads to make things sound a ton better. oooooh...happiness :-)

The trip, part 1 (Austin - River Falls)

2006-01-06T22:05:00.000-08:00

Let's see how much I can remember...

Day 1 - we drove. a lot. all the way to kansas city. blah... however, the hotel was super worth the money. :-) Yay for holiday inn! We arrived after the kitchen closed, but they let us heat up our soups in the microwave. We had a nice picnic of soup and sandwhiches on the bed while watching tv. A nice little evening :-)

Day 2 - more driving. When we got up to the twin cities it started to snow in random patches. We missed the turn to find Amanda's taco bell, but she gave us directions for woodbury. I got to remember how to drive in light snow, which was good. She fed us, and we got to talk for a little. Amanda is such a sweetheart, truly one of the most kindhearted people I've ever met. And she's going to Japan next week! Super cool!

After taco bell we made it to river falls. Since it was nip tuck night (and a certain boy is an asshole) we said screw it and saw Danielle and our godson Colton. It was already after 10 pm but he was wide awake and playing with his trains. Apparently I'm loads of fun because he had to show me all of his toys. It was beyond cute! We had to leave before too long so we didn't keep crystal up though.

The next day, wednesday I believe, was quite the day. I woke up, went outside, and my front tire is flat on the ground! We put on the spare, and made an appointment at firestone in hudson. In the meantime, Amanda came by and we went by school, saw Jon for a bit. After she dropped us off we drove very slowly to hudson (after filling the spare). Turns out, there was nothing wrong with the tire. That confused us both, but what can you do. The kid put the tire back on, and then came back and asked if my car starts wierd. Now I'm really confused. So we go out there, and it turns out my freakin ignition cylinder went out, right there in the bay! So the mechanic messed with it, and he ends up keeping the car overnight until Toyota gets the part to him in the morning. So Crystal picks us up and we go back to her place. We made her watch debs with us, which was lots of fun, and then borrowed her car to see Danielle and colton again. He was hilarious again. this time we brought his present too so we played with trains in a little people castle. He also had to show me all of his books, which was super cute :-)

A short digression on colton. The kid is 2 1/2, but he's so freakin smart! He put together his thomas the tank engine tracks, and knows all their names. He's able to drink out of full soda cans without any spilling. None of the fancy seatbelts can hold him because he figures them out too fast. And you can truly watch him think when he plays. Never saw him throw any toys, didn't hit them, nothing you expect toddlers to do. It's crazy! It was an amazing experience with him, and was truly sad to say goodbye.

Ok, back to story. In the end, we get the car back, use my mom's credit card to pay the $300 bill (eeek!) and end up able to leave later on thursday. We swing by burger king to see josh, who makes us the best whoppers ever! And he was super fun. he clearly needs more gay friends. lol

So thursday we made it to my parents house. And with that I will end this post.

home safe

2006-01-05T22:29:00.000-08:00

and that's about all the energy I have to type tonight. I'll update later.

vacation

2005-12-18T14:04:00.000-08:00

Just a note, we're leaving for wisconsin tomorrow morning. Things are a bit hectic, and tight on money, but it'll be ok. I used priceline to book our hotel so we have a room at the holiday inn in Kansas City for only $35! Too bad the one day we're there is the day they're doing maintenance on the whirlpool, figures lol

Here's our general itinerary:

19 dec - leave
21 dec - arrive at River Falls in the evening
22 dec - leave for my parents that evening sometime (it's only 4 hours anyway)
23-31 dec - in New London at my parents
31 dec - drive to Evansville (about 8 hours)
31 dec - 4 jan in Evansville, with a side trip to indianapolis hopefully
4 jan - 6 jan drive back to Austin, definately taking 2 days so we aren't too sore and insane!

I know not many people read this, but if someone that I know from back home or the area reads this and wants to see us, email or call. We'll see what we can do. :-)

peace

2005-12-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

sigh...everyone is so angry, and passionate...and loud. I just want some peace. Violence does not create peace. That misguided idea is what has kept our world very far from peace. Being against war does not make you against the soldiers fighting the war. Maybe some of us just want there to be some other options. Diplomacy, is that so hard to try? Apparently it is. just give us something else. Our government doesn't even pretend to try something else. What's that quote? "the definition of insanity is repeating the same action while expecting different results" We're insane.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world" should be the golden rule. Why is it so hard to live by?

Ouch, my head is shrinking!

2005-12-12T00:23:00.000-08:00

Studying for finals makes my head shrink. Or maybe it's swelling, which makes it feel squished lol, in any case, I definately need to take some time to relax and let my head feel the right size.

I've gotten quite a bit of studying done, though I still have much to do. Thankfully, I still have 2 full days to study. Then wednesday from 2-5, it's all over, and I can do all the stuff I haven't done for a week. Like grading, research, cleaning, video games...I can't wait to play some civilization 3! lol, it's driving me nuts, because I really want to play, but can't allow myself to. I've calmed that desire a bit by playing advance wars on my ds for short breaks. But I want civilization! lol I think I want to be the romans this time. I watched something on history channel about roman advances, it's amazing! So hopefully that bodes well for the game too :-)

So yeah, I should go get ready for bed. Sleep is necessary for studying too, contrary to what many college students thing. Silly kids!

Where did jazz go?

2005-12-10T22:34:00.000-08:00

I'm not talking about this crap they play on radio stations that sounds like elevator music, with more electronics than electronica. I'm talking big bands, combos, no electricity (besides mics and bass/guitar amps), and standards. Where did it go? I loved, seriously loved playing big band. My summers spent at Birch Creek were the most amazing times of my life, still. But where do kids go once they leve high school and camp? Where can they play? I really want to know where jazz is hiding, because I want it back.

I've been listening to jazz all week since I've been studying for finals. I don't have a good collection, unfortunately, but what I have is damn good. My playlist includes some of the greatest big bands like Count Basie, who swung so damn hard you kept moving during the ballads, Stan Kenton, who's song Malaguena is described by my friend as "a fist made out of brass instruments punching you right in the face. only in a good way!". And then a healthy mix of Dizzy Gillespie, Miles Davis (before he went wacko in the 80's), Charlie Parker, and John Coltrane (including some of the way out there stuff). There are so many songs in this playlist that I've played, either on bass or drums. And even the songs I don't know at all, I just love them. I don't know what it is about jazz that I enjoy so much more than other genres, but there's no replacing it. I mean, how do you compare any rock song to jazz?! You can't, it's just a different thing. And don't get me wrong, I like my other genres, but they don't reach inside me like this does as a general rule.

I guess I'm just lamenting the inability for me to hear good jazz live. You get soooo spoiled at birch creek, the pros are so amazing. And as a student you learn so much it's sick. Living jazz from 8 am to 10pm some nights you can't help but learn a lot. And not just about jazz, but life. Oh the things I learned about people lol

So if anyone knows where jazz is hiding, let me know, because I miss it terribly. I'm even starting to think that when I'm finally settled someplace I'll start to put out word that I want to form a community big band. We may suck, but we'll have fun while sucking! :-D

Helping in the freezing rain

2005-12-07T21:32:00.000-08:00

Tonight winter has hit Texas. The rain started a bit before 5pm, so that by the time we left CiCi's there was already a good bit of ice on the car. I heard that between 5 and 9 pm there were 150 wrecks in the area. (remember to slow down for ice) However, we decided that blockbuster isn't very far away, so we decided to scrape off the car and give it a try, with the agreement that if the roads were slick we'd turn around. But, neither of us had a bad feeling, so we went for it.

It took quite a few minutes and half the plastic ice scraper to clean off the windows. (note to self, buy a metal scraper) One guy thought we were crazy to go out in the ice. "I just got in a big pile up" he says. I just answer "I'm from Wisconsin, I'm used to this stuff." I don't think he believed me, but I knew how to feel out the roads and wasn't worried. I did, however, thank him for his warning.

The roads were perfect the entire way to blockbuster. Unfortunately, they didn't have the movie Carrie wanted (the Skeleton Key will never be in, I've decided) When we leave the building I hear a familiar voice ask us for some change. I've give this man money on many an occasion, any time I have some on me. He's always grateful and polite, and he now remembers me. Tonight I gave him $5, because quite frankly, he needs it much more tonight.

I learned many things tonight. The Salvation Army does not hand out coats to the homeless until there have been three freezing nights. Three huh? Maybe they're trying to weed out the homeless population, because I can't think of a single good reason for that restriction. The stores in the strip mall pay him under the table to do odd jobs. For instance, night stocking, dusting, whatever they can have him do. It gets him out of the cold at nights, and gives him a little money. And there's the woman at Tiger Mart who has bought him socks, and a skull cap, just some little things to help him out. He also gets free hot chocolate. Tonight, some guy, with a wallet full of money gave him a beer. He declined, and the guy insisted, apparently not believing that the man didn't want beer but food and shelter. The young man gave him 2 beers and left. Bizarre...suprising how assumptions can be so persistent.

The man's name, I learned, is William Austin. He's a gulf war vet, and is homeless because he quit his job. In this economy, that appears to be a bad decision. But it was his decision, he understands that. William is a good guy. I don't doubt that he'll remember our names, as he remembers our faces. And I will certainly remember his.

And, to top all of this experience off, Carrie asked if she could give him her hoodie that she was wearing. All he had was one hoodie and a tshirt himself. How could I say no to her or him? He was beyond impressed, it's not often people give you the clothes off their back. I hope it helps him stay a little warmer tonight. And tomorrow, we will drive back and try to find him to give him an actual winter jacket. We have at least one carhart that should fit him and keep him much warmer. There's no reason why someone should have to wait three days in the freezing cold and rain before they are given appropriate clothing.

We learned one other thing from William tonight. He said he assumed we were bisexual or something (we sort of muttered because we're not bi, but we are gay, and that was his point) and he said we're black. He shared a conversation with his girlfriend April who said she wondered what it was like to be discriminated against. He said, "you should know, you're bisexual. You're black! If you've been discriminated against, you're black". There are many in the black community that would disagree, but I do agree with him. It's different and the same all at once. But it was still suprising to hear. But that's just another way we're the same, according to him. I think it's a way for him to connect to more people.

As we drove away, he waved to us from inside Albertson's where he was going to get some food and stock shelves. We waved back, because he's our friend now too.

Rent

2005-11-29T22:35:00.000-08:00

Oh my god, I could have sworn I blogged about this movie! lol, silly me. So friday night we went to see Rent at Alamo Lake Creek, because that was the only Alamo showing it. Apparently we can't see movies anywhere else now lol, we're totally spoiled. Where else can you get yummy chips and queso? :-)

Anyway, the movie...it's excellent. It stays true to the musical, even when it changes things a bit. For instance, the background of Joann is skipped, so that's a little odd. And Maureen and Joann's fight is in a completely different setting, but it's hilarious! The movie made us cry, a lot, which is a good sign. When someone can make you cry, even when you know what happens, then they did a good job.

I also think it's neat to see so many of the people who originated these roles. And the newcomers definately do it justice, so I didn't feel like anyone was 'wrong'. Rosario Dawson, a big kudos, she nailed Mimi.

Something I find interesting is comparing the original cast recordings to the movie versions of the same songs. Even though you have the same people, there can be some big differences in how they interpret the song 9 years later. Well, it's interesting to musical folks like myself lol. For instance, Without You is done a few steps lower in the movie than in the musical. I have no idea why, because Rosario clearly has the range. Maybe it will make sense after seeing it again. It may just set the mood differently. lol, maybe it will be explained in the special features of the dvd :-)

So, my final review is, excellent movie. Worth seeing, multiple times in fact. I want to go see it again, but I'll have to wait since we don't have the money. DVD now!!!

Indigo Lesbians

2005-11-28T20:06:00.000-08:00

(as you can tell, I should be doing homework, so instead I'm rambling here lol)

Anyway, a few weeks ago already I received a random email from some indigo lesbians. Strangely enough, they were having trouble finding other lesbian indigos, and I was the only place that popped up via google. It seems strange, but then I thought about it more. Many of the people are gay or bi, but they don't use the language. Instead they talk about soul makes, and soul connections. Sexuality really isn't the issue for them, so it isn't discussed in the same way as other people would discuss it.

Anyway, today I im'd her for the first time, and it was very nice :-) I actually got an interesting feeling in my chest, which was...hotter...than what the warmth normally feels like. It's hard to describe, since it's not a true heat sensation since there's no burning involved, but it still feels hotter, and more focused. For instance, I usually feel warmth in my chest that takes up easily half my chest. This was more like an inch or so in diameter. More focused, which may be why the energy felt 'hotter', since it was compressed into a smaller space. anyway...time to shut of the logic part of me lol

When I felt that, I felt a great love. I've been having so many problems lately with frustration, etc (overstating the obvious, see previous posts) and in the midst of that feeling it all went away. Love feels great by the way! I was able to let go of all of the crap, and just feel it. And then I acted on it. I apologized to someone, and tried to make things right. I even consciously said, that's what love would do. :-)

I'm not saying this will stick around forever or anything, but it feels good now. And with that, I turn to my homework. Good night.

Finally!!!!!!!!

2005-11-28T19:03:00.000-08:00

Sara Lee Foodservice� - Product Main PageAha! These are my favorites, and the one thing that disappointed me most about Texas, the inability to get Cheddy brats (as I call them, even though they're smoked sausage lol) But, the other day, I look over and, holy shit! Fucking Cheddy brats! I seriously picked up 2 packages and called home immediately! lol, my brother made fun of Texas for being like a million years behind the times, since we've been eating them all of our lives, but it doesn't matter. I'm just beyond happy they have them now! Woohoo!!!!!!

I quit

2005-11-28T18:10:00.000-08:00

I quit all the stuff that is sucking me down. I will focus only on those things that are necessary. Those being:
1. Homework
2. Research
3. Teaching
4. Traditional training followups
5. Meditation

Do you think if I put it in writing, it will stick with me? lol rawr! so annoying!!!! what's annoying? everything lol, I hate this part of the school year where I get all stressed out and pissed off and it's fucking...grrrr...just yeah...it's obnoxious, this feeling. Need to figure this out...

when you say too much

2005-11-28T16:35:00.000-08:00

It's funny what happens when, even though others agree with you, if you're the person who does the actual speaking up, you're the person that catches all the flak for it when it's not popular anymore. When others wouldn't speak up, either because they were too shy, or too busy, whatever, and I was the person who stepped up and did it. I think that's interesting...And kinda shitty really. But, whatever. Time to step back and become inconspicuous again. Maybe someone else will take control for once, as has been asked in the past.

mood: annoyed, slightly bitter, and frustrated

Time to do some homework.

I hate getting pissed

2005-11-27T22:22:00.000-08:00

I really hate when someone finally gets to me enough that I get upset. It's like all that work I do to let things go flies out the window. It's annoying! lol, and then I have to waste time regaining my composure.

The way I usually avoid this is by trying to understand why someone is delusional, an asshole, whatever. But when I get to the point where I lose it, it makes it that much more difficult to care. What do I care if they have issues with being right, or if they were shit on by their parents? I often just say, I don't care.

And then, somewhere, that little sane part of myself reminds me that I do care. And as much as I want to hit them, I wouldn't because I do care. And because that would go against all my principles. To first remain in control of my emotions, not acting from them. And second, to help the world by bringing in love, compassion, and understanding rathering than adding hurt by bringing in frustration, anger, and fear.

So it turns into this whole big annoying thing of internal conflict, what I should do vs what I want to do, whether to act from my highest (or even slightly higher) self or from my lower self.

Constant lessons, that's what life supplies. Whether you like them or not, they are there for you, until you learn them. sigh...

To the anti-military recruiters

2005-11-25T23:04:00.000-08:00

There's this whole anti-recruiter movement, especially on campus. I understand their point in a way. Their motto is books not guns. Basically that kids should be in college and not in the military and at war. I wonder if their concern is really for the people though. This is why.

Having been in the military, there are different groups of people. A vast majority of enlisted are poor or lower middle class. These are not people that were going to college anyway either for money or education reasons. If it weren't for the military they would be working a dead end job that in the end was meaningless. The military, therefore, provides a way out of their down, out of their dead end life, and into a family (hopefully) and a way to make a difference in the world (hopefully).

Then there are those who basically had the choice of military or jail. Now this isn't always a good idea either, but either they shape up or end up doing something stupid to send them to the brig. At least they are given a chance to go somewhere with their life this way. One example is Doc Therin (spelling is wrong I bet) who was in the Navy instead of going to jail. He was a corpsman, and going to college in his spare time to get his medical degree. The military gave him the chance to go to school and provide for his son. Jail certainly wouldn't have done that.

Then there are people like me. People who for one reason or another always wanted to be in the military. I went to a year of college, found it boring. It just wasn't where i needed to be at the time. No, I didn't know exactly everything before going in, but it was a decision I made, on my own. No one forced me, and no one convinced me.

So perhaps I'm more of the person these people are worrying about, those that are in college and leave for the military. The thing is, if you're in college, you're a somewhat intelligent person. The decision to leave college for military shouldn't be done lightly. But, I don't agree that anyone needs a group of college kids acting like a parent telling recruiters to stay away. What do these people know anyway? How do they know that college is really best for a person? Last time I checked a college degree doesn't guarantee anything, especially in Austin. Maybe the military is exactly where a person needs to be at that point in their life. I think it's highly arrogant to assume you know what's best for an individual.

Yes, I think there are recruiters who lie and really work kids to join. And there are some that really don't know what they're getting into. But, these are usually the poorest of the poor. What other option do they have? If you want the military to not be an option, find another one. Give these people another opportunity, because until there is one, the military is the best place to go. You are given everything you need to live. Yes, you may have to go to war, and that sucks. People need to know that before they sign up. But I think these anit-recruiter groups are selling people short in thinking they can't protect themselves from the predatory recruiters.

Who are these anti-recruiter people anyway? Seems to me like they're just some upper class kids who know nothing about struggle and survival. They have their ideals with no understanding of what those ideals mean to others. Most of the recruiters, I believe, are good guys just trying to do the best they can in a job that really sucks. But it's their job. And, if they're still in the military, they obviously think there's enough redeeming qualities to bring other people into service.

You don't have to agree with them. You don't have to join, but stop ragging on everyone who joins the military. We're not stupid. I don't think I met anyone in the military who got screwed completely. Also, it's up to the individuals to check facts a bit before signing on the line. We're all adults when we join. And those that aren't had to have parents who signed them in. If you don't want your kid joining the military, don't sign the papers. Make them wait until they're 18. Show them the other side of what the recruiters say. But don't put this all on the recruiters. It's a cop out. Personal responsibility is what everything comes down to. Try it sometime.

*note* I realize I have a somewhat tainted view since I came through the Marine Corps, and I hold them to a higher standard. I haven't run into anyone who is truly unhappy. I can't speak for the Army, which needs much higher numbers for enlistment, thus the recruiters are under greater pressure. In any case, my points still stand. If these people weren't getting something out of being in the military, they would be making a bigger noise about recruiting practices. But I think once you're in you let that go and just go with the flow.

Can a person have two souls?

2005-11-25T21:56:00.000-08:00

This is now the second time I've had to confront this question and I still don't know the answer. Two people in my life had significant parts of themselves that didn't feel like them. The more extreme of the examples is the person who feels like most of their life up to age 13 they spent watching their life from outside their body. As if they didn't actually inhabit it until they were 13. The difference at 13 was that they were put on ritalin and went to a camp where he met the trees.

Now, I did find a reference to soul braiding, where two souls inhabit the same body, but that's the only reference I found online. And it didn't appear to fit him, he said. I found another reference from a man who said his spirit guides said that two souls couldn't inhabit the same body because it violates the free will of the souls, which is impossible. I'm inclined to agree with him. I can't imagine how two souls could coexist, and certainly not in a way that's so destructive.

What does make more sense to me is that his soul was not grounded to his body. Therefore, much of his life was spent outside of his body. Bad things could happen because there wasn't anyone 'home' protecting from outside influences. So manipulative people could take control of him without his being able to stop them.

The difference at 13 is the trees called to his soul, grounding it to earth. With the soul more firmly rooted to the body it could dispell the manipulative forces and stay in control. I don't honestly know how the ritalin contributed, though it probably prevented astral episodes since it seems to shut down other metaphysical gifts.

So why would this be happening again? Perhaps it's mismanaging of the new energy on earth. If someone is not taking time to align themselves they could be thrown so out of whack that they're a mess. Perhaps he's not following the path he needs to right now. I really don't know. And even if I'm right about all of this, he'll disagree anyway lol But if anyone knows, I'm all ears.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T21:47:00.000-08:00

Carrie cooked our first, all alone, full Thanksgiving feast! It was excellent! We had so much food, I'm just now beginning to be a little hungry, and we ate around 4 lol. The turkey was perfect, plus we had real mashed potatoes, real gravy from the bird, green beans seasoned with smoked sausage, and real made from scratch dressing. Plus some corn because it's a rule, and my favorite jellied cranberry sauce (ocean spray only!) Hehe, it was nice. We both ate a bunch, and then felt quite sleepy. But I opted for a little drum time, since I haven't played in weeks and missed it. Unfortunately my endurance is crap, so I only played a few songs before my brother called and I quit for the evening. I'll definately have to make time more often.

I hope everyone had a good Turkey day. I already decorated the tree, and it looks so nice! And the blue icicle lights are up on our balcony. I feel much better now :-) I can't wait to see what Carrie does with the Christmas village hehe, it's a suprise. I still want a mini tree for all of our mini ornaments and a tree skirt. Usually I put the mini's on the tree, but this year the tree is already full since it's tucked into a corner. See, in our family our parents gave me and my brother hallmark ornaments every year as we were older. I also have ornaments from my babysitter when I was really little. So there are a few groups on the tree. The stuff from my childhood, including my first christmas, painted ceramics from my babysitter (which I absolutely adore!) and the halmarks that just say daughter and the year. Then there are the star wars ones, which are fun. Then the Harry Potter section, and finally the space section. I like it, though very few ornaments are Carrie's. But, mom and dad keep getting us little personalized ones so we have matching snowmen and such, and she has her own colts ornament, which goes right next to my packers ornament. hehe :-) I love Christmas, and just because of the family stuff, not gifts. It's just nice. :-)

Why I like Texas this week

2005-11-22T21:15:00.000-08:00

Notice I didn't say love? I don't think I can ever love Texas. But there are some nice things about it.

1. Texas renaissance fair - We went for a few hours on sunday, which is the last day, thanks to some free passes. It's huge, for one, and quite amusing. People not even in costume walking around with swords, because, where else can you walk around with swords? hehe Also, some costumes were amazing! And...best of all...I got to eat some homemade pierogie! Yummy!!! So many different foods, you can't go wrong.

We also saw some great crafts, including these amazing amulets made out of clay and with symbols inscribed. I've never seen such nice amulets, between the colors and unique symbols. Unfortunately he only sells at ren fairs, but I will return next year for them. We also got this super cool looking dragon carved from wood (we think) that was only $10. Definately a good deal. So, if you have money to burn, the ren fair is a good place to do it at.

Ooh, and I almost forgot the best part. We went in this little haunted house like thing, and the two girls ahead of us freaked out. They seriously waited so we could catch up, then had us go ahead of them. They were literally hanging on carrie and screaming. It wasn't really that scary either. lol, very wierd and funny and worth the $3 hehe

2. It's finally cooled off. It feels like fall! It's a miracle! Granted, back home they had snow for my birthday, but cool weather is good enough for me. Now if only the packers could manage to win! Stupid vikings and their last second field goals. :-P

3. Hmm...guess I'm a little short on the liking stuff today. I'm not going to force it, just get ready for bed and let tomorrow be better. We plan to go to the Ansel Adams exhibit at the Ransom Center. I can't wait!

Why I hate Texas this week

2005-11-22T21:04:00.000-08:00

Here's my rundown:

$151 - the cost of the new taillight needed to pass inspection because you can't have tape or anything over a working light, even though you can in Wisconsin. That does not include the gas it took to run to north austin (spicewood springs) and then back to far south austin (almost slaughter lane) just to end up at the dealership.

$40 - the cost of the vehicle safety and emissions test. this doesn't include the hour waiting around for it

$172 - the suprise cost of changing my registration over. this includes a $90 fee for new residents. How's that for a welcome to texas? Yeah, not so fucking funny when you're basically broke now

Over $350 when my car is still legally registered in wisconsin until june. Why the fuck do they require this crap? It's a giant conspiracy.

Hmm...and if you can't tell, the stress of the past few days has left me irritable, quick to lose my temper, and speaking in quite piss poor language. Sometimes I really fucking hate texas.

Season Opener - UT vs NM

2005-11-18T19:57:00.000-08:00

It's officially college basketball season again, as the UT women opened against New Mexico tonight. I went by myself since Carrie is sleeping off our exhausting week, which meant I had an extra ticket. After watching people for a bit I walked up to 2 women who were waiting for tickets and asked if they wanted a free ticket since my wife couldn't attend. Lucky for me, they invited me to sit with them, if I didn't have anyone to sit with. It was cute, one of the women even said 'we're family'. Haha, it's been since the military that I heard queers referred to as family. :-) They were all nice, and definately better than sitting alone.

As for the game, there were some definate high points. The defense rocked the last 10 minutes of the first half. Ariaran got hot somewhere in the middle and ended up with quite a few points. She also decided to wear her hair slicked down which really threw me off! I think I like it better though, she looks more serious and hard core. Cortijo also made some things happen at the end, but it wasn't enough to win. I wish Norman could have played more, especially in the second half, but I'm guessing her knee was acting up. The second half wasn't as good, which is probably just inexperience. I can see the potential in this team, it's just a matter of how fast they get it together. It should be exciting :-)

Harry Fucking Potter!

2005-11-18T01:30:00.000-08:00

Oh my god, they seriously can't make a bad Harry Potter movie! This movie is so awesome. So, we went to see Harry at the Alamo Drafthouse, which is the greatest movie theater on the planet! We got there when the doors were supposed to open, yet the theater was already full...wierd huh? lol So we were pretty close up front, but it was fine. Before the movie they showed random clips, including a bizarre interprative dance film, he-man, super chicken, fantasia, and then bizarre low budget witch films. Interspersed was Harry Potter trivia, both on screen and as a contest. The approx 10 year old girl just kicked everyone's ass, she knew stuff that no one should know lol

As always we ordered chips and queso, because it's damn good. We also ordered a non-alcoholic butterbeer, because quite simply, it's a must try. Apparently everyone agreed because they got very backed up. But when you have 6 theaters showing Harry Potter, that's a lot of butterbeers to make! By the way, it's pretty good. It's a spiced sweet drink, and the only thing that threw me off was the carbination. Carrie liked it quite a lot also.

The movie...just awesome. The dragons were great, and the elements at school we really nice. Snape smacked the kids up a bit, which was hilarious, and the growing tension between hermione and ron worked well. Oh, and before I forget, the quidditch world cup...I couldn't stop smiling. I mean, ear to ear grin! It's as if you're there, even though it's just a movie. So amazing! And so much of it was as I imagined, or pretty close. They did a great job. I even shed a tear in the end when Harry is crying over Cedric's body. He's really growing as an actor, which is good.

Now if only I had the money to buy tshirts! Lol, they have the coolest glow-in-the-dark dark mark tshirt, and it's badass. They also have one that just says "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good" and "Republicans for Voldemort" hahaha! Though I probably would get the cute red shirt with a simple drawing of harry.

So yeah, obviously, this is an awesome movie. And yes, it's very dark. But it's necessary, and really sets the tone. The lighthearted moments definately balance it out though. If there's any doubt in your mind about seeing this movie, it should be gone. Go see the movie! You won't regret it (but realize it's 2hrs 37 minutes so be prepared) :-)

Happy Birthday to me!

2005-11-15T18:10:00.000-08:00

I was totally suprised to come home today to my birthday package that UPS said was still in Louisville! I got the Advance Wars DS game I asked for, and my mom found the perfect shirt. It's got a wisconsin license plate that says gr8 st8 on it, with a map behind it, though that's subtle. So fuck all that texas pride shit, Wisconsin's where it's at! hahahaha They can make me change my license, but I'll never ever claim this state as home.

Also, she included a super cute picture of my nephew in his bee costume. His birthday is Oct 30th, so it makes sense to get pictures in his costume. Here's the picture

Click on it to see it larger obviously :-)

So even though Carrie is passed out on the couch, it's been a good day. I got a few cards, and last night Ash's mom sang happy birthday to me on the phone :-D Plus, talking to Ash is always awesome! So hooray!!!

I better figure out what to eat. Later!

Secret pasts

2005-11-14T23:13:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling this sense of displacement lately. It's only way I can describe it. I'm sure plenty of people know what I mean, but I need to talk about it. For me, the Marine Corps was a culmination of a lifelong dream to join the military. It was the first decision I made that I didn't consult with anyone else about. I just knew that's what I needed to do instead of college at the time. And even though it scared my mom, and people didn't understand it, I did it. I did the work to get in shape before boot camp, I busted my ass when I was there, and I made it without being the worst recruit!

There is nothing like the feeling of making it through the crucible, and seeing the Iwo Jima memorial statue. It means you only have a few blocks to go to become a Marine. I started to lose it as soon as I saw it, though I tried not to cry. I wasn't the only one. We formed up on the statue, in rows according to our crucible teams. I was towards the back, since I was one of the shorter ones. By the time SSgt Whitebull came to me, the irony was not lost. She said I was always her strong one, as I'm just crying like a baby. By the way, it's hard to cry with bearing lol. But that moment meant the world to me. It was the release of 3 months of stress, loneliness, and hard work. And I did it. I said I was going to do this, and I did! And SSgt was proud of me, which you crave to hear. I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. After everyone received their eagle, globe and anchor we sang the Marine Corps Hymn with more gusto than ever before. When the last line comes around "You will know the streets are guided by United States Marines" we were all shouting. The most amazing release.

From there it's downhill. You just can't create that experience again. I enjoyed school, met some great people, including my most confusing relationship. I graduated number 2 for A school and number 1 at C school. And then, I made the fateful decision to request a west coast assignment. This was the decision that took me out of the Marine Corps in the end. It also woke me up to the reality of what Don't Ask Don't Tell created, an atmosphere of distrust and isolation. But that's detailed a few days ago.

So now, I've been out of the Corps for 5 1/2 years now. In grad school people don't question why I'm older, nor do I look 27. People only know that I was a Marine if I mention the military. And even then, they can't understand the importance of that title and experience to me. No one can understand the feeling I get inside when I think about it, except someone who's been there. I mean, for three months it's all you think about, and after it's still your whole life. And you're a part of something, something with history and tradition, and that means something. Nothing compares to that feeling. Even though it sucked, I knew that I was a good Marine. Even if those around me didn't, I lived the core values of Honor, Courage and Commitment. I still have my card they gave us in boot camp to remind us. Even saying this now I'm sure most can't understand the depth to which this affects me. At my core I am a Marine.

But no one knows. And that is a wierd feeling. I cherish my Marine buddies because those few people also know and understand. They lived it too. They don't look at me like I shouldn't be proud of being a Marine, and I don't have to explain what happened. I'm just me. And they understand that it never leaves you. That is why they say "Once a Marine, always a Marine". That core element will always be with you. It makes you try harder, hold yourself to a higher standard, because that's what a Marine does.

I guess I just really needed to say this. It's been coming up a lot recently, and like all synchronicities needs to be addressed. Thanks for listening to my rant. :-)

Semper Fi

Synchronicity

2005-11-14T23:08:00.000-08:00

It's absolutely fascinating to hear when someone else has a whole string of synchronicities. Tonight Ash told me about the most amazing messages she received this past weekend in Seattle. I can't wait to see what it all means. But, I'd be willing to bet there will be some amazing songs that come from it.

Even without this, I just know that Ash is going to explode onto the scene soon. When is soon? lol, who knows. Relative to a lifetime, it will be soon. hahaha And when it does, everyone will know the brilliance that is my best friend Ash. :-)

Photobucket

2005-11-12T02:24:00.000-08:00

For those who are interested, I got a scanner today, for free, thanks to freecycle. I've spent a lot of time scanning in pictures, and have thus opened a photobucket account. It's public, so feel free to head over there and take a look. I'll keep adding as time goes by. :-)

Memory

2005-11-11T15:47:00.000-08:00

Memory is a funny thing. As time goes on we tend to forget all of the bad things that occured in a situation and are left with the good. Which is why we always want to return to the 'good ol days', we've forgotten they weren't really good!

The reason I bring this up is because of the Marine Corps Birthday, which makes me feel that pride of being a Marine, even if it's tainted by situations. For instance, I'm not really retired, though I was discharged honorably. Last night I decided to call myself Lcpl Meyer, USMC queerly retired. It amuses me, and it's accurate lol So that's one thing that taints the whole Marines thing. But I so easily forget the reasons why I left when I did. Thankfully, I saved the letter that I wrote (with the help of sldn) to my CO to begin the discharge process under Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I'll include it here, because I think it puts things into perspective.

And before anyone thinks it's an easy thing to do, decide to come out and get discharged, it's really not. I was scared to death, paranoid of getting caught before doing this on my own, and needed constant encouragement from myself to maintain the courage. It sounds silly, but the Garth Brooks song 'Do what you gotta do' was played every single morning on the way to work to get me in the right mindset. And, before this happened I tried to get a transfer to another area, at least temporarily via the chaplain. But I wasn't able to voice my concerns and explain why, so it didn't happen. I really wanted to stay in the Marines, but knew I had to leave. It's a crappy place to be in. But it's where I ended up. People can agree or disagree, but they can't take my title away from me. I earned it, blood, sweat and tears, and am damn proud of it.

----------------
29 March 2000

LtCol. Shaw
MWSS-374
29 Palms, CA 92278

Dear LtCol. Shaw:

1. I am writing this letter to you because I have finally reached my breaking point. I have been under a lot of pressure for the past year and a half trying to keep my sexual orientation a secret. I can no longer live a lie. I must tell you that I am a lesbian. I don't look straight, I don't act straight, and I am concerned that it would only be a matter of time before I am investigated for being who I am.

2. About two months ago I went to speak to the chaplain for an hour because I was so upset by the anti-gay climate I am forced to work in. The people I work with are very homophobic. I hear the word “fag,” “buttpacker,” “buttplate,” and other degrading anti-gay comments constantly throughout the day. I also am forced to stay silent while my coworkers talk about how they hate gays and that if their kids end up gay they'll disown them and kick them out. I know I can't speak up because if I spoke up and told my coworkers how wrong they were, the rumors about me would get a millions times worse. But it's very hard to listen to those comments and not let it affect me. I've tried. Every day I try. It's not fair that because of the Marine Corps’ “Homosexual Conduct Policy” I have waived all of my first amendment rights while my co-workers can speak so hatefully.

3. Most people I work with assume I'm a lesbian. When I was at medical one of the doctors asked me why I had such short hair. I told him I like it that way. He then told me that a lot of people talk about me and about my sexual orientation. He said that most people think that I'm gay.

4. I don't associate much with the other people in my squadron so they end up making things up about me. I have one close friend who has told me that people ask him all the time if I'm straight or gay. He doesn't answer their questions, but it is clear that everyone I work with speculates about my sexual orientation.

5. Recently, there was an incident where I was walking to my car and I heard someone say, "get a haircut marine." I assumed that they were talking to me because I then heard them call me “he/she” as I opened my trunk. Following that comment someone said “ma’am” in my direction. But by the time I got back to the barracks I couldn't tell who made those comments. These comments, and others like them, make me distrustful of most of the Marines in my barracks.

6. It became clear to me that I needed to tell you that I am a lesbian when Capt. Campbell gave us our training on the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. The first statement Capt. Campbell made after reading the policy to us was that homosexuality is incompatible with Marine Corps’ core values. If that is the way the Marine Corps feels, I can't survive under this policy. Particularly when after the training there were a lot of anti-gay jokes by the guys.

7. There were also anti-gay jokes and teasing about the Department of the Army Inspector General’s harassment survey. The day before the survey we were to send a person on a working party to set up the room where it was going to be held. People made jokes about needing to put up pink streamers or something since we didn't know what the set up was supposed to be. When the time came to send someone, I was chosen to go since I wasn't busy. I actually made a joke about having to go put up streamers. I felt bad since I was playing along with their game but I didn't feel like I could control it. Most of the time I feel like if I don’t play along with the jokes and comments, I will become even more of a target then I already am.

8. I am forced to remain silent while all of the comments and jokes I hear at work contribute to the overall difficulty I have living a lie. I try my best to be brave and live my life as I am. It's hard, too hard. I will no longer deny to anyone that I am a lesbian and that I want to have honest relationships with women without having to hide or live in fear.

9. Although my coworkers are already discussing my perceived sexual orientation, I request that you keep this information as confidential as possible. I am very concerned about what might happen to me if their suspicions are confirmed. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Jackie L Meyer

bizarrre mix of dreamspace

2005-11-11T10:14:00.000-08:00

Wow, the mix of dreams last night/this morning. All I'm remembering are little bits and pieces of each. There was a whole section involving the main female character spencer from south of nowhere (on noggin) I think...And all I want to say right now is there was a lot of sex...but, not with me lol, it was just wierd. There was a section involving the apartment complex, but it was too wierd to really remember. That was probably due to the people taking out a freakin window directly below the one where I was sleeping. Nice...

The parts I remember clearly I'll try to describe. I hopped in the car with what seemed like my parents, and my brother, and the south of nowhere chick. I asked in some way if I could come in, and got in the passenger side (back) sitting next to spencer. By the way, we are all by Grace Lutheran church in sugar bush (my childhood church). So we get onto the road that goes between 45 and D or whatever that road is on the other side of sugar bush. Anyway...spencer tries to hold my hand, but it's really bright and I feel self conscious, so I work my arm under hers and then hold her hand, and we both sort of settle and lean on each other for a nap. Then the car pulls over, following a line of other cars already pulled over. This is where the dream gets symbolic perhaps, so it gets a new paragraph :-)

I look out the window to the right, and first I see a small dog/wolf. I say that because I haven't seen many wolves in my time, but it didn't look like it was actully a dog, and definately wasn't a coyote, which I've seen many of. Then, it's like there's a split in the earth. Like if you were looking at the scene, and you cut horizontally across the view, then just sort of shift it up, leaving just a dark spot. It was also kinda like looking at a small bridge that was black underneath. Anyway, under that came a much larger wolf. I mean the difference between a smaller medium sized dog and a very large rottie. And then a few more wolves came out, not a whole lot, but more than 3 total lol. There was also a woman, standing and watching from her yard. By the way, only the big one came from the wierd dark place. None of them were scary, just random.

So that's all I really remember. Very wierd. And what's with dreaming of 16 year old girls? eeek! haha, subconsciously fighting a birthday perhaps? Accept the age jaxson! hahaha

but now I need to get clothes and to school. Going to be late!

Earth meditation

2005-11-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

Tonight begins 11/11, a powerful date due to it's numerological significance. I won't pretend to be able to explain it or really understand it. All I'm focusing on is the shifting of the earths energy. What it means is those who are aware are feeling a pull inward, to do the work necessary to align with the new energy. Blah blah blah lol anyway...

I just spent 25 minutes outside sitting against a tree next to our little creek. I brought a sage smudge stick with me, and smudged the apartment before going outside. It just felt like the right thing to do.

Once again, as like the other times I sat on the ground to meditate I felt like my whole body was vibrating with the earth. I literally felt like I was part of the earth, rather than a human sitting on dirt and grass against a tree. It was like I was a tree or grass, because I felt the energy was the same. It's a great feeling.

In that state I could hear the creek, which is very low so very quiet. It makes a sort of tinkling sound through the rocks. The leaves, as light as they are, still make noise as they hit branches and the ground. And when a nut falls, even louder. But nothing compares to human sounds. None of the previous sounds interrupted my state, but a car, walking, those almost hurt with the shock. I'm not sure why that is. Is it just volume, or the source itself? Probably the volume.

During a time when I was remotely focused I set my intention for the next day. I asked chukma and any other spirit guides to help me align to the new energy. I asked that I be helped so I can bring love, not hate. remove fear rather than add to it. bring truth rather than illusion. let me be the person I want to be, that I need to be. Let me overcome the stuff that drags me down. This is my focus. This is my goal. This is my destination. When I get there is up to me, somehow.

Happy Birthday Marines!

2005-11-10T21:02:00.000-08:00

To all Marines former and present, happy birthday! I can't believe the date slipped my mind until now. Just too much stuff going on regarding November 11th, just overshadowed the 10th. To those who are confused, the officially recognized birthdate of the Marine Corps is 10 November 1775. So today is a time for dress blues and balls, cake and dancing. And more than a little drinking I'm sure lol

My only ball was during A school in Pensacola. It's such a wierd atmosphere because people are dressed up, and it's formal, but still a party. And for so many, their first real formal occasion. And seeing 1st Sgt dance is always a bit unnerving lol

One interesting tradition is the cake ceremony. The first piece of cake goes to the oldest Marine present, and the second to the youngest. I wonder who has to go through the records to figure that out lol.

Anyway...happy birthday Marines. Oorah!

low vs high - venting vs inspiration

2005-11-09T20:51:00.000-08:00

I just realized something, and would like to share it. For those who follow the news, you have probably heard that Texas in it's infinite wisdom wanted to reinforce their law that defines marriage as between a man and a woman by amending the state constitution to say the same thing. It passed, easily, except in Travis County, which is where Austin is, and where I live. A funny little island of sanity amongst the sea of insanity. Last night, and still today I was quite angry for many reasons. You can read my blog entry regarding it to see why. (though it's not for those who dislike the word fuck)

As mentioned, I used my blog as a way to begin to vent and put words to what I was feeling. I find that helps clarify a situation for me, to just write out what I'm thinking as a train of thought thing. However, it did not release the anger for me, just put more words to it. So this morning when I awoke I was still angry under the surface.

Then, on the way to school, I was thinking about a conversation my brother and I had a week or so ago. We've both been marginalized by society in different ways, and he was talking about making a shirt that said villian and offender. I thought it more interesting to make a shirt that said scapegoat. Well, on the way to class today I thought about it more. While my students finished up lab I got out my colored pencils and started drawing. I realized I could write out the word so it formed a cross (scape down, goats across) and the letters would be the colors of the rainbow. I have a picture if anyone wants to see. So the front is scapegoats in the form of a cross, and then the back just says "Taking the world's shit since the dawn of Christianity". Now, before the christians get upset, this is a statement on the history of the church, and that it's religious arguments being used against the idea of gay marriage. I'm not saying all christians are doing this, I know they aren't. Which is why I'm not mentioned christians, but christianity. It's all in the history.

Anyway, after coming up with that design I felt instantly better. And I mean completely better, in a very different way then I ever felt after a rant. And I believe I know why, at least for me. Maybe this will help you guys with things too.

When I vented, I was coming from a very low place, a place of anger, hurt, fear. It was lashing out, and definately not the place of my highest being. But, with this shirt the intention is not to hurt others, but to point out a truth. There is always a marginalized group that is the scapegoat for people. Christianity had many scapegoats: pagans, women, homosexuals - all demonized by the early church (again, it's in the history). And, you can generalize this concept more, just saying scapegoats - taking the world's shit since the dawn of time. Same concept, just pointing out a truth to people. And this is coming from a higher place, from my higher being. Not my highest, but definately higher. Thus, not acting from a place of anger, but truth (at least as I see it).
Wow, that was long :-) Do you guys see the point I'm making? This is honestly the first time I've released something so effectively I think. I don't know how this is applied to every situation, and I didn't do it consciously. The shirt idea came in a flash of inspiration. I just went with it.

I just wanted to share that with you all.

But

2005-11-08T20:08:00.000-08:00

I thank all of you who tried, even though you're straight. We will keep moving, we will fight, and we will win in time. It is inevitable, and these people will all look like the fools they are when we look back on this. I hope they enjoy being the prohibitionists of the 21st century. Idiots.

I'm going to vent

2005-11-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

For all of you who don't give a damn enough to stop people from writing hate into the consitution - a big fuck you. Fuck you and your selfishness, for not giving a damn about the families that are being attacked for no reason. Forget the fact that the lame laws in texas and most places in this backwards country already define marriage as between a man and a woman. Let's just go one step farther and make to constitution about denying rights to people. So fuck you. Fuck you all who lie to yourself to think this has anything to do with anything besides vindictiveness. I'm damn fucking proud to not be from Texas. So fuck you, I'm from Wisconsin, where we have the idiots, but we balance them out with people who give a damn. We give partners the right to see their loved ones in the hospital. Basic fucking rights. Fuck Texas. Fuck you and your god damned self righteousness. I can't wait till this all backfires on your blind asses.

I also can't wait to see what happens when people push the issue that you just nullified common law marriage - that's right, what happens when 2 straight people live together for more than 7 years. OH, but I guess they should just get married right? Just force them into it, I mean, it's your right to tell everyone what to do anyway right? And just since I haven't said it in 3 sentences...fuck you.

I know that I shouldn't feel this, but I feel like I need to get a little angry about it for a little while. Obviously I was a stupid niave person to think that maybe we had moved far enough forward that stupid hicks wouldn't win this battle, but I was wrong. God forbid I have more faith in humanity than I should. I'm so glad that we are the most backward fucking advanced country in the world. And I really can't fucking wait until I'm done with grad school. NOTHING will keep me in this state. And I'm not sure if anything will keep me in this country. I think a few years in Vancouver could do us both some good.

FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

Pow wow

2005-11-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went to the Austin Powwow for only a little while. I wanted to go earlier, but got caught up doing chores. There were a ton of art vendors, but I really didn't have the money to spend on anything. I should have just got straight into the burger center so I could see more dances though. I caught 4 competitive dances, which were interesting. Everyone has different costumes, and their own individual take on the same dance. I really enjoyed the fancy shawl dance, which is uptempo and has a lot of spinning :-)

But even more than the dancers I like the drummers. They control the energy, which is fascinating to me. As I sat there I just let myself be, which meant interesting energy fluctuations on my part. At one point I was literally becoming teary eyed, though not from sadness or anything, just a flood of feeling. I wish I knew why I reacted that way, because it happens at really odd times. In general I felt like this place was just really positive, and it felt really good. So outside of driving, life has been really nice today.

I forgot to mention before, during the entire time I was picking up trash I was just enjoying it. I didn't get frustrated or mad at anyone for throwing things out. I went in there wanting to come from a loving place so I was really giving back to the earth and water. It's been a good day, even if I'm already tired and couldn't get enough of a nap in earlier. :-)

garbage stinks

2005-11-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

I'm stinky, sweaty, and wet. But, Waller Creek is a heck of a lot cleaner than 3 2 hours ago! We only worked a small section, from the cooling building on san jac to dean keaton, which is only 2 blocks or less. In just the first half we took out a full large bag of garbage between myself and another guy down in the creek. Total we filled 4 or 5 bags. Mostly it's plastic bags, cans, cups, random articles of clothing (like socks), but also 2 sardines tins, which annoyed me. I mean, aren't sardines gross enough without then littering?!

I'm glad I wore cammies and my safety boots because I got dirty, digging around brush and very wet walking in the stream. But I didn't want to leave a big grocery bag there just because it was under a foot and a half of water. Ooh, I also made friends with a big 6 foot stick that was very functional, and also pretty. All the bark was stripped off. I wonder where it came from, because it didn't look like the branches nearby. Anyway.

I feel really good for doing this. For one, I was out in the fresh air for a while, and up quite early. And I did something tangible for the environment. Plus, I cleaned up the creek that I pass on the way to school every day. The poem I wrote about winter in texas (months ago) is about that creek. So I'm glad I could give a little back to the stream that gave me so much joy and inspiration. I'm definately going to do it next april. :-)

last night's meditation

2005-11-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

I ended up meditating for about 13 minutes based on the clock. I tried to move as much of the energy I was feeling in my gut to my chest, though I doubt I got it all because I kept feeling it in my gut too. However, it did seem to help. Once I released a bunch of junk I just laid there, in a meditative state. I again because to here voices, first just vaguely, like wispering in the distance. Eventually one would start to come through more strongly. This time the only clear voice was a man's, and he appeared upset. I spent little time in this place though, because a noise shook me out of it. It was as if I heard a whooshing sound, but it wasn't from my room. It was loud and scared me, though probably because it was so different. I was able to calm down after a bit of breathing and return to that place, where I was again distracted by a non-talking sound. However it didn't scare me as much, which is good. At that point I decided it would be a good time to go to sleep, so I did.

It appears my theory of the voices is correct, because I'm hearing them more and more, as I continue on the integration of what I know to be true. This is my litmus test for right now it seems, though I'm still never actively searching for voices. it just happens, which is probably the only way it would happen right now anyway. figures lol

I better get to school. Don't want to be late! And I am feeling better about last night, a bit. I've decided to go back to the spoonbender's course, which is meant to do just what I want to do, and integrate these truths. I didn't really stick with it before, because it takes a lot of work that I don't have a lot of time for, but I think it's time to return and try again. If anyone is curious, it's a course at Emissary of Light which is James Twyman's website. Enjoy!

I feel betrayal...

2005-11-02T23:40:00.000-08:00

in my gut. Literally, it's right above my belly button. I can feel it there, just waiting for me to do something with it. In the book is an exercise where you first locate the feling, then release all of the emotional signature, so you just feel the energy itself, without judgement. then, move it to the heart, allow it to be transformed. Visualize a door in the chest and let it out, as a bright light. I'm going to go do that. I think I have to try. Because it still sounds like somethign that makes sense, and that I've heard slightly different in other places. Besides, no one wants to go to bed like this. So I'm going to go meditate, and try to get to a peaceful place before sleeping.

blurring the lines of fiction and non

2005-11-02T23:07:00.000-08:00

I read, a lot. And most books are fiction, which is fine. I learn all sorts of neat lessons, but to me it's not the same as non-fiction. What I learn in non-fiction seems to be more real, at least for me. While I know that truth can be found in many ways, and that fiction can tell truth just like non-fiction, I really hate when people blur that line. I was prepared to write about the latest book I read, which was just amazing. Then, I read a review that said parts of it were embellished or completely made up, which made me mad. I'm now sitting here feeling betrayed, because I took it as non-fiction, and then told others about it as such. I just feel foolish for believing it.

I know that fiction or not, the lesson is still important. But things I liked about this book were that is included some concrete examples and exercises to do. And now I'm left doubting everything, because I don't know what to try. I don't know what to believe, and I hate feeling like I've been lied to. At least in his other book it was made clear that parts were embelished for the story. There was no warning with this. Some will say I was foolish for believing...thank god I didn't start talking about this to people who would think that. It just makes it harder then. I hate feeling like I'm naive. I've always been trusting, and still am. And when people betray that trust, I just feel stupid.

I'm sure once I let this go I'll still be passing it along to others. But man...why do people keep doing this? Just tell the story, as it happened for once. Please. Or state explicitly that parts have been modified. For those of us who are trusting, if nothing else.

The book, by the way, is Emissary of Light by James Twyman. It's worth the read really. I just feel stupid right now. But up until 5 minutes ago, the book was just what I needed to hear.

My midterm

2005-11-01T23:25:00.000-08:00

By the way, I got a 20 out of 30 on my midterm, which is exactly the average. In grad school, if you get the average for the course, that's a B+, which is the average you need to carry to qualify. Thus, B+ is good. I was worried a bit, so very happy I got that score. There once was a time when B's were disappointing...oh how things change! It's definately a good lesson in understanding and humility.

damn quizes

2005-11-01T23:18:00.000-08:00

Gee, thanks lionmom for a distracting survey! lol

And in case you didn't know, I'm from Wisconsin. Funny how it came up so often? :-)
I bet if I changed the house option I would get different results, but amusing enough as it is.

My results:
Williamstown, Massachusetts Old New England At Its Best
This town's Clark Art Institute features one of the largest collections of Renoir and other Impressionist artists in the world...
Population: 8,400 | Average Home Price: $227,000 | Precipitation: 45" | Snow: 64"

Northampton, Massachusetts Arts Town Extraordinaire
This small town at the foot of the Berkshires has been recognized for its cultural offerings, many of which are supported by the area's five colleges…

Population: 29,000 | Average Home Price: $227,000 | Precipitation: 41" | Snow: 48"

Johnson, Vermont The Heart of the Green Mountains
The Lamoille and Gihon rivers, crossed by antique covered bridges, meet in this Vermont mountain town…

Population: 3,300 | Average Home Price: $140,000 | Precipitation: 40" | Snow: 60"

Middlebury, Vermont Progressive College Town
This recreationally lucky spot is located in Vermont's Champlain Valley, between the Green Mountains and Lake Champlain…

Population: 6,250 | Average Home Price: $179,000 | Precipitation: 40" | Snow: 60"

Eagle River, Wisconsin Snowmobile Capital of the World
This Wisconsin spot is the home of Carl's Wood Art Museum and its Translucent Wood Room, showing 120 backlit wood veneers…

Population: 1,440 | Average Home Price: $221,000 | Precipitation: 31" | Snow: 38"

Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin Black Hawk Country
Eleven ancient burial mounds in various animal and reptile shapes can be found in this Wisconsin town…

Population: 11,600 | Average Home Price: $160,000 | Precipitation: 33" | Snow: 37"

Williamstown, Massachusetts Old New England At Its Best
This town's Clark Art Institute features one of the largest collections of Renoir and other Impressionist artists in the world...

Population: 8,400 | Average Home Price: $227,000 | Precipitation: 45" | Snow: 64"

Northampton, Massachusetts Arts Town Extraordinaire
This small town at the foot of the Berkshires has been recognized for its cultural offerings, many of which are supported by the area's five colleges…

Population: 29,000 | Average Home Price: $227,000 | Precipitation: 41" | Snow: 48"

Johnson, Vermont The Heart of the Green Mountains
The Lamoille and Gihon rivers, crossed by antique covered bridges, meet in this Vermont mountain town…

Population: 3,300 | Average Home Price: $140,000 | Precipitation: 40" | Snow: 60"

Middlebury, Vermont Progressive College Town
This recreationally lucky spot is located in Vermont's Champlain Valley, between the Green Mountains and Lake Champlain…

Population: 6,250 | Average Home Price: $179,000 | Precipitation: 40" | Snow: 60"

Eagle River, Wisconsin Snowmobile Capital of the World
This Wisconsin spot is the home of Carl's Wood Art Museum and its Translucent Wood Room, showing 120 backlit wood veneers…

Population: 1,440 | Average Home Price: $221,000 | Precipitation: 31" | Snow: 38"

Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin Black Hawk Country
Eleven ancient burial mounds in various animal and reptile shapes can be found in this Wisconsin town…

Population: 11,600 | Average Home Price: $160,000 | Precipitation: 33" | Snow: 37"

Woodstock, Vermont Prettiest Small Town in America
Wrought iron lamp posts can be found on cobblestone streets in this quintessential New England village resort…

Population: 3,200 | Average Home Price: $232,000 | Precipitation: 34" | Snow: 60"

Ashland, Oregon Gateway to the Pacific Northwest
This gorgeous spot boasts the West's only operating water-powered grist mill, located on the banks of Little Butte Creek since 1872…

Population: 19,000 | Average Home Price: $388,000 | Precipitation: 19" | Snow: 8"

Milwaukie, Oregon City of Dogwoods
This "City of Dogwoods" is home to an extravagant Bing Cherry festival each year, complete with pie-eating and cherry-pit-spitting contests…

Population: 20,600 | Average Home Price: $199,000 | Precipitation: 37" | Snow: 7"

Gardnerville-Minden, Nevada Nevada’s Garden Spot
These twin towns in western Nevada rest in a green valley below the Sierra Nevada and Pinenut Mountains…

Population: 6,000 | Average Home Price: $237,000 | Precipitation: 9" | Snow: 19"

Kankakee, Illinois The Midwest’s Rising Star
With a 4000 acre state park and a the beautiful Kankakee River running through town, residents of this spot have plenty of opportunity for fun…

Population: 27,500 | Average Home Price: $105,000 | Precipitation: 34" | Snow: 24"

Elkhorn, Wisconsin The Christmas Card City
This Wisconsin town hosts the Walworth County Fair, voted one of the top 25 county fairs in the country...

Population: 7,300 | Average Home Price: $166,000 | Precipitation: 30" | Snow: 39"

Taos, New Mexico Soul of the Southwest
Padre Antonio Jose Martinez started the first newspaper west of the Mississippi in this town, an offshoot of which is still in existence today…

Population: 4,700 | Average Home Price: $250,000 | Precipitation: 13" | Snow: 40"

LaPointe, Wisconsin A Great Island Escape
This spot lies on Lake Superior's Madeline Island, the only one of Wisconsin's Apostle Islands with a year-round population…

Population: 250 | Average Home Price: $400,000 | Precipitation: 33" | Snow: 60"

Amador County, California California’s Gold Country
You can still pan for gold in this scenic spot, the starting point of the California Gold Rush…

Population: 37,300 | Average Home Price: $313,000 | Precipitation: 30" | Snow: 14"

Dunsmuir, California Secluded Mountain Paradise
This small, old-fashioned town in northern California doesn't have a single stop light…

Population: 1,900 | Average Home Price: $160,000 | Precipitation: 37" | Snow: 80"

Berkeley Springs, West Virginia The Country’s First Spa
George Washington soaked in the hot springs that gave rise to the country's first spa here in this West Virginia town...

Population: 663 | Average Home Price: $165,000 | Precipitation: 37" | Snow: 30"

Joseph, Oregon The City of Bronze
Each week during the summer, this northeast Oregon town puts on a reenactment of the town bank's dramatic robbery in 1896...

Population: 1,055 | Average Home Price: $150,000 | Precipitation: 16" | Snow: 53"

random fact number 239

2005-10-26T22:18:00.000-07:00

I can whistle while inhaling and exhaling, with very little tone change. I can also hold pitch better while whistling than singing. :-)

midterms

2005-10-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

Argh, tomorrow is my classical mechanics mid term. Thankfully I have until 7 pm to study. However, I've worked out so many of my confusions I'm starting to feel better about this grad school thing and this class. But I'm still working out things I should have known before I got here. Oh well. At least some of this math stuff is finally sinking in. So tomorrow, I'm just going to keep practicing, and we'll see what sticks tomorrow evening :-)

Wish me luck!

A quick correction or 2

2005-10-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

I listened to the last 5 minutes of my reading, and am now going to correct a few misunderstandings.

1. My spirit guide's name is Chukma, stress on the first syllable, and he has deep blue eyes more specifically. Hi Chukma *waves* :-)

2. I think the blue uniform she is talking about that she thinks is american is a dress uniform, and probably the dress blues, but I'll do more research. Also, she never said Germans killed Carrie, but that the enemy did. However, it was in Germany. Again, more research (or getting in touch with the universe to learn this myself lol) is needed.

This is why it's handy to have tapes, because we can mishear a lot. :-)

last night's experiment

2005-10-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

Last night, before I went to bed I focused on just being...well, after letting my mind rant a lot. Once I felt more focused I asked my spirit guide if he would send me a message that is important for me to receive right now. Then I rolled over to go to sleep.

As I was waiting to drift off completely I started hearing voices again. These aren't "kill your cat" kind of voices, more like if you were tuning in a radio and just getting bits and pieces of conversation. Last night it sounded like a child I think, including some little kid singing. The funny thing is, when this happens I'm not absorbing or comprehending anything that's being said. The words are english, but it's like they mean nothing to me, just random words, like my brain is turned off. But, if I try to turn my brain on to comprehend, then the radio shuts off and I lose it. plus, I can't really remember what was said because the brain wasn't on! However, last night I was able to get it back after switching my brain on. I actually thought of it as a radio for a second, and have no idea how I did it, but I tuned it back in. But again, no idea what was said. I'm thinking this is how automatic writing happens, and if I could do this while awake I could just write without thinking and then be able to recall it. In time I think it will come because the station is staying around longer each time. It used to be just one or two words, and now it's whole moments, phrases.

I think this happens when I'm going to sleep because that's when my consciousness is shutting down, thus all the need for logic goes out the window. It will take some work to reach this state while awake, but I don't see why it isn't possible. Hooray for new skill! :-)

As for the dreams I asked for, I don't remember details. The only part I remember is being in the apartment, and I'm heading to bed. Carrie is going to the computer to check news. It feels like we're waiting for a prophecy to come to pass, because I say that if anything happens to wake me up because I want to be around for the last moments before the shit hits the fan. Not exact words, but the idea of it.

It's interesting to me that I had this experience while hurrican Wilma, which was predicted last month to occur now, was barreling towards Florida. So when I sort of woke up, I tried to remember what had happened. In my haziness I saw this pattern before me, like watching lava flow up close. Now, I am not sure if this is a pure vision or not, because I was beginning to get my consciousness about me, and I know there was a prediction for a volcanic event that should have happend a week ago and didn't. So that could have been a corrupted vision. But, I also can't describe what I saw, and I had to interpret it as lava. Had I put that thought in my head with just my consciousness, I wouldn't have seen that, but instead a more zoomed out picture. So I'm really not sure what to make of it.

I wonder if I saw more, but am blocking it, like I have in the past. I slept very poorly, waking up many times halfway. Perhaps I saw something that I'm still unable to accept, like the night the wierd light was in our house and I freaked out. I don't really know what to do about that little issue either. How do you control what you block?! I mean, you don't even know what you're trying to unblock, because it's unknowable to you! lol Maybe I'll figure that one out someday. But for now, I think it's time to review some differential equations and go to bed.

ugh

2005-10-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

Lactose intolerance! I read up on it the other day finally. Apparently it tends to develope as we age. It also appears that if your stomach is in an uproar for an unknown reason, it also gets worse, even if you take lactaid! For instance, 2 nights ago, just a small code from dairy queen, even with a lactaid pill gave me gas and cramps. Just now, had a small bowl of cereal, so maybe a cup of milk, with lactaid, and again gas and cramps. Granted, it's not as bad as the night in northern Minnesota after a blizzard from DQ up in canada. I was miserable! Does this mean I'll never be eating ice cream and milk? Or that I'll have to take more lactaid with it? I'm not a big fan of the soy milk, and lactose free milk is expensive, but so is lactaid. I'll have to figure something out. Stupid stomach...now it's time for stomach calming tea, maybe that will help a bit.

dreams again

2005-10-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

What I'm remembering now is another military dream.
Apparently I had joined the army, and was at boot camp, but it was too relaxed to realy be boot camp. I never understand that. I also didn't have army uniforms, but my marine corps uniforms, so I was a little concerned about that. I recognized a few people too. At one point I was worried about wearing my Marine cover, but I saw Clark with her Marine cover too. I talked to her later one, walking with another person, and she said she went to the army because the driving was too much, apparently she was a reservist at that time. But she wasn't a reservist back in boot camp that I recall. Anyway.

Oooh, the only wierd thing I remember is they give out this form, meant to help recruit or something, I don't know. I think it's for me to help recruit others. But inside there were mcdonald's monopoly pieces. Except they didn't say everything on them, you had to use one of those plastic decoders to read them. So that's a bit odd.

Also, at one point I start to have more, private conversations with the drill instructor. Which is odd. Recruits are never taken into confidence or anything even close to that.

Also, there's a fight, another woman jumps my drill instructor, and I'm wondering if we're supposed to interfere. So I jump her, try to get her off, though I know she's way bigger and stronger than me. I take a bit of a beating, but show some creativity in getting into position to hit her. After this is where I'm talked to along the side with the DI and this other woman. They mention that they're worried about my conditioning, and that their group runs fast. I'm like, I can't run fast, I've tried.

apparently I'm hitting everything in reverse order here. Oh well. So I can add this to the tally of military dreams I'm having. They're certainly not past lives since everyone involved is always female. Perhaps this is my past trying to feel more included in this life? I need these dreams to let out that need to be around the military? Basically, I see it as sex dreams, which are often there to release pent up urges that aren't being dealt with in the waking hours. And since I don't have much trouble with pent up sexual urges, not compared to pent up military urges at least, maybe that's why I have so many military dreams. It's a working theory at least.

My brother's poems

2005-10-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

Here are 2 poems my brother shared with me tonight. I think he's amazingly talented.

a winter poem

cool and quiet the ground grows blue
illuminateing hues,
creating dancing shadows
cellebrating the nite
under stars and moon blanketing the sky
__________________________________________
smoke
slow death suicide

dust trails drawn in the mouth
sinks into the lungs
attempting to suffocate sadness

Google Suprise

2005-10-21T17:41:00.000-07:00

Hahaha, I love random googling of old friends, because you never know what you'll find. Most of the time it's nothing, but today, I found this. Laura Mae Maguire is an awesomely fun person who I went to boot camp with. She's the person that got me in trouble the most. Hell, our drill instructors moved her across the squad bay to keep her out of trouble. I'd still have to fight laughter though, even with her across the room. Thoroughly entertaining! I never was very good at that bearing thing we were supposed to learn. At least we had a good time!

It'd be nice if I could actually contact her, but I don't want to join the website just to email, since I'm not sure what info I'll have to pass along. Right now it is enough to know she's alive and looking like herself, though I've never seen her in anything but a uniform. hehe

Now if only I could find a few more people, like my bunkie Stacy Morgenstern, and the sweetest person in all of boot camp, Sharon Rodriguez. All in time.

where's my blogroll

2005-10-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

Why can't I see my blogroll? That's so wierd, and annoying since I use it to get to people I read everyday. Maybe it will come back...soon!

An update on my dad (from my mom)

2005-10-20T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a VERY stressful week. We met with a blood specialist on Monday. The doctor tried to schedule a treatment for Dean for Monday evening where they inject in iron concoction directly into the veins. He told us the risks were that if there is an allergic reaction to the treatment, it could be deadly! The treatment had to be done in the emergency room so he could be monitored very closely during the initial testing period and during the treatment.

After waiting around for a while, they discovered that the pharmacist was gone already for the day at the hospital so the treatment was scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. Not much sleep for us Monday night.

I worked half a day Tuesday and got home in time to listen to a message from the hospital that the pharmacist wasn't in that day and the treatment had to be rescheduled for Wednesday afternoon! Aaaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!

We were at the hospital until 7:30 last night. Dean came through the treatment ok. He felt yucky/funny, etc. during the treatment but it appears to have gone ok.

Now we need to wait until Monday for some more tests to see if the treatment had any effect. The doctor is probably going to schedule a bone marrow biopsy next week to see what else they can find out.

Will let you know more as we find it out.

Leona

What if nightmares don't exist?

2005-10-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my friend Aaron today when I thought of something a bit important. What if nightmares don't exist? I mean real nightmares, not those 'naked in public' type of dreams, which I don't find that scary, but those scare you to your core dreams. These are the dreams I wake up from but can't remember, or can't explain except I felt very scared.

Why I say they don't exist is that we say that dreams are just our imaginations, our mind processing the day, or whatever. But I think the times that these things happen, true fear in sleep, that's when we're being attacked in some way. It could be a psychic attack from some random predator, and you're the unlucky victim. Or it could be a deliberate attack from someone you know. Perhaps it's just a wierd shift to some very negative energy that feeds the mind's fears. In any case, I think it's all real, more real than what we consider dreams to be.

How would this change our view, if we see nightmares as real attacks rather than our imagination? Perhaps those people with chronic night terrors could get the help and guidance they need to protect themselves, and gain peace of mind. Children wouldn't feel like they're ignored when they share their experiences. We wouldn't be squashing our gut instinct out of our kids that way.

Granted, I don't know if I'm right. But it makes sense for me at the moment. Based on my experiences, I think it's a working theory for now. :-)

Pieces of dreams

2005-10-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

Geraldine told me to keep track of my dreams, so I guess I should try. :-) The problem is these dreams have been so piecemeal, I can't remember much. I guess I'll just write the pieces, in order if I can, and maybe something will make sense eventually.

Two nights ago
One part - Carrie and I are at her Mom and Lenny's house, but it doesn't look like their house. It's around Christmas, and we're getting gifts. I remember they gave me the wierdest gifts. I got like 20 a piece of those silicone bracelets, some orange ones that say ut on them, and some black ones that say uwrf on them. I thought that was cool, though I didn't know what to do with so many of them! Then I noticed other things, like small trinkets, miniature cherios box (like an inch), stuff like that. Which is all cute. So then later on, there's another thing they show me, and there are small earrings and stuff, all with various jewels and stuff. But I don't wear earrings, so I'm confused. But there's one that's neat, it's a piece of amethyst, also about an inch long, but not real wide. It seems like that was a necklace, otherwise that would be too heavy for an ear! It was also odd shaped. It's more like my aragonite in shape, but the color of amethyst. Can amethyst look kinda like that? I don't really remember anything else, on to the next part.

I'm driving with my parents, in what's supposed to be austin, and we're driving up the parking garage at the stadium. I guess we're going to a football game. I don't recall going to the game though. At one point I'm looking for food, but nothing is like modern day stadiums. Everything is under the concrete bleachers, and dark. There's one place that's like a restaurant though. They're out of something that someone wants, I don't think I even get anything because it's not my kind of food. This was more southern soul food, aka lots of fat on meat and stuff.

Then I'm walking with my mom in the wierd place that is this under the bleachers area. I tell her I'm going just over here, where I see people I know or want to know or something. I get over there and in my mind I see it as Ellis, but she looked like Alix Olson more. So yeah, and bit wierd. But I talk to her, try to nail down the date she's going to perform in Austin. First it's November 13 or 15, then back to the 27th or something...I wish I could remember the dates. At one point someone offers me a beer, but it's a wierd beer. I remember it saying it was a white ale or something, but it has caffeine in it. I decide to try it, and it didn't taste like beer, or coffee...it's just bizarre. I mean, completely. I drank it, pretty fast though, so I got a bit of a buzz. It's wierd to have a buzz in a dream lol

So with a buzz I go looking for my family, who has disappeared. I think we make phone calls back and forth. I don't know. Oh well. I'll just move on to last night's dream.

Last night
The first stuff I remember is that I'm going somewhere to meet Ash at a show.I end up at this crazy looking building, which at times seems like the MCC in austin, an elongated dome structure. I see her first performing in a smaller room, and she also looks different. She's in a sparkly dress I think, which is a bit odd. Lol I just watch from the distance, and she doesn't see me. There's a guy there, seems to be a manager or something, and I hang by him most of the time. Time passes, and now she's in the big room, and she starts singing a song, so I decide to run up to the stage, and lie down right down in front of the stage. She's singing "Someone to Watch Over Me". After she's done we hug for a long time, she says something about her friends embarassing her, but not in a bad way really. Then other people steal her attention (grrr...lol) and I just chill and wait. So that was all a bit wierd.

Next piece, I'm with either Carrie or my brother, but I think Carrie, and we're scaling this wooden building, which at first seems like a garage. But we get up one level and there's already another, and another. Carrie just flies up, but I start having trouble and have her give me a hand at times. I finally quit after making it up 2 or 3 levels, and there are still more. Apparently we're going to try to steal a car that someone isn't taking care of. So she's up another level, and I go to the buildings. It's like an apartment complex then, with a big open court surrounded by a fence. I try to be nonchelant, but it doesn't work. Security confronts me and I just behave myself so I can leave. I find carrie and we leave, because this is an impossible task. I remember wondering why she didn't know this place was so busy.

Then things really switch. Carrie and I are in the military, or something military related. A lot happens, but I can't remember it. At some point we get on a bus. I can't sit with carrie, so head to the front of the bus, but those are full too. There is an opening, but someone is on crutches so I give the seat to her. Then a guy calls me over and I can sit in their row. He asks if I want to listen to heavy metal. Lol, he was clearly someone I was sort of friends with. So we start driving, and my viewing perspective changes, because I was sitting on the left of the bus, but could see out the right side windows.

I see ahead of us, in the sky a very wierd weapon being tested. Imagine a very large rocket, with smaller rockets mounted around the outside. The large rocket gets it in the air, but then it hovered, and the little rockets were launched. Then the large rocket falls and hit a building. There was a lot of haze left from this, and I remember thinking that it was really bad for the environment. Then the climate changes too, as we move, and we're around snow, and there's still a large body of water to our right. I remember seeing penguins, which was wierd. We end up at a facility, I'm guessing military. I follow a higher ranking person, but he goes with someone else to a different area, looks like it's to a helicoptor. Carrie and I enter the elevator. It's very different looking, with flat buttons. it's like those completely flat electronic stoves, where everything is flat, and you can only tell a button when you push on it. but it's all metal, not plastic. Everything screams futuristic. The door shuts, and I give carrie a fast but passionate kiss, before the doors open again. I don't want to be caught. We get up there, and everyone is leaving. I ask where we're supposed to be, and the nurse sends us back down because she's going to a meeting. I think we're all there for a medical screening, and then we would go onto someplace else. At this point though, I'm waking up from my alarm.

In general, all of these places in my dreams were unknown to me. I always wonder about that, when locations that I've never seen are in my dreams. But it certainly is interesting...which is why I don't get out of bed half the time! Maybe if I get up and immediately write my dreams down it will help me get out of bed consistenly. Hmm...

Body Mind Spirit Expo

2005-10-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

Saturday I went to the body mind spirit expo (I hate the order of those words, by the way) I had never been to one before, and decided I would walk through the whole thing before deciding on readings and purchases. However, the first person I talked to intrigued me. He gave me a pamphlet on her, and told me that she doesn't ask any questions, and she covers many things, and will go in depth with you. Then I saw the price, and decided to wait. It's hard to spend $55 for a half hour, even if I did get a tingle in my spine.

So I continued to walk around. There was another booth that sells this wand type things for meditation and healing. I was skeptical, but my crown chakra was tingling like crazy! So maybe there is something to them. They're made by a monk at least, it's his way of giving back. However, they were super expensive, and I doubt I would use them right now. Something to keep in mind though.

I also enjoyed talking to the tantra woman. I mentioned that I was curious, but everything is written for straight people, so it's not as applicable. Apparently she brought this up to the guy who does their training, and he had tried a gay class, but he kept stumbling and offending people because he'd taught straight people for so long. She's hoping to bring in his ex wife to do a female only seminar though, which could be more applicable. It's certainly interesting, the idea of healing through sex. Especially healing wounds induced through sexual violence. But it'd be wierd to sit in a class. Damn protestant upbringing! Something to keep in mind though. Perhaps I'll read up on it and figure out how to apply it.

So after all the walking around, I decided I really wanted to know what this woman could tell me. I set up my appointment, and then went home for a few hours until my time. While waiting I tried to do some car maintenance. But, I discovered that I didn't have a deep enough socket to change my spark plugs, I didn't have the right plug for the stereo, and I couldn't get all of the corrosion off my battery terminals. But, I got a lot off, and sprayed the anti-corrosion agent on it. And I got the headlight back in it's housing. At least it was something. Then I spent some time trying to decide what to ask her, which turned out to be unnecessary.

I returned to the expo, and had to wait an hour and a half due to her being behind schedule. However, it was truly worth it. I wish I could have had another half hour. I have a tape, and plan to transcribe it when I have time. To begin, she says a prayer, but not a religious type prayer, so it wasn't a big deal. however, I felt very strange during it. I felt like the energy was all sorts of confusing. I felt unsettled, but also felt my energy raise...it's impossible to describe really. I was a bit nervous because it felt so wierd. She didn't record the prayer, and I honestly don't remember what she said beyond a word or two. I was too confused.

She said during the prayer she felt a great love enter me. That was interesting, and I believe I felt it, in the midst of all the insanity. Then she just scanned my aura quickly. First she said I'm a thinker, logic is highly important, which it is. She said I think and think on a problem until I exhaust myself and then just decide.

As she went to the 3rd eye area, she said I have some gifts, but they feel compressed, like logic is squashing them. But there are things in my life that defy logic, and I've been struggling with that. I need to learn to balance the gift of gut instinct with logic, because ignoring either would put me out of balance. She also said that I'm a dreamer, and need to keep track of my dreams. I should try to find meaning in them, even years later, as they can provide new insight into a current problem (in general).

As she kept scanning she said she felt healing energy from my hands, so I should look into reiki. I mentioned that I planned to, but haven't had time. She said when it was the right time I would be able to do it easily.

The only other thing was a blockage in the intestine area, basically meat and cheese and bread. She said I should do an enema, which I didn't...because I couldn't find one, and didn't want to, honestly. Instead I've been drinking a detox tea and drank an herbal laxative tea. However, since then my stomach has been tight, and gas has been a real problem. My stomach won't stay settled. I can't figure out what my body needs. But I keep taking the ginger pills, like she suggested, and the detox tea and just try to balance out. And I'm going to keep trying to get the right food in me.

She started to go more in depth after the scan. She checked the energy around money, and said it should stay boring basically, a little increase in march, and little, but nothing fancy. Career wise is also boring. Haha, better than it being bad! But it makes sense, since I'm in school and things remain consistent. Also, she said that I have a fear of the future, which is true. But if I trust my gut I won't have to be so afraid. Also, she said Carrie and I both are very sensitive to others, and get our feelings hurt easily, though for different things. I am a very feeling oriented person, though I've spent much of my life squashing that. however, that is why I listen to music that makes me really feel, because it puts me in touch with it (my insight, not hers lol). Carrie can literally feel how others are feeling, which means she can feel what others think about her. Not often a pleasant experience.

When it came to relationships she said that someone was there, but had recently left. I was a little confused, I said someone should be there. But I told her carrie was visiting her family in indiana, so her focus is on them. That made sense to her, and she drew carrie back a bit. Then she spent a bit of time scanning her. She picked up on her ear problems immediately. However, she said it was just the ear infection, and not a ruptured eardrum. I'd pay $55 just to learn that! It made me feel so much better. We're supposed to do ear coning a few times, which should clear it right up. Spiritually she said this relates to not wanting to hear what's coming at her. She's been bombarded all summer by all sorts of new and...odd beings, and this is her reaction to it. It made sense to me. Hopefully she'll be able to release that issue.

That was the only real health problem she found, which is also good. Money wise, things shouldn't be changing much with her either, which is good. And she didn't see carrie getting a job at all next year, which is interesting. I guess she needs more time to heal still, which is ok. She did focus in on a few things. She said that carrie is afraid of stressing me out, so she stresses herself out. She's very torn about her family and me, and that I shouldn't expect her to resolve that soon. It will be something we deal with for quite some time. Also, carrie is very self sacrificing. I'll have to return to the tape to remember details though. All of these things made sense.

Then, the last few minutes is where things got really interesting, in my opinion. First, she introduced me to my spirit guide. I believe his name is Chukna. She describes him as around 5'10", very dark skinned, like cherokee in coloring, native american, with long thick wavy dark hair. He's a very large man, not fat, but just very large and strong. The unique aspect is his eyes though. He has very blue eyes, which is quite interesting. He wants me to know that he's protecting me. Part of the craziness during the prayer must have been him fighting off who knows what. She couldn't make sense of that until she talked to him though. So I can rest easy knowing I have a very strong and capable spirit guide protecting me. That really does help, because I've spent a lot of time learning ways to protect myself and carrie especially. Strangely enough, Carrie thinks she's seen him a few times in dreams, which is interesting.

Then we moved onto past lives. First, the reason my energy is so masculine is that I've been a man far more than I've been a woman, and I've been strong men. My last life I was a captain in the military during WW1. She said she saw blue uniforms, which is odd, but she thought it was still American. At least we were the good guys :-) She said I was an older guy, never married, basically married to the military, and very hard on my boys. I would train them hard, trying to prepare them for combat, and they didn't really understand or appreciate it until we arrived in Germany. I used to call them mama's boys :-)

And, ironically enough, Carrie (as a man then) was in my platoon. She was the cook, and apparently a very good one. What was unique about my situation is that I trained these boys from boot camp on. I just kept getting well timed promotions and assignments so that I kept moving with them, which is odd. Also, Carrie and I had a unique bond then too, so I had this motto of 'protect the cook at all costs', which means she stayed in the rear. Unfortunately, this didn't protect her. There were a few sneaky Germans that came up from the rear, and Carrie was the first casualty. As she died she felt stupid for volunteering for the war, and angry at having died so young. This is why she still hates war and the military today. I also believe that's why she's had this sense that she wouldn't live to see 21, and even now doesn't feel like she should be alive.

For my part, I felt like a failure for her death, because I couldn't protect her. This has carried over into this life also. I have this need to protect her, because I failed before. But this also explains why I've always loved the military, even though I wasn't around it really. I've also been really into war for most of my life, which is a bit odd. I think it's also interesting that my hardcore attitude, especially when I think something is for the best, is still part of my personality. It's a bit odd, but interesting.

Oh, she did confirm that Carrie and I have shared many lives together, and we are soul mates. She explained that soul mates has nothing to do with sexuality, as our last life shows, since we weren't together in that lifetime. But to not worry, because it is real. I thought that was pretty cool. It again confirmed a suspician, along with my theory of my gender expression being due to past lives, and the military thing. Funny how all of those gut instincts were right! Hahah, I guess she's right about that. :-)

Also, earlier in the reading she mentioned when she called carrie 'closer' in the connection she could really feel carrie respond, and that it was so sweet, our love, she wanted to cry. It was cute :-)

Unfortunately we ran out of time. I never got to ask questions, though the spirit guide and past lives were questions. A few questions I still want answered are:
1. Why can't I remember much of my childhood?
2. Why is Holloway so darn important?
3. Is logic the biggest thing holding me back, or is it something else?
4. How can I contact my spirit guide on my own?
5. More about past lives, especially nailing down the last one, at least what country. I would also like to know more distant lives, and if I've lived on other planets yet.
6. I'm sure there were others, but they're escaping me now. In any case, I'm sure we'll be calling her to do a reading over the phone. We both have so many questions that aren't easily knowable without her type of help.

By the way, her name is Geraldine, her website is The Light Center, which is located in Michigan. I'd like to mention again, she told me all of this without asking questions, and with very very little input from me. I'm so amazed by her talent...I'm so glad I spoke with her. It was a great experience, and I have a new confidence in my gut instinct and other abilities. This can keep me busy for a while :-)

So many things to update...

2005-10-14T00:11:00.000-07:00

Carrie made it home safely on tuesday, after a long night before in an argument of sorts. It wasn't an argument about each other or our relationship, so no worries. Then, I woke up tuesday and didn't check the board, and thought carrie's plane got in at 11:40 instead of 11:20, so I was late! Eeek, not so good. however, all was well. She was very sleepy, since she hadn't slept yet, but it was nice to have her home again.

Tuesday was also the day my brother got out of jail for good. Three months can go so fast and so slow at the same time. He called me around 8:15, a little after carrie woke me up to say she was in memphis. I congratulated him on his freedom but then said I was going back to sleep, and did.

I skipped classical on tuesday, again, so Carrie and I could eat lunch together. I just didn't want to leave right away after such an emotional week. Yeah...that's my excuse :-)

Since she got home we've just tried to get her back on track now. Consistently taking her medication, getting sleep, and eating better. We've both been craving quality food, but don't have the time or energy to cook it. We'll have to figure it out soon though, because my stomach hates me lately!

I'm going to make a seperate post about my psychic experience, because it was so awesome. Other than that, not too much exciting has happened. But that's ok :-)

Woohoo for cold air!

2005-10-06T20:38:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, it's seriously 58 degrees. 58! I'm sooooo happy. I can stop smiling, and my heart just wants to explode! Why do I keep living in the hottest places on earth?! Why?! I love the cold! But woohoo!!!! A little reprieve from the heat :-D

It helps balance out the loneliness at being home alone. Carrie left for Indiana tuesday. It's only thursday...which sucks. I kinda feel like the kid who's left home alone for the first time. You're kinda excited, but quickly realize it's a bit boring to have no one to talk to. So while it's nice that I don't have to feel guilty for being at school, or being on the computer, it's not so nice being all by myself, with just the cats. They don't really talk...just yell at me for not playing with them :-)

So carrie comes home tuesday, which will rock, but that's also the day my brother gets out of jail. Three months can fly by...unless you're the person stuck dealing with the whole prison situation. But it's good that it's finally over, and we can start the three years of probation. That will be a bit harder. Neither of us does well with authority, and he has a lot of rules to follow for a while. I hope he doesn't screw it up. But, there really isn't much I can do about that. I'll just try to listen to him rant and keep him in the right direction for him.

And now, my hyper self is going to see if MDSplus installed properly so I can do some research and be a contributing lab member. :-)

digression on morals

2005-09-30T20:06:00.000-07:00

Don't confuse my shyness
for morals
my lines blur
as I see fit
because it's only me
who lives my life
and only me
who knows what's right
(for me)

Don't try to sell
your outdated rules
meant to control
the unaware masses
my eyes are wide open
awake with life
no sheep will lead
or blind me now

Don't get my wrong
I have my rules
but nothing is set
because life always moves
I won't limit
my experience
just for the sake
of limitation

So live your life
as you must
while I live mine
as I will
with no regrets
and no blame
and live will
have been worth living
(for us all)

-Jackie L Meyer, c. 2005

Relief

2005-09-29T23:43:00.000-07:00

70 degrees
and my heart soars!
rejuvinated
filled with energy
normally stolen
by the neverending
Texas summer.

I laugh
my truest reaction
finally feeling
comfortable
it's almost like being
home.

Temporary
I know the heat returns
too soon
but eternally grateful
for today.

If
I could stop time
I'd stop it
right now.

Savor
this feeling
until I'm full

then start
again

living.

- Jackie L Meyer, c. 2005

Rant on interpersonal conflict

2005-09-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about conflict, online and off. Conflict is unavoidable, because no one agrees with everyone all the time. However, there are ways to minimize the emotional effects of conflict.

For example, recently I have had discussions with more than one person there who I really disagree with. That's to be expected when more liberal ideas mix with more conservative ideas. However, that would be oversimplifying the situation. Which brings me to my first contribution to conflict: assumptions.

When we hear a label, we tend to go immediately to what we believe that label represents. For instance, when I hear conservative, I think of social conservatives. They're the people who think I'm this horrible sinner, and that my wife and I are less human than they are, and doing something wrong by just following our hearts. Naturally, this leads to a less than positive reaction to the word. But that reaction is based on something completely unrelated to the person at hand. For one, there are very few true conservatives, where they are conservative about everything. This one person, for instance, is more of a fiscal conservative, and a security type conservative (military stuff), rather than a social conservative. We disagree with the way the country is run, but tend to agree on human rights at least, which is key for me. The lesson here is to not assume a label means what you think it means. Don't jump to conclusions.

Now it's also important to go beyond just labels, but to how everything a person says affects you. For instance, if you were offended by something, take a step back. Did the person mean to offend you? It's usually obvious if they did. However, most of the time people aren't trying to offend you. It's just like the labels issue, the conflict is really coming from inside you, rather than the other person. Much pain can be avoided when you realize where the conflict actually comes from.

Next thing to consider, when conflict comes up, perhaps a heated discussion about something near and dear to your heart, it isn't the end of the world, or the relationship. As children, we write off friends and pick up new ones at the drop of a hat. But we're adults. We can't run away from our conflicts, even if we want to. Many times we have conflicts with people we need to work with on a daily basis, and we can't just stop speaking to them. Here are some things to keep in mind.

First off, when a debate gets heated, it is very rarely personal. Yet, we tend to take it personally. People have a problem with other people's beliefs, not necessarily them. For instance, this guy and I tended to clash a lot in college. However, over the years we were able to debate and still talk to each other later without any repercussions. We even had a discussion about gay marriage. He knew what he was saying personally affected me. And I called him on it, because especially with social issues it's important to remember that you're talking about people, not some vague theoretical concept. We were able to calmly discuss our views, as adults. I understood his point that he sees marriage defined in one way, though he doesn't have a problem with giving the equal legal equivalent. And I can agree with that, because I think we all need to compromise a bit. The point is, we didn't take things personally. I could have gotten upset, mistakenly believing he doesn't want my wife and I to have our life together. But that isn't really the case. By not getting upset we actually found an understanding between each other, and could remain the pseudo-friends we were.

Second, even if it is personal, it's not the end of the world. A person can only hurt you if you let them. If you can remain calm, they won't get as upset as if you return the emotions. We've all seen how quickly emotions can amplify, turning a small debate into a ball of flames! This is where meditation and breathing techniques come in. If we're mindful of our emotions, we can bring our focus to calm breathing, thus calming our mind and emotions. This keeps the debate in control.

The key, no matter what happens, is to find a way to release these emotions after the debate. Holding onto anger just brings forth more anger. And who really wants to go through life angry when they don't have to be? If you see this person on a regular basis, you can't hold onto that anger. It just causes more conflicts where there need not be any. Also, it makes you a rather unpleasant person to be around.

I say all of these things as a gentle reminder. We all have our bad days. But holding onto those negative emotions just makes things worse. I hope this brings a little perspective to your life. Even more, I hope this was just a reminder, and not something new :-)

Nothing?

2005-09-24T16:06:00.000-07:00

No rain, no clouds, nothing? Nothing at all, but a bit of breeze? Stupid hurricanes can't do anything right and bring rain to the places that need it. Instead they drop rain on places that really don't need it. Sigh...I feel like I'm going to just bake here. You'll see me some day...I'll be like the gingerbread man, just baked to death in the sun. :-D

When does it get below 80 during the day here again? This really does depress me. I didn't know seasonal depression could be in the summer, but it can happen. I always thought winter depression was the lack of sun, which makes sense. But here it's always sunny, except the heat just drains me of energy, which contributes to depression. How will I survive the next few years? I need to figure this out...

Update

2005-09-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

Hmm...looks like Rita decided she liked eastern texas more. If she stays course I guess we'll just end up with rain and wind. I'm still hoping for a lot of rain. If we don't get any I will be very very disappointed. Happy that things shouldn't get crazy, but no rain would be sad. However, we're still prepared should things get crazy.

Besides, it did get us moving. Nothing like the fear of a giant hurricane to break the melonchaly of depression. hahaha

hurricane rita

2005-09-21T22:25:00.000-07:00

This hurricane is huge! And still has days to gather strength! Damn. I'm a bit scared thinking about the possibilities. But, I need to not do that. It doesn't do any good to worry. We are prepared, relatively speaking. We have water for 3 days, plus other beverages to break the monotoney. We have tons of food. We have charcoal for the grill and propane for the cookstove. We have rechargable batteries and the ability to charge them in the car, which is full of gas. I just hope our apartment is strong enough to withstand the winds and such.

so anyway, we're going to wait this out. There isn't anywhere to go anyway, and I believe we'll be fine. I mean, carrie would know if we were really in danger. So this will just be an experience for us.

I'll be shutting down my computer once the storms head in. As soon as we have power back I'll update. Hopefully that will be by sunday already. :-)

So everyone, think positive thoughts. Visualize everone safe, and the hurricane weakening. Don't let fear overpower you. I'm going to go work on that now. Best of luck to everyone.

To the women I love

2005-09-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

I think the heart
is much bigger than
I was taught.

How else can it split
into so many pieces
and still feel whole?

Maybe it's not all mine
but replaced with pieces
traded with love.

Here's a big piece from carrie
a rock to which I anchor eternally
another from Ash
the very essence of water
yet another from Hols
so inexplicable, but so there
and a piece from Ellen
like the desert we both love

I feel them all
as my heart fills my chest
I don't understand it

Maybe we aren't meant
to walk through life alone
or even with just one

Maybe we can all share
like we share our hearts
and walk through life

Together.

-Jackie L Meyer, 2005

ASHLEY!!!!

2005-09-14T00:47:00.000-07:00

Ash has been asked to play at the post election day rally here in austin. She might be coming to visit!!!! We haven't seen each other in 5 years I think. She's my bestest friend in the whole world (wives don't count haha) Nothing has put me in as great of a mood as this news has. I'm praying they can pay for her plane ticket. We'll have so much fun. Food, scrabble, and butchering butchies songs!!! But this time as a drummer, soo much more fun. :-) It would be November 1, which is just 2 weeks before my birthday. It would be the greatest birthday present to date. And 2 weeks after carrie gets back from Indiana. Perfect timing. Yay yay yay!!! :-)

How to Release Thoughts

2005-09-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

When I first started on the Jedi path, one of my main concerns was how to meditate and clear my head. That's one of the things you always hear about with meditation. "Just sit there and clear your head." Well, I'm sure everyone has learned how difficult that can be. If we could just sit and clear our head, we wouldn't need much meditative practice, now would we?

It wasn't until 3 years into my path that I finally received the insight required to gain control of my mind. The Buddhists at my university offer classes where they bring up the local master from Houston and they address the basics of Buddhism, including meditation. I only went to one class, but it gave me all the insight I needed at that point in my life. I'll do my best to pass that insight onto you so you may benefit as I did.

If you're anything like me, sitting in meditation involved a slew of random thoughts, and one song that was stuck in there from who knows when! I would sit and try to let them go, tell them to leave, all sorts of things, but it never worked. Apparently I was going about it all wrong! By focusing on the thoughts, I kept them with me, no matter what I did. I put energy towards them, and anything we put energy towards we keep to us. So while I wanted to release them, what I was experiencing was these extraneous thoughts distracting me. I kept focusing on this distraction which kept the experience of distraction with me. However, what I wish to experience is focus, so that is what I need to put energy towards. The monk described it in this manner.

Say you're holding a coffee cup in your hand. There's nothing inherently wrong with holding a coffee cup, but you would rather hold the beautiful rock on the table. Now pretend that you don't know how to put down something. I know it can be a bit of a stretch, but just pretend. After all, this is only an analogy.

Since you don't know how to put down the cup, you try all sorts of things, but no matter what the cup stays in your hand. This is what I had tried for years, and many others I'm sure. But what if we did something else.

We already know how to pick things up, as evident by the cup in our hand. So instead of focusing on what we don't want, the cup, let's focus on what we do want, the rock. Focusing on the rock, we reach down and pick it up. Now you're holding a rock in your hand. In order to do that, you had to release the cup in some way. It doesn't even matter how, just that you did. This is how we release our thoughts.

When we meditate, there is something to focus on, usually breathing or counting. When we notice an extraneous thought, don't focus on the thought. Instead, return our focus to the counting or breathing. Keep focusing, and before you know it the thought will have left your focus without you actively removing it! For me this was a breakthrough, because though I had many many random thoughts, I could return my focus to breathing and find that quiet center again. Yes, you will probably have to do this all the time when you meditate, but in time you will see results in how long you go without extra thoughts.

This idea can be applied elsewhere in your life also. Do you have a song in your head that you absolutely hate? Find a song that you love and sing that in your head until it overwhelms the original song. Is there something bothering you? Think of something else. Focus on something that is more useful to you. The applications to your life are limitless and can help you gain control over the ever wandering mind.

Best of luck in your practice.

New Orleans Mayor

2005-09-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sure many people have already posted this or heard it, but I want to post it also in case someone surfs here and hasn't heard it. The Mayor of New Orleans called into a radio show and vented about the lack of support he's getting from the national government and what really needs to be done about the current situation. He also complained about how this could have been avoided had his concerns about the levees and other security measures been addressed before. This is something I also vented about the other day because I'm sick of it. I watch the National Geographic channel where they show us how other countries solved their problems with tsunamis and floods at great expense, but so they actually work! They actually care about saving lives and commerce. Clearly we don't, because we continue to half ass everything, even dealing with the situation once it's occured. This is bullshit, and I'm sick of it. Can we do something right, for once?! Maybe now, when people's lives are on the line? Oh yeah, here are the links.

Mayor of New Orleans

Also, a post by someone who went to try to help the refugees, you really start to understand how little anyone knows. Where is the leadership?!
Volunteering at the Houston Astrodome

Scary Chick-Fil-A

2005-08-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to remember all the things I wanted to pass along from the past week.

I think it was on thursday when we drove to north austin to run errands. We enjoyed the beautiful drive of 2222 west, all the trees and rocks and elevation changes. We were both reminded of california driving to san diego. It would have been awesome to drive that in a sports car though :-) The reason we drove 2222 was to pick up some stuff in Steiner Ranch, which is an intersting planned community. Very pretty, and not as scary as I would imagine a planned community to be. The houses didn't all look the same, it wasn't solid houses like subdivisions can be, and you could see Lake Travis which was quite beautiful. I guess if you choose to live in a community, it wouldn't be a bad way to go, though I'd still prefer land out of the city.

On our way home we took loop 360, which is a very long way home, but I didn't want to backtrack. We stopped at Chick-Fil-A in Beecaves (I think that's what it's called). After a minute of sitting down Carrie realized they were playing Christian music on the radio, which was odd. It wasn't bad, but unexpected. I got up at some point, don't even remember why, but I fel really uncomfortable. I realized we were surrounded by people in Jesus freak shirts like "I'm a warrior of God" and stuff. We both just ate as quickly as we could and got the hell out of there. I've never felt so uncomfortable in a regular fast food restaurant. It literally made my stomach churn, I really don't think we were welcome there. Thankfully we were soon gone and back in Austin proper. But it was a wierd experience, especially considering we didn't see any churches or schools nearby. Very bizarre...

So if you're queer, don't go to Chick-Fil-A in Beecaves.

Trans

2005-08-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention the coolest part of shopping yesterday. The last place I saw was a Jansport sign. My backpack from last year is useable, but the padding in the back is scrunched so there's no padding for my hip which is annoying. So I go to this store hoping for a backpack. I found one that not only looked cool but it was only $15 and had the fancy shock absorbing straps. The best part of it all? I realized it says Trans all over the thing. It's funniest thing I've ever seen! I have a trans backpack hahahaha

I just realized that some random people won't understand the joke, so I'll explain quickly. I consider myself transgender, but of the more gender neutral variety. I don't have desire for hormones, have only halfway thought about having a breast reduction/removal, and definately don't want to grow a penis. But I'm definately genderqueer, and thus consider myself trans. So to walk aroung with a backpack that proclaims it this way is ironic and quite amusing :-) Yay Jansport! hehe

shopping!

2005-08-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

Holy week of shopping! That's what happens when financial aid hits. So this has been our past week:
Fixed the car - $440
Bought a couch - $500
We also bought numerous small things to make our house feel more homey. We've been out and about every single day, and it's a bit exhausting. Today we drove to San Marcos and hit the outlet malls for clothes and shoes. Now I have a cordless drill that actually works and has some power! And we have pretty new shoes and clothes. Yay!

I never realized how exhausting it is to be out and about every day. Our house needs some serious cleaning and straightening. And I really need to do some work before the boss returns next week. Unfortunately school starts on wednesday, so I need to get in gear. Good think I don't have class until thursday!

All of this running has messed up my moods. I've lacked motivation and slipped back into blahness. However, I think I'm coming out of it again, probably the pressure of knowing I'm out of time to slack off! hahaha

in any case, that's been the past week. Busy, confusing, draining, but at least it's over.

originally a response to a student: a personal understanding

2005-08-22T23:43:00.000-07:00

I think sometimes this is the most difficult to apply in life, the knowledge that people aren't going to be open to our ideas and beliefs. We want so badly to help others understand what we've understood, to find the peace we have found, that it's hard to remember in the moment that they may never be ready to hear our message. And that's ok. It isn't a hit on us, we haven't failed, they just walk a different path. Living this knowledge can be hard, but thankfully we get a lot of practice trying!

I need to remember to incorporate patience. With patience this knowledge can bubble to the surface and push away the thoughts of frustration, removing hurt feelings, and bringing forth clarity. Patience is the key to everything I believe. Patience allows mindfulness, and mindfulness allows patience. With both come peace.

late night basketball

2005-08-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

There's something about watching great basketball that makes me want to play basketball. We're literally watching basketball games every day there is one thanks to webcasts and nba tv. So tonight, I'm sitting around, wanting to do something, but really not wanting to ride the bike. I finally just say screw it, if I want to play basketball, I can play basketball. Thankfully we have one of the infusion balls, so even though it was flat I could pump it up in a few minutes. Then I headed out to our crappy little hoop. The rim's bent down from those people who think dunking is just the greatest thing on the planet, but it's not that bad. I was quite suprised to see my shot wasn't horrible, especially considering I haven't played in more than a year. Carrie came out to play with me, even though her ankle is pretty messed up lately. We had fun, and she helped me with my shot. I needed to widen my stance and get my arm motion better coordinated with my body. The last thing was running lay ups. At the end carrie just stood in front of the goal so I could get used to having a person in front of me. It was really fun, in spite of my lack of fitness. I'm now very very sweaty, but quite happy :-)

I attribute my half assed shot ability to all the basketball I watch. The mind takes in what it sees, and tries to make the body do the same. Since I'm not really thinking about what my body is doing, I think it's trying to recreate what it's been seeing. It's the same idea as running techniques through your mind when you can't practice, your body still improves.

Tonight I thought back to my childhood and sports. I didn't really watch sports, well, besides football and tennis. They didn't show many basketball games on tv, so I don't know that I watched enough. Also, I grew up in the middle of nowhere. I do mean that literally. So while city kids had other kids to play against, I had, well, me and my family. Plus, all my friends were pretty sports inept. We preferred football to other sports. At school I played football, at the babysitters it was football, at family functions it was usually football. So my entire grade school sports career was on raw talent only. I wonder what would have happened had I grown up in a situation where everyone played basketball. Granted, at some point my height would have been a big issue, but I could have been better at least. However, there's nothing stopping me from improving now, right? So that's what I do. I may have horrible independent practice habits, but, when I practice, I make it count. It's how I got my black belt as a kid, it's how I was a state musician, it's how I get anywhere.

Basketball is good for the soul :-)

more military dreams

2005-08-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

Last night was the second night in a row of having dreams involving me returning to the military. They're always in a different setting, but always the same point. I show up, somewhere obviously military, I'm clearly re-joining, but it isn't necessarily boot camp. For instance, last night I just ended up at a barracks. And as always, I didn't have all my gear. I was missing a cover, then I realized I was missing my boot blousers.

The real question is, why do I have these dreams? I haven't even been thinking about the military really. Is it as simple as there being a war on? Do I personally feel like I'm at war, and my mind turns that into military? Maybe my ego wants to fight the changes I'm making, and thus has me preparing in my dreams. Yet I'm never ready. Hmmm...I should probably just try to recount the dreams.

Two nights ago, I was arriving at a receiving station of sorts. It was all female marines, and corporal stone was there. She was one of my leaders at MCT and was way hard core. I don't think I talked to her though. There was a lot of activity, and the only thing I really remember was remembering to look and see if my chevrons were on. I was relieved to see they weren't, I was chevron-less. Another Marine saw me do this, and I told her that no, I wasn't stripped of my rank. But I also didn't want it on. So that's a bit wierd. I think it was a reaction to the expectations attached to having rank, but I'm not sure. Or maybe I was trying to hide that I'd been in before. I can't remember enough to know.

Then last night the dream actually starts as me wanting to find a bathroom in this huge building. On the left there is a door for a training room (like physical therapy). I go to the right, there is a room for women, and a room to the left wall that has a boy and girl symbol on it. I went to the women's room, and it was full or something, I didn't want to go in there. I was hesitent to go in the family room because you never know what's in there. I think I end up back and forth for a bit. I go into the family room finally, and all I see are urinals, but it's pretty dark, so hard to see. I leave I think. Then at some point the rooms all change. The women's room becomes a women's barracks, though a bit mish mosh, as there is a double bed. Carrie is with me, and I have her go there. I think we even lie down a bit, but I feel uncomfortable with so many people around and able to see us. I take my stuff and go to the other room that was just a bathroom. There are 2 teenage boys it looks like. I ask where I can put my stuff, they aren't real helpful. Then they lie down on the floor because of lack of bed space. But there are enough beds. So I tell them the beds are more comfortable and they look at me like I'm crazy, when they're lying on concrete! haha I go drop my gear, and then someone that I think is my 2nd cousin comes in. He's retired air force and an asshole, but I'm still excited to see him. I'm only half in uniform, meaning cammie pants and boots, but a red shirt. I follow him outside, and he doesn't say anything, but also doesn't make me go away. There's a small formation, maybe 8 people. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable being out of uniform, though others don't seem to care. two other girls run back to the barracks, and I ask one if I can borrow a cover. She goes to carrie's barracks, and the other girl is actually a bunkmate. I'm scrambling to find a green shirt, then I keep looking, but I can't remember what I'm looking for. I keep looking and looking...and I think that's where the dream shifts. Perhaps that's the key actually...my looking for something but not knowing what it is. Haha, but how is that helpful?!

Then the dream shifts and becomes quite funny at times. I don't remember much, but at some point there is a giant wrestling match between basktball players. It's hilarious. First pee wee jumps the pile, then it's just pure insanity, with basketball all stars wrestling, but not harming each other. Bizarre! perhaps I'm watching too much basketball? hahaha

note to self

2005-08-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

don't sleep on your stomach when you have a nice tempurpedic pillow. your neck will thank you.

Saturday Basketball

2005-08-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to the Silver Stars/ Shock game. We had a blast. First off...we learned from last game, when construction was so bad on I-35 we were late for the game. I decided to take smaller highways, and hit I-10 instead. Well, that should have been easy, since I-10 runs east/west and I was driving south. We stopped in Nixon, Texas for gas. Took a look at the map, and carrie realizes we missed 10. How the hell do you miss an interstate! It's not physically possible. I'm honestly still confused about this. So we take 87 over and then hit 410 up. The problem is, we were starving because in the middle of nowhere Texas the only places to eat are Dairy Queens or scary random places...and not even many of those. We were soooo happy to get into San Antonio! We hit McDonalds, which was actually good, and still made it to the game with a half hour to spare.

Our seats were amazing! Section 2, row 4. To give you a visual...We were 10 feet from the court, to the left of the basket. The Stars bench was not more than 20 feet away from us. Holy crap are those women tall!!!! Hahaha It was intense. It was like I could feel what they felt, and I saw the intensity in their eyes. Man was that amazing. Now I understand why people get seats like that!

Before the game started they handed Shannon "Pee-wee" Johnson her olympic ring. Then, unfortunately I left to get soda, but I'll pass along what my wife witnessed. Pee-wee walks over to a pretty woman directly across from the bench, front row. She hands her the ring, the grabs her chin and kisses her. No one seemed to react, which is good. And no, there is no way it was a relative.

This makes me wonder, how many players are sorta out, where the local fans know, but not others. I found a website where people just gossip and post theories or questions...there are only maybe 10 confirmed lesbians in the league. Yet, there are apparently fewer straight women than there are lesbians or bisexuals in the league. Quite a disparity. And it's sad really. These women are professionals and still having to hide because of stupid homophobia. Little girls are not going to be gay because their favorite player is. That doesn't even make sense! It's sad, and crazy, and stupid. Someday this will change.

Anyway, that was our fun yesterday. I'm seriously thinking about getting tickets for the last game now...but only if I get my loan consolidation check first.

Packers Win!

2005-08-12T11:11:00.000-07:00

Packers win, packers win, packers win win win *do a little dance*
Haha, yes, I know it's only preseason. But it feels good to win. Especially when your kicker knocks down a 53 yarder in the rain after the other team's kicker missed 3 from 40+. Yay! Besides, it's fun to listen to people talk about how good Brett is going to be. And, it's great to hear my people back home :-) Man I miss wisconsin sometimes! But it's getting better, overall. I think it's really sinking in that I'll only see home once a year, and I'll be here the rest of the time, so just settle in. At least I don't feel like crying when i go to culver's or dairy queen anymore. Definately an improvement. And now I get to see green bay every couple weeks!!!!! Yay :D

late night talks break blocks

2005-08-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

Last night was fun! Carrie and I went to bed around 1am. This is still really early, considering we'd stayed up till 4 or 5 the past few days. At first we were just lying there, listening to Melissa Etheridge Your Little Secret, which I haven't done in forever! It was great, remembering how I used to listen to that cd so intently in college, trying to understand what my life was supposed to be like. We mostly sat quietly in the dark. I was lying with my eyes closed for quite a while. My eyesight is so poor it doesn't do much good to open my eyes anyway. But when I did open them, my vision was odd. Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see, or maybe sense, motion. But I couldn't really see it. Also, twice I saw a shadow move over my head, again towards the edge of my vision. I thought it was carrie's arm, but she hadn't moved. We started to talk about it, she mentioned there was a lot of energy in the room. Quite a few bright light creatures and such. Perhaps they liked the music, because they were more active than usual apparently. I couldn't see them, perhaps because they're so small my eyes can't resolve them with my poor eyesight. I was also focusing on the constant sense of motion coming from carrie's body. My theory is that since I was lying in her aura, that's what I was sensing, the constant motion of the aura. It was quite interesting.

We've also had fun playing with energy. I've learned that i can still feel her, even when she isn't touching me. It's the old "I'm not touching you" routine, but even with my eyes closed I know she's doing it. It feels like someone just lightly touches the arm hairs, tickling me. I did the same to her last night, but a few inches away from her arm. It was funny, because you would swear someone physically touched you! It's quite interesting.

After all this, we just had a blast being silly and laughing. At one point we had been talking about writing, other thoughts on our minds, struggles, when I got the urge to write. I'd been so blocked lately, but really had things I wanted to get out. After a few false starts I was able to write pages of poetry/journaling stuff. It was funny, because as I wrote, carrie felt like writing too. So at 2:30 in the morning we turned the light on and both wrote a bunch. Very artistic :-)

Last night was really nice, allowed us to reconnect on an interactive friend level, which doesn't happen enough. We'll have to make an effort for more quiet time together. It was really nice. :-)

Football!!!!!

2005-08-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

Fall is when I really feel the distance from home. Yesterday (friday night/saturday morning) we didn't go to sleep until 5 am because I really wanted to see the story on the Packers. I know we could have just seen it later, but I thought it would be on earlier in the program rather than the last story! So I lost an hour of sleep, but it's ok. Then, we changed the channel and watched a little of the Colts game from japan. Sad, but it's exciting...football season!

There's a Packers game actually on Thursday....I get to watch a horrible preseason game! yay! But it's a chance to hear the names of the backups and stuff. Besides, bad Packer football is still packer football. It's been a part of my life since I was a baby. I'm not sure what fall and winter would be like without football.

thanks to tivo, we don't even have to worry about missing games. Just hope we don't have conflicts between watching colts and packers games. Oh well, that's why we have 2 tvs. hahaha

Amazing band - The Weekend

2005-08-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

The Weekend
I've fallen in love with this band! They have the closing song in DEBS (obsession...) and it's wicked cute. All their songs are catchy as hell, and great fun. Come the end of august we'll be buying at least one album, possibly more depending on money. So check them out. Music is on their myspace page here. You can also watch the music video for Into the Morning, the song on DEBS.

Ok, I think I'm done with DEBS, at least on my blog... :-)

I'm a gay boy magnet!

2005-08-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

Haha, today has been the day of the gay boys. First, I was sitting on the bus talking to carrie when I mentioned DEBS, because, as you can tell, I'm obsessed for now. He perked right up and said "I love that movie!" haha, it was so cute! Then I mentioned the Erasure song and he started singing it. :-) So after I hung up with carrie I started talking to him again. We chatted the whole way home, so about a half hour. He's a theater guy, auditioning for a play here. He's learning shakespeare on his own. apparently he's learned more about acting on his own than he ever did in college. His boyfriend's name is Bach, which is his real name. Oh yeah, and his name was Mark. I gave him my email because we had so much fun talking.

Then tonight, out of the blue came an im from my favorite person from my freshman year of college, David Obrien. He is the sweetest boy on the planet. I hadn't talked to him since I was moving to california for the Marines. haha, so quite a lot to catch up on! He's working as a massage therapist on cruise ships which is quite interesting. Lots of pretty places to see, it'd be pretty cool to do. Anyway, it was great to hear from him again, because he's such a great guy. Definately the most sane of all my old friends there lol!

The funniest thing of all is that I'd been thinking I needed more gay friends lately, and today I discover two! Hahaha, life is awesome sometimes!

Melissa Etheridge - Refugee cover

2005-08-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

Melissa Etheridge

There are some songs that are good from the get go, and some that are transformed by someone else's interpretation. And there are some that are both. Tom Petty's Refugee is one of those songs. It was always a great song, but Melissa Etheridge took it to new heights. I don't know what she does, but when she sings a song I feel it at a new level, believing it in my soul.

The song can be played from her website (linked above) and is well worth the listen. So take 4 minutes out of your day and give it a try. I know it just brightened my day at work :-)

a realization

2005-08-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

I have a hard time letting go after seeing a movie that involves new found love. I thought it was because those feelings are fun and exciting, and I missed that. But it appears that wasn't the case. Last night I realized it's the feeling of someone being totally into me that I miss. Not to say that my wife isn't, but it's different. The newness is one element, and then there's the realization that someone likes you and you didn't realize it. lol, this isn't a very formulated thought obviously, but I know the general idea is right because once I realized that I was able to release all of the feelings of yearning that I'd been experiencing.

What's funny is that for carrie it's the opposite side. She misses the getting to know someone new part, not the part where someone else is into her. It's kinda funny.

How do people keep that new feeling going? I mean after 6 years there's a little that's new, but not so much. We're very comfortable, which is good. But it's easy to become complacent, which isn't as fun. Hmm...

and I repeat...

2005-08-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

DEBS is a totally cute movie :-D Hot girls falling in love, it's just cute hahahaha

I know, I'm a complete dork, but it's ok.

dream with shifting locations/weather

2005-07-31T10:53:00.000-07:00

This morning was interesting, dream wise (but it always is if I allow myself to sleep into the 11am hour...what is that?!)

At first i think I was in a store, looking at old records and stuff, trying to find something Carrie would like (I was at a store yesterday doing that exact thing) The placed was very old, everything all wooden, as if it was an antique store, which I guess would make sense considering the old stuff there lol. But mostly I'm looking through records, of all kinds. There are these tiny tiny ones, an inch or 2 across, which I had no idea what they were for, but they were cute :-) As I kept digging it seemed like I was going through stuff that actually had belonged to her grandma, though maybe that was because it was old and stuff her grandma listened to. I don't know. I was grabbing some things to take home, don't remember what though. Then the scene changed, and I was still looking at this stuff, but it was in a bus. Clearly the bus was modified, because there were different levels, though it was a single level bus. Maybe that's just the confusion from the shift in the dream though. I realize I missed my stop, and run up to the driver and tell her so she can make an additional stop for me. We were on Riverside, the only part of the dream that actually matched my reality here. I scramble back to my seat because I'm not even wearing my shoes. I shove the records and books and stuff into a compartment above my seat (I have no idea why it's there) and say I'll get it when I ride this bus again, apparently not worrying much about it being stolen. Oh, and I stuffed as many of the things in my backpack too. She moves on though, before I can get off, though a few others did. Then she gets mad at me it seems, because she missed a stop earlier on the route, so we have to turn off and drop other people off. But I didn't make her miss anything! lol So she turns, and now we're not in anything remotely resembling austin. We turn off into a field like area within trees, where there is a small farm and another bus (or more) parked. The big bus is an old VW brand bus (but not like the microbusses). So I get off with another girl, who apparently lives at the farm. I drop my backpack for a minute. I see this goat like creature, and it starts running towards me. She says it doesn't attack unless you do something, which apparently I did, so it was running into me. I stopped looking at it, not even out of the corner of my eye, and it appeared to stop. I saw a little baby goat like thing. Then I saw a big dog that ran up to me, and again I didn't look, just kept walking, and then running. I turn left on the road, towards home (that is still accurate direction wise) but now it's a country road. But I realize, I'm running, where is my backpack? lol, so I return to the farm. As I get to the driveway, there are two african looking kids. I say hi, nothing major, just wierd that they were there. At first there was just one, and I thought 'exchange student' but then there was a second boy, so I figured they're whole family immigrated or something. Anyway...I meet up with the girl's dad in the driveway, I say I just need my backpack, and hurry to get it. Then I head out on the road again. But now, it's snowing! And it's not cold enough to be snowing! Just those light little flakes that aren't wet, just pretty. I know the temp hasn't dropped because I'm wearing shorts and a tshirt and not cold.

Then there's a big jump, because I'm now in a suv or something, still in my shorts, and it's snowing. I look at the temp, and it's 59 in the car, but 30 outside. How did the temp drop so fast? lol. And I'm apparently on my way to school, so I'm thinking I need some pants! Also, the location has shifted to back in wisconsin, apparently. I'm debating going to walmart and finding something that will work for now, or just going back home and finding my pants. It takes the same amount of time overall, so we end up back at 'home', though it really doesn't seem like my home in feel, but my laundry is there, along with carrie's, though she wasn't in the dream. So I find my favorite pants. In the search I find a pack of cigarettes with 4 still in the pack in carrie's shorts, they were intact but had still gone through the wash. I think that's residual because she lost a pack of cigarettes last night and we didn't find them yet. Anyway...so yeah, that's about all there is to the dream. It was wierd how I jumped locations so drastically, and then jumped temperatures/weather. Very interesting...but I tell you, I looooooooved the snow!!!!

discovering root issues

2005-07-30T16:28:00.000-07:00

It's funny how you can know things, and yet not know them, until one day they jump up and smack you upside the head so you pay attention.

I've been on this Jedi Realist path for 3 years now. In that time I've learned a lot, mostly about mindfulness and consciously choosing what I do. Granted that doesn't mean I do it all the time, but I know that I should. And even when I'm not consciouly choosing my life, I know my subconscious is doing it. I am not a victim, I am a creator.

So lately I've been more and more aware of my two interrelated issues. The first is impatience. I rush into decisions or actions and that's not a good thing. It still tends to work out alright, but the outcome could have improved had I waited. This impatience affects my other main issue which is emotions. I allow my emotions to color my actions, which is not useful. I'm not saying emotions are bad, but the goal is to acknowledge the emotions, and then let them go so you can see a situation from a place of centered calm. Then you're seeing clearly, rather than letting emotions create blind spots. Right now I acknowledge the emotions, but I get impatient and don't fully let them go, thus they are affecting my actions.

Normally, I don't look to the the star wars universe for much, because I can find what I need in nonfiction. However, I've been entertaining myself with the Jedi Apprentice series and find it really useful. What it's made me realize is just how slow the solo method can be. When you have a person in your life to mentor you, they can give you that reminder to release your emotions. They can see when you are acting from them and intercept. Thus you learn much faster than if you have to see them on your own. However, since I don't have that, it means I need to focus that much harder on my goals.

No one can be mindful for you...but it sure helps to have a reminder around.

D.E.B.S.

2005-07-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

I know this movie got bad reviews, but I thoroughly enjoyed DEBS! It's cheesy, and silly, but very cute. The main villian character looks a lot like a young Demi Moore, which is always nice. And yes, the movie is completely unrealistic, but the love story is cute! Besides, the girls are hot! haha, so yeah, we're going to buy this one because silly is always fun. And, there's the added plus of there being zero heterosexual scenes, not even kissing. That's always a plus in my book. I wonder what it would have been like if this had been a more independent movie instead of a bigger studio thing...haha, probably way hotter! :-)

interesting experience

2005-07-29T21:01:00.000-07:00

Today I was just finishing up a nice conversation with my friend Spenser. Out of nowhere (probably literally lol) I felt my third eye open. It's the only way I can describe it. It felt like a flooding in of air or water, some kind of fluid of sorts. It was quite distinct, and quickly became bigger. I felt as if I had a hollow tube in me, from my 3rd eye down to my dan tien. A true vacancy in my body! I felt the energy going straight down to my center. I brought this up to Spencer, who was actually experiencing something very similar! Neither of us did anything consciouly. To be honest I'm not sure if either of us did it even subconsciously, but I have no idea. So I'm talking to Spenser, and trying to pay attention to this feeling when I notice my throat chakra, and there's a lump in my throat. This was interesting because Spenser tried to get a read on some activity in my house a few weeks ago and he got a lump in his throat when he tried. Wierd coincidence perhaps... After I said goodbye to him (he was late for work) I walked around a bit. My whole body was buzzing. I got a few random energy surges, where I needed to shake my arms and such. Umm...it's like when you get the chills, or some other involuntary bodily tremor. Very interesting. Also, definately got the giggles during this. It was an amazing and new experience.

But, what was it? who did it? why? how can I make it happen again? Questions that I may or may not get answers to. However, it doesn't change the experience. It seems to me that my mood and motivation issues are definately energy related, because I felt a great mood improvement from this. Which means I need to keep doing my qigong and riding the bike at night. I can't afford this lack of motivation during the semester. Anyway...no negativity. Today was interesting :-)

By the way, we had a monsoon quality storm this afternoon. It was amazing! Tons of rain, and lightning directly above the building that make you shake from the thunder. Hehehe, it was awesome!

I heart huckabees

2005-07-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post before heading to work. Last night we watched I heart huckabees for the first time. It's quite amusing, even if you're not sure where it's leading half the time. Unfortunately it is one of those movies that you can't describe for people. However, it's very much worth watching lol I'll have to watch it again, but I think the most interesting part for me was towards the end when the main character sees that the two versions of existentialists are both wrong and right. one is too far to the happy side, the other is too far to the pain side. Put them together though, and you have a pretty darn good system! Lol, sounds like so many parts of our society today, separate they are wrong, but together they're pretty close.

Tonight we have What the bleep do we know to watch, and Lemony Snicket at some point this weekend. Oh, and we're finally working on Legend of Zelda 4 swords together. We've played it a few times, but never all the way through. Since I still have a month before school starts, now is the time. Lol, it's quite fun with two people because you end up hitting each other accidentally and stuff. Plus it's something we can do together, which is nice since otherwise I sit on the computer and she watches tv or plays games, and we say a few words every once and a while. This is my fault primarily, by the way. Someday I'll learn. But in the meantime, video games are fun! :-)

my theory on sids

2005-07-24T19:07:00.000-07:00

Carrie and I were discussing how bizarre it is that some kids around 4-6 months just stop breathing for no medical reason. Some of them come back and have no other problems, and some never come back. That got me wondering why that is. A theory came to me, though I'll admit it's just something I thought up that happens to make sense to me.

Souls enter our bodies, who knows when, but at some point, souls enter the body, to experience something besides divine unity. While souls do this willingly, it isn't an easy transition to go from complete freedom in creation to limits. Souls often leave the body for periods of time, during our sleep, which is why babies sleep so much. But what if a soul forgets why it came into a body to begin with and decides to really check out, completely separating from the body? The baby in essence dies, and for no medical reason. One reunited with the divine, the soul understands where it was, and what it chose. At this point it has a choice. Does it remain where it is, leaving the body dead, or does it return, to live a full life in body?

There is also the added element of the souls involved, particularly the parents. There are times when souls only come to this earth for a short time so the parents can experience something. I'm not going into this, because it's beyond my understanding, but I just felt it needed to be added into the theory.

Now I may be completely wrong. If so, that's fine. In any case it's an interesting theory to me, and it makes sense according to my belief structure. Also, the idea came out of thin air, which is usually a good sign. It will be interesting to see if I ever know the actual answer to this.

DIRELAND: IRAN EXECUTES 2 GAY TEENAGERS (updated)

2005-07-23T13:03:00.000-07:00

DIRELAND: IRAN EXECUTES 2 GAY TEENAGERS (updated)

This stuff deeply saddens me, and angers me. That this happens, and then the countries lie about it trying to add charges to defend their actions...clearly they know they were in the wrong as far as international law is concerned. In any case, I'm feeling better now, because I wrote to our Secretary of State. Here's what I wrote to her. It really helped me through this.

Honored Secretary of State Rice,

I just read the articles regarding Iran's execution of two homosexual youths. These children did not konw what they did was wrong. They were executed anyway, against international law. While the US does not have a good track record with homosexual rights, at the very least people are not executed by the government for following their hearts. We can't allow gross injustice to persist in the world, especially in those countries trying to be a greater presence in the world. Freedom should belong to every human being, not just those that agree with the group that has power within a country. Please do what you are able with this situation. Whether you agree or disagree with homosexuality does not change the injustice of these boys' sentence. Of this I'm sure you're aware. I'm sending strength to you, that you will be able to handle this situation in a way that is appropriate for international politics without missing the point.

The best of luck in all of your endeavors,
Jackie L Meyer
Austin, Texas

My best friend - Ash Riot

2005-07-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

Ash Riot
I just wanted to bring everyone's attention to my best friend in the whole world (beside my wife obviously) who finally has her professionally designed website up. Her first full length album is about to be released up there in Canadia, and I can't be more proud of her. She exudes talent, and she's one of the most amazing people I've ever met. :-) So take a peak if you have the chance. And I won't be offended if her music isn't your cup of tea, I love her just the same. But if you do enjoy her music, be sure to let her know. :-)

brother

2005-07-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

I don't remember if I talked about my brother's sentence or not. Doesn't really matter though lol

So yesterday was his second huber/child care release day. I didn't talk to him on the phone, but we chatted a little online. He's actually reading Coversations with God book 1. I'm going to do my best to not bug him about it. But I really hope he gets just a little out of it, ease his frustration and pain. And hopefully this will be the start of a journey towards understanding about life, maybe he won't have to search so hard for what he's looking for. I guess it's a wait and see situation. Hopefully he's doing alright sitting in jail till wednesday. At least he gets out 3 times a week, I think it'd be much harder doing it all at the same time. He's definately lucky, far luckier than he realizes.

students and religion

2005-07-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I got a message from my main student, who has started a 30 day bible study through her church. As part of it, she is on a 21 day media fast, whic means no tv, no internet, and no music, except for christian or instrumental. This is all I know. However, the music issue raises a big red flag. I think it's hypocritical to tell someone not to listen to anything else, but they can listen to christian music. What is the point of this then? To make sure the only thing going in is what you want them to believe? Really makes me wonder. Also, she said they have a book to read, which also worries me. Of course this is her choice, but I can't help but distrust a book that is these kids only real input for a month. People are getting so good and figuring out just the right things to say to people so they'll keep swallowing the lies, and do it happily. I also dislike that I had zero warning of this. For one, we had just, literally just, started a walking meditation program, so she can meditate without some of the issues that come with sitting meditation (her seeing visions and such), because she was just not meditating before. Also, she was taking the spirituality course already, and now she's not going to finish the course for a while. This may be a good thing, who knows. I know I need to trust her, and hope that her connection to the universe will allow her to question on some level the things she's being told now. And who knows, maybe it's not as bad as I'm imagining...but it's hard to not worry. Hopefully without the tv and internet she'll spend more time meditating, and continue with what we've been working on. I hate to say, but part of me hopes things get too tough and she goes online anyway. The problem is she doesn't have anyone offline to talk to about a lot of the issues she's dealing with. What if she gets angry and loses control of her abilities? But all of this is just fear. And this is her life, her path...hopefully she'll stay on the path that's best for her to learn who she really is.

You know, this crap wouldn't happen if religions didn't think they had all the answers and the only way to heaven...

Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior

2005-07-14T10:05:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I want to say...and it's not in any order yet. This will be a train of thought post, with the train probably derailing a few times along the way...

Two big ideas were presented in this book. First, the idea of the three selves, which is our basic self, the conscious self, and the higher self. It's an idea you can find in many places, but since I'm not into psychology or philosophy that much, I'll stick with this terminology. The basic self takes care of us, heals us, lets us know what's going on. It's our inner child also, easily frightened. But it's our roots to the earth, an important function. The conscious self is obviously our consciousness. It takes in the data of life around us and interprets it. It calms our inner child when it's scared by things it doesn't understand. The higher self deals with...well, higher things. It's our spiritual place, transcending the illusions of the world to see the bigger picture. It is our bridge to the higher realms. Seemingly less important, but that's only because I'm not really there very often :-)

I think many of my problems exist because I'm stuck mostly in the conscious self. Which leaves me without roots, leaving me to float about wherever the wind blows. Sometimes I think they're there, but perhaps they're small and weak, so I can move more than I should. I'm not really sure. I know my conscious self takes control too much, bringing in doubts occasionally, questions more often. And questions destroy the process. Thinking destroys the process. You just do.

This all makes more sense to me in the archetype of the human being 7 floors.
First Floor: Personal Survival
Emotions: Fear, paralysis
Issue: Taking care of self

Second Floor: Sexuality/Creativity
Emotions: Sorry, weakness
Issues: Reaching out, embracing life, energy and relationship

Third Floor: Personal Power
Emotions: Anger, tension
Issues: Discipline, commitment, will

The Great Leap

Fourth Floor: Transpersonal Love
Pur compassion, open heart, ego no longer center
Emotions: Love, hapiness
Issue: How best to serve

Fifth Floor: Mystical Revelation
Pure Inspiration, eyes turned towards spirit

Sixth Floor: Unity
Pure Light, communion with spirit

Seventh Floor: Pure Being and Bliss
Pure Spirit, no self remains

- Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior, Dan Millman, page 95

Much of Dan's journey involves these floors, and I actually understand this explanation. At one point, Dan tries to go to the fourth floor, in a vision, but when he got to the door he was kicked out, his psyche wasn't ready to go there yet. I think that's where I am, and why I'm not progressing as I expect. I've only superficially worked through the ground levels, so that leap is incomplete. The deap seated fears of the first floor left relatively untouched, though there has been improvement over the past 3 years. The guilt and shame that still taints sexuality, and feelings of weakness leave part of me trapped on the second floor. That also has shown improvement, large improvement in some areas over the past 6 years. The third floor tends to kill me. My will is weak, leaving many things done half assed or not done at all. I'm left spinning my wheels, if I ever got to pushing the gas pedal to begin with. I don't believe I ever had true discipline. I did things because I didn't want to disappoint others, and I wanted my reputation. I've done so little for myself, truly for myself, and even those I do I still have trouble maintaining. My focus is lacking, thus I can't even remember what my will should be doing! I'm too easily distracted by superficial things, like a video game. It's simple and fun, and easy draw for me right now.

These three floors are enough to keep me fully out of the fourth floor. I visit, but can't stay all of the time. I do feel a pull to help people, to ease their pain and suffering (self caused mostly). But I also slip easily into feelings of judgement, impatience, and frustration at their lack of change. So while I start there, I tend to fall out too often. The upper floors are even more tenuous, blocked mostly by fear. I really think this is my psyche saying we're not ready yet, you have too much work to do below before you spend any real time up above. I've spent so much time focusing on the higher things, spirituality, but without really working on the lower floors, which is probably why I haven't gotten very far experientially, just gained a bunch of information.

Where do I begin? And how do I proceed?

so much...and so little

2005-07-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

It's wierd to have chaos relatively close to you, but to not be in it. My brother reported to jail today, the start of a 4 month sentence that will really be 3. Assuming my mom can get a copy of Brilee's birth certificate he'll be out tomorrow to take care of him. So he actually will get wednesday, friday, and sunday off during the day because those are his child visitation days, which is good. He had huber, but his job fired him, which sucks. It was a crappy job at Dollar General, but jeez. They knew this was going on, he's a good employee, but whatever. It's just going to be difficult to find a job after...However I do believe this will all work out, if he takes advantage of the situation to improve himself and begin to learn from his mistakes. I just don't know how to help him at this point in time. I'll figure it out though.

I'm hoping with this part behind her, my mom can relax a little bit. She just takes everything on...she needs to learn to let go. Stressing yourself to death is not fun, but it's a tough pattern to get out of. In time I'll find the way to help her too. Because if I can't help my family, what good is all this training? To help the whole world, but not my family is a failure of a sort, because it means I wasn't able to figure this out. I know it isn't all up to me, but I think for most people it's easier to help strangers than those closest to us. Which is why it's a failure of sorts if I can't get past that, because it means I couldn't get over myself.

So there's a lot going on...and nothing at all. My life is pretty mundane, but not in a bad way. It just is. Even this doesn't phase me much, though it's hard to not get frustrated at the whole situation. I know I'm not really dealing with it...but I'm not really sure how. I can let go of the feelings for a time, but they always come back. Does that mean I'm not really letting go, or that I'm just going to have to keep letting it go until the situation doesn't come up anymore? This is where the lack of a mentor is felt, because I don't know. I have an idea...but I'm goingto write a separte post because it's going to be long I'm guessing :-)

catch up

2005-07-08T08:57:00.000-07:00

So I've been in a bit of a funk lately, lacking motivation to do things until they are unavoidable. Thus nothing has gotten accomplished besides video games, and a little work, with the occasional chore like some dishes or laundry. I don't understand what triggers this, or even how to stop it. Apparently my will slowly gains power until I dig myself out. In any case, that's why I haven't posted in a while. Time to catch up.

Most exciting thing to happen: RAIN!!!!!!! It finally rained last night, first time in 34 days or so. And boy did it rain! I got off the bus, and was instantly drenched. It was raining so hard I couldn't blink fast enough to see, my eyeballs were still getting pelted. It was insane! I just walked through the door and stripped. But it was exhilerating and so much fun! And, we have a running stream, with water that didn't come out of the sprinklers. hehehe It's awesome. I just hope we don't have to go another month before more rain. However, I noticed our pool is a few inches deeper than it was before, so that's also amusing...lots of rain!

Fun Basketball things: We went to the San Antonio Silver Stars vs Pheonix Mercury game on tuesday. We had fun. The game was slow at times, especially in the first half. D got screwed by three bad calls in a row and had to sit for around 8 minutes, which sucked. We saw Ivanyi hit a brick wall in Vodichkova! It was the funniest thing I'd seen in a while...though I bet it hurt. But I've never seen someone run into someone, and be stopped dead, plus lifted off their feet, and the other person not even flinch! No foul either, which was the appropriate call. We laughed for minutes. Don't get me wrong though, I haven't been so impressed with a guard I wasn't familiar with in a while...Ivanyi is fast as hell, and damn fun to watch! She's great. I'm going to buy tickets for the next home game, which is also against Pheonix. The plan is to bring my UCONN championship ball and have D sign it after the game. We'll also bring one of the good pictures we have from 3 years ago at the sweet 16/elite 8 in Milwaukee. Apparently they'll sign out at the busses after the game, according to staff at the arena. Yay!

Unknown things: Wierd things are happening around the house with carrie. Not going to say any more since it's long, complicated, and her private matter. I just wanted a record of this and hopefully I'll remember what I mean. Haha

Busy weekend: Tonight is going to be the first band practice ever for the newly forming riot grrl band. Last week Jinx had to run to San Antonio to pick up her kids from her ex even though she doesn't normally pick them up till saturday. So tonight is the first time meeting this guitarist, and actually playing. Here's to not sucking too bad!
Then saturday we're smoking 4 pork shoulders, two for us and two for friends. It won't be that much work until it's time to pull the fat off...I might actually have to help this time. Sunday, crap, if I call them and ask at least, Ian and Tir are coming over. Tir ships out to Iraq in about 2 weeks, and it would suck to not see her before then. And then sunday night we will probably go see a movie. Mr. and Mrs. Smith perhaps? It's always nice to get an angelina jolie fix. And it looks awesome.

I think that's it for now. I'll try to update more. But the fire alarm is going off, so I should leave. hahaha

video games are evil!

2005-07-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

So I bought Knights of the Old Republic friday night. In the two days since I've logged around 12 hours of gameplay...which means I haven't done any of the other things I should do, like meditating, lifting, riding the bike... So I declare fun video games to be evil! we must ban them, to save humans from themselves, before civilization crumbles around us! Act now to save humanity!

Hehe, so yes, I really enjoy kotor...too much. However, if I wasn't playing this game I'd have the same problem of not doing anything. I think I'm heading into a summer funk, where I lack the motivation to do the things I need to do...you know, like work... This happened 2 years ago when I spent the summer in texas, but I thought it was because I was away from home and just off. I'm starting to wonder now. I go through this every so often, where I just don't have the motivation to do things. This is a sign of depression, but I'm not sure because I don't feel sad...just not as up as usual, and definately less energy. I think I need to see an herbalist or something. Too bad I don't have a friend that does reiki or medical qigong, because that would be very helpful. Even if this is technically depression, I feel it as an energy related illness of sorts. If my energy was flowing properly, I wouldn't be down. Quite simple in my mind. Now I just need to fix it...

critters

2005-06-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

Last night was critter night at the Hills of Chevy Chase. Carrie and I were going to go swimming (which was all cloudy so we didn't swim :-( but I digress) On the way I saw a racoon, and another small furry critter, which climbed a tree as we approached. So we walked around the building rather than disturb the racoons because I simply don't believe in disturbing animals unnecessarily. As we get on the bridge over the stream I see a big opossom to the right! It was funny to see all these critters within a minute. On the way back to the apartment we saw the racoons again coming up from the stream. The baby was so cute! Just a ball of fur. But I worried, because usually racoons have more than just one baby. So I decided to give them a helping hand and made them jelly bread and put it down on the rocks before the culvert under the parking lot. Carrie suggested the jelly so they'd find it quicker. It seems to have worked since it was completely gone 3 hours later when we ran to the gas station. Yes, I know it's not good to feed wild animals, but I figure if I can feed them something I know that won't hurt them, that reduces the amount of stuff they have to forage that may not be safe. And with scavengers you aren't making them dependent on you, because they're following their normal behavior. And I don't do this often, just when I see them occasionally. But I feel better for helping. I don't honestly know how they survive in a city anyway.

TheDenverChannel.com - News - Denver Allowed To Enforce Pit Bull Ban

2005-06-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

TheDenverChannel.com - News - Denver Allowed To Enforce Pit Bull Ban

You're kidding right? Banning a single species of dog is consitutional? Insane. The worst part is the reason it's upheld is that the State Attorney's General didn't provide new evidence that pitbulls are just like any other dog. Is there really a lack of studies that document that pit bulls are not inherenlty more violent than other breeds? That's pathetic. I've met many pit bulls, who were the sweetest dogs you could meet. They were treated well by their owners, and so there were no problems. The problems come in when people train them to be mean and fight. That's not the dog's fault. Stick any dog in a cage, mistreat it, and it will come out mean. That's not an inherent pit bull trait.

Why do we continue to write laws based on prejudice and lies? And when will we learn that zero tolerance is the stupidest thing you could ever include in law enforcement? This is not going to stop dog maulings...just pit bull maulings. What will happen the next time someone is attacked by a dog? Will they outlaw mutts? All dogs? Come on!!!!!! This is insane!

I feel so deeply for the owners and good dogs out there. They're all losing their families, over ignorance and prejudice. It's sad. It's too bad all these people can't just move out of Denver, see how the city likes that!

Summer Solstice experiences

2005-06-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I had every intention of a good meditation session...but time got away from me. However, Miss Congeniality 2 was quite amusing, especially towards the end when Gracie and Sam are becoming true partners. The scene with them all FBI'd up in their dark suits was hot! haha, but I digress...

We finished the movie at midnight. I gathered up all of the crystals I could find, two pieces of leather, and my moss agate necklace and sat outside. I placed the stones and crystals on the leather. I focused for a minute with my breathing, and then gave thanks to the earth, moon, and universe. I spoke my wishes for the human race, that we all find peace and unity, and truth. That this truly is ushering in the transition of humanity, rather than the destruction due to our inability to grow. Then I asked that my stones and crystals be renewed by the energy of the full moon and summer solstice. I bowed to the earth and went to bed. This morning I picked them all back up, putting some in my little leather pouch, which I then put in my backpack. I put my agate back on, and put the rest of the crystals and stones back in my little rock garden that lives on my desk. I left them on the leather though, since they were cut circular and only a bit smaller than the candle stands the cyrstals live on. I think it looks nicer, and the crystals are on something soft and organic now, rather than metal stands. It just feels better.

Then this morning I just sat on the ground while waiting for the bus. I didn't think about anything, just enjoyed the life around me. I've been doing this lately because the ground makes me feel better. I'm not consciously exchanging energy, but it clearly happens naturally. Today I noticed it in my legs first, and then up my back, the earth's energy moving through me. It vibrated at a lower frequency than I do, and tickled. :-) It was quite pleasant, until I noticed the ants trying to eat me. Lol, so I shook off the ants and walked away. I wish I knew how to enjoy the earth without being eaten by ants. I don't want to kill them, just coexist. But I don't consider them biting me peaceful coexistance

On the bus I also meditated, this time without counting, just breathing and focusing. I try to do that from time to time because I don't want the counting to be a crutch. The past few days in meditation I've noticed something I haven't noticed in years. At first all I see is a blank screen in front of me. There are some changes due to lights and such, but in general a blank screen. But then after about 10 minutes or so something happens. I'll do my best to describe it. Visualize if you could a kaliedoscope, but instead of all different patterns, imagine it having concentric circles. As you turn the Kaliedoscope, the circles move towards the center, getting smaller. The way I see it is like a circular diffraction pattern. (kind of like this) But they are always moving inward. This used to happen to me as a child, very young, around 5. I'm really curious as to what this phenomena is, though I have some theories. I'm not going to say them until I can do some longer meditations though, since I simply don't have enough information.

Wow, that's enough for now I guess. Time to get to work!
If anyone has any insight for me, feel free to share :-)